The Cougar: If You’re Watching This, The Terrorists Have Won

Okay…so I’m a jackass. I thought that this was the last episode because they went to Vegas and there were only three guys left. It didn’t happen that way and now I am a little concerned for my mental well-being and the fate of this country. This week, Stacey takes the remaining three guys to Vegas because that’s where all good decisions are made. The show doesn’t waste anytime. We immediately go to a racetrack in Parhump, NV where Stacey will have her first Vegas date. The producers couldn’t have found a more apropos location for this activity.

Jimmy jumps out of the limo and Stacey jumps on him like he’s a 23 year old bodybuilder and she’s a 40 year old woman desperately trying to recapture the years she lost to her two age-appropriate, yet stifling, husbands and four kids. I realize now that Jimmy reminds me of Puddy from Seinfeld who always had that serious, furrowed eyebrow look but is actually a ditz. Stacey and Jimmy race cars and it looks like tons of fun. Then Stacey tries to get all philosophical. She says that racing cars is like her relationship with Jimmy. They’re moving fast, it’s lots of fun and it could end up in a crash.

Stacey beats Jimmy in the car race and either the producers set it up that way, Jimmy let her win or there are two pussies on this show. Jimmy is 23 and a personal trainer. He lost to Pillsbury Jon in the wine barrel-rolling contest and now he lost to Stacey too. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having a wimp like that train ME at the gym. Later, Jimmy and Stacey head to the high rollers club at a casino and Jimmy is hooting and hollering like an addict getting his fix. He tells Stacey to double down on her hand and- he’s right. She got 21 and won some much needed cash! According to Stacey’s ex-husband who gave an interview on the Insider, Stacey is not a millionaire, was living in a one bedroom apartment before the show started and doesn’t have custody of those four lovely kids. Their marriage also ended due to alcohol and substance abuse issues that Stacey supposedly has. She always has a drink around but most reality show stars do, right?

Right…Anydrunk, Jimmy and Stacey leave the casino to have a romantic dinner and guess who shows up?

As the conversation evolves, and I use that word very lightly, we discover that Jimmy’s last girlfriend didn’t just move away. She moved away to do a movie. He can’t say for sure if they would have broken up if she would have stayed at home and Stacey knows that this could be trouble. She asks how he knows that he likes her and he says that it’s because she gives him butterflies. I suppose nausea could be a relationship litmus test. Stacey takes Jimmy up to her suite and he starts pouring his heart out to her. She cuts him off and says that he needs to let his guard down and so does she. FYI, what Stacey really means is-

And yes, Stacey is chugging down yet another drink. Just because she’s double the drinking age doesn’t mean she needs to start and finish off every bottle. Jimmy caps off the evening by throwing Stacey onto a pool table and doing all sorts of nasty things.

The next day, Stacey has a date with “I’m not Gay” Travis. He shows up in a vest, button down shirt and jeans. Stacey promptly informs Travis that he is overdressed.

Do guys still wear vests now? Stacey likes Travis kisses and his pubescent look but she does not like his mom. The two of them get massages and Travis gets in on the action by smearing her with some green tea ooze. Then the two of them take a steam shower and I had to google it to find out what that is. Apparently it’s a shower but with steam. I was hoping it wasn’t that because that just sounds like you’d get really sticky. Afterwards, you get to rinse off though so I guess it’s worth it. Afterwards, the two lovebirds talk, Stacey drinks WINE and Travis says that after the show is done, he doesn’t want Stacey to think that they have to jump into a relationship right away. Okaaay…he just bought his one way ticket home. Stacey thinks its his mother’s influence but I think there’s more to it.

Travis later realized how stupid he was for saying that stuff to Stacey so he brought a present to dinner that night.

I, for the record, am not surprised that he gave her that. Out of all the flowers in the world, he picked that one? And only one at that. He could’ve at least gotten a bunch of penis flowers. Stacey seems to love it though.

Stacey and Travis proceed to have another lame ass conversation and he explains that he’s never dated a girl and certainly never taken one home to meet his mom. Yet another shocker! Stacey says that he’s brave and not at all the wild college boy that she expected. She invites Travis up to her room.

If he had pearls, he’d be clutching them but he knows he has to go upstairs. It’s kind of funny too because they clink their glasses together and Travis tries to take a sip but you can totally tell that a P.A. told him to get his dumb ass upstairs and drop the glass; they just needed that money shot.

Once they get to Stacey’s suite, Travis runs across her table, runs into the bedroom and does a somersault onto her bed. It would be cute if they were both 21 and gay but it just causes Stacey to bury her face in her hands and realize how wrong she is for doing this show or at least for doing Travis.

For once, Stacey seems to understand how awful this all is but she has a contract to fulfill. She makes her way into the room for some really bland making out and shameful crying, by Travis of course, afterwards.

Stacey’s next date is with Colt and I’m wondering if her cooter can take much more of all this “dating.” They go on a helicopter ride to a picnic lunch on a ledge of the Bowl of Fire. The Bowl of Fire, if you’re unfamiliar, is a group of canyons and rock formations to put it simply. It’s a pretty site but a date on a ledge is not high on my list of fun dates unless shitty pants are on the menu. Stacey and Travis talk a little bit, then start kissing and the camera zooms far away so I’m assuming they had sex on the ledge and Stacey will shortly undergo tests on her own bowl of fire. That evening, the two have dinner and Stacey completely comes out of character and wears…

I think she may have worn this dress in an earlier episode and if not, she might as well have. Assuming that there is a second season, my plea to the reality gods is that they find someone at least a little interesting to be the next cougar. Stacey still has concerns as to whether Colt is ready for a serious relationship. I’ve got to admit, Colt seems as sincere as a 25 year old, unemployed, musician could be under the circumstances. I still think that he’s goofy as hell and he kinda talks to Stacey like she’s on a game show. Seriously, you’ve gotta hear him tell her “yooooo are so pretty, yoooo are beyond driven.” Then Stacey says that she has a question for him.

Stacey asks him to go back up to her suite and he agrees. She made this seem really groundbreaking but didn’t every guy get to go back to her room? By the way, I wish they would make the guys take the walk of shame back to the rest of the guys the next morning like every other show does, but I guess the cougar is classier than that. And that’s the probem! I demand, less class and more ass! And less phallic symbolism.

Stacey and Colt go up to her suite and I guess this is the ultimate date because there are rose petals on the bed and in the bathtub. Colt syas that he “thinks” he’s falling for her. That vague proclamation of slight interest is enough for drunken Stacey who can’t bother to let go of her champagne while she’s kissing Colt.

Stacey and Colt get into the bathtub and you just know that they had to wait for the set design people to refill the tub, add extra bubbles and heat up the water. You ever run a bubble bath and get stuck on a phone call for like 15 minutes and when you come back the water is cold and the bubbles are gone? I know I’m not the only one! Stacey announces that she’s falling for Colt just like he fell for her. Slight correction: he said he “thinks” he’s falling for her. This means that he “knows” he wants to do her but “thinks” he’s not ready for all those damn kids. Colt knows what side his bread is about to be buttered on so he doesn’t correct her and immediately shoves his tongue down her throat. But not before making this strange announcement.

And I’m guessing the bathtub water suddenly got much warmer. Stacey and the guys fly back to California and they get ready for that night’s elimination. Vivica, my vote for the next cougar if they’d stop giving her screwed up hairstyles, seems a little annoyed by Stacey’s trip.

Vivica then gets back to the script and asks Stacey about her dates with each guy. Stacey’s sentiments on Cole:

Her sentiments on Travis:

He sentiments on Jimmy:

Stacey has had enough of all this chit chat. Not because she’s made a decision but because the elimination ceremony includes champagne. The first douche up is Colt who gets a kiss on the lips. The next is Jimmy who also gets a kiss on the lips. Travis is going home and Stacey gets more emotional than necessary. Travis has a look of complete relief on his face. Stacey explains that he’s great, laid back and he has a lifetime of experiences ahead of him. Then she says that she’ll doubt and regret this decision. WTF? Someone get this old broad some liquor. She’s even more of an idiot when she’s sober. I guess liquor wasn’t available so Stacey took Travis outside and used the next best thing.

Travis thanks her for the opportunity to try girls out and helping him decide that he’s not into it at all. They kiss two last times, Travis gets into his limo and I’m hoping that Stacey clings onto the back of the car like T-1000 in Terminator 2. That would actually make the show interesting so Stacey doesn’t do that. Instead, she goes back inside to have champagne with the Colt, Travis and pissed off Vivica.

Next week, we get to meet the kids. I refrained from commenting on her children before because I thought maybe the camera was just at a bad angle. It appears that next week will dispel that theory but I’ll save my comments for then. It’s not their fault they’re on this show. Is anyone still watching this crap? If so, let me know that I am not alone. And if it is only me, excuse me while I order my Vivica blow up doll.

Enjoy all that Vivica has to offer without the sassy back talk!

See ya later this week!