The Cougar: Get Em While They’re Young

The Cougar exists solely because it can. Seriously. In the opening sequence the announcer says that if men can date outside of the boundaries of reality, so can women. This episode we’ll meet our cougar, our host, 20 single pubescent boys and one kick ass ukulele.

The announcer proclaims that cougars are the hot new thing, sweeping the nation and taking over the scene…in 2006. I mean this cougar thing is kinda played but whatevs. Vivica A. Fox is our hostess with the apropos-tess. Remember the Vivica/50 Cent fiasco.

Something tells me that Vivica will gladly take a few of the scraps back to her lair. Vivica “You Go Girl” Fox introduces the show by telling us that it’s okay with society when an older man dates a younger woman. Tell that to all the uncles serving 6-10 in the county jail sweetie. Ms. Fox says that a woman in her prime is the “ultimate catch”. Ok, I thought this chick was a cougar now she’s some kind of trout. Is she the hunter or the prey? I’m confused.

Anyway, we finally meet our cougar Stacy Anderson! Doesn’t that name sound really fake? We see a sequence of Stacy walking on a ledge, lacing up her sneakers and – holy crap – hugging her four children.

Four kids?! And they didn’t even focus on that part. They sandwiched them in between shoe tying and Stacey closing a $48 million dollar deal at her company. I’m no cougar chaser but something tells me none of these 20 guys wants a step-daughter that lives in the same college dorm. Stacey then reveals that her parents died young, she got married at 16 (WTF?!), and is looking for love. This chick’s got more baggage than a Macys One Day Sale. Since Stacey got married and had her litter at an age when most people went to college and had a blast, she’s abandoning her kids to meet a bunch of hot guys. She likes it, I love it!

Stacey arrives in a limo and is wearing a black dress fit for a forty year old woman. It was so unbelievably pedestrian. Aren’t cougars supposed to dress like Peg Bundy and Linda Hogan? I feel cheated. Stacey’s not in it to win it. I already get the feeling that she should just date her age and not her hair color.

Stacey wants passion and spontaneity and a man with a high sex drive. We’ve finally gotten to the point. This is about sex, sex and more sex! Vivica takes Stacey into the “Cougar-villa” while the guys hop out of the party bus. Each guy gets weirder by the moment.

The guys all whistle and cattle call, as per their script, when Stacey comes out of the house. David, the tree deliverer, says she looks like she’s in her 20s. Here’s a thought – if you want a 20 year old, get one. Why are you on a show trying to snag an old broad who’s trying to look young? Vivica presents the first challenge. All of the guys have to introduce themselves to Stacey with a pickup line of some sort and the 5 guys who impress her the least will be sent home.

The first one up is Pretty Boy Travis. He says that he just turned 21 and wants to share one of his first drinks with Stacey. Don’t worry; Vivica is there to provde commentary along the way.

Tom is 26, seems sweet and is blown away by Stacey. He’s also inexperienced with cougars. We’ll call him a cougin (coo-gin)

Kai is next and he says “Aloha” and some words I can’t spell. Stacey proves that age doesn’t directly correlate with intelligence because she immediately asks what language that is. Aloha? Really Stacey? Even though every 80s sitcom had an episode where the entire family went to Hawaii and one of the family members was always kidnapped by the locals only to find out that Hawaiians are lovely people and they just wanted to invite Michelle Tanner and George Jefferson to a luau and not eat them?

Next is High Hair Adam who reveals that he has a twin named Grant who is also on the show. I wish Stacey would rename them like Flavor did with Thing 1 and Thing 2 on Flavor of Love. She could call them amphibian and fungus mailnly because Adam keeps calling her a fox! The name of this show is not “The Fox” dude. Get your mammals straight.

We meet Jim who asks how Stacey’s doing and then we go straight to Austin. I guess Jim’s going home. Four guesses to go. Austin says he’s waited so long to meet Stacey and hasn’t been able to sleep. A whole 2 weeks since the audition. How could he stand it?! The next guy, Silent Rich, says he’s nervous and walks away. Ok, two down and three to go. Jim is a personal trainer and he gets down on one knee to say that there are 20 guys there and only one will win her heart. He then leans in and whispers “Me.” I hate when people ask and answer their own questions. Ryan is 29, a marine and a little too old to be on this show. He promptly tells Stacey that she looks way too old to be a cougar. Damn Ryan! What’s older than a cougar? A pterodactyl? Methuselah? Joan Rivers? But then he realizes his blunder and says she looks too young to be on TV Land – I mean a cougar.

Next is Officer Nick. He tells Stacey that she’s under arrest (how original) for stealing his heart (barf) and she has the right to remain delicious (huh?) Then he licks her.

David presents Stacey with that big ass tree he disguised as flowers, Dan says he has everything in the world except a woman and Pool Boy Bodie tells Stacey he’ll be her pool boy. Well of course you will because that’s what you are, a pool boy. What else could you possibly offer the 48 million dollar woman who can tie her shoes without looking? But hold up; he says he’ll be her pool man by the end of this. I guess it’ll be unique to lose his virginity on TV.

The next dude is a martial arts instructor named Johnny. He awkwardly spins Stacey around and holds her in the downward dog position while he introduces himself. Kevin is UNEMPLOYED and has ONLY had two loves of his life. Isn’t the love of your life supposed to only happen like once in a lifetime or maybe twice if the first one dies. Also, he’s 23 and unemployed. Stacey doen’t need a fifth kid to put through college. Third one down, two to go. Brad the Bear is next. He says that they’ll get along great because that’s what cougars and bears do. And then he does the “booty shake.”

That’s a little gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe he should go on The Bachelor instead. I’m just saying. Anyway, Joe puts on a hunter hat, looks around for about 15 seconds and then asks Stacey if she’s the cougar he’s looking for. She says yes. He says he looks forward to getting to know her and walks away. He took a potentially corny pickup line and made it downright dumb.

JD is next. He gets uncomfortably close to Stacey and recites some creepy poem. Stacey further cements her place in the Bimbo Hall of Fame and asks if that was Shakespeare. Yes because who can forget such classic lines as “How will you taste me if I’m not what’s on your plate? How could we conceive if our feelings could ever wait?” Unless you hear a thou shalt, thine, or henceforth, it ain’t Shakespeare honey. He’s kinda got a serial killer look going on too.

Colt, the ukelele/guitar owner, sings a song about how Stacey likes little boys over 17. The introductions are finally over and I’m hoping she’ll eliminate 19 of them and just pick the pool boy so she can find her man and he can become one.

Stacey chooses Travis “I like girls, I swear” to be safe from elimination and they go off on their one on one time. He’s just way too pretty in my opinion. The rest of the guys pile into the house and they are really excited to see the pool table, the fireplace and this.

Travis tells Stacey that he likes to surf, skateboard and do anything that has to do with boards. Waterboarding? Travis says that his parents forced him to take music lessons when he was younger-like the past five years. He really said that. There’s no way that she can be comfortable. I’m in my 20s and I feel like he’s too young for ME. Anyone who wasn’t alive when Halley’s Comet was last spotted, can’t ride this ride. Then the guys start guessing how old she is. One says 44, another says 39. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this. They’re too young to know that discussing a woman’s age and potentially adding on a few (44!) is never a good idea. Stacey is having one on one time with the twins and explains that her lifestyle and passion is more in line with younger guys. Wait until they find out about the kids…tee hee hee.

Ryan, the marine who called Stacey old, has one on one time with Stacey and tells her that he’s there to make his mother proud. She calls him on that and he takes it back and says he’s there for himself. Then he says he wants to slow down and she asks if he’s with a lot of women. He takes that back and says no but he’s seasoned.

Stacey heads out to the pool and Johnny, of downward dog fame, jumps into the pool to admittedly get Stacey’s attention. How…juvenile? Fortunately, no one else was dumb enough to join him. Stacey says that she loves the diversity of all of the guys and then asks to speak to Colt, the fourth White guy she’s had a one on one with tonight. Gotta love that rainbow! Stacey confronts Colt about some of the lyrics of his song i.e. she likes guys under 30, doesn’t mean she’s dirty… He says that it was all in fun and I feel like he’s being scolded by his buddy’s hot mom. Then she asks for a kiss, gives him a chocolate chip cookie and a pat on the knee. Stacey talks to David, the dude who owns his own house and just needs a Stepford wife to put in it, and he repeats that he has it all and just needs her. Kevin, unemployed lover of all things, has a one on one and he admits that he’s never dated an older woman. He asks if she’d like an Australian kiss. He explains that it’s kinda like a French kiss but down under. Stacey’s confused.

While Stacey’s chit chatting, some of the guys get into a debate about age being a number. Well, age is a number. Oh wait, I recognize crazy face marine Ryan. He’s the one who started this whole thing-shocker! Maybe Ryan meant age ain’t nothin’ but a number. Whatever he meant, it was enough to spark an argument. Ok now I recognize Colt, the guitar player. Ryan and Colt disagree on the whole age thing and Ryan makes fun of Colt’s ascot. Then Ryan calls Colt a douchebag! Then Ryan calls Colt an ascot motherf%$&er! Colt walks away realizing that Ryan is just mad because he messed up earlier. Ryan says that Colt has been talking crap all night but won’t provide details. The conversation ends with nothing resolved. How will I sleep tonight?! Vivica comes back out to get the elimination round started. If I’m not mistaken, I heard cattle calls and whistles when she walked outside. Something tells me Viv will have a great time with the cougar’s scraps.

Vivica announces the elimintaion process. If Stacey offers the guy her cheek, they have to go home. If she kisses the on the lips, they will stay. Kissing the eliminated guys would decrease the chances of passing on viral infections but I guess they can’t get everything right. One of the twins vlunteers to leave and Sacey’s all “I was gonna give you my cheek anyway.” Then she took away his baseball mitt and sent him to his room. She kisses David, the tree guy, and everyone begins ooh-ing and aah-ing. I was kinda surprised myself; Stacey looked scared shitless when he approached her. I guess she caught the jungle fever from an earlier kiss. Rich, ‘Make me a Man’ Bodie, booty shakin’ dude, an extra twin, and unemployed Kevin get sent home.

That’s all folks! I hope Stacey checks that nervous laughter next week and gets down to the nitty gritty. What do you think? I’m a little uncomfortable with this premise. I mean, it’s clear that 95% of these guys are too immature for her and there’s no way in hell she, even as a cougar, will be able to catch these guys once they take off kicking and screaming when they find out she has four kids. Until next week…