The Cougar: Name the Cat

How much you wanna bet Stacey’s gonna send David home tonight? I’m putting one real dollar on this one. I just had to get that out. Apparently last week’s talent show just wasn’t enough to convince Stacey of the guys’ value as human beings so this week they have to serenade Stacey. Am I watching The Cougar or Making the Band? Seriously. A goofy ass song won’t tell Stacey anything about the guys that she doesn’t already know. It does however, give us a chance to give our cougar a cool nickname.

Before the karaoke-fest, each guy must write a deep, dark secret and Stacey will read them. She will then pick out the two most interesting secrets. I’m pretty sure that Marine Ryan will not disappoint. Stacey reads the secrets and one guy stole a car at 14 and seriosuly injured his best friend. I’m guessing Jimmy. One guy saw the ghost of his dead uncle, one went to rehab for drugs, one guy pretends he’s religious for his family’s sake, another likes two Spice Girls songs, one went on trip behind his girlfriend’s back. Tey’re all pretty normal until we get to one guy’s secret that he tortured some crabs he got at the beach. I actually think he wrote that he got crabs from a bitch but Stacey was being nice.

Stacey picks the Marine Ryan’s secret (rehab) and Jon’s secret (cheating on girlfriend). Ryan thinks that Jons secret is worse but as much as I hate cheating, I’d rather not be with someone who might sell my kids for crack money. Stacey will clearly send Ryan home. First of all, drugs are bad, realy really bad. Oh and Jon was also shown in the preview for this episode singing a song during the second challenge.

On the date, Ryan explains that his mom caught him smoking pot. You lying MF. People don’t go to rehab for weed, I call heroin! After his confession, Ryan asks how affectionate Stacey is and she says she’s very affectionate. She’s still breast feeding her ex-boyfriend! Then Ryan asks what her turn ons are. Oh boy, why are men such horn dogs? He is so going home! Stacey talks to Jon about his infidelity and says she don’t play that. Jon says it was along time ago and considering his age, he probably did this senior year of high school and hooked up with his girlfriend’s best fried on their class trip to Six Flags.

Stacey claims that she has no idea what she’s gonna do but there is no type of suspense here. Plus when they go to commercial they show yet another clip of the show and Jon is still there! We’re back after another 12 second break, the guys in the house hate Jon because he’s numero uno and it’s time for the first elimination. Stacey calls ryan up and quickly gives him the cheek. She calls him on his silly questions and sends him packing. He was sweet about it and went about his merry way.

Jon takes Stacey on a treasure hunt of his hot Jersey body.

And then he kisses her and all is well. They go on their date in the wind tunnel which is befitting. Things that blow: the wind tunnel, Stacey Anderson after a strong Ovaltine and this show. Oh and this guy.

The aforementined dork is also known as Colt. He says that Jon is sneaky, fake, boring and nerdy. This coming from a guy with a man bang. Stacey talks to Jimmy, the personal trainer who is way too freakin’ serious for this show. He says that he is non- verbal and Stacey says he can’t communicate via energy.

Am I the only one seeing the Dorian Gray action going on here? I swear she ages by the episode. Stacey presses Jimmy a little further but the conversation goes nowhere. Jimmy’s all “I don’t ask questions” and Stacey’s not pleased with it. Then she talks to Colt and asks him the same damn thing she asks every guy in every episode. Why’d you tone down? Why don’t you seem interested? Why don’t you care anymore? These guys have barely mastered driving, they can’t handle emotions too!

Joe the Bartender and Stacey go up to her room and lay on her bed and Jon is really jealous. Joe and Stacey talk and kiss. He is amazed that she had her daughter at 17.

The next day, Vivica announces that the next challenge is to write Stacey a love song. It’s also fancy shirt day.

Stacey says that this is how young guys express themselves. Yeah Stace, those younguns like Mick Jagger and Sting and Bruce Springsteen. Adam sings country, David half sings and half talks like a 13 year old struggling with his voice changing. In Stacey’s potential defense, I might dump David too at this point. Austin does a poem, points off for not following directions. Jon sings terribly, Trevor sings u plus me equals hot sexy love. He’s still working on arithmemtic but might wanna look into biology too.

Joe, who is in the lead with Jon, kinda gave up and freestyled. Uh-oh. Colt took out his guitar and I’m sure he’ll win. Instruments are such coochie magnets. If Colt would just cut that bang, change his shirt, get a tan, work out, change his personality and demeanor he’d be perfect! Well, not perfect but less vomit inducing. Stacey picks a winner and it’s Colt. Wow. I’m so surprised. Colt is excited because he finally gets to find out who Stacey is and what she’s here for. So the dater becomes the datee!

Stacey says that she was attracted to Colt as soon as he stepped off the bus. FYI, this is what happens when you get botox instead of Lasik surgery. I find it sickening to believe that man-bangs caused instant attraction. They walk into a theater and dinner is waiting for them. Colt starts telling Stacey that she looks great for her age and she decides to drive home just how damn old she is by saying that she has a 63 year old sister. Whaaa??? Colt’s potential sister-in-law is old enough to be his grandmother.

Colt decides to run this date into the ground and tell Stacey that he moved to LA a couple of years ago. He’s worked with screenwriters, been a waiter and now does music full time. Succinctly, he’s unemployed and just looking to be on TV. He insists he’s not broke and I guess that’s true since most reality shows provide a per diem. Staeey doesn’t elimintae him and instead has a band come out and play for them. They dan ce and make out to the music and then it’s time for elimination.

The guys are all dressed up and waiting for Stacey. Austin was missing though and Stacey found him in his room crying. He’s losing it because he’s always messing up with Stacey. Stacey basically says to get over it because she doesn’t want some granny panty wearing dude cramping her style.

It’s time for the kiss off and I am still grossed out by this elimination process. I’m not the only one because Austi proceeds to go into the bathroom, puke and then go back out for elimination.

Stacey let’s him go and I’m kind of hoping that he has that rage virus from 28 Days Later and starts beating everyone up. But he doesn’t and we’re treated to more of him crying. The last two standing are Too Serious Jimmy and Sweaty David. Doesn’t he look like he sweats a lot? And doesn’t Stacey look like Sally Struthers? Apparently Stacey was injected with a bit of tolerance and didn’t cry, tremble and shake with fear as she did when she eliminated Kai. This disappoints me verily. Too Serious Jimmy gets to stay but I think he’ll be gone by the next episode. So what’d you think? Or the better question to ask is, do you even care? I know I don’t but I’ll be back next week. Same bat channel, same bat wings flaping from Stacey’s arms. Thanks to the commenters from last week. My mom has accepted me at last. Cheers!