The Cougar: Forty is the new Idiot

It is Week 2 of The Cougar! Let me just take a moment to add that to the “List of Phrases I Never Thought I’d Say.” Stacey managed to live through the what she calls “the wildest night” of her life. Wow. The only thing that was wild about it was her repeated exposure to about 15 strains of the mono virus. I can’t wait to see Stacey’s botox-ed face react to the combination of antibiotics and champagne.

The illustrious Vivica A. Fox traipses into the foyer and starts yelling for the boys to come out and play. She sounds like my mother on saturday morning when I was a kid. Very annoying, Viv! Vivica has gone into mom mode and she doesn’t even have kids. This seems to be some sort of natural progression or better yet regression.

Vivica explains that the guys will have a chance to win a group or solo date if they win a challenge. The first challenge is to act as Stacey’s personal trainer for 5 minutes. The guys who make the best impression, will be a part of the group date. Vivica says that the challenge starts now and no one moves. On most reality shows,the contestants scramble as soon as the challenge is mentioned. Not these dorks. They’re just standing there as if they’re going to simultaneously start barking orders at Stacey as she descends the stairs. Luckily, Vivica is there to move things along.

Vivica’s always been great with kids. Stacey comes downstairs in her workout gear while narrating that you don’t look like she does at 40 without spending some serious time at the gym. I’m assuming she’s speaking her native tongue of Lying Heifer-nese and gym translates to plastic surgeon. Actually, that may be too much of a compliment. Am i wrong for not thinking Stacey looks that great? I mean she fits the petite, blond image but she’s not mind blowing. Since she talked about how it’s not easy to look as good as she does, it opens her up to this type of scrutiny so whatever…Sidenote: I think Vivica is a better candidate for the how. She’s 44, has no kids and makes good money. She’s experienced with younger guys and will cut a ho that tries to take her man. I’m setting up a petition. One of these days. I’m sleepy now.

The day’s challenge starts 3 minutes into the show. They’re not wasting any time this week. Colt, the musician from last week, makes Stacey do sit ups and kiss him when she reaches the top. Didn’t I just see that somewhere?

Kai does whatever it is he’s doing.

Stacey is so excited by all of the guys and says she feels like Eve in a garden of forbidden fruit. I know she’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer but you know what Eve did right? That bitch got us all down here having periods and kids and whatnot cuz she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. I could’ve been living in a garden, eatin fruit and ribs with a bevy of naked men around me. So basically, Stacey is the worst thing to ever happen to the world. I’m glad she said it….

“Crazy Marine” Ryan gives her a massage. That’s so not a workout but he should win just for doing that. “I like girls” Travis gives her a thighmaster and says his mom used to have one. Good one Travis. Point out more similarities between the woman you’re trying to date and your MOM. Every woman loves that! “Shakespeare” JD bench presses her. I’ve gotta admit; it’s kinda sexy when a dude can lift you like that. It’s also a self-esteem killer for those of us he can’t lift. “Cougar Virgin” Tom keeps talking about how he’s never dated an older woman. Tom, stop saying that or she’ll send you home.

The twin brother that’s left, Adam, says he’s glad his brother Grant is gone. Stacey says she felt bad that she sent Grant home but if I’m not mistaken, Grant offered to go home first. Just because Stacey tried to folow it up with an “I was gonna send you home anyway” it doesn’t make it any better. Stacey picks 5 challenge winners: Travis, Adam, Colt, Ryan, and Tom. It’s only 8 minutes into the show. Is this episode half an hour? A girl can dream.

TV Land literally went to commercial for a minute and a half. WTF! They are on fire tonight. I hope this means that there’s tons of drama they’ve crammed in here. For the record, Stacey has picked 5 of the most unattractive men to go on this date to the skating rink and one of the five will be sent home right after the date. No pressure fellas. Adam takes Stacey to get a drink in between skating and she says that she hasn’t figured him out yet. He seems to joke a lot and he says that it’s tough to be in his position. Yes Adam. A whole 18 hours in this hell hole. She just doesn’t get it!

Tom is next and says he’s never dated older women and he’s only dated 19 and 20 year old girls. Did I call it or what? He’s totally setting himself up to be sent home. Telling a 40 year old woman that you’ve only dated high school seniors is not a good look. Travis interrupts Tom’s conversation and it’s clear that Stacey really likes him but I don’t know why.

Colt and Adam have a conversation at the rink and Colt asks if he thinks the best twin was sent home. Adam gets all defensive and says that Colt is at the bottom of the bunch. Colt takes this as verification of his intimidation factor. Stacey immediately comes to the same conclusion and says that Colt has great style. Lasik surgery takes like 5 minutes. I’m just putting it out there. Then they kiss, tongue and all. Stacey makes her way over to the guys and they are all quiet. Travis tells her that they were upset to see her kissing Colt.

Stacey has to send one guy home and I’m putting ten imaginary bucks on Tom. I’m typing this live so let’s see if I’m right. She’s doing the kissing elimination thing again! This is so f’ing gross. And at a skating rink too! Ok she called up Tom and…she gives hm the cheek. I am the Master of the Universe! I knew that idiot was digging his grave but something tells me that he won’t mind going home to his 19 year old college girls.

After the next 30-second commercial we have a second challenge for the guys. We are going full speed ahead tonight! The board of health must have gotten word of the unsanitary elimination method and called for a speedy end to this germfest. Vivica announces that today is Stacey’s birthday and she is turning 40. The guys are shocked and then agree that she looks good for her age. Boys, everyone would look great if their forehead didn’t move. I suppose.

Then we all get a surprise. Stacey’s friends Mici and Kelly are there for her birthday! Jim says that her friends are old and next thing you know, he’ll be doing needlepoint. That’s not a far cry considering that Stacey’s sipping ovaltine. Another wild and crazy night Stacey?

I am loving Jim’s ignorant ass by the way. Vivica announces that the guys get to go shopping for Stacey’s birthday and the guy who buys the best gift, will win a solo date. Mici and Kelly are the definitive suburban soccer mom and closeted gay dad. They ask Stacey what the guys said about the kids but she reveals that they don’t know because they haven’t asked. Stacey mentions that her oldest is the same age as some of these guys. At least that puts her daughter out of Tom’s 19-20 age range. The guys come back to the house and are gathered like a 2nd grade show and tell.

JD wrote out that crappy poem he recited last week. The next dude, Johnny, thumb wrestles Stacey. Austin buys massage produts which is a little presumptuous. Jon from Jersey (my hometown) gives her a leather bound journal. Jim likes this idea.

Marine Ryan gives her a dollar store Asian necklace, “I hate old people” Jim gives her a candleholder.

Colt gives her an ice tray in the shape of smiles. Joe gave her a dog scarf. Jimmy gives her a dirty card that says “I’m gonna give you a licking.” Stacey refuses to read it because it’s sexually suggestive and now she wonders if she’s doing the right thing. She lives in a house with 14 men and she’s kissed all of them multiple times. One of them gave her a massage already and another guy bought her massage products. Just making sure that the kettle and pot both know that they’re black. Any grown woman in her right mind knows that the average 20 something year old man is not cut out for a relationship with a 40 year old woman. I hope that this is all an act on her part.

Kai gave her a jewelry box and Stacey is floored that he put that much thought into it.

Travis gave her a stuffed monkey and brings up his mom – AGAIN! He says she’d always bring him back a stuffed monkey when she’d go away. I’m starting to think that Travis doesn’t even have a mother. I’m thinking he’s really some beautiful orphan who makes up fanciful stories about his imaginary mother. The gift giving is over and Stacey picks Jersey Jon to get the first date. Root for the home team (Jersey)!

Stacey and Jon go to some bar/lounge. This is the dude that has everything except a woman. Jon says he walked into the store and picked the gift right away. In all fairness he does seem the most mature. Jon asks if she’s been married and she says yes, twice. Holy crap! I didn’t know that. He asks about her kids and she reveals that her oldest dauhter is 23 and the rest are 16, 13 and 10. He says it’s great that she has four kids and he’s stuttering like a man who just found out that his potential girlfriend has four kids.

Mici and Kelly mingle while Stacey’s gone and Mici is not sure that she should fall in love with any of these guys. Especially the guys with whom he’s exchanged numbers. Officer Nick decides to have a surprise birthday party. Colt is suspicious of Nick because he seems controlling. Now would be a good time to reiterate the fact that Officer Nick is a cop. What do you expect?

The guys start baking cakes and Jim is annoyed that they’re hanging out with older people that he’s not even attracted to. This guy is too funny. I’ve never heard of attraction being a factor in whether or not you will stand in the same room as another person. You’d think he doesn’t have parents, aunts, uncles, a boss, or a neighbor over the age of 35 the way he talks.

Now it’s time for the heartfelt part of the episode. Jon reveals that he has had no contact with his father since the age of 7. Stacey reveals that her daughter Leah was told she’d die without a liver transplant and Stacey lobbied for legislation to be changed to reinstitute funding for organ transplants for people under 20. The daughter got the transplant at the age of 9 and she is fine now. Hooray!

Just jokes. Jon seems like he might be one of the few guys mature enough to handle this type of convo. Could you see Jim “I see old People” discussing this. I wonder if Jim won’t just up and volunteer to leave once he hears about the kids. So, Jon and Stacey get back to the cougar-villa and all of the guys are gathered for her party. Showing a complete lack of concern for Stacey’s face, boobs, and local forests the guys put forty fully lit candles on the cake. Jim is just amazed at the fact that she blew them out with needing resuscitation. Mici’s drunk as hell and makes a toast.

It’s time for elimination which means more cringe inducing kisses. Stacey has to send two guys home tonight. Stacey lets Shakespeare JD go because he’s shy and she wants someone outgoing. Guess what Stacey “I’ve been married twice and now I have to find love on TV” Anderson? You might need to try someone a little laid back. Jim “I hate old people” gets sent home. Stacey says that they don’t have a connection. Stacey caught on to the fact that he wasn’t there for her. She feels he was there for a laugh. Aren’t we all?

Jim feels that he’s grown as a person and I do have to give him credit for being respectful. He could have insulted her oldness. JD gives us one last poem before he leaves and I actually feel a little bad for him. He was creepy but now he seems creepily sweet. Next week, “I’m not gay” Travis dons a dress and a couple more guys get sent home. By the by, the reason they rushed the episode is because they’re showing a sneak peek of “She’s Got the Look.” I’m a litte annoyed that I typed 89 words per minute so they could cram in a promo for another geriatric low budget show. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And the promo actually did look good. Leave your thoughts as I need some reason to continue with this drudgery.