The Cougar: Seasons Change, People Change

Vivica is the most impatient host in dating show history. Every week she calls the guys out and it’s always like “Hurry up guys” or “Come on fellas, we don’t have all day” or “Get your asses down here, I was in Independence Day and now I’m a game show host dammit!” You can totally tell that she wants to get the day over with so she can go home to do more important things.

For the first challenge this week….

Wait a minute, that was the beginning of 5 Guy Cream Pie and cougars don’t have stripes. This week, there will be a kissing challenge although Stacey’s kissed all of these guys as least 6 times each at this point. Being ground zero for the swine flu outbreak isn’t enough for this show. The production staff is going for an all out pandemic. Each guy must kiss Stacey while she is blindfolded, cause her to swoon and preferably vomit. The two who do it the best will win a threesome, I mean a date. The Cougar would never have anything as interesting as a threesome. Ready?

Joe and Adam’s kisses are really lame. Jimmy grabs Stacey’s face and goes for it. Judging by Stacey’s neck, she really enjoyed it. I guess.

Jimmy and Jon win the challenge and they go with Stacey to a wine tasting adventure. Stacey is really impressed with Jimmy. Jon is really awkward on the date and Stacey is becoming concerned at this point. In all fairness though, Jimmy says the wine leaves a moist taste in your mouth. First of all, moist is a sensation not a taste. Secondly, most guys don’t like when the girl they’re trying to shtup is also trying to be shtupped by the dude next to him. Newsflash Stacey: Jon’s not so weird. Stacey has a challenge where the two guys have to run to a wine barrel and then roll it back. Jimmy, the too serious personal trainer, loses to Jon. LA Fitness is SO going to fire Jimmy for that.

Jon wins the one on one time and tells Stacey that he’s usually the life of the party but its different here because he’s focused on her. Stacey wants someone who interacts with people around her. Jon asks “You wanna see my fun side?” and then says “I’ll show you my fun side.” Normally this is the point when the guy does something really sexy, wacky or spontaneous. Stacey is eager with anticipation but Jon just looks at her. Finally he kisses her but that’s not fun, that’s the elimination ceremony.

Jimmy has one on one time with Stacey which I find amusing. What was the point of the wine barrel racing if both guys were going to get a date? Jimmy, who is waaayyy more serious than Jon in my opinion, shares how he loved a girl but she broke up with him while in college. Then he shares that his brother is so awesome and he starts crying. I told you he was too serious! I don’t know about Stacey but I can’t have a crying ass man laying all over me all the time. Then Jimmy says that he’s getting urges and wants to nibble on her cheek. So he kisses her (badly) then takes off his shirt and throws Stacey on the bed. She’s happy that he was so aggressive with her but remember when she was all pissed off when Austin gave her that gag gift about licking her? So I guess it’s okay to be a pervert if you cry first. It really sucks when women give out those mixed signals.

Stacey skips the day’s challenge because she needs more time with Adam and Travis. These two need to go ASAP. Travis is too young and gay for Stacey and Adam…well this is just getting redundant. Travis says that he is ready for a long term relationship because his last one was four years long.

Adam is asked how many sexual partners he’s had.

He ultimately refuses to answer. Then she asks who he is most nervous about her meeting. He jokes and says Grant (his twin brother who was on the first episode but went home). Stacey is annoyed that he’s not being forthcoming and she asks Travis for one on one time. Travis says she’s hot even though she’s older and asks what her goals are. She says she wants to go back to school for broadcasting.

Stacey wants to go into broadcasting and I have a feeling that this show might just be a launching pad for that. The cougar is pulling the fur over all of our eyes! Travis feeds her strawberries at her prodding and they kiss. How can they all just keep kissing each other like this?? Back at the house, Jon is worried that he’ll go home and I feel like he’s whining for no reason. Jersey Jon’s got it in the bag…right?

Stacey goes back to Adam and confronts him because it seems like he’s hiding something. Adam didn’t want to open up because he felt like he was going to be eliminated. This makes Stacey cry because she wants to know who is there and sincere about being with her. They get back to the house Stacey breaks it down grammar school style.

Jon picks the wrong time to show his light-hearted side and laughs.

The guys commiserate and Colt says that Stacey’s not here to play around with little boys. The only problem is, that’s exactly what she’s trying to do. Jon asks Travis about his date and Travis tells him that he won’t share anything with Jon because he doesn’t respect him. They have a mini argument but it’s not particularly interesting or dramatic.

Stacey takes all the guys to the beach to have one on one time and she pulls Adam to the side right away. She’s still asking if he’s into her. Adam is saying that it’s taking a while to open up because he’s not sure if he’ll make it through. Adam rats on Jon and now Stacey wants to know why Jon got all angry the night before. Jon says that he was a little offended by Stacey’s comments the night before. He explained that he shouldn’t have done that and she says that it was wrong for him to be a jerk when she was so emotional. Stacey also asks about the “shuffle” the night before. Damn! The editors must have cut out the tap dance battle that ensued after the argument.

Jon just says that it wasn’t him and Stacey asks if that wasn’t him then who is he. That’s deep. Stacey takes Joe, the cute little Bostonian bartender, to the bar for their conversation. Joe tells her that he loves her.

I’ve gotta say, Stacey looks all kinds of purple today. Stacey has been begging these guys to open up and worship her but when Joe does, she seems standoffish. We didn’t see any other dates so I guess the rest of them will be staying this week.

Stacey has pulled out the can of Aqua Net and committed herself to some heavy duty soul searching before the elimination ceremony.

Stacey explains that she will be meeting their families next week. Stacey calls Jon up and gives him her cheek. Whoa!! I was not expecting that and neither was anyone else. I’m a little excited though because this means I might still have a shot with him. She kisses Colt, Jimmy and Trevor on the lips and it’s down to Aloof Adam and Joe “I’m in Love” Bartender. Stacey gives Joe the cheek. Hate her! He grew on me the past couple of weeks. She says it wasn’t an easy choice but she doesn’t really explain why she got rid of him. So let me get this straight, if you ignore, dismiss and generally abhor her, you can win Stacey’s heart. If you confess your love for her, are gainfully employed and treat her with respect, you will be dumped. I am so shocked that she’s single. I am also practicing my sarcasm. So, this week Stacey started to feel the pain of chasing after young boys. They fought each other, laughed at her and then ignored her which sounds much like my life from 1991-present. Is Stacey a complete fool for getting rid of Jon and/or Joe? Or am I a fool for getting caught up in this show? Til next time!