The Cougar: So Over It

Well this is it. Tonight Stacey Anderson will choose the man that she will spend the next 24 hours with. TV Land is calling this a season finale so I guess the ratings were high enough to warrant a second season. My plea is that they pick someone with about four less kids and four times the personality. What could be more interesting than Stacey?

Sorry for my tardiness with this missive but I couldn’t bear to revisit this show for the finale. I eventually sucked it up and thought of all the money I’ll make once this is published. Sometimes you have to lie to yourself. This week, we get to meet Stacy Yawnderson’s kids because she says that she can not fall in love with a man until he meets them. The kids arrive at the house and Colt is the first to meet them. Delaney, Graham and Tatum arrive and all I can say is – where’s the fourth kid? I’m already raising an eyebrow at our favorite non-custodial parent of 2009.

Tatum is a little cutie pie and so is Graham. Delaney is also present but I’m not sure if she’s the 23 year old since the fourth kid isn’t there.

If she is the oldest, I can see why Stacey wouldn’t mind dating someone the same age as her daughter. I hate to say it but Delaney isn’t any competition. I almost wonder if Stacey purposely makes sure Delaney doesn’t exceed her mom’s hotness. I’ve seen moms do that before.

Colt brings the party starter (or party ender depending on whether you can hear or not)-his guitar. He introduces himself and then has a private conversation with Stacey’s two girls. He awkwardly has this conversation with his guitar in his hands.

I just saw that this poor girl’s name is spelled Tatym. I’m all for individuality but it just looks like it’s spelled wrong. I googled the name for the heck of it. It means joyful and it’s a variation of the name Tatum. Mystery solved. The girls ask Colt if he’d like to marry Stacey and he says he would if it led there someday. Then Graham Cracker takes Colt to the side to talk man to man. Graham asks all the right questions so he clearly read his script the night before. He asks if Colt’s been in a serious relationship (kinda), if he’ll stay in L.A. (he’s not attached to his latest cardboard box so not necessarily) and if he should win (some lame ass answer that should have just been yes). Colt leaves and TV Land treats us to a two minute long preview of everything that will happen in the next segment. Thanks jackasses.

Jimmy arrives at the house with treats. He brought flowers and food to cook for dinner. I’m sold! Stace is hoping that Jimmy won’t come across as the arrogant jerk that she thought he was. Little note Stacey: first impressions are usually accurate. Jimmy has just made the adjustments he needed in order to stay on the show. Jimmy, as usual, still won’t smle. Delane asks how old Jimmy is and he replies:

Okay. I may have embellished that a little but that’s really the way he looked at her. Carefully observe how Stacey is smiling on as he looks at Delaney with the stank eye. She looks like one of those women who are totally willing to screw her kids over for the first man that will show her any attention.

All of the kids giggle nervously at Jimmy’s admission of his age and his menacing glare. They seem like kids who are used to the emotional abuse handily spouted out by their mom’s boyfriends. Graham can’t believe that Jimmy’s only 7 years older than him.

I’m officially hating Jimmy. You have to watch out for guys who take themselves too seriously because they’re the type who’ll trip over a crack in the sidewalk and when you laugh he’ll glare at you until you get home and then he’ll beat you mercilessly until you admit that there was nothing funny about him tripping over a crack!! After they finish making dinner, Graham Cracker and Jimmy go away for some one on one time. As soon as the guys leave, Delaney reveals that Jimmy said that he’s falling in love with Stacey. Tatym scolds Delaney because it was supposed to be a secret. Delaney rationalizes that if he didn’t want Stacey to know, he wouldn’t have told them.

I know, I know; I’m a woman too, but I keep my trap shut. You’d have to call in the FBI just to find out what I ate for breakfast. In Delaney’s defense, they probably held up the cue card and she had no choice but to read it. Maybe if she says all the right things, Stacey will start coughing up some child support for her. Meawhile, Jimmy and Graham Cracker agree that Stacey is straight up and they just keep repeating this for about 45 seconds. Finally Jimmy leaves and he feels that he could be with Stacey forever. Whatever you say Jimbo.

The kids give their opinions on the guys. Delaney thinks that Colt is more “live in the moment” and Jimmy is “more settled.” Tatym says that Jimmy seemed nervous and if Colt was nervous, you couldn’t tell. Grant likes the fact that Jimmy cooked for them since she never does. Stacey explains that now they get to see why her life is so hard. She has to choose between two men instead of taking care of her kids. Will the hardship never end?

The next day, Stacey meets Colt for a final date and he brings out his geetar again. He sings some song that sounds like all of his other songs. I forgot to mention that Stacey’s been drinking the entire episode but I think we’ve already established her co-dependence. On Jimmy’s final date, he presents Stacey with a box. Could it be a ring???? Oh…it’s just a paper heart with a note scribbled on it. Stacey is really touched by this.

Jimmy tells Stacey that he’s fallen in love and then they kiss. I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting a little jealous. It’s been a while since I’ve been accosted on a couch on a basic cable dating show. Woe is me. That night, Stacey gets ready for the final elimination and for once she’s not wearing a black dress!

Colt is the first man up and Vivica is there to greet him.

Colt decides to be brave and make his way into the house. Stacey greets him and his Jetsons sideburns with a very stiff smile and a firm hand hold. Stacey compliments the crap out of Colt and then he does the same. She asks for a kiss and she gives him the cheek. She apologizes for the decision she made and says that she cares about him, he’s incredible, she loves him, he has a huge penis, he’ll make a great husband to a twice divorced woman with four kids but she’s IN LOVE with Jimmy. Colt throws around a lot of phrases involving the words hurt and honesty and they walk out holding hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never broken up with someone and then held hands with him. maybe had sex with him, but definitely didn’t hold hands with him. In the limo home, Colt says that the only thing he could’ve done differently as not fall in love and…

I’m seriously hoping that the camera pans to the left and Jimmy is sitting right next to him because they couldn’t afford to get two limos. Instead, Colt just cries and it’s all kinds of pathetic. I feel a little badly for him but you gotta expect that on a show like this.

Onto the big dog. Or little cub. Cougarette? Whatever, its too late for nicknames anyway. Jimmy shows up to the house and hold up!! Why is the limo driver black and Vivica’s greeting the guys at the door like some whored up mammy?! It’s like some sick Gone with the Wind remake.

Stacey greets him with a firm hand hold and wet panties. She tells Jimmy that he’s great, he’s hot, he’s shiny and new. Stacey asks for for her kiss and boy do they kiss. Then, Jimmy tells her that she’s hot for an old chick, her kids are easy to push around, she supposedly has a lot of money and he’s a personal trainer that lives with his parents.

It’s kinda cute that he started off the season on one knee and now he’s ending it the same way but it also reinforces the theory that all of this crap is scripted and they’re both actors. I mean c’mon; Jimmy’s ex-girlfriend left him to shoot a “movie” and now he’s on a tv show. Stacey gets all emotional after the proposal but she’s done this twice. How exciting can this really be? For example, I loved Space Mountain the first two times I rode it but by the third time I was more concerned with posing for that camera that takes a picture of you screaming like a fool while you’re on the ride. Also, Jimmy can not afford that huge ring. I’m thinking Jimmy called in a few favors and is indebted to someone with the last name “Knuckles.”

Well that’s it. TV Land doesn’t get all fancy schmancy and have reunion shows so we’ll probably never know what happens to these two and we definitely won’t care. So what did you think? And are we ready for some fresh, FUN blood for season two? I say yes! Catch my “I’m a Clebrity, Get Me Out of Here” recaps until the next aging mammal pops up on TV Land.