This week on The Cougar, Stacey says she will be separating the boys from the men. Clearly Stacey has not evaluated the group of guys she’s assembled here. There’s a 9:3 men to boys ratio in this group. The only way she can determine these guys’ manliness is through a talent show. You can so tell this show is being run by a PTA mom. I bet the next challenge will be a square dance in the gym. Or maybe the guys will have to set up a hotline so they can give advice to teenagers. Perhaps they’ll form a choir just to win a trip to Hawaii. Oh sorry, that was the third season of Saved by the Bell. This show is much more scripted.
“Let me wind up Stacey’s pacemaker before we begin.”
Vivica announces that there will be two challenges this week; the aforementioned talent show and another yet to be announced. The guys who win will have a chance to go out on a date with Stacey. The guys look completely baffled as to what they are going to do for their talent.
David: Should I just show her my dong?
Jon: Could you put that away?
Nick: I’m Nick, I’m a cop. I like your nightstick. I’d beat you with it.
Austin decides to make a mustache out of charcoal and I can’t help but be a little weirded out by this. I hope we’re not headed into Hitler or blackface impressions. He seems like the type to do something really stupid like that. The talent show starts about 20 seconds later. Austin opens the show with something even worse than I suspected. Borat.
This was so funny-three years ago.
Adam “raps.” He’s reppin’ Wisconsin and brags that he has a one way ticket to Arizona and some of these guys just got high school diplomas. It was unbelievably stiff and corny but everything rhymed so I’ll give him credit. Trevor juggles, Kai hula hoops and some other dude walks on his hands. Ryan, the wack job marine, does the obligatory Michael Jackson impression while wearing the Tom Cruise outfit from Risky Business and then he shows us what he’s working with.
Pretty Fly (for a White guy)
Johnny does a mime/magician act and then we get to David. He’s decided against the dong reveal and instead has opted to go full minstrel. He makes a black and white sock that represents him and Stacey.
“Wait until you see my third arm.”
Officer Nick handcuffs Stacey because that’s what Officer Nick does. He never misses an opportunity to let you know that he is an officer. Officer Nick. He cuffs Stacey’s hand together and then says that she won’t be able to get away. Evidently Officer Nick did not graduate at the top of his class as Stacey’s hands are in front of her and she has full use of her legs. Then Nick performs the un-sexiest lap dance ever.
For once, a cop is on the receiving end of an anal cavity search.
Further evidence that Stacey is the wrong chick for this show: she keeps calling Nick’s butt his rear end. What is this, the 1920s? Jimmy recites Shakespeare but that only works on women when it has the words beauty and/or love in it. Jimmy’s has neither. Stacey picks Austin, David, Johnny and Adam as the winners.
Stacey takes the winners to a salsa club. She clearly hasn’t gotten the memo that the Latin Explosion fizzled out the year that Jennifer Lopez got engaged to Ben Affleck. Stacey takes David aside to talk and she asks what she should know about him.
“Do you have any prior convictions?”
“No but I bought my mom a house when I was 23.”
“With drug money?”
“No just regular money. What are you looking for in a relationship?”
“Someone who’s equal; separate but equal. I’ve always been in favor of that.”
Stacey is really on the defensive with this perfectly nice, handsome guy. There’s an underlying tension that seems to stem from Stacey wanting to bone David but not bring him home or be seen with him in public. When Stacey talks to Austin one on one he says that family is really important as does Stacey and that’s all it takes for her to kiss him. As soon as they kiss, Austin yells back to the other guys that he’s got the “green light.” He literally yelled this. Even a 20 year old knows that you whisper things like that or send a sneaky text. In Austin’s defense, maybe he thought Stacey’s old ass couldn’t hear him.
Damn Screech. You almost had a chance with that old cat-and Stacey.
Stacey is baffled as to why the guys are great individually but act differently when around other men. This is just pitiful. Every woman learns by the 4th grade that this is what guys do. Stacey talks to Johnny and doesn’t ask him any hard questions. The only time she was standoffish was when he tried to kiss her. Ok, so she doesn’t like Latino men either. Seriously, this chick kissed Screech. Johnny is a step up. Stacey takes Adam to the side, says that he’s acting differently and she can’t figure him out. He says he’s holding back because they are on a journey but she reminds him that it’s a short one. Dunh, dunh, dunhhh!!
Stacey is worried about her connection with Adam. I’m gonna call this out as a fake cliffhanger. She clearly has a thing for effeminate underage boys and won’t be getting rid of him anytime soon. She also wonders sometimes if she’s doing the right thing. No…you should KNOW at ALL times that you are definitely doing the wrong thing. The next morning Vivica announces that the next challenge will be to buy Stacey a dress for a hot date. And the guys literally run outside.
“Last one to the car likes girls!”
I have never seen these guys move so quickly when given an assignment. They’re a little too eager if you ask me. The dress shopping goes a little something like this.
“You’re thighs look huge in that dress. I can try it on for you.”
“Stacey’s from the 80′s so she’d like this dress. It’ll remind her of when she was young and pretty.”
“This looks a little long. I can try it on for you.”
“Just say the word and I’ll try it on for you.”
“Well, if you insist….”
I already called Travis on his closeted status from the beginning so this is of no surprise to me. By the way, I think that Kai is going home. I just wanted to throw that in because you never really see anything about him and Stacey will still have her token (David) around. I think Joe the bartender will go home too; I barely know who he is. Back to the dress shop, Jon is annoyed by all of the silliness and says that he is trying to get more time with Stacey. I love it! He is all about business. If he doesn’t win, I’m taking a trip down the Garden State Parkway to grab him up for myself.
Stacey proceeds to model the dresses for Vivica. Most of them are nice and I am hoping that Stacey picks one of the jazzy leopard or pink dresses. Vivica goes downstairs to present the chosen dress to Stacey and she’s in another boring ass black dress. Come on! There isn’t a cougar-licious bone in this woman’s body. Turns out that Anonymous Joe picked out the winning dress so he wins the date. This makes me doubt my previous prediction that he’ll go home but this could be the date that drives the nail in his coffin.
Stacey takes Joe to an elegant French restaurant to see if he can wine and dine her. The more I look at Joe, the more I think he’s not really 23. I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘Joe’ is his older brother’s name and fake Joe stole his ID to come on the show and skip out on his geometry final. Stacey orders foie gras, escargot and they drink chardonnay. Is she testing his social skills or his gag reflex? Liver and snails sounds like something Joe should be dissecting for biology class. Stacey is impressed by him and feels that he’s more refined than the average 23 year old. He says that he plays the drums and Stacey practically drops her panties at the mention of him being a musician.
“My nipples are so hard right now.”
Joe starts flinging the questions at Stacey and finds out that she has four siblings and four children. She says that her oldest is older than Joe and he asks, “How old is he?” Stacey says that SHE is 23.
“Yes! I’ll totally do her when you go to bed at 8:30.”
Stacey says he doesn’t share her kids with everyone so Joe is really special. In other words, don’t tell anyone else about the kids. He asks how her kids will feel, specifically the oldest daughter and her view on threesomes, and Stacey assures him that they’re fine with it because they know she’s a slut. He says that he dated a girl for 7-8 months that he used to date in high school but he felt like he was going backwards so they broke up. Joe was actually more mature than I’d expected but I feel like he speaks really low to keep his voice from cracking. At the end of the date they each compliment each other and then Joe says he wants to live his HOT LIFE. His Boston accent may have obstructed my hearing but I checked it twice and I’m pretty sure that’s what he said. Is this what the young folks say nowadays? Then they kiss. Of course.
Ok so now I’m predicting that Kai, Nick and maybe Austin will go home. Whoa! Just as I typed that she pulled Nick to the side for a one on one. Maybe I’m wrong again. Stacey talks to Officer Nick and asks if she makes him uncomfortable. He says no and he wants to be himself but he gets nervous in front of an audience. Stacey has Nick’s heart and she asks why he ruins his chances. He says she has beautiful eyes, legs and a body. He doesn’t want to hold back and he wants to let his wang loose every time he sees her. Way to go Officer Jackass!
It’s elimination time and Stacey sends Johnny home. I knew he wouldn’t last too long so this isn’t too surprising. He says that he knew when he came here that he’d either find love or he wouldn’t. Ummm yeah, that’s kinda the premise of this show. Austin “Screech Powers” comes up and he gets a kiss. I suck at this psychic thing. When it’s David’s turn, Stacey literally looks like she’s cringing as she calls him up.
“Please don’t take my necklace.”
He’s still safe though. Next up is Kai and it goes a little something like this.
[Kai walking silently]
“Hi there, good.”
What? That wasn’t even a sentence? Then, Stacey goes mute.
Holy. Shit. What do I say???
[Kai waiting patiently]
Oh my gosh! I gave him the cheek. What am I gonna say???
Maybe when I open my eyes he’ll be gone.
Nope, he’s still here.
“I’m so sorry I had to make this decision.”
“It kills me to do this. Kinda like how O.J. killed his wife.”
“I’m so sorry that just slipped out. Please don’t stab me!”
“Mmmmm, you smell like Oppression by Stacey Anderson.”
And Kai makes his departure….I know they edit these shows but not even 30 seconds later, Stacey eliminates Nick and he says that she’s breaking his heart. Stacey did not cringe or cry once. In fact, she was almost gleeful in her rejection.
“You’re breakin’ my heart Officer Doughnuts. Handcuff yourself to someone who cares.”
Officer Nick says that he would have been her knight in shining armor.
“You know, cuz knights were like 18th century cops. I’m a cop, get it? I use ‘knight’ sticks. Someone please shoot me.”
Adam gets to stay and it’s clear that Stacey favors the bare faced, pre-pubescent, effeminate looking guys. That sounds like a great topic for a therapy session. Jon, Adam, Joe and Trevor seem to be the front runners and next week someone will go up to her bedroom. I’m betting it’s one of them. They blaze through the credits like Stacey through a tube of Abreva and we’re treated to another preview of that geriatrically, gynocentric modeling show that’s coming out soon. More old crows in black dresses; just what I need more of. Leave comments so I can show my mom I have friends. Thanks in advance!