The Cut: Just plane Beau-ring

With Crazy Psycho Jeff getting cut last episode, I wondered how the show would be this week. I mean, that guy freaked me out and pissed me off, but he was fun to discuss in my recaps. With him gone, who would fill the void left by his departed lunacy? What would add excitement and unpredictability to the show from now on? Surely there’d be something. Lo and behold, my heart rate immediately doubled at the outset: The bottom quarter of my screen was filled with “Flash Flood Warning, Severe Thunderstorm Warning” and an endless crawl describing the terribly exciting result of water falling from the sky in large quantities when a cold front mixes with a warm front. I was mesmerized.

But unfortunately, there was a show going on at the same time that I had to pay attention to as well. Like all reality shows, the footage began at the moment immediately following the latest eviction. Shauna (Native American name: Waddles with Fox Coat) spoke for everyone, including me, regarding Jeff, “Thank god we got rid of that Bozo.” Oddly, the conversation then took a turn and everyone lamented that Elizabeth was still around. Since day one, no one has liked Elizabeth, and I’ve never quite figured out why. Is it her Sally Jesse Rafael glasses? If only their reasoning was so logical.This week’s meeting with HALfiger-9000 took place at the Teterboro airport. This is, like, the 5th time that podunk little airport has been mentioned or featured on this show. HALfiger must get free drinks at the “Captain’s Nest” there or something. As we’ve come to expect by now, HALfiger related his snoozer of a story to the remaining contestants. This week I marveled at the amount of overdubs that were spliced in to make the story more coherent. This made me wonder how truly awful his stories were originally, and what an ordeal it must be for everyone to stand there and pretend to be enthralled. This week, HALfiger explained that branding is an important aspect to any, um, brand name. And “Tommy Hilfiger” was no different – in fact, he even has had his private jet branded, which is apparently very important. So that’s what each team would be tasked with this week – painting actual jet airplanes with their own take on the “Tommy Hilfiger” brand. Hmm, that’s potentially pretty cool… What’s going on here? (Aside from the flash flood I was awaiting, to sweep my house from its foundation.)

With two full days and $700 each, the teams broke down as follows: Team Orange Jumpsuit – Deanna, Shauna (Pirate name: Grey Teeth), Felix, Wes, and Princess. Team Blue Jumpsuit – Chris, Rob Walker, Elizabeth, and Jessica. Chris explained his first pick, “I picked Rob first because he’s a painter.” Technically he was right. But really, does painting sparkly squiggles on t-shirts and sneakers qualify him as a “painter”? If so, then I guess I’m a “Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist.” Hey, that feels pretty good. From now on, please address me as such, thank you. HALfiger explained that each plane (a big, white G3 jet) should be painted in a “big” and “bold” way. “Make it great,” he commanded. I guess I can’t fault his limited vocabulary. After all, he is pretty advanced for a being half-monkey, half-robot.

The next order of business was the posh invite “challenge”. This week, one member from each team had the opportunity to fly with HALfiger on his private jet to Miami Beach to hang out and party on a luxury yacht. Again, if you don’t watch this show, this “challenge” is supposed to test social skills. If you DO watch this show, someone please explain to me how these trips are actually “challenges.” No one has been booted for their boorish behavior before (see Princess, Jeff, Princess, Jeff, Jeff, and Jeff) so by going on a little vacation, the person is apparently safe. While there appears to be no downside to going on these trips, they have proven to be burdensome for the team back in New York performing the task. This week, Team Blue’s captain Chris made it clear that no one would be going to Miami, as they were already a man down. It was painfully evident that poor Jessica, the Minnesota beauty queen, really wanted to go. It was nice to see that her beauty queen training came to the fore as she was unable to speak up and out against the male leader or state any contrarian opinions. She’ll make a good little Stepford Wife someday. Meanwhile, the opposite occurred over on Team Orange as they actually volunteered Princess for the trip. Gee, that’s gotta feel good…placed on the team by default and then begged to get the hell out of Dodge for the duration of the project. You go girl! No… Really… Just go.

After HALfiger tried in vain to convince Jess to join him on his jaunt (because apparently, not even a proto-simian BORG like HALfiger wants to be stuck with Princess for 2 days), the teams brainstormed ideas for their planes. Team Blue put their heads together and Elizabeth came up with the first idea: “Guys, I have to go back to the loft to throw up and meet with the doctor. Paint a globe on it.” Strangely, the three other team members liked both ideas and Elizabeth was out the door and out of commission. Over on Team Orange Shauna (Doo-Wop name: Shau-na-na-naaaa) came up with the same exact idea as Elizabeth. So she, too, was out the door and into a nightgown last seen on TV being worn by Ann B. Davis. Each team was now down to three members – and they were supposed to paint an entire airplane in 48 hours. Perhaps affected by the daunting task ahead, Wes blurted out his idea: “Let’s paint it like a big ol’ bumblebee.”

“Bzzzzztt,” retorted Deanna, “that’s a bad idea.” Sheesh, that must have really stung. (With those last two sentences, I expect “Two and a Half Men” will be calling soon with an offer to write for them.) Deanna suggested a graffiti motif and the team jumped on it. Felix, as a graphic artist with some graffiti experience, really enjoyed the plan and he came up with the gist of what they would be painting. Over on Team Blue, Jess, Rob, and Chris were still toying around with multiple half-baked ideas with no cohesive theme. In Miami, HALfiger was taking Princess on a shopping spree in his namesake store. Outside my house, the flood had not yet flashed but the severe thunderstorm was raging. Oh my, such excitement!

In the hangar, Team Blue was being guided by Jess – not graphic artist Chris or painter Rob, but empty-headed beauty queen Jess. “Let’s paint the bottom of the plane red! That’s sexy!” The two oafs on her team went along with this odd theory and set to work painting the red rocket. Meanwhile, Felix had begun to outline and tape the aggressive graffiti tagging he would be spearheading for Team Orange. At the same time, Shauna (Asian name: Kun Tee Ho) and Elizabeth were both hacking up their lungs at the loft. This afforded them the chance to bond. Considering their mutual uppity disdain for the other “uneducated” and lowly contestants, I’m surprised this didn’t happen earlier. Lost in their gabfest was the fact that they were both more worldly and well-traveled because they’re both much older than the rest. I was hoping Elizabeth would ask Shauna (rap name: MC Pasty) what, exactly, was the cause of her rotted-out mouth, but she didn’t come through for me.

As Felix did the yeoman’s work on the plane, Deanna and Wes rolled around on office chairs. Seeing as though neither has ever had a real job, I guess the novelty of office furniture outweighed their obligation to the task. With Felix slaving away in front of them, Deanna remarked to Wes, “It looks really good from here. And the plane does too!” This cutesy yet weak attempt at humor was greeted with a guffaw from Wes usually reserved for jokes that are actually creative and funny. Felix pretended not to notice and proceeded to kick ass on the painting. Concurrently, Team Blue proceeded to suck ass on their painting. After a couple hours of work, Jess decided that perhaps the red wasn’t so sexy after all and they began washing off all their hard labor. Team Orange (essentially Felix) was halfway complete whereas Team Blue was back to square one. It wasn’t looking good for the Oranginas. So Chris called up some of his friends and “hired” them for free. Sure, Felix had also requested the services of a professional caricature artist, but a whole team of pros hardly seemed fair. To ease the tension, they openly wondered what Princess was up to at that moment: “What do you think Princess is doing?”

“Reciting erotic poetry. On some guy.” OK Wes, now that was funny. No, she wasn’t making that same mistake again (or it was edited out), but she was making the rounds at the yacht party. Bragging that she was a personal friend of “Mr. H” and wearing the latest from “H,” Princess was still being annoying. Gee, I wonder what fashion insiders and high-placed friends were at the party… P. Diddy? Paris Hilton? The ‘Sex in the City’ cast? Nope, not even the ‘Amish in the City’ cast. However, since that show was on UPN, which is owned by Viacom, that wouldn’t have been a big stretch. Why? Because as many of you have read recently, apparently Viacom loans out its contracted reality whores to its other reality shows. Big Brother’s current “gay guy” Beau was there, chatting it up on a nearby bench as Princess gabbed nearby. The same Beau who was also on Viacom-owned MTV’s ‘Made’ on the same night this week! (Viacom has done this before – two-time Survivor, one-time Amazing Racer, one-time TV groomsman was also the “Playa Operator” on UPN’s ‘The Player.’ I’m not suggesting any conspiracy here, but it is interesting to note that one can more or less make a living at this type of thing. Oh yeah, of course Beau was a useless and boring background prop on ‘The Cut’ just like he is on Big Brother.

In New York (err, Teterboro), Team Orange’s hired gun produced a goofy cartoon caricature of HALfiger. It was ugly and borderline insulting – and huge. I loved it! Their plane was reaching completion and was a hodgepodge of graffiti tagging, “flying bricks,” the funny caricature, and a “TH” logo on the tail. The professionals hired by Team Blue also finished their work which now a not-so-sexy black bottomed plane with a big “Tommy Hilfiger” on the side complemented by Rob’s sloppy painting technique. Their tail piece contained four stupid symbols that looked exactly like Microsoft Clip Art. In fact, I’d bet that’s exactly what it was – some “professionals” you’ve got there, Chris.

HALfiger arrived and took in the scene. He had to be impressed by the sheer scope of their projects (they did, after all, paint entire planes in two days) but he kept his opinions to himself. It was at Style Forum that he let his feelings known. He hated the black bottomed plane. He hated the funny caricature (gee, there’s a surprise). The Clip Art tail and the flying bricks were “juvenile.” HALfiger made it clear that he hated both planes and was very disappointed; however, he judged Team Orange’s plane (Felix’s baby) the winner. He also noted that Princess “did really well” on her trip. Yes, dear Princess performed well ON VACATION…at A PARTY. As impressive as this was, Shauna (Scientific name: Homo Grayteethicus) and Elizabeth’s illness strategy seemed to work very well for them too, as that wasn’t even mentioned at Style Forum. Ultimately, it came down to Rob and Jess as HALfiger hated Jess’s black paint idea and was finally getting tired of Rob’s boring singular style.

Blah, blah, blah, “Jessica, please take the runway. You’re out of style.” It was then I realized that no flash flood swept me away to save me from “The Cut.” I make no secret that I think this show sucks, which seems to upset a few readers. So I include this breaking CBS news bulletin below for two reasons: one, to alert you Cut fans to the scheduling change and two, to show you that CBS knows it sucks too.

[Update: CBS PROGRAM ADVISORY…

On Wednesdays, CBS will broadcast repeats of STILL STANDING in the 8:00-8:30 PM, ET/PT time period and YES, DEAR at 8:30-9:00 PM, ET/PT beginning August 3.]