The “Perfect Metaphor Episode”

Have I lured you in with my deliciously cryptic title? (Because I damn well know the majority of you didn’t actually watch last Friday’s show.) I have to admit, I’m a little behind in my recaps because, well, I’m human and took a little break from reality TV in deference to watching the news channels. One of these days, a horrible natural disaster will impact a reality show (Survivor: Tsunami or Real World: Key West) and I’ll be interested to see how it plays out on TV. I’m disgusted that Big Brother hasn’t (apparently) told the hamsters about Katrina. To watch Ivette and April kvetch and bitch about the rigors of their Big Brother lives just doesn’t sit well with me these days. But enough proselytizing from me – that’s not why you come to this site. You’re reading this because you just can’t stand the suspense of The Cut and just need to know who the final three are for the finale Wednesday night. That’s right, CBS has moved The Cut again (not to mention the multiple times it’s been pre-empted regionally for NFL preseason games) and the finale has very likely already aired by the time you’re reading this. Funny thing is, you don’t give a shit.

I feel good writing this recap… I mean, there’s only ONE MORE EPISODE and it’s TONIGHT and then I’m done with Tommy Freaking Hilfiger and his robotic speech, boring stories, and simian visage. I’m done with the show that has only confused, befuddled, and angered me as a sentient adult. Yes! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I’ll admit, there were two or three decent challenges sprinkled throughout the long, nearly impossible to follow season – and a bunch of the cast were pretty interesting people. But with the inane social challenges that meant absolutely nothing (Princess, yes Princess is still in the hunt and if you’ll recall her early “social challenges” consisted of her writhing like the drunken thrice divorced secretary at the company Christmas party doing her Michelle Pfeiffer impression from the “Fabulous Baker Boys” while reciting a poem that closely resembled a 2 Live Crew song…) and the challenges that had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with fashion DEE-sign, well, then you’ll understand my joy now that we’re at the end. But, we have the little matter of the penultimate episode to deal with – and it was a doozy.The show opened, as it (and The Apprentice) always does, at the SoHo loft immediately following the latest “cut.” HALfiger angrily dumped Wes and Deanna last week – y’know, the two people who actually DEE-sign clothes (sort of) for a living and the remaining cast was understandably stunned. Liz admitted to nearly vomiting while in the Pit – if only! Ghetto-but-not-really-Ghetto (because how could he actually afford all that HALfiger gear) Chris was emotional but thankful for just making it this far. Y’know, I think I actually like Chris – despite his corny never-ending supply of HALfiger hats. Princess was emotionally drained and joined Chris outside to engage in a reenactment of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” with her makeshift poncho and cigarillo. I guess when you’re a Princess, cigarettes are too pedestrian.

The next day, the four Cutters made their way out to yet another exotic locale: The port of Bayonne, New Jersey. Nothing like the dulcet sounds of groaning cranes on a dreary winter’s day at a New Jersey shipping port. Ahhhh, reality TV, take me away! For some reason Felix showed up with his skateboard – perhaps in case HALfiger again tasked them with schlepping 5 miles for no reason in particular. As it turned out, they would be making a trek, just not on foot this week. They’d be making the 2 hour trip to Staten Island on a garbage scow. Yes, like Jean Paul Gautier and Donna Karan before them, they’d be riding a garbage barge scavenging for fabric, and avoiding pestilence. Only a few days after Liz picked through a razed crack den in the Bronx looking for wearable shoes, she and the others would be combing a gigantic pile of trash looking for fabric. I can’t stress enough how stupid this show is.

The editors of The Cut assuredly read this blog because they chopped out HALfiger’s boring explanation of how this challenge somehow relates to his youthful fashionista wanderings. Thank you, editors – I’m not sure how many more of his stories I can take. Stephen Hawking exudes more personality in his voice. HALfiger did explain that the Cutters would have to “improvise, modify, adapt, and overcome. Make something beautiful from nothing. There will be NO excuses this week and NO teams. You will be tested on your resourcefulness and DEE-sire.” Each person would have 2 hours on the scow to scavenge, 48 hours to DEE-sign, $500 to use on seamstress help, and an Elite Model of their choosing with which to show their creation. In addition, the final four would also be joining HALfiger and his family for dinner at his estate. After all that, he failed to mention that the free clinic would be open for tetanus, hantavirus, and botulism vaccines only from 8-12 the following day.

The four immediately set to work on the barge, flitting about like homeless people in a… Well, in a competition to scour a bunch of crap for wearable items. You’d think ghetto Chris would have a distinct advantage but it was Princess who first spoke out, “I’m feeling very confident. I have a vision and I’m ‘feeling it’.” She then lit the burnt end of her cigarillo and in the distance there was the distinct “whoo OOO OOOO OOO oooohhhh” whistle of the Mexican desert. She was also feeling sick, as sea-sickness hit her hard. Chris gathered up some red silk and made plans for a dress of some sort. Liz excitedly tore at an ugly couch and acted as though she knew what she was going to do with it. Felix also tore apart some old crusty furniture but again was visibly upset at the ridiculous nature of the challenge. In the end, his OCD nature took over as he began sorting and cleaning the barge. “I’m Hector Protector the Garbage Collector,” he exclaimed. Just then Chester NineWester the Designer Molester appeared from beneath a pile of rancid meat, knocked out Felix with a cow femur, bent him over a pile of fish guts, and took him against his will.

Felix: the Unadesigner

After their trash adventure, the gang cleaned up and prepared to go to dinner at the HALfiger estate. “I have nothing to wear,” whined Liz. She was also nervous because she’d never before had alone time with the man. I have to ask, how in the world would anyone be nervous to hang out with someone so incredibly boring? I’d only be nervous that I’d fall asleep face first in my vichyssoise as a result of HALfiger’s droning attempts at conversation. While at the door, Felix made a little funny to break the tension by saying, “Hi, we were just in the neighborhood…” The gang chuckled through their chattering teeth until HALfiger answered the door only to have Liz say, “Hi, we were just in the neighborhood.” If Liz were a guy and HALfiger were a young girl, Felix would have rightly called Liz a cockblocker. In this case, he just glared his intense glare and let it go. Once inside, we learned that the HALfiger family is a Benetton advertisement. There was everyone’s favorite spoiled little JAP Allie of “Rich Girls” fame. And there was son Richard who has some flavor to him. Then there was some random black kid in the background. Then another. As HALfiger introduced his embalmed looking girlfriend Lizzie, several multi-ethnic kids scampered in the background. It was all very nice and very strange at the same time, and since I know nothing of the HALfiger personal life story, I can’t even speculate as to what was going on in that scene. (I do have a friend, however, who knows several intimate details about his life and will be asking her to post a comment to shed some light on these goings on.)

The morning after the ennui-athon at dinner, each Cutter sought their Elite models. Princess scored some odd young woman named Sunna who I decided must be the Retin-A “before” spokesmodel. Hey, a model is a model. Not only was her skin bad, her walk was worse. She stomped rather than walked – and obviously hadn’t ever met ANTM’s Miss J. Chris again put his kind heart on display by taking his chosen model, Kenza, out for some Grande Latte Half Half decaf Mochachinos. What a guy, he just wanted to get to know his model before dressing her in garbage. I mean, he wasn’t hitting on her at all. Nope, just getting to know her. After Felix got his male model and Liz scored her girl, the two of them secured the services of Pat, the wonder-seamstress. Along with Pat, the two convinced a bevy of pattern makers and seamstresses to join in the fun. Who knew 500 bucks went so far in NYC sewing circles? Unfortunately for Princess, her peace and quiet was ruined by the influx of people to the DEE-sign loft. She claimed to be “On fire” as a result of Liz hiring a small army to put together her vision. She claimed that the situation would force her to give a whopping 210% effort in order to knock HALfiger’s socks off. Now, I wasn’t sure where she was going to get that extra 120%, but I’ll give her credit for taking a reality TV cliché and making it 210% more retarded.

As the challenge wound down, it was evident that Felix was churning out the gayest Boy Scout uniform ever. Not only that, he had crafted some wooden flip-flops with no bendability. I was eager to see his model “work” that look. The seamstresses were getting nervous and the Cutters were hurrying them and the clock was ticking and sweat was flying and, and, and. Ok, it wasn’t really all that exciting but Princess made sure to pretend it was in explaining her outfit thusly: “It’s sexy chic with a twist, baby, ok?” No, Princess, that’s not “ok.” In fact, baby, your explanation means nothing – just like everything else that comes out of your mouth. Enough about her, it was Style Forum time! Time for models to wear a bunch of trash!

HALfiger addressed his troops and asked the first burning question: “How did you like coming out to my house?” I would have loved it if Crazy Jeff were still in the hunt to ask, “It was great, but who were all those black kids running around?” As it was, everyone smiled and politely kissed the DEE-signer’s ass. Before seeing their work, HALfiger asked each person who didn’t belong in the final three. Chris and Princess both choose Liz and Liz chooses Princess, calling her stylings “narrow.” Princess defended herself bragging about her pattern making and sewing skills to which HALfiger replied, “Princess, I don’t need those skills. I have a building full of technicians to do that.” He forgot to say, “And I only have to pay them 3 cents an hour and even though I don’t understand a word of their gibberish language, they also give me a mean pedicure!”

Felix’s male model was first and boy, he looked stupid. Wearing the latest in my grandmother’s old plaid living room chair, his guy looked like, um, garbage. Princess’s girl stomped out, ripped off some ugly skirt thing, and posed. Chris’s girl looked pretty damn good – if a little trashy. Liz’s girl also looked good in her old couch dress and white girl afro puffs. HALfiger looked them all over and declared, “I’m going to bring all of you into The Pit, except Liz… She won. Elizabeth, you are on fire!” He accentuated this statement with a very stilted looking fist punch, kind of like a little hand puppet with the sticks that move the arms look like. His technicians will need to work out that glitch before the finale. HALfiger gave Chris a pass and then moved on to blast Princess and Felix’s work. Princess had terrible presentation and her clothes were impractical. Felix’s outfit was certainly not “beautiful” as he’d demanded. He even went so far as to ask the female models if they’d let their boyfriends wear that particular piece of garbage outfit. They all said no, of course, and Felix was “Out of style.”

For one of the first times all year, the exit interview was pretty good as Felix was “stupefied.” He claimed that Princess’s dress was horrible and stated that it looked like a “transvestite rap artist that wants to dress like a hooker.” Oh, snap. Too bad his outfit looked like a gay Boy Scout trying to camouflage himself on one of those KMart nylon and aluminum lawn chairs from 1978. With cedar shake shingles on his feet like Heihachi from Tekken.

Heihachi was dope though.