The Hills: A Wolf In Leelee Sobieski’s Clothing

“Note to self: destroy guidance counselor.”

Tonight brought us a special bonus dose of our bevy of beauties. We open at FIDM, where – wait, what? LC’s still in school?! She hasn’t been there in at least two seasons! I call bullshit. Sure enough, the teacher reads the roster in a heavy Bahstin accent and who shows up late to her first day but… wait for it… I’m sure you’ve seen the previews but wait for it…

“Wait, I’M in school now?!”

Who knew that she was a fashion student as well? What a small, contrived world we live in!

After opening credits we join Ms. Whitney in bright, shiny New York City, where she’s all ready to rock her new job and take over the styling world! She enters the NYC headquarters of People’s Revolution (henceforth to be known as PR, since that’s really what it is) and looks unable to contain her excitement, wearing that trying-not-to-smile smile. Stefanie, a pallid young lady with dark circles beneath her eyes, wearily tells her to take a seat. This should be your first clue that this will be the job from hell.

“Yeah, I sold my blush to the devil too.”

“Fuck! This Scrabble game is killing me!”

Kelly Cutrone is already yelling at poor Stefanie, barking orders at her in the background as Whitney’s eyes widen. “Where’s Whitney? Is she here yet? What is she doing, just standing around?” Cutrone snaps. Whoa. She makes Lisa Love look like… well, Whitney. She explains that she’s reallyreallybusy and she needs to make this fast. Too bad Whitney speaks like a kindergartener reading aloud. She tosses the PR Bible at Whit but says there’s no time to learn it! Never any time! I expect her to break out into a Jessie Spano-inspired tearful rendition of “I’m So Excited” at any moment. Instead, she informs our Blondie that everyone wears black. This is the death of your social life, Whitney, and every day is the funeral. And now we all have less color to look forward to in the show. Kelly Cutthroat inquires about Whitney’s commitment. “Whatever it takes, of cour-” Kelly cuts her off and whisks her away to meet the designers she’ll be working with.

“Shit, I gotta go shopping.”

The Sass & Bide chicks are chillin’ in a room filled with racks of clothing. One of them, named Heidi, is clad in a large white shirt that looks like a giant goose sneezed on her. Let’s see here… Stefanie and Heidi? I’m sending the writers of this show a baby-name book for Christmas. If you’re gonna invent characters for us, at least give them different names. I hope, for this recapper’s sake, that Stephanie, Stefanie, Heidi and Heidi never appear in the same scene at the same time. The universe just might implode.

Back in an L.A. design class full of extras, the professor is yammering on about computers while the girls text message and restructure their hair. At a café, presumably on the same day, Heidi is raving about her newfound closet space. Glad to see she’s gotten over that whole heartbreak thing. She receives a text from Stephanie. “Ohhhh… myGod,” she says to Kimberly, who’s making come-hither straw sucks toward a guy at an adjacent table. They’re both dumbfounded by the news, either of Stephanie and LC’s shared class or that Stephanie is in school at all. Heidi instructs Stephanie to go say hi (and perhaps give Lauren a nice big bitch-slap for her). Back in class, Stephanie puts on her best “tortured” face and switches roles with LC, playing with her choppy bangs while LC texts Blahdrina the same message. Teachers of America, rejoice. This is the fruit of your toils.

OMG, did u no Stph Pratts in schll? OMG ok ttyl lol!

Stop the presses. Exactly HOW did a good song make it onto this show??

In New York, models for Sass & Bide are trying on silly metallic couture while the blonde quartet of designers and Whitney convene and discuss.

“Who else here hates redheads?”

They seem to be worried about the level of tightitude on the leather (yes, leather) pants on the model. Really? They’re worried about revealing clothes? Come on, this is fashion, dahlings! The tight-asser the better.

What they should really be worried about is that headband.

Luckily, Whitney and her Teen Vogue-honed skills are on an advising basis already, and she professes that she would totally wear the pants. In six months she’ll probably fall for the headband too. Actually, she gives some solid advice to the designers about variety and they take it. Whitney smiles in the corner like a little kid who just earned a gold star in science class.

“I so knew it was igneous rock!”

Blahdrina arrives home to see LC chowing down on some Doritos before watching “Dirty Dancing: The E! True Hollywood Story.” LC stops everything to look at Blahdrina expectantly. “Ah, I’m soooo tired,” Blah complains. LC throws her hands up in the air, all, “HELLOOO! What about me here!” They recount the minor drama of the day and Blahdrina remarks, “How random!” Yeah, totes random. I mean, I know that I for one can’t believe that these two would have a class together. And that cameras would be there to catch it all. However, Blahdrina seems to delight in this news. “What a great way to start your day!” she exclaims, supposedly sarcastic but I get the distinct feeling that she’s filled with glee at LC’s horror. She, after all, is the one who called Lauren IN PARIS to break the Brody-girlfriend news.

It’s a blast from the past as we see Lauren strolling down the school halls actually carrying books and looking pensive. Are we back in Laguna again?

“God, what if I see Stephen and Kristen and they’re kissing right in front of me?!”

As she enters her classroom, Stephanie (surrounded by empty seats) nods and smiles to no one in particular. The only color in this whole scene is a bright pink brochure sitting beside Stephanie. If this were honest fiction, all of the film students at NYU would be discussing how the art director’s lack of color represents the empty, meaningless existence of the characters. However, this is just L.A., and reality’s art directors are called style consultants.

I’d say it probably represents private tutor sessions available.

Anyway. Back to the lecture at hand. Lauren tries to ignore Stephanie, but unfortunately Miss Shinyface feels the need to approach her and, you know, apologize for going all psycho on her that one time. Sure you’re sorry… now that you have to see each other every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. “He’s a jerk,” says the girl who is blood-related to and living with said jerk. “If anyone knows, I know.” Well. This is an odd development. Spencer didn’t even tell her to come over and yell at Lauren at that club. That was straight-up drunk bitchness. How did Stephanie go from supportive sister to leader of the Anti-Spence Coalition?

At the Sass & Bide fashion show, Kelly Cutthroat is being photographed beside Nicky Hilton. Ooohhh, the esteem this will surely bring her business! Whitney’s outfitted in a fancy headset and is calling orders to the models. You know… why don’t they ever have one huge Reality Fashion Show? Get the “Project Runway” winner to design it, the bitches from “America’s Next Top Model” and “Make Me A Supermodel” to walk, the weirdos from “Blow Out” to do hair, the winner of “Top Design” to create the runway, and our little Whitney to run the whole damn thing. I guess nobody from “Top Chef” would be needed.

During the flurry of activity that is a fashion show, Whitney lets a couple of the models (donning what I like to call “Bobblehead Court Jester Chic”) get out of order. Egad! Doesn’t she realize the importance of this matter? That’s as big of a fuckup as, say, if the editor of this show put a scene with Spencer and no facial hair between two scenes of him WITH facial hair! Oh wait, that’s already happened.

“Yo, I’m here to entertain the king!”

It’s a good thing that Whitney voted for the keeping of the leather pants, because they’re a big hit and Kelly Cutthroat gives everyone a round of high-fives on a job well done. “Alright, bitches!!” she cheers. She lets Whitney know that with this awesome task performed (with only that one fuckup), she will be getting a lot more responsibility back in L.A.

“Wait, do the kids still do this?”

Heidi Homemaker is reclaiming her personal space by painting (yet again) the famous Hollywood wall a lovely shade of pea-soup green, with the help of everyone’s new BFF Stephanie. “This is the color I had when I lived with… HER,” Heidi said. Speaking of the devil incarnate, the two get to talking about what it’s like to share a class with LC. I imagine it’s similar to sharing a class with the most popular girl in school – everyone stares at her and ignores the teacher. Wait, WHY is Stephanie even hanging out with Heidi? Shouldn’t she be out supportively doing blow with her brother somewhere? Methinks this girl is playing both sides of both enemies. And that whoever represents her should get Publicist of the Year. Anyway, Heidi jokes that Stephanie & LC should become friends, prompting Steph to confess that she did apologize, giving her the “I had no other choice in life” look.

“I mean, it was this or get kicked off the show, so… yeah.”

Later, Kimberly relishes in her new role as minor character as she and Heidi walk down the street in heels so high they would make the “ANTM” girls topple. Heidi doesn’t understand why LC can be friends with Stephanie but not her. Well, it’s probably because Stephanie never ditched her to voluntarily date a douchebag. They agree that whatever happens, Spencer is NOT going to be happy about it. At the Pratt compound, Spencer patiently waits in “Sleep Mode” for his sister to come home for some good old-fashioned sibling rivalry.

Flying Toasters

He theorizes to her that his “relationship vacation” has turned into an end. Frankly, if you call it a vacation it should be the end. Stephanie says that she’s sick of choosing sides and Spencer points out that she’s not on his side. True dat… it’s the first honest thing he’s said in two seasons. Stephanie is only on one side, and that’s her own.

“You’re so immature,” Stephanie says with a serene, evil smile. “You’re so lame. You’re so homeless and so lame.” Wow. Her compassion astounds! “You’re a real candidate for Heidi. Pretty Heidi… LOSER Spencer,” she sneers while eating a French fry.

You guys… Stephanie is PURE EVIL. I always just thought she was annoying, possibly incestuous with Spencer and had a really out-of-control T-Zone, but as it turns out, her manipulative side runs just as deep as Spencer’s. Proving such, she launches from insult to sympathy, baiting Spencer to tell her his feelings by promising to tell him what Heidi thinks of him. “I’m always here for you,” she says quietly (and very creepily). “Because, number one, I’m always your sister.”

“Now get your hot stallion self over here so I can stab you in the back!”

At Fit’Em the next day, the circle is complete when Lauren and Steph go out to lunch together. This will all surely end well. Apparently, the headband craze has reached Los Angeles already, as Stephanie is rocking the Pocahontas-in-the-’80s look.

“… and then I totally saved, like, John Smith’s LIFE. It was so hot.”

She triumphs in the fact that she’s just quit smoking, but laments that she’s still a slave to the tanning bed. My question is why does she need a tanning bed when she has the goddamn SUN above her 365 days of the year, destroying us all polar ice cap by polar ice cap? Everyone knows that gives you the most even bronze. She claims that she lives alone, and LC says, “I thought you live with your brother?” “Uhhh… try to forget about that,” Steph says. She goes on to complain about how annoying he is and how she dreads coming home at night, the fact that it’s either Heidi and Spencer’s word or nothing. You know… I had a friend like this once. They take the truth and skew it, just a bit, just enough so that your imagination will do the real work. Everything you like, they suddenly like. Stephanie’s a personality shape-shifter! Even caught in a lie, they make it seem like you’re the crazy one. Stephanie is simultaneously feeding LC’s hatred of Spencer while gaining her trust. Genius move! She should really play chess.

As the two girls laugh about how they must keep their new friendship clandestine, I wonder exactly what kind of parents the Pratts must have to produce two deftly manipulative social freaks. I’m moving “Princes Of Malibu” up on my Netflix queue. See you on the boards!