The Hills: An Open Letter To Blahdrina

Dear Blahdrina,
I know that, in today’s world, it’s hard for a woman to have it all – a career, friends, and a boyfriend who showers at least once a month and doesn’t cheat on you. But seriously, can you at least TRY to make it seem like you’re not being such a weak buffoon on national television? If not for me, then at least for the sake of your future homeless children. The whole world doesn’t have to know that their mother’s a moron. That’s what the Spears family is for. XOXOSnapp
So this week’s episode opens at Epic, where Chiara is breaking the news to Blahdrina that they’ll have to be in the studio with Brandy later that week. Horrors! You know, last weekend a friend and I were comparing the dynamics between all of the “Hills” characters (it was a very deep discussion) and we decided that Chiara is probably the smartest person on this show. Maybe in all of Los Angeles. She always seems to talk to Blahdrina like a hipster kindergarten teacher might, normal and a little wry but with a gentle tinge of condescension. Which takes a lot more restraint than I would have. I’d probably be more like this:

“Huhhhh?”

That’s confusion, terror and fascination, FYI. A nice monkey WTF, if you will. Anyway, Blah says she’s excited to be in the studio, because there she can just zone out and forget everything that’s been giving her herpes lately. “Cabo was that bad, huh?” Chiara asks. Blahdrina responds that Pigpen spent the weekend torturing her, and I wonder why in the world MTV would cut out the waterboarding scene? Give the viewers what they want! Chiara reminds Blah that Pigpen isn’t really interested in her unless it’s a game. (duh of the week, by the way. Congratulations to Cindy from Akron, Ohio – you’ve won a gift certificate to Applebee’s for calling that one in.) Blahdrina surmises that she probably shouldn’t jump from relationship to relationship, which makes Chiara dryly congratulate her on finally growing up. For your subtle disdain, Chiara, I salute you.

“Maybe we should get you started on that finger painting.”

After the commercial break, we reemerge in a fabric store and I wonder if my remote accidentally switched over to a Bravo marathon of “Project Runway.”

Where’s Andre?

Naw naw, it’s just the store our fashion gals must peruse as they pretend to work on a project for “school.” I wonder how annoying it must be to go to fashion school when one has already released a line of horrendously boring clothing? It’s probably akin to taking Italian 101 when you’ve already seen all of the “Godfather” movies. You only know random shit like “cannoli” and “vaffanculo.”

Anyway, the girls gab about the Cabo trip (ha ha, I like that Stephanie assures LC that she “didn’t miss much” while she was gone… as if the world keeps turning while she’s away!) and Steph challenges the veracity of LC’s allegations of “shipments of girls” being flown in for the suckage of Brody’s balls. “Why would Doug do that??” Stephanie despairs. “Umm, because boys like girls?” LC gently reminds her.

And sometimes boys just like boys. And that’s okay.

Stephanie brings up her new boy toy Cameron, and when she tells LC they’re officially “together,” LC makes her classic “Oh my God I’m so sorry you’re happy” look: her entire face falls the same way it might if you told her a bunch of puppies and kittens had just been thrown overboard a Carnival Cruise ship, then it softens into a wee smile as though you’d ended the story with, “… but it was okay because a rainbow of love caught them before they drowned.”

Stephanie tells LC, just as she’d told the Aryan lovers, that it’s official because they’d had “The Talk.” That’s right, capital T, capital T. LC is all atwitter and I wonder, if this is such a big deal, why didn’t WE get to see T.T.? Is it because T.T. may also be known as “salary negotiations” and involved a contract or two? Furthermore, if a dude is hired as a “love interest” to someone on the show, does that make him a whore? Or does that make the girl a whore? Or does that make both of them whores?

No comment from The Experts.

LC invites Steph and her boy out to a club, but warns that Broday will be there. Uh oh! Steph remarks that Cameron had better stand up for her against Broday “because, yeah, he DID make me cry,” and I wonder exactly how many times they’re going to bring that up? As if making a chick cry on this show were some feat of intellectual strength or bottomless insensitivity? If it were, the world may be viewing Jason Wahler in a different light. The girls decide to leave, but first Stephanie expresses her distaste for LC’s “really bright” material. “Huh, let’s get some, like, plaids or something,” she suggests.

Yeah, that should tone it down.

That explains a lot about Stephanie. Later, LC swings her new hair extensions around as she serves Broday a cool beverage beside the pool and informs him that she’d invited Stephanie out later that night. He responds with the appropriate amount of huffy-puffy displeasure, ignoring LC’s insistence that Steph’s “in a really really good relationship right now,” as though that takes the crazy out of the cat. He reiterates that she’s not the kind of person he likes to surround himself with, but with all of the vitriol he spews every week about her and talking behind her back, I wonder if HE’S the kind of person he likes to surround himself with? I’m kind of tired of this unexplained hatred of her, which surpasses even his hatred for Spencer, and I’m wondering if it’s all for show or whether he saw her kill a man and eat his penis or something.

“Oh, penis. I remember it well.”

My guess, for the record, is that he and Steph had a torrid love affair (can’t you just see it?) but it ended badly. Perhaps with someone trying to kill another someone and eat his penis. Now that would be cause for concern. In other news, Blahdrina and Blahstralia go out that night and ‘Drina swoons about how nice it is to be hanging out. As opposed to what, tilling the fields? ‘Stralia agrees.

Translation: WHO HAVE YOU BEEN FUCKING?

Speaking of fucking, ‘Drina talks about how nice Cabo was, and tells ‘Stralia she was there with Pigpen, the conversation dotted with many an awkward silence. DUDE. Stop telling your current dude about your old dude, dude! Who raised you, anyway?

Um, a pack of really pretty wolves?

She tries to insist that they’re just friends, but she’s really not doing a good job of easing the fears of a man trying to win her heart, or what remains of it. Meanwhile, at Crown Bar, Stephanie has arrived with her man, Sam “Angry Birthmark” Rockwell, known to you folk as Cameron. Huh, let’s think about this man as a potential mate for our girl Steph. He looks like a B-list celeb (much in the same way she can change her look from Courtney Love to Tina Yothers with one outfit), he’s kind of aggressive and a massive poser when it comes to dressing like a rock star. He seems like a perfect match!

Except that he looked directly at the camera. Or at least his left eye did.

He promises to defend her in front of the evil Brode. Steph tries her hand at the LC “OMG So sad you’re happy” pout, but doesn’t quite pull it off. See, this is why it’s her show, not yours, Blue Eyeshadow.

LC, Lo and a mystery man (not blonde afro, I’m afraid) arrive, and LC compliments the new lovers on their ability to remain attractive in each others’ presence.

“L C L, C.”

Cameron rolls his eyes and kind of makes a face at LC. Guess he doesn’t respond well to the “cute” factor. He mentions that he really hopes that Brody will be stopping by, and wants him “to just see me and just be, like, I hate you.” It’s always good when someone on the show actually WANTS drama. Most people just suffer through it looking uncomfortable, but this guy is ready for some fisticuffs. Who knows, he and Steph may become the new Heidi and Spencer.

Okay, pause here, I just want to point something out. Did you ever see that episode of “Seinfeld” with the Two-Face Woman? In certain lights she’s gorgeous, but in others she’s hideous? Stephanie is that woman, but with weight. From one angle she looks as trim as Lo, and from another she… doesn’t.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B. Fascinating, isn’t it?

Anyway, Brody arrives and all is peaceful at the table, which clearly displeases Ms. Pratt. She eggs Cameron on to get him to talk to Brody, but why can’t she just let things lie? She’s just proving Brody’s “crazy bitch” hypothesis. Brody, meanwhile, is interrupting LC’s “kewwwt” tangent by observing that he thought it looked like Angry Birthmark had something to say to him, but oh well nevermind. Looks like he chickened out. I guess this means Camewrong was out-cuted by the effervescent adorability of one Brody Jenner. Better luck next time, kiddo.

“My boyfriend’s a pussy. Guess it’s back to the drawing board.”

Across town, Chiara is babysitting Blahdrina at a recording session with Moesha! If this were fifteen years ago I would totally care!

Did NOT drive to this session.

While she’s melisma-ing her way through a generic pop ballad, Blahdrina whines to Chiara about how nice Blahstralia is, but that her heart’s just not in it. Chiara fights to not roll her eyes, and she’s probably thinking the same thing we all are: Maybe it’s because he’s not making you feel like a dollop of shit and then sprinkling sugar on you every once in awhile to smell sweeter. (an elegant metaphor, I know.) I could see how that would get boring.

Just then, Pigpen texts Blah to let her know he’s outside and wants to talk. “Interesting…” Chiara sighs, and if by “interesting” she means “rude and annoying and a very bad idea,” I totally agree with her. Chiara attempts to sear a thought into Blahdrina’s tiny pea brain by staring holes into her skull, but to no avail. Blahdrina leaves the session to go kick it with Home(less)boy on his Hog outside.

I guess Claire’s was having a sale on glitter helmets?

Okay, so it’s one of “those talks,” so I’m just gonna break it down for you. Pig says that he’s “been thinking.” (That’s a good first step!) He says that, in Cabo, he “didn’t wanna be That Guy” (although I’m preeeeetty sure he did, since he told her he wanted to be That Guy the week before in the pool o’ STDs). Blahdrina, Queen of the Bad Poker Face, tells him that she is trying to like another guy but she still likes “someone else” (what is this, second grade?). Pig says that they have “something special.” I press pause and go vomit for a sec. I return and Pig theorizes that, in his opinion, “to be in a relationship, you kinda have to be, like, together.” Egad, wherever does he get these wild ideas?! Here is where I’m pulling for Blahdrina to at least fake having a backbone for two seconds and LAY DOWN THE LAW. He wants you! Just tell him what you are and aren’t willing to accept! Jesus! Just do it! He says that “90%” of his time with her is good, that when he thinks of her “it’s almost always good” and that he’ll “pretty much” always be there for her. I do not use quotation marks lightly. Evidently this pseudo-declaration of maybe-like-like is enough to sate Blahdrina, who runs into his arms. They are back together. I hate this show.

“Let’s go get some nachos and celebrate.”

At Epic the next day, Chiara suffers through hearing Blah justify her renewed relationship because he “said all the right things.” Like what? “I kinda like you?” Damn, girl is easy to please. I’m surprised she didn’t fall for Spencer all those many seasons ago. Chiara, who must be bursting with frustration (is it safe to say she represents us all? At least when her hair is combed?), slowly but firmly tells Blahdrina all of the logical things we’ve been saying all along – he only wants what he can’t have, he wants you wrapped around his finger, he’s totally disgusting. Okay, so maybe she didn’t say that last one out loud, but you know she was thinking it every time she bites her lower lip – which is about every eight seconds.

She even raises her voice a few times to Blahdrina, urging her not to make the same mistake she keeps fucking. Blahdrina is not pleased.

*sigh* “What-EVER, Mother.”

Some other day, Steph waits for the Aryan lovers at a restaurant, but does NOT order food. Good manners, dear.

Note to Steph: Save the muumuu for when you’re pregnant with Brody’s baby.

The Lovers arrive and are unusually peppy this morning for brunch. Either they’re dipping into the dimebag a little early or somebody got some morning sex! Either way, I’m shuddering and moving on to the next mental image.

“A fresh spray-tan, highlights and facial pubes, oh my!”

Steph notes that Camewrong decided not to come this morning because he didn’t feel like being verbally assaulted before noon. “Well that’s RUDE!” huffs Heidi, Princess Of Etiquette, and incidentally also the Ouster of Sisters. Spencer correctly guesses that when the time came to stand up to Broday, Cam pussied out. “But… he wanted to…” Stephanie attempts unconvincingly. Spencer reminds her that Brody is, in fact, a person who has made her cry. Were you guys aware of this? I, for one, am shocked.

Hey, remember that time I told you guys that Blahstralia would never last because he’s too cute? Well, he just gave Blahdrina a mini-koala bear.

Sayonara, Sexyboy.

“Awww, I’m gonna keep this forever,” she coos, conveniently forgetting to add, “… unlike you.” She asks when he’s planning on going back Down Under, and she doesn’t mean beneath her skirt. He tells her he’s leaving for the winter, calls Christmas “Chrissy” and then invites her to go with him for a few months. Hell, I’m on board. But I know that if ‘Drina were smart enough to stay with him, we wouldn’t have a show at all. (Then again, how smart could he be if he really likes her?)

‘Drina goes from saying she can’t promise anything to complaining that their schedules are too different to concluding that things aren’t working out. Well, there’s a hop, skip and a breakup. ‘Stralia looks down and sighs the worst “yeeaahhhhh” of all Reality TV time. ‘Drina tries to blame the breakup on everything moving too fast, until ‘Stralia calls her out on the Pigpen thing and she’s forced to ‘fess up. “I want you to be part of my life, but right now someone else has my heart,” she says, and I wonder if Lou Pearlman wrote her lines for this breakup. He gives her one last puppy dog look and then the Alanis Morrissette song kicks in. Hey, who knew Alanis Morrissette was still around? This episode is like 1995 all over again.

In conclusion, Blahdrina is SUCH A JERKFACE. I know some people just want drama in their lives, are attracted to bad boys or whatever, but that’s ridiculous! She annoys the hell out of me because she knows she shouldn’t do it, and she just wimps out at the first sign of Pigpen’s elusive respect. However, since we’re here to watch her crash and burn, anyone want to place bets on how long it will be until he cheats on her? I’m guessing within the next three to four episodes, only because I think that’s all we have left in the season and wouldn’t it make a nice little season finale? Thoughts? Opinions? Much love, O. Snapp