Doubtless many of you have been watching Michael Phelps and that Nastasia gymnast chick show off their hard-earned physical superiority over in Chinatown. But what you may have forgotten (and I’m here to remind you) is that there are people in this world who have gotten even further in life and in financial stability by virtue of their beauty (ahem) alone. Well, that and their innate ability to inspire teenage girls and gay guys across the country gasp “OH NO she di’int!!” Therefore I implore you, dear reader, to come to your senses. Get back to what’s really relevant in this world: reality television. Oh, sweet! – THE HILLS is on!I know that I, for one, can’t wait to see all the latest fashions the blonde sheep and other dipshits of Los Angeles are wearing. After a quick recap of last season (wherein it’s made clear that somehow Heidi still has a job), we… aw Christ. I’ve just gotta share with you the first vomit-inducing moment of The Hills: Acte IV (as Spencer oozes, “You will not regret this” – a clear lie):
“I already regret this chubby.”
Anyway. We join our belles at People’s Revolution and I’m already wet for a nice Kelly Cutrone whipping over someone wearing mauve or something. LC talks about Blahdrina’s upcoming birthday party and also casually mentions a date she has that night. Hooray! Maybe our girl will finally get to experience a man’s touch again. At the word “date,” Whitney’s face morphs into that of a 70-year-old Jewish ma’s who’s just found the last shred of hope for her over-the-hill daughter. They giggle like schoolgirls having a sleepover and crank-calling boys in the yearbook.
LC reveals that she’s already dated this mystery man. Don’t tell me we’re retreading the Jason/Col-Letme war zones again. Oh, whew, luckily we learn this was a romance NOT covered on “Laguna Beach.” Is that even legal?
“OMG! And I thought I saw ALL the DVD bonus features!”
Whitney remarks on the smallness of this crazy old world. Indeed, who’d have thought someone from Orange County would ever run into someone they knew in L.A.? Have these people ever been to New York? I know a dude from Mexico who runs into old friends every other day.
Lauren tells Whit his name: (ready, angel choir?) Doug. “Doug, Doug,” Whitney repeats stiltedly, as though she’s learning to read for the first time on Ye Olde Sesame Street. “Puh… Ail… PAIL!” LC doesn’t want to talk too much about this budding flower of love inside of her, because she might jinx it. Hey ladies, what’s with this jinxing thing? A friend of mine recently claimed she’d been going out with a guy for two months and only told one person, because of the same fear. A few months ago, I was in a similar situation, but gabbed about it to three people and BAM! Jinx. He dropped off the face of the earth. And I’m positive that’s the reason, surely it had nothing to do with my halitosis and off-putting sarcasm.
SO ANYWAY. Lauren reminds us all how very, VERY long it’s been since she’s had one in the cooter and just can’t wait for her date. In response, Whitney’s face devolves into a crumbling mess of overexcited vicarious glee. I think that’ll take us right into the intro. Ms. Beddingfield?
Too much wasabi
During the new, very light-hearted intro (incidents of drunken dancing increased! And even Heidi gets to smile during her credit!), I realize that this model will be immortalized as the symbol of fierceness as represented by a runway airkiss on the goddamn “Hills.” Well, good for her. I’m sure Andy Warhol would be delighted.
At SBE, our first bad outfit of the season is thrust upon us as supporting actress Kimmy strolls in beside Heidi in a Hefty Bag and low-slung belt. I guess the new trend these days is to prove how little you care about your weight by not flaunting your tiny waist. Sort of like when dudes are comfortable enough in their own heterosexuality that they can kiss another dude and not be embarrassed by it. That’s how it works, right?
Heidi gabs that her sis in town for the weekend. Well, this should be… fun. Hope she’s as awesome as Stephanie! Actually, better: I hope she’s awesomer and makes out with Spencer. That would really put this show at its proper soap opera level. Apparently, Heidi’s not very excited about this little visit. She’s got her hands way full with her infant at home. Er, I mean… she’s got her pre-marriage non-divorce reunion to work through. With her infant at home. For whatever reason, she’s telling Kimberly (and us) about the planned visit before Spencer (oh, and her sister doesn’t even know they’re back together!). I see they’ve really worked on their communication skills since they’ve gotten back together. Lucky for Heidi, Kimberly is around only for her undying (unthinking) support: “I mean, it’s not like you purposely didn’t tell him,” she justifies. Actually, that’s exactly what is. I can’t think of any other way around this one. She knew her sister was coming. She is telling Kimmy and still hasn’t told Spencey. There’s no two ways about it, honey. Hey, speaking of Kimberly, she’s going to make a great old hag someday, don’tcha think?
“Honey, grab my cigs and fix me a G&T, will ya?”
It’s comforting to know everyone grows ugly eventually. Over at Epic Records, Chiara looks reeeeally worried as she peeks over her cube. What’s wrong, Kitty?
“Chloe sent all of the files to Division. WE’VE GOT TO WARN JACK.”
Blahdrina floats over and we see she’s deteriorated further into her “homeless chic takes aerobics” look with a natty off-the-shoulder tee and uncombed/unwashed hair. Good to see, however, that her teeth are still blindingly white. They chat about the upcoming pool party and Chiara inquires as to the housemate situation, to which Blahdrina replies, “I dunno, Lo’s just always super-bitchy. That’s just how it is.” Ha! I love it! Let’s just call a spade a spade here, shall we? Of all the bitches ‘been on this show, this is the first time I can recall anyone actually saying it out loud. Kudos to you, Grotty Girl.
Only in Cali can you spot a Boho cyclist on her iPhone.
“How do gluten-free pot brownies sound?”
Over at the Pubeface/Lipgloss Den, we get our first glimpse of Holly, the Other Montag. She’s playing with her hair and making a silly face. Sounds about right for Heidibrethren. However, with her ill-advised vest/tee combo and bad half-updo, she bears a striking resemblance to another Aryan sister.
Heidi, a la Pratt-ette
Evidently, Spencer’s been inadvertently relegated to babysitting duty (which, fortunately, he can pull of flawlessly while still playing Call Of Duty). This reminds me of the scene in “Uncle Buck” where the kids just kind of sit around silently, like, “Ummmmm…. Can we DO something now?” The door slams behind them and they both jump, relieved for a break from the silence, that evil silence! “Hiiiii…..” Heidi mutters unenthusiastically, quickly peeking around the room either for signs of a struggle or just perhaps her blocking tape. Meanwhile, Spencer’s lazy reclined ass on the couch ventures a glance her way, full of vitriol and blame.
“I bet you forgot my Johnnie Walker too, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU!”
Heidi smoothly covers with a “whoops-a-daisy!” face as she hugs Holly and as Spencer leaves the room (so charming!), she chases after him. As they duke it out in the boudoir, we get to look at Holly more, and notice her adorable wrist tattoo, which perfectly completes her “Roxette Groupie” ensemble.
She’s Got The Look!
We know this is going over well with Mr. Sensitive as Heidi pleads with the whimper of an imprisoned 14-year-old FLDS Helper Wife, “Pleeeease be nice to her! She’s my sister!” “That’s my middle name,” Spencer grumbles, and we know that surely can’t be true because of the ominous electropop playing as we transition into the next scene, at the LauLoBlahteau.
That’s where Lau and Lo are engaging in a whimsically homoerotic compliment session as LC prepares for her date. Lauren commands Lo to have a good time with Blahdrina that night (yeah, I’m sure they’ll be popping Bon-Bons and snorting coke together in no time at all) when suddenly the doorbell rings. They look at each other, seemingly terrified, as though they’re auditioning for Drew Barrymore’s role in “Scream.”
“Kay, this time, you be Skeet Ulrich.”
LC opens the door to Mr. Perfect (-Looking), who calls her “Beb” and is classified as her “friend.” Hopefully not for too long. Hopefully soon it will be “LC’s Booty Call” or “LC’s On-Again/Off-Again Mistake” or, God willing, “LC’s Dude Du Jour” (Dudejour?) He’s clean, respectful, and his shirt is ironed. My stars, what will Blahdrina think??
The two lovebirds share a very, VERY quiet car ride. When I can hear the lyrics of your emotive pop song, the date can’t be going well. But it’s okay, LC’s got the cure: a seductive glance (while he’s focused on the road, good one! Maybe later you can try to French him while he’s chewing) and reminiscing about high school. You know, Conrad, this didn’t work with Col-Letme, I don’t see how it’ll charm the pants off of this quarterback. But I guess you’ve gotta talk about something.
They begin with cocktails at the restaurant. She orders a Fuzzy Dragon; he gets the Wooly Cootch. Just kidding, he gets a beer and LC, ever the conversationalist, claims that “your drink says a lot about you.” Yeah, like the fact that you’re an alcoholic. She reads his personality based on his Stella Artois and according to her, he’s a “guys’ guy.”
You don’t say.
Get this girl a crystal ball! He asks if that’s a good thing and, in her classic weird-subtle flirtation, Lauren stares at him for a few seconds and shrugs/whimpers, “Hm!” Ohhhkayyyy… well, when he tells her she’s gorgeous, she does meow (and I do mean meow), “ThaaankYeeww.” That’s how we know she really likes this guy – she turns into a complete pussy and then purrs like one.
He asks if he can see her again (wow, even before cocktails!) and in response she wobbles her head in the style traditional to India – neither a nod nor a shake. Over there it means yes, over here it’s a touch noncommittal. She invites him to the pool party that weekend and his face immediately drops as though he’s about to pull the, “Oh jeez…. hmmm, THIS Sunday? Uhhh I don’t know if I can make it.” But fear not, our girl reels in her prey and they complete the scene by smiling flirtatiously, exchanging plans for their upcoming sexual adventures telepathically for ten full seconds of back-and-forth shots.
“I’m thinking… cock ring?”
“Where’ve you been all my life?”
We return to family hour at Spence ‘N’ Heidi’s, where Holly is certainly feeling her presence treasured as Heidi mutters, “We wake up a lot later than you do. We’re late birds” (um, night owls, perhaps?) when Holly graciously offers to make breakfast for everyone.
Spencer, who looks like he’s hiding just around the corner and peeking before he enters stage right, blatantly refuses the meal that Holly’s already made for him. Heidi bitches him out for being such a rude jerkoff (and he counters with the can’t-touch-this retort “Mind your own business”) while, in the background, Holly is noting that the dishes look like they’ve been in there for about a month. She’s growing up to be more and more like her mother every day!
“When oh when will I find a woman and not another mommy?” Answer: when you stop acting like a bratty 8-year-old.
Looks like someone has a hangover! To complete his return into full douchenozzle mode, Spencer ambles back to his bedroom and slams the door. I hope he got paid overtime for that scene, seeing as he clearly had to show up for it way before his usual call time.
At the day-drinking event of the year, Blahdrina’s B-day Party, Lauren makes fun of Frankie and Doug for wearing matching jerseys. This would be a valid fashion objection on her part except for the fact that she and Lo are wearing identical dresses (same color, no less).
“How weird! We all look exactly alike!!”
At the shindig there is a clear divide between LC’s friends and Blah’s friends. All of Blah’s look like they just stepped off the Brooklyn-bound L Train into Williamsburg (crazy mohawks and all!) while LC’s friends all wear the expression of a well-dressed schoolmarm with a ruler up her arse. And when I say “all of LC’s friends,” I of course mean Lo, who is in the kitchen busy practicing her Lifetime-Movie-Of-The-Week face.
Not My Puppy, Not This Time
Lo is suddenly getting a case of stage fright, all at the prospect of having to socialize with some icky boys who wear too much denim. Listen, you can’t pull a Donnie Osmond just because you don’t like the birthday girl. Blahdrina joins the girls in the kitchen and says that she invited Pigpen as well as all of the people she hangs out with when she gets sick of the stench of passive aggression. As Lo says, “Well… we’ll just have to enjoy the company that comes.” Without a word (or at least as we see it), Blahdrina leaves the kitchen to go root around in slop with her REAL friends. Lauren is absolutely shocked at the gall of this woman. Lo steals a furtive glance her way to make sure LC is mad at the wrong person and, sure enough, she is. Lo’s screws keep on turnin’.
“Gasp! NOW I understand why she refused to wear our dress! SHE DOESN’T LIKE US!!!”
Across town, the Blontags are getting all dolled up at a fancy salon. Oddly, Heidi isn’t having anything done. Shouldn’t she be getting fitted for a tiara or something? That’s the Heidi I miss. I don’t know whether Holly is older or younger, but she’s doling out some sound sisterly advice. She’s surprised that Heidi hasn’t told the ‘rents about Spencer yet, but as Heidi says, “I don’t need them knowing everything about my relationship.” Yeah, only every other human who will pay you a modicum of attention. Doesn’t she know that parents will proudly follow everything you do, no matter how silly or stupid it is? I’m pretty sure they’ve seen an USWeekly or People Magazine in the last five months. Especially her dad, when he goes to get his pedicure.
“Woo! Can’t wait for my 5 o’clock Boob-N-Botox!”
At the mention of Lauren, Heidi’s face grows wistful. “What happens happens,” she muses. Indeed, and what sucks sucks. And what is a verb, is a verb. Holly looks troubled and warns Heidi not to sacrifice too much for Spencer. Don’t tell me we’re getting a reasonable young lady around here. This old heart of mine just couldn’t take it. “I’m not,” Heidi reassures her. “Least of all my career,” she does not add, but should. Her face, however, betrays her own worry, if not a chance of worry lines. I wonder what this face of resentment is for? Spencer? Lauren? Heidi herself?
“MICHAEL FUCKING PHELPS.”
Back at Faux Rebellion Central, Pigpen (finally!) rolls in and nearly burns Blahdrina with his sun-heated black leather jacket. I am very disappointed to see his return to the world of leather. I’m not a vegetarian, and I could give two shits about animal-as-human rights (except for, you know, puppies), but this little trend of his really grinds my gears. You should not wear something that can burn human flesh if exposed to the sun.
At least get yourself some polar bear hide or something.
Lauren is busy playing hostess/date/caretaker-to-Lo and only gets a mere five seconds to sit in her new beloved’s lap before jaunting off to find the aforementioned whiner and leave Doug to mingle with the tattooed masses. Inside the safety of the kitchen, she finds Lo, who admits having been upstairs for the last HOUR playing with the dog. My question is, where were the cameras for that one? That could have made an awesome viral. “2 Bitches, 1 Squeaky Toy.”
Lauren confronts her on not being around or trying at all, to which Lo claims that “we’ve” been making the effort and Blah hasn’t. Actually, it seems to me (by way of the editors) that Lauren’s the only one trying here. Lo is just being a skinny little big fat baby. “I’m not going to be put in this situation again,” she huffs. Yeah, I’d HATE to be subjected to seven hours of drinking poolside on a Sunday afternoon. Listen honey, we’ve all been there, in a setting where you don’t know anyone and you don’t really care about getting to know them. Just LIE, if only for your own entertainment. I’ve told people I’m getting my masters in conversational hieroglyphics. I’ve told people I’m a hooker targeted to hipsters. Believe me, anything is more fun that way. The dishonest way!
Outside, Mohawk is getting tossed into the pool while Lauren complains that her party is a complete disaster. Actually, Blahdrina looks like she’s having a great time, laughing and drinking with people who don’t sit around and pout. It’s only a bad situation for you, Lauren, the NON-BIRTHDAY GIRL. Frankie, who always seems to step in whenever advice needs dispensing, suggests that maybe the other two chicks just shouldn’t be friends. “But… does that mean it all ends??” wonders Lauren aloud. Well, it depends on what you mean by “it all.” If you’re talking about the continuation of time and space, no. If you’re talking about your relevance in pop culture, no. (that deal is sealed, sweetie.) If you’re talking about your cohabitation situation, definitely.
“But what about my quest for meaning?”
It’s already time for Holly’s graceful exit. I knew she couldn’t stick around for too long. We only need a voice of reason 4 or 5 times per season. See you in a few weeks! She sighs that she’s just missed Heidi so much lately. I’m sorry honey, but the Heidi you used to know and love (cute, bubbly, nice, stupid) has been forever replaced by Heidi 2.0 (plastic, worried, bitchy, stupid). Be sure to let the folks know to change the name on her Christmas stocking.
But maybe I spoke too soon about Holly. Out of nowhere, she suggests moving from Colorado to L.A. and maybe she can stay with them for a little bit? Spencer gives his classic bad-dad “Don’t worry, I’ll beat you for this later. Right now I’m gonna go grab a Bud” look of disapproval.
*grunt* “spencer ain’t happy, no he ain’t” *grunt grunt*
After Sis gets takes off in the cab, the lovers have a wee quarrel outside of their building. No surprise there. He’s a jerk, she’s a bitch. At least he offers to get Holly an apartment. Okay, let’s all pretend I didn’t just congratulate Spencer for not condemning Holly to homelessness.
At P.R., Lauren recaps the pool party for Whitney’s listening pleasure. Does she not know I exist?? Jeez. Anyway, nothing worth mentioning happens in that scene. However, at the house, Lo and her big goofy ears bop on over to the Blahteau (“For Brunettes Only!” Seriously, nothing good ever happens when a blonde enters that house) for The Big Confrontation. The first thing I can say about this scene is that there is a definite and undeniable costume change within the first fifteen seconds.
Second Five: The Purple Shirt
Second Thirteen: The Black Shirt
Huh. Can we get continuity to supervise please?
Also, for once, Blahdrina is well-lit and doesn’t look like a bride of the undead.
“I’m nobody’s bride. I belong to Jesus.”
Anyway, Lo zips through the small talk in her usual chipper way, until rushing to the end of her pool party wrap up with “yeahitwasfun, um… I need to talk to you about that.” She apologizes for not being around. That’s a good start. They talk about their forced friendship and both agree that it just hasn’t happened, at all. The convo feels like a marriage counseling session about their bad sex life.
Lo blames Blah for not trying. Blah feels like she’s on the outside (maybe it’s because you live in a mini-house in the backyard). Lo deflects blame again. Blah blames her “bad energy.” Lo claims to want to be friends. Blahdrina doesn’t care. Literally, she says “I just don’t care.” She then declares their friendship stillborn and I’ve gotta say, this gal is really growing on me. Tell it like it is, sistah!
“Whoops! Did I say perky twat out loud?”
And so ends the beginning of our fourth season. I didn’t mind this episode but I felt it lacked the power of a real season premiere. What did you guys think? What do you hope happens this season (that they haven’t showed on the previews)? I hope that Lauren bangs a different guy every week and becomes the much-needed “Samantha” of this prim group of ladies. That, and a dance-off between Heidi and Stephanie.
Good to be back, y’all. I’ll leave you with a collection of the stellar work of our dear cameramen. See ya on the boards!
Slit Slut, I salute you.