The Hills: Battle of the Sexless

It was a level-4 week on The Hills, as the girls crash the Brocation, Blahdrina hypnotizes Broday by swinging her tits in front of him, and Spencer and Heidi (thankfully) spend less time talking about therapy and more time talking about something you never thought they would: virginity.

Despite the fact that the dudes told them they were expressly NOT invited to Hawaii, the girls see their trip as an opportunity to surprise the boys and stimulate the economy. We all win! Blahdrina probably also sees it as several days of quality Brody time without Jayde and her bizarrely large mouth to compete with. LC, Lo, Blahdrina and Stephanie (wait, Stephanie? seriously?) disembark the plane while lamenting the coldness of Los Angeles (a frigid 40 degrees!) and giggling nervously about how the upset the boys are going to be in about three seconds.

The boys, meanwhile, are maxing and relaxing at the resort, drinking Bud Lights and hailing their own calmness in decidedly faux gangsta accents.

Just as they’re thinking how great it is to be surrounded by fellow sausages on their homoerotic tour of the tropics, the four-pack of obnoxious stalker chicks rounds the corner and they give an enthusiastic, “Aren’t you excited to see us??” Um, no? Broday looks less than thrilled as he sarcastically mimics their greeting and continues to sip on his Corona. The girls give no explanation for their unexpected arrival but instead say those three magic words: “Let’s do shots!” You gotta give it to them, they’ve a great strategy: when confronted, distract your attacker with SoCo and lime.

Later they lay on the beach, slathered in coconut oil and debating the best place to have a party that night. Might I suggest your pants? Maybe it’s just the old-fashioned manners I grew up with, but I would think that if you have the audacity to crash someone else’s vacation, the least you could do is host a party in your own hotel room. Blahdrina, who, thanks to clever framing by MTV cameramen, appears to be topless, babbles about Pigpen as she gazes lustfully out at Brody surfing, while LC wastes her time texting. Do you really want to be staring at a tiny, binary code-interpreting piece of technology when you have HAWAII in front of your face?

Stephanie must be incredibly uncomfortable in her own skin, because in addition to the hideously shapeless dresses and oversized, bulky fur vests she wears in regular life, she can’t even bring herself to defrock for the beach. She lounges in what appears to be a couture muumuu as she and Blahdrina gab about a parallel universe where Pigpen had come on the trip with them. And he gave a shit about Blahdrina. Steph badgers Blahdrina about how fucked up their relationship is, and Blahdrina has to firmly tell her she’s fine. I feel like everyone on this show is constantly just stopping short of telling Steph to mind her own goddamn business.

Back in L.A., the Aryan lovers are living out my own personal version of hell: perusing the relationship self-help section of Barnes & Noble. Heidi nudges Spencer toward books about “the soul of truth” and “boundaries” while he applauds himself on not immediately looking through the Playboy books. Way to go, Grownup! Heidi, whose cross necklace is extra-large today, announces that Colby is coming for a visit. You don’t say! The handsome, virtuous ex-boyfriend you “unexpectedly” ran into in Colorado is coming to California just as you’re having virtue problems with your fiancée? What a crazy, coincidental world we do not live in. Heidi makes the excellent point that Spencer has no reason to be jealous, it’s not like they’re going to dinner with Stacie The Bartender. Yeah, there’s almost zero chance you’ll catch herpes if your night with Colby ends up in a game of pantsless musical chairs.

The sun is setting over Oahu and the gang is continuing their constant buzz with drinks in the hot tub. The guys discuss the relative sexiness of Blahdrina’s bathing suit, while Lauren passes beverages to the guys and seethes silently. Blahdrina gives as decent of an attempt at doe eyes as a zombie could. Everyone turns around to count down the final moments of daylight – and through the magic of television, the sun races to the bottom of the horizon as they reach zero.

Now that it’s night, Stephanie has gussied herself up and unsuccessfully attempted to combine two awful fads: the Pocahontas headband and the ’80s revival. I cannot believe this chick has spent all these years in fashion school and not learned a damned thing.

The Jacuzzi being a giant, tepid cauldron for STDs and all, Steph decides to stir the pot and ask Blah in front of everyone whether she considers herself single. Blahdrina confirms, and I’m just wondering why Steph’s boobs are all up in Brody’s grill. Do I sense a mite of competition amongst skanks?

Brody answers for her, and declares in his authoritative, pompous way that “if some guy LITERALLY blows Pigpen away,” then Blahdrina would totes go for said guy. I am highly doubtful of Brody’s knowledge of the word “literal.” Anyway, this causes Blah to go all googly-eyed at Bro, and we all know that HE is that some guy.

On the mainland, Colby and his girlfriend Ashley (awww they’re so fucking Christian) have arrived for their breaking of bread double date with Heidi and Spencer. Ashley is really weird-looking in that she’s blond and tan, but not hideous. How is this possible? She somehow still looks like a creature of nature. I’m getting uncomfortable. She perkily hopes aloud that Heidi will be nice. Ha! Just wait, Precious, you’re just about to enter a funhouse of plastic surgery and passive aggression.

Inside the restaurant, Spencer is deluding himself on Heidi’s virtue, theorizing that Colby is probably still a virgin and therefore never got past, say, second base with Heidi and therefore Heidi has never had sex with anyone but him. Ha ha, just a wee leap in logic, no biggie. The couples meet and greet and talk about shopping. Ashley, who has clearly never seen the show or read an US Weekly, chirps to Heidi, “You look so different! Colby’s mom has shown me pictures of you, you don’t even look like the same person!!” Heidi remains silent, unsure of how to explain the depth of her own vapidity to a girl wearing a modestly sleeved, floral print dress.

She asks them if they want a cocktail, which they each refuse for simple water. Perhaps they’re waiting for homeboy Jesus to show up and turn it into wine (cheapskates!). Colby says he’s never even had a sip of alcohol, and Ashley agrees, explaining that nothing good ever comes from it. You don’t have to tell that to Mr. and Mrs. Patròn across the table.

With both his sole point of conversation and his strategy for fun for the night eliminated, Spencer steers the conversation toward something as mundane as where the happy couple is staying. They reply that they got separate rooms at the Orlando. “Separate rooms?” Heidi repeats, with hand gestures to reiterate. “Yep!” Ashley says happily. She’s more than excited to tout the benefits of saving oneself for marriage. In response, Heidi compares Spencer to Hugh Hefner. First of all, Dear Heidi and Spencer, please let me hear 100% less about your sex life. Secondly, I, for one, think this is an insult to Hef. It would be hard to have a blonde eightsome with Heidi yapping about therapy in the background.

Colby proves his purity by claiming he doesn’t even DANCE. What is this, “Footloose?” Spencer, having lost any envy he once had toward the young Christian, suggests the two of them do some boxing the next day. “I KNOW you have some aggression to get out,” he smirks. Ha ha! What a dick.

In Hawaii, the girls are chillin’ in their hotel room, which, incidentally, looks exactly like all of their apartments in L.A. They debate whether the boys are mad at them for coming (they are) and once they’ve decided they couldn’t possibly be mad because they’re all going out to dinner, Stephanie says, “Mmmkay. Who has hair stuff for me?”

Blahdrina must. She’s primping in the bathroom, and from the looks of it, getting ready to shoot a cheesy ’80s detective show.

A little overdone for an island dinner, no? She and Steph whisper in the bathroom about Blah’s attraction to Broday, and Blah calls out to Lo and Lau that they’ll be ready in two minutes. Girl time two minutes equals real time twenty minutes. Steph insists Blah’s gonna hook up with Bro. Blah insists she won’t. “Because of Jayde?” Steph asks. Blah says no. If it isn’t a set of basic morals that’s her holding back, what is it?!

Steph asks why she never hooked up with him before, to which Blah answers, “I was with Pigpen!” And that little thing called LAUREN, your BEST FRIEND! Is it just me, or isn’t there an unspoken (or totally spoken, bad rom-com movies made about, wars fought over) rule that no one, of any gender, should EVER hook up with their best friend’s ex? Steph pitches the genius idea that Blah hook up with Brody as a way to get Pigpen back. Ugh, this has disaster written all over it.

Meanwhile (maybe), Spencer and Colby are about to throw punches at the gym. Hopefully, since this is a “safe” environment and there’s no alcohol involved, Spencer will be able to keep that crazed look out of his eyes while he breaks into fisticuffs. He gives Colby the third degree about what it’s like to maintain his virginity, and Colby calmly replies that it’s corny to say, but he gets through it with a lot of prayer and “time with the Lord” (that’s code for a sock and some lotion). I’m no fan of religion, but I have to note that Colby and Ashley are the sanest people who’ve ever been on this show. For someone with a 22-year supply of semen coursing through his body, Colby speaks with a chill attitude and focused mind, the likes of which I don’t think we’ve seen in five seasons.

Spencer notes that if an earthquake were to hit, Colby and Ashley would DIE VIRGINS. Gasp, noooooooooooooo! That actually is a pretty frightening thought, but Colby doesn’t seem too worried about it. Or anything. He tells Spencer it’d be worth it in the end. “Do you get to have sex in heaven?” Spencer asks. “Well…. everything is perfect in heaven…” answers Colby, who clearly does not know the answer to this question. “Aw, then there’s TOTALLY sex in heaven,” Spencer sighs, relieved. “Are there a lot of you out there?” he asks, as though Virgin is a foreign country not listed on his wall map. Ahaha, what am I saying? Spencer doesn’t own a map. As Spencer continues to grill Colby, the Nice Christian Boy suggests Spencer come to Bible study to ask questions, and get off his goddamn back about it! (okay, so that last part may have been merely “implied.”)

Back on the ruined vacation, LC proposes a toast to the “best boys’ trip EVAR!” Yay, you hate us! While Brodrina flirt by cell phone light, Frankie is across the table slurring with Stephanie. Ha ha, Slurring With Stephanie – sounds like a really bad educational show on PBS.

Brodrina are giggling and touching each other’s forearms when someone calls out, “Get a room!” Blahdrina openly confesses, “I’ve always had a little crush.” And there’s the name of the episode. Broday drunkenly raises his eyebrows, denying responsibility, while everyone at the table looks uncomfortable and Blahdrina cries repeatedly, “I’m not gonna lie!” Nobody asked you to lie. We also never asked you which dude with a Playmate girlfriend you wanna bone.

Meanwhile…

Yep, it’s Bible study night at the Aryan compound, and Colby has found the verse which dictates that one should not have sex before marriage. Then again, that book was written before The Pill… and condoms… so who knows what God would say nowadays?

Spencer asks them to read it aloud and Ashley says with an air of superiority, “In the Bible it’s called fornification.” Ummm I’m pretty sure that’s wrong. Just because you’re better than me doesn’t mean you know big words. Colby gently corrects her and reads a passage about the marriage bed being pure, which Spencer quickly rebuts by interpreting the meaning of pure as “having clean sheets.” Even I find it laughable to think that, in a book that’s gone to such great lengths to dictate human morality, the disciples also added an edict concerning domestic hygiene.

After taking a texting break during Colby’s next reading, Spencer announces that he still doesn’t believe there’s anything in the Bible that explicitly prohibits premarital sex. That’s because the Bible doesn’t explicitly say anything, it’s a collection of literary metaphors and allegories. Apropos of nothing, Ashley giggles that it sure would be nice “if everyone just loved each other!” Okay, Pleasantville, that’s enough outta you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Eating sandwiches bigger than your face, pounding beers and chewing with your mouth open????

Glad the girls didn’t spoil ALL their fun. Broday stares at Blahdrina from across the lawn, dangling his beer bottle in front of his open mouth like a phallus. The gang makes jokes about getting lei’d until Blahdrina excuses herself to go… wait for Brody to come after her. The boys berate Broday for not plucking that red apple (what a delicate metaphor) until Bro defensively maintains that although Blahdrina’s a cool girl, he’s attracted to his (much hotter) girlfriend.

As everyone else leaves the boys’ suite, Bro finds Blah in his bedroom, on the phone with Pigpen. Phone sex threesome? She quickly hangs up and Broday tells her in the same defensive tone that he used with the boys that although he was happy (albeit shocked) to see the girls on this trip, he doesn’t want things to be awkward between them. He starts to tell her she’s very sweet and a good friend. She nods sharply, as this sentence is clearly leading into the inevitable “but we’re JUST friends” declaration.

Right?

Orrrrrrrr he could finish the sentence by suggesting that some night (like, say, that night) if they’re out and drunk and no one’s around, then… “feelings are feelings.” Huh? What the fuck does THAT mean? You can’t define a word with itself, silly. We know what feelings are, the question is, will you poke those feelings with your penis?

We find out the next morning, as the ladies convene to discuss their sleep patterns in the living room. Lo announces that Blahdrina slept “at the Brodester’s.” “She slept in his room?” Lauren asks. No, she slept in his heart. They wake Stephanie up for the noblest reason of all – to gossip. Side note – all three girls look way better with little or no makeup.

Broday emerges from his slumber to greet the boyz with a shout of satisfaction and a big ole grin on his smug mug. Sleazy-Todd is around to drop some wisdom along with fellow homeboy sage Frankie Delgado. Personally, I wouldn’t take advice from anyone with the word “sleazy” in his name or who sounds like a mobster’s bastard son with a stripper, but I’m no Prince of Malibu.

Ladies and gents, the speculation can end: Broday admits to having cheated on his girlfriend. You know, the more I know about these people, the less I want to know about their sex lives. Seriously, do YOU want to picture Broday grabbing onto Blahdrina’s plastic funbags while she makes her patented porno face and fakes an orgasm? I don’t either.

Broday isn’t planning on telling Lady Jayde about this, ahem, indiscretion, nor, apparently, is he planning on her or any of her friends ever watching the show. AND he insists that Blahdrina would never tell the other girls that something happened, which is just downright delusional. I mean, he just told all of his friends, and they’re more girly than most of the chicks on this show. Frankie backs me up and says, “Yes, she will. Girls are evil.”

Cut to the girls’ living room, where Lo, Lau and Steph are busy inventing possible theories on how Blahdrina could have slept at Brody’s without sleeping WITH him. Turns out, physicists the world over have already solved this equation, and the answer is: there is no answer. It’s impossible. Stephanie asks if they should tell Jayde, and Lau replies, “Don’t look at me, that’s not our place.” Stephanie is looking confused by the idea of manners as Blahdrina pops out of her room with a smile as big as Brody’s and complains contentedly about being exhausted. Damn, I wish I were exhausted.

She takes a big drink of water while the other girls stare at her in silence. Boy, this episode is just one big moment of awkward, isn’t it? Stephanie asks her where she slept. “At Brody’s!” But, Stephanie prods, there’s only one bed. Blahdrina just shrugs like it’s not her fault Brody slipped on the Astroglide and fell into her vagina. Or mouth. Or immoveable cleavage.

LC and Blahdrina stare each other down as the other girls talk about how mad Jayde is going to be. “Well, let her come at me. Start a war,” Blahdrina says disinterestedly. Wow, so little integrity, so few values. Maybe Blahdrina could have used a week with Colby and Ashley.

I’m just wondering, why is no one stating the obvious here? Shouldn’t Blahdrina at least acknowledge the fact that LC used to date the Brodester? If LC hooked up with Pigpen, Blah would… well, we all know what she would do, she did it last season for no reason at all. All those in favor of sending these bitches to Christian boot camp, say O! xoxOsnapp