The Hills: But What Does A Bathroom Pass Get Me?

Tonight on The Hills, the whole crew (or at least those who matter) go to Cabo-Wabo to live in a state of constant inebriation and to happily witness the tension between Blahdrina and her alley-dwelling Romeo mount even further (and you didn’t think it was possible!). It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for since… well, since the moment you were flipping through the cable guide and said, “Oh, cool, ‘The Hills’ is on. Guess I’ll watch that. Babe, could you grab me a beer while you’re up?”

“What economic crisis?”

OH first of all, before we get started with this snoozefest, did you guys see the “Hills” unseen moments special? IT WAS AMAZING. With the exception of the announcer’s earnestly over-sexual voice, it is better than every episode of this season. Combined. All I’m saying is, they show us LC’s shaved pussy. Seriously. And it’s glorious.

We join our spoiled brats as they board their private jet and get ready for the vacation of… the week. LC whispers “Wheeeee” as the jet takes flight, like a six-year-old on the world’s most expensive swing set. Inside, a bunch of talentless twentysomethings toast Broday and his mere existence on this earth, blissfully unaware of any turmoil or strife that may be happening on the land below. According to Blahdrina, Corey is “on tour” and therefore won’t be joining us tonight. Yeah, I bet. Judging from his reaction to last week’s invitation to have fun in the sun with ol’ Tits McGhee here, I bet he made sure to get on a tour of something or other. Ergo, Blahdrina is left with no random dick to flaunt about in front of her on-again/off-again beau whilst he frolics with bimbos galore. Boo hoo.

Oohhh, so symbolic.

Little Ricky (that’s Frankie to y’all) seems perturbed by this development, and by the prospect of the brown-haired star-crossed lovers hitting the skids at all. Additionally, he is sporting some fierce man-cleavage as he leans in to get the deets.

To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Frankie Delgado

A few moments later they’re in Cabo, site of many an LC-related dramafest. The boys swoon over their proximity to waves and the girls check out the bedrooms, LC and Blahdrina roaming the house with cocktail glasses duct-taped to their hands. LC remarks that she thinks this is Blahdrina and Pigpen’s room. I’m not sure what brings her to this conclusion. Perhaps there were some black leather handcuffs and jars of dirt lotion placed off-camera or something. In any case, Blahdrina displays a single moment of emotional truth by shuddering at the thought of staying with him. LC offers to let her stay in her room with her. And evidently, before they left L.A. she also loaned her the awful self-tanner she’s been using, because Blahdrina’s now sporting the same bad ‘stache.

By spring, every teenage girl will have a hideous tan’stache.

The girls run into the ocean with abandon, jumping around in the waves, careful not to spill their Mai Tais. Back at the house, four dudes wearing mesh trucker hats (a shitty style they clearly ripped from Corey!) plus Little Ricky enjoy some quality time in the Jacuzzi. Apparently, Pigpen really HAS been accepted into this little mini-group. These are the famous homeboys, although I’d say it’s more like homoerotic. Come on. Look at these dudes and tell me they’ve never enjoyed one finger up the a-hole.

“Broday, truth? OR DARE?”

Pigpen demands to know what is happening with Blahdrina but Li’l Ricky girlishly demures for a bit until the quartet devolves into a gossip circle arguing the differences between “boyfriend” and “boy” “friend.” I say, as long as he’s banging you, it doesn’t matter. Call him Susan for all he cares. Pigpen nervously strokes his 5 o’clock goatee and mutters about Blahdrina’s audacity. That impresses me, until I realize he may be under the impression that “audacity” means “whore-ness.” The boys, under Duhg’s dutifully jaded command, agree that “all girls are shady” and then they all jerk each other off under the water.

“Sigh, will he EVER notice me?”

Sometimes I think Stephanie is taking notes from Andy Bernard on “The Office” and practicing personality mirroring to get on everyone’s good side. This time she’s dressed identically to Heidi, both with loose gray shirts that belie their skinniness, black pants, cartoonishly blonde hair pulled back, and douchebag-sized sunglasses. They browse a makeup store and gab about Stephanie’s new made-up boyfriend.

“Oohhh, more ways to look like something I’m not!”

Stephanie sighs that it’s so nice to have him around while everyone else in Los Angeles is in Cabo, which is probably the only reason she called Heidi for this little Sephora excursion. Stephanie whines about Brody being a jerk and LC not liking her, boring boring boring, until Heidi pounces on the opportunity for more human contact and generously invites her and her beau out for a double date with her and Spencer. I may not term that scenario a “double date.” I think “less fun than chomping on a fresh muffin made of cranberries and glass shards” would be more appropriate.

Steph seems to agree with me and tries to worm her way out of it, insisting that Spencer will probably be a dickhole. I don’t think “probably” should ever enter the sentence. “Spencer’s not dating him, YOU’RE dating him,” Heidi reasons, using as her example everyone she’s ever met and several million she hasn’t despising Spencer but still dating him anyway.

“Dear God, did she get another nose job?”

Back in paradise, Brody is voicing his concern to Lauren about her and Blahdrina, “‘Cause you are with, like, ten dudes.” Well, it’s not like gangbanging is a new concept, darling. I’m sure these girls can hold their own. Side note: why, if they are on the outs, are Blahdrina and Pigpen sitting together at dinner? I guess to have dramatic conversation. Pigpen compliments Blah on her flower scrunchie, who replies haughtily that her new bf gave it to her. Pigpen is not pleased. But maybe hungry.

“Are you gonna eat those nachos?”

Obviously hoping his Elvis ‘do will be enough to win her vagina back, he mumbles incoherently about her bag not being in “their” room. Blahdrina plays it cool, browsing her digital camera and off-handedly remarking that she figured he’d want his own room. You know, to have sex with other girls. So she wouldn’t have to see it. While she’s sleeping in the same bed. Pigpen responds with his best Keanu impression.

“Whooaaaaa.”

Blahdrina says that he’s the one who didn’t want to be exclusive. “Oohhhh, dude…” Pigpen replies, narrowing his eyes, shaking his head and taking on the tone of someone who’s been gravely misunderstood after asserting that he wanted to be free to hook up with anything that moved, including that raccoon behind the Dumpster. Blahdrina ignores him, saying it’s cool, after which Pigpen solidifies his place as Creepiest Jerk by mouthing the words, “I’M FREE!” to Duhg, who looks pretty excited.

“My turn! It’s about time!”

Li’l Ricky drunkenly (do we know him any other way?) slurs a toast to Broday about him being the best friend EVAR! Then Duhg proceeds to call out his surprise gift, which is a parade of elegantly dressed hookers. Classy! Everyone seems aptly pleased, except of course our heroines.

Think of all the adventures this nose will get into tonight.

As the hoes and bros splash around in the darkened ocean, LC and Blahdrina chat in a corner. “Did you feel the awkwardness?” Blahdrina asks, and I swear the first fourteen times I listened to LC’s reply I thought she said “The in-sex in the air feels it,” which got me thinking about how in a party situation there’s that absolute stench of sex-hunger hanging in the air, everybody just waiting to get their goods, searching every other person’s eyes for the go-ahead. Which obviously is what this party seems like, but no. She said all the insects in the air feel it, which makes more sense, I must admit.

WRONG, MTV. They’re ON A BREAK.

LC tells Blahdrina to let go, just fucking let it go and get away from him, but Blahdrina just keeps repeating the same phrases about Pigpen’s mind games over and over. It’s hard to tell someone what they should do when they’re obviously not listening; they just want someone to complain to.

“So… I really like your tank top.”

So anyway… the boys clearly got the better end of the deal this weekend. With all the drunken debauchery, single guys and fine-looking senoritas, Blahdrina and LC must feel like they’re at a bachelor party. However, for some inexplicable reason, Pigpen is not macking on some girl. He is sitting at a table trying to convince himself that this is the best weekend to use his “hall pass,” a phrase I’m getting damn near sick of hearing out of this kid’s mouth. Since when does he “contemplate?” I’m sorry, you all know I love you readers dearly, and I understand that everyone makes mistakes, Blahdrina is out of her damn mind for staying with him. He is one of the biggest assholes we’ve had on this show, second only to Spencer, and I don’t appreciate MTV trying to make him seem like he has a heart just to be able to keep him on the show. It pisses me off to know that this guy can make a living out of seeming like a tortured artist-type when he’s really just a rich, cheating dickhead.

“Are you laughing at ME, motherfucker?”

Love is in the air as couples play in the pool, making out, sitting on each other’s shoulders and wrapping their legs around each other. Pigpen laughs with some chicks in the Jacuzzi, Duhg looks like he might get a threesome, and LC reclines in a lawn chair. Alone. Well, actually, she’s not alone, she has a gigantic coconut filled with booze beside her while she watches Blahdrina lounge uncomfortably.

“I hope my eye makeup’s still okay.”

Time for our weekly installment of tedious Heidi/Spencer hatred. The dynamic duo are waiting for their double date to show up and are trading barbs about the new couple. As the minutes pass, their tone becomes more and more wry, until finally they’re wading elbow-deep in a puddle of sarcasm. Hey, that’s MY puddle!

Spencer: “She’s probably in the tanning salon.”
Heidi: (eye roll) “I think she’s MISTING now.”
Spencer: (deadpan) “I’m so excited to meet this gentleman that has the honor of dating my FABULOUS sister.”
Heidi: “I wonder what he looks like.”

I’m sorry folks, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave the puddle. The sign on the fence is clearly marked O. SNAPP.

They continue in this fashion until the lucky pair show up a full forty minutes late. Oohh! Look what I found! Page one from the Heidi and Spencer Family Etiquette Handbook:

1) Exchange dry insults about your guests until they decide to show up.
2) Order while you’re waiting and make sure the food shows up just as they do, so as to silently emphasize the rudeness of their tardiness. (see also: passive aggression)
3) Take the classy route and allude NOT to your sister’s sluttiness, but instead, turn the concept on its head and suggest she’s never had a boyfriend at all. (see also: passive aggression)
4) Do not stand up to shake anyone’s hand when they arrive. Just sitting will do.
You never know, they may kiss your hand. You must remain regal for any situation that may arise.

I will say this for Spencer: he’s committed to being an ass. Whereas Heidi weakly returns to the chiding motherly figure once other people show up, Spencer sticks with his persona and boasts to Steph and Cameron about manipulating Heidi into kicking Holly out. “What was I supposed to do?” Heidi asks innocently. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DUMP HIM SO THAT AT LEAST A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE WOULD RESPECT YOU.

Weird, they never mentioned Steph was dating Sam Rockwell.

Cameron tries to ease the tension by talking about how much he likes Stephanie, but is soon interrupted by Heidi, who asks him if he’s ever met Brody and the Homeboys (album drops December 12th!). Now, what is the point of this? Unless that circle is the only group of friends that Stephanie has (which is entirely possible, considering how alone she is while they’re in Mexico), it just doesn’t matter. Unsurprisingly, Cameron replies that he used to know them five years ago. Wow, who would have ever guessed Stephanie would be swimming in that same incestuous pool of Hollywood ne’er-do-wells? Certainly not I.

“Pardon me, I seem to have misplaced my neck.”

Cameron turns the tables and asks whatever happened between SPENCER and Brody. Heyyy gotcha there! I’m starting to like this kid. Spencer’s gaze turns icy as he informs young Cam that, in case he’s never watched MTV, Brody hangs out with SOME people whom he doesn’t like and about whom Spencer MAY have spread rumors about SOMEBODY’s genitalia. But then Spencer brings up Duhg, which is weird and ridiculous and embarrassing for Stephanie and are we done yet?

Back in Cabo-Wabo, Blahdrina is sitting outside of the hot tub, shivering and shaking her head to no one in particular like a crazypants. Pigpen has stolen Blahdrina’s flower, and I’m not talking about her virginity. No, he snatched the rubber band with a silk flower glued to it, which I’m sure represents her heart, since Pigpen has stolen it and she’s staunchly asking for it back. But he just flaunts it by tying it to his wrist and guzzling a Negro Modelo. They engage in a charmingly mature game of keep-away as he makes sure it’s just out of her reach while she almost falls into the pool trying to retrieve it. Blahdrina gets fed up and leaves while flipping the bird, declaring, “I’m done!” which, as we all know, means nothing coming from her.

“Hands off my Modelo, devil woman!”

The next morning, the two of them bicker over the flower over breakfast (see? I told you it wasn’t done) and argue over who should be thrown overboard during their boat ride later. As Blahdrina explains her anger by bringing up the infamous Hall Pass Incident, and Pigpen displays his expertise in heart-finagling as deftly as a chef with dope knife skills by saying it’s not his fault; SHE left him for another man. Say WHAT? Blah falls right into the trap by whining that she was just having fun. No, no, no, you’re supposed to tell him he’s the douche so you’ll do whatever the fuck you want. Is that so hard? They attempt a war with words, but really, how far do YOU think Blahdrina would get in a debate? Pigpen is a beautifully disgusting blend of immaturity, manipulation and emotional defense, and adeptly deflects any protest Blahdrina may have by turning it all back onto her.

Pig: “I’ve always asked you to be straight up.”
Blah: “I’ve always asked YOU to be straight up.”
Pig: “And I have.”
Blah: “No you’re not!”
Pig: “And YOU’RE not.”
Blah: “Why do you keep repeating me?”
Pig: “Why do you keep repeating me?”

The remainder of the conversation is just squabbling about the flower that reminds me of when my brothers and I used to fight over the remote control. When I was ten.

“Forget you. I’ve got a new flower, biotch.”

Back in L.A., Stephanie tracks Spencer down by meeting him at the gym, which I find hilarious. Isn’t getting worked up about trivialities and furrowing your brow eighty times a day exercise enough? “They said you were working out here,” she says, and I wonder who “they” are. Location managers, I assume. Spencer defends his behavior the night before, claiming that if the roles were reversed and he was meeting Heidi’s brother, he’d be forty minutes EARLY “to stake out the place.” It’s not a goddamn drug bust. Spencer huffs and puffs and says that she should be appreciative of, essentially, any acknowledgement of her existence that he chooses to bestow upon her that doesn’t end in her demise.

“77… 78… 79…”

In Cabo, LC and Blah are having a pow-wow about Pigpen. LC offers her usual good advice about cutting herself off from Douchey to give New Douchey a fighting chance, but she keeps getting cut off by Blahdrina, who, like the night before, can’t hear a thing because she’s busy defending why she still talks to him. It’s like she’s an alcoholic: she’ll never be able to stop if she doesn’t want to stop. I think for Blahdrina it’s more fun to have fake angst than to have real contentment.

“The first step is admitting you have a problem with keeping your legs closed.”

That’s all for tonight, kiddies! I despise everyone on this show. How do you feel? I’ll leave you with this screen grab, for which there are really no words. Or OOOOHH! How about a caption contest? You guys leave your best screen cap for this motherfucker on the boards. – xoxoSnapp