The Hills: The Adventures Of Whitn-eh

“OMAHGAH I’m SO in LOVE”

Did you ever have a class in college that you knew you didn’t need to go to, and you tried to only show up when there was going to be a review for an upcoming test? But you accidentally went a day early, and the professor gave an hourlong lecture on the Byzantine Empire instead of giving you study questions? And you slept the whole time? And you maybe kinda drooled on yourself in front of a guy? And the professor’s name was Lauren? That was this week’s episode of The Hills. After last week’s weepfest about Blahdrina not knowing her true identity (but assuming it may be friends with the girl who pays her billz), we get (sort of) a break from her and focus instead on Whitney in a generous episode dedicated to building anticipation for her new show, “The City.” It is sweetly entitled “Dream Boy, Dream Job.” Awww. We open at People’s Revolution, where Whitney is called into Kelly Cuntface’s loft lair.

Invisible Lauren

She explains that she ran into a friend of hers who works for DVF (that’s Diane von Furstenberg, for those of you not cool enough to watch “Sex and the City” or American Express commercials). There’s an opening there for an in-house PR bitch and, naturally, Cuntface knew just the person for such indentured servitude. Whit! Whit looks a little… you know… oopsIcrappedmypants scared.

“Whooaaa…. perhaps I should have washed my hair today.”

Kelly Cutthroat says that she’s already set up an interview for her in New York. Whitney looks into the distance and the wheels go ’round and ’round as she processes information at dialup speed. “The job… is… in…” Go on, honey, you can do it. “… New York?” Yeaaa! And Bingo was his name-o.

Kelly goes on about how much faith she has in Whitney, not unlike an evil stepmother who reveals that she actually loves you. We never saw it coming, but there is a molten lava core at the center of that icy mountain. She’s okay after all.

Aww, I’m really gonna miss this ghostly apparition.

“Yea, I’m helping the economy!”

Okay, only 19 more minutes to recap. At the Blahteau, Blahdrina makes her one appearance of the episode by showing LC around her new “girly” pad and musing about how happy she is that LC is still hanging out with her. “I know…” LC responds, deftly avoiding the words “me too.” Blah talks about how her new home will take her awhile to decorate, which is still somehow absolutely fascinating the fourth episode around. She calls it her “bachelorette pad,” providing an opportunity for LC to ask about Pigpen. Blahdrina says they’ve talked and, you know, “… (shrug).” LC asks if that means she doesn’t want it anymore. What is this “it” that everybody’s always talking about? “Do you want ‘it’?” “Give ‘it’ to me, baby!” “I have not had ‘it’ in, like, seven months!” Blahdrina giggles and sheepishly admits that, yeah, she still totally wants it. LC just keeps her mouth shut (which takes all of her strength) and smiles sadly at her idiot friend.

“Fucking dolt. I SHOULD have fucked your boyfriend, just to teach you a lesson.”

Does anybody ever say “dolt” anymore? Enough about Blahdrina, let’s talk about the star of the show, whose life is god-awful boring. “Ummmm, well. My parents are moving?” LC offers. That’s not your news, that’s your parents’ news. She’s sad, because she loves that house and it holds all of her memories, especially now that all of her friends have left Laguna.

“Oh, if only I had some sort of video record documenting my best and worst moments in Laguna Beach. Now that would be something.”

“It’s kinda like… growing up?” Blahdrina correctly guesses. LC sighs and asks Blah to show her around the rest of the house. They get up and as they walk away, LC sighs again and mutters, “Alright…” as in, “Let’s get this over with.”

PS, please contact me if you’d like to contribute to the Blahdrina Ladder Fund. One reader at a time, we WILL get those pictures hung.

At a splendid little eatery called Pinches Tacos, which, if I’m not mistaken, is not a very kind adjective for food, Stephanie meets up with li’l bro for lunch. Evidently, Don Julio’s or whatever that other place was called has terminated their endorsement deal with Spencer. Stephanie looks ravishing as ever in a bland, shapeless gray frock over black leggings (which do NOT count as pants, everyone! Okay?!). She slumps down onto a seat and he asks if this is going to be a “poor me” lunch. “No, I just don’t know what to do,” she moans. He asks who with. “With Cameron!” she replies, all “duh!” about it.

“Wait, who?”

Remember? That guy who was in one episode earlier this season? Who looked (and acted) like an angry elf and pussied out in front of the almighty Broday? Yeah, I only remembered because he was in the intro to this episode. Steph explains that they’ve broken up, like, 4 times but they always get back together. Sounds like a familiar tale. Evidently, though, they keep breaking up because he never wants to drive to her house, and she’s always driving to his house. Let me repeat that. Actually, no, I’ve already wasted too much typing power on that. What drama those two have! I bet they’re fireworks in the sack. Spencer offers some supportive, brotherly advice, which disturbs me. Maybe Stephanie has a will we don’t know about.

“Then we fought over dryer sheets vs. fabric softener. It was just awful!”

“Go be a nun. Go join a nun’s…” umm, convent? Volunteer organization? Foam party? “… thing.” Eh, I guess that’ll do. My standards for the English language are supremely lowered while watching this show. Although Spencer does have that good advice, he also has the nerve to reprimand her with this little gem (his slurring, not mine): “Do you know how immature and stupid this relshnship sounds from an outside perspective? Obviously, this relationship is not meant to be.” What the fuck?? I really wish that Spencer would be visited by his future self, a la “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” so that Future Spencer could say that exact sentence to himself.

“WAIT FOR ME, HEIDI!!!”

At PR, Whitney is excitedly telling LC her big news about the DVF opportunity, and LC is so thrilled that she decides to take a big, long sip of her iced coffee before fully reacting.

“(I’m supposed to be happy, right? I should say I’m happy for her?)”

She tries to transform her envy into a happy face until Whit tells her she’d be moving to New York. “Whit!…” LC pouts, as though this is just something Whitney’s done to piss her off. “I’m sorry, I’m so happy for you, I’m just…” LC says unconvincingly. They talk more about the trip, which will only be for a day, and Lauren remarks that Whitney HAS to see you-know-who dot-dot-dot. “Yeah, Jay? Yeah, at least for a second,” Whitney agrees. “Ohhhhhh!” Lauren coos. “Dream boy, dream job!” folding into Fairy Tale Pose.

Yoga For Misguided Young Ladies.

Later, Stephanie and Camwrong walk toward the entrance of a restaurant. Well, Stephanie walks, Camwrong marches/trudges/stomps beside her like… an angry elf! I’m sorry, that’s all I see when I look at him. Stephanie warns her date that their company (Spencer and Heidi) don’t know he’s coming. “They’ll be so hap-peeeeee.” Lying bitch. She’s throwing a skinned rabbit into a Von Dutch-infested shark tank. As expected, Spencer hassles Camwrong, and Stephanie chides Spencer for embarrassing her. Like we don’t all know it’s a setup.

He’d make a great abusive boyfriend for Lo.

And back to Laguna we go. LC has enlisted her fellow Beach-er, Lo, to help pack up her old bedroom. They enter the house and hug Dad and MILF. The elder Conrads explain that they just want a smaller house, now that all the kids are grown. This is so goddamn boring. Nobody cares. The girls head upstairs while Lo chirps, “I LOVE to pack!” Maybe that’s why she and LC are such good friends.

In the big city of New York, Whitney is rocking an adorable belted black dress for her interview at DVF. She waits patiently until an assistant fetches her. Oddly, take-charge rock music plays throughout the whole sequence. Perhaps this signifies how confident Whitney feels at her interview. Perhaps Whitney is confident that she’ll get the job because she’s on television and just signed on to have her own show.

It’s kinda freaky that Elizabeth the assistant looks and is dressed a whole lot like Whitney. Like this is some sort of tall blonde recruitment center (although, I suppose that’s what a fashion designer is, right?).

“Greetings, my great and worthy opponent.”

“… And up here is where we train all of the Stepford assistants.”

Sooo… ummm… Whitney nails the interview. ‘Nuff said?

Take a good look at this face. This is the Bitch Boss-to-be for “The City.”

Although I do have to say, she fails to mention that approximately 60% of her current job consists of gossiping with her girlfriend and deskmate. But whatev’s. We all leave some things out during those important meetings.

Oooh, they’re both wearing black fuck-me heels. It’s totes meant to be!

Next we go to Stephanie’s house, where she’s donning the most breakup-y of outfits. Tell me, has anybody out there who has ever had a not-yet-serious relationship ever worn something like this for any purpose other than breaking up?

If she really loved him, she’d open the door naked.

Sure enough, it’s Camwrong, and they retreat to the breakup couch. Steph tells Camwrong that it’s not working out. He says they need to compromise and work things out. She says she doesn’t know how it got so bad. Are you serious, MTV? Are you serious? Why are you doing this to us? Even if this was a real relationship, you haven’t shown us enough of it to justify showing us the breakup. WE DON’T CARE. I swear to Reality TV Jesus, this is the most lackluster, meaningless and fake breakup to which my eyes and recapping skillz have ever been subjected.

Give this girl an Emmy. And a guest role on “All My Children.”

And onto an equally boring topic… LC packing up her childhood belongings. LC reads aloud from her diary: “This weekend I am grounded for bad grades, surprise surprise.” I’m willing to wager that was written last week. Actually, the one glimmer in this pile-o-shit of an episode is the moment LC unearths her very first cell phone.

“Boy, I sure hope Zack Morris calls me back!”

Then she finds her will. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, LC, at the age of 16, wrote a will in case she died, apologizing to her mother and declaring love for her father (kinda creepy). I think we can all agree she’s a little more morose than other girls. At least, that’s what I think until she reads aloud her stipulation that she be buried in her homecoming dress and crown. She does, however, tear her will away from Lo and commands her not to read the back. Wonder what’s on the back?

“I hereby bequeath all of my belongings to my secret lover, Kristen Cavallari.”

They head out to the deck for one last look and wistfully remember all the keggers they used to have there. LC remarks that because of this, L.A. is more her home now. “OUR home,” she clarifies, going for the sentimental. “God, we’re not THAT old!” Lo groans, breaking the moment.

I feel like they’re standing in front of a giant Thomas Kincaid beach landscape.

Back in The City, Whitney’s about to leave her interview. Looks like the producers gave someone a tip-off.

Awww, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone get that title.

Jay comes ’round to give her a hello and they hug and look at each other all giggly and googly and have trouble making conversation. He compliments her dress. Then he runs his hands through his hair. It looks really soft.

Omigod DO ME!

She talks about her interview, then they look at each other with major sex eyes. They kind of grab each other awkwardly and he asks what she’s doing for the rest of the day.

“Say me. Say me. Say me.”

“Ummm… I’m gonna umIt’s really good to see you,” she mumbles giddily, interrupting herself. They can’t stop touching each other. They sway back and forth and look into each other’s eyes and I feel like I’m watching Mormon porn.

Oh yeah…

That’s it, just a little more…

MONEY SHOT

He puts her in a cab and she drives into the sunset (or at least to JFK). That’s the end of the most boring episode of the entire series. I defy you to find a more boring episode. I mean, I know that seems like an easy challenge, but honestly, people… a fake breakup with some guy we all forgot about? LC’s parents moving? Blahdrina still showing off her new house? Give me a fucking break, MTV. You’d better make up for it with the wedding of the century next week. I recapped this episode in the span of one Sierra Nevada – no joke. As I swallow the last sip, please enjoy these screengrabs of everyone feeling sorry for themselves, but not sorry enough to whine aloud. See you on the boards! XOsnapp