The Hills: Here Comes Trouble, And It’s Wearing A Stupid Hat

Somewhere, Lorenzo Lamas is turning in his fashion grave.

Tonight’s episode of “The Hills” taught us that everything happens for a reason, and when one door closes, another one opens. Or, wait, no… actually, everything happens because your life is controlled by a television team and when one door closes, all other doors will surely slam shut around you. Unless the slamming door is Blahdrina, in which case it will be left ajar.

We open in a cozy nook of People’s Revolution, which at first glance looks a lot like the familiar space of the Teen Vogue Intern Holding Cell. I smell a soundstage. LC explains the whole Heidi/Blahdrina situation to the sympathetic ear of Whitney, who nods and “oohs” and “ahhs” like a good pal (or supporting actress) should. Lauren makes a good point about how it’s tough because it’s both of their houses and Blah should be able to do what she wants, but, like, LC doesn’t want crappy people’s crappy auras infecting HER house either. You know, I once almost moved in with a vegetarian… until she informed me that even I wasn’t “allowed” to keep any meat or meat products in the house. I suppose it’s no different with shitty friends (but then again, I never moved in with the nut).

“I finally memorized our aerial ribbon routine. Now we just have to decide on an outfit.”

When you’re single, every night is girls’ night out, and tonight is no different for the five heroines of “The Hills.” LC can’t wait to go out, as lately she’s been feeling rather “(shake head and wag tongue outside of mouth, rolling eyes back in head)”. I can only assume that’s as wretched a feeling as the previously-described-by-Lo “ugghnnhh-ness.” But tonight that will all change, because tonight the bar they will surely see at least one surprise guest, and hopefully the Fro Guy, at is Goa, rhymes with boa (not like goat without the t). Lo is over at the L-A house, looking as alert, wide-eyed and fresh-faced as ever. She’s truly the anti-Blahdrina. There are some heavy decisions to be made here, like which space coordinates to jump to, which Chinese consulate to attack, and how to find the Asian sword guy who can bend time and space. Just kidding, they actually just need to decide what to wear. Blahdrina suggests she and LC wear the same dress, to which Lauren scoffs condescendingly and shakes her head knowingly to Lo.

“Fuckin’ amateur.”

They babble about pretty much nothing interesting, including how LC got a fan-fucking-tastic grade on her computer test. Woo! Now you’re a certified user of Microsoft Word. Congrats. She demands accolades from both girls and repeatedly calls Bladrina “woman,” as though she a) is a caveman b) is a misogynistic husband from the 1950s or c) can’t remember Bladrina’s name. Any way, she’s got her reasons. Meanwhile, Lo practices her newfound “judgemental” expressions (gearing up for some drama, we
can only hope) until she pipes up, “Hey, maybe Heidi will be there tonight!” Crickets…

“What? Not funny yet?”

At the apartment owned by one of two calculating blondes (either Spencer or Heidi, I’m not sure who it actually belongs to), Heidi is having a similar fashion conundrum, interrupting her own speech about the importance of going out to decide on a pair of skank shoes. I tells ya, this episode is already one big “Sex and the City” homage. If a trailer for the movie airs during this episode I call bullshit. But perhaps it’s all part of a deeper allegory for their love lives. Because, as we all know, choosing a good pair of shoes is just as hard as choosing a good man! EXCEPT IT’S NOT.

“My parents will love the ballet flats, but these drive me wild in bed.”

Stephanie keeps yapping about how great it is to go out on Thursday, because Goa’s the best on Thursday, Thursday Thursday Thursday. “Literally, EVERYONE goes on Thursday,” she says, nodding authoritatively. Perhaps that’s true. Perhaps they found a way to cram all of the world’s six billion people into this fab new club for one unforgettable night in L.A. “You don’t think Lauren would go with Blahdrina, do you?” Heidi asks fearfully. Are you fucking kidding me? Why would Blahdrina go anywhere without her master? Heid doesn’t seem to be too worried though, because she’s deluded herself into thinking that LC’s problem was only with Spencer, and that she never did anything wrong (like be a shitty friend, ditch LC and make up rumors about her) so LC should be fine with her now. “It was so long ago, and it had to do with…” Heidi’s voice trails off, which prompts an odd expression from Stephanie. It’s somewhere between concern and a snarl.

“It’s okay. You can say it. Just say beef curtains. Just say it.”

At the large-capacity club Goa, the Capulets (LC, Lo and Blah) and the Montagues (Heidi, Stephanie) sit on opposite sides of the room. Steph gets right down to business and announces she’s just spotted “Blahdrina’s ex-boyfriend.” And there’s your surprise guest! I’m sorry Brody, Spencer, Kristin Cavalleri and Bobcat Goldthwait, you’ll all have to come back another night.

And take your friend Tackleberry with you.

LC is busy recounting a hilarious story in which she saw a guy at the bar, and thought she knew him, but then it turns out it wasn’t who she thought it was! Ha ha ha ha ha! Maybe it was Justin Bobby, formerly known from his childhood in “Peanuts” comic strips as Pigpen. Stephanie remarks to Heidi that LC and the gang look like they’re in a good mood. Hey I know! Why don’t we go ruin it for them? LC says she’s going to step out for a second, and I sense some tension with the threesome when she asks Lo to come along but not Blahdrina. Eh, maybe Blah’s just the designated vodka guard.

“More for me!”

Seeing that the bunny has been left out in the open alone once again, Heidi moves in for the kill, under the guise that she wants to warn her about Pigpen. She strolls over and they seem to have revived their BFF-ness because they’re big-huggin’ and squealin’ and everything. She tells Blah that “Justin-Bobby is here.” That’s kind of weird, considering that that was a nickname that Lo and LC came up with for him, and supposedly she and Blah just became friends again. Maybe she’s a dedicated viewer as well. Blah doesn’t seem to be very surprised, upset or nervous upon receiving this news, but Heidi offers her bodyguarding services nevertheless. “Eh, he probably won’t even come up,” Blahdrina says nonchalantly. Ha! Have you ever even SEEN this show?

Well, I’ve seen this show, and one thing I know for sure is that they overdub approximately 60% of the dialogue. I’m getting really frustrated by the fact that when we hear LC say “Oh my God, Heidi’s at our table,” or anything to that effect, we never see their mouths. We usually just see reaction shots, or people’s heads in front of faces. It just makes the editing look sloppy, when it’s actually the editing that makes the show. I kind of wonder if the whole cast gets together and has a great time with one another during the re-recording sessions.

“I’m gonna pretend like I’m talking to you… just smile and nod. They’ll come up with something for me to say later. I hope this was long enough to be moving my mouth.”

In any case, Queen Bee Lauren returns to the hive and demands that everyone scootch over to make room for her. She complains to Stephanie about Heidi but come on! This group is so incestuous that you should thank your lucky stars that doesn’t show up in your shower.

Just then, Pigpen slogs over and even Stephanie is awed by his gall to sit at their table and talk to Bladrina like she’s just going to forgive him or something (she is, for the record, just going to forgive him). But, no worries… Heidi steps up as the hostess with the mostest and introduces herself, sitting him down square between her and Blahdrina. She uses this opportunity to not ask him any questions about himself or even talk about his relationship with Blahdrina, but to insult LC by talking to him about how she and Blahdrina were friends way before she and LC were, and then this whole mess got started with blah blah blah blah blah. Pigpen is as bored as any stoner dipshit would be by a vapid bitch who can’t stop talking about herself.

A match made in selfish, soulless heaven?

This is all too much for LC, who gives the “oh no she di’int” eyes and departs from da club, leaving behind Blahdrina with her arm around Pigpen and a renewed friendship with the devil herself.

The morning after, Heidi and Steph recap the night. Steph thinks some really good progress was made with LC, to which Heidi laughs the way a prom queen laughs at a nerdy girl’s overalls. It’s the condescending “you’re such an adorable idiot” laugh, complete with hair adjusting.

“What, did your mom make those for you?”

At the L-A hizzy, Lauren is DOING HER OWN NAILS. Is that even legal in L.A.? Lo stops by and they chat about their respective days at the office. “I worked so hard!” Lo giggles, ever so chipper. I wish I felt like that when I came home from work. LC asks her to bring over a water bottle (not very eco-friendly, Conrad!) and they chat about traffic. Something weird is going on here. This must be leading to something. Hey. It’s like THEY’RE roommates. Speaking of which, Lauren suggests that they should all live in one big house together. What a fab, original idea! She thinks it’s time because at this place she’s been feeling, you know, “(hunches over repeatedly)”. Totally. Lo asks who else they should live with, and Lauren says, “Blahdrina!” Duh!! But Lo seems surprised, and is really getting her disapproving look down pat. Hmmm, does Miss Sunnyside not like a certain Miss Gloomyface?

“Haven’t you noticed the droopy eyes?”

“Maybe she’ll bring both Heidi AND Justin-Bobby home!” she squeals sarcastically. Lo, you just described an MTV producer’s wet dream. But enough about Lo. Who cares about her when you’ve got the return of the most disgusting character to hit the supposed Hollywood Hills to rejoice in? At Republic, Blahdrina musters up as much “anxiety” as she can in anticipation of Pigpen’s arrival. He enters wearing the same outfit as the night before. Pigpen isn’t quite as scruffy as the last time we saw him. He cut off some of his hair (finally put those styling skills to good use!) and demoted his nasty heroin-addict beard to a mere Spencer-esque pubestache.

Pigpen and “There Will Be Blood” : Who inspired who?

Blahdrina breaks a cardinal desperate-girl rule and tells him he smells good. Ladies, never tell an ex they smell good unless 1) you definitely want to have sex with him or 2) you definitely know there’s no way in hell you’ll be having sex with him. If you’re living in any kind of gray area, you’re at risk to get this response (and fall for it): “Huh. I haven’t showered in weeks.” and it will likely be because you are the kind of person who dates assholes. Now Pigpen knows she wants him AND he still gets to act like he doesn’t care. Their conversation becomes vomit-inducing in less than 2.5 seconds (a new world record! Watch out, Spencer and Heidi!) when he talks about his motorcycle and says he bets she misses it. She tries to look coy. “Kyumm onnn… a lettle bet?” he taunts flirtatiously. “A little bit,” she caves. Oh Blahdrina. You really need a vibrator. At least that kind of dildo pulsates.

How many cows had to die for this scene?

“Nobody’s been on it since you,” Pigpen continues. “I got a solo seat, nobody’s been on it.” Ugh. Is he really talking about his motorcycle or is this douchespeak for his cock? They talk about his beach house and stuff, and he starts using words like “priorities” and “regroup.” Mayhaps our knight has gotten himself an office job? Eventually (of course) she brings the conversation to her drama with LC and Heidi, as Pigpen listens disinterestedly. He, in turn, talks about how much drama HE has caused in her house (and he clearly loves it). They both laugh as though nothing dramatic will ever happen with him again. Ah ha ha! Jolly good. They both confessed they’ve missed each other. Sigh. “Sooo… what are gonna do later tonight?” he asks as he bites his lip and she guzzles her monster Cosmo.

“I’m getting laid. You?”

The next morning Blah comes out to the kitchen to have a diet-safe breakfast of 1/2 a grapefruit with Lauren. She’s bumping into things and seems unfocused, so
either she’s sex-dazed and glowing or just hung over. I can’t tell which. They recap the Big Dinner and hail Pigpen for his lack of burping in her face while she talks. Hell yeah, the guy deserves a fucking medal. If he pulled her chair out for her he might be eligible for sainthood. When LC asks for confirmation that they are “good at being friends.” Blahdrina gives her classic, silent “Ummmmmm…” pause. You know the one. We’ve already seen it five times this season. It’s the wheels slowly turning in her head to figure out if she should lie. It’s the “Should I tell her Heidi and I are friends again again/Heidi sat on her couch the other day/Heidi and I got drunk and made out last night?” It seems LC is going about the whole defending-her-friends thing differently this time. Instead of confronting her outright, she judges with a wink and a smile.

“It’s like… Pinkberry-on-leather good!”

Blahdrina compares it to LC’s relationship with Jason, but LC says she didn’t keep going back to Jason (but didn’t she? That was at least a twice-go-rounder). This gets Blahdrina all defensive, so she does the only thing she can to piss Lauren off: she classifies Heidi as a friend. OUT LOUD.

“That’s the last time I smile to get what I want.”

You know, I feel like there’s been something missing from this episode. Let’s see… feuding friends (check), a nightclub confrontation (check), and plenty of jovial passive aggression (check). We even have the return of a prick ex-boyfriend. But something just doesn’t feel complete. *gasp!* I know what I need!

Manipulative Condescension!

Spencer is getting fatter and fatter lying on the couch at the Aryan compound (I sure hope that “24″ marathon is almost over) when someone knocks on the door. Answering it, he passes the most boring-ass Paris poster of all time, which I can only assume Stephanie got in the art section of Bed, Bath and Beyond, and utters his favorite phrase when speaking to loved ones: “Well, well, well, look who it is.” THERE ARE FUCKING CAMERAS IN YOUR HOUSE, WE CAN SEE WHO IT IS!

He sighs that Stephanie isn’t at home and asks what he can do for her. She tries to play it off like she came over to see how he’s doing, but he sees through it, talking to her like an evil, quietly scheming bad guy from a cartoon. “You came here to see Stephanie, but now you’re acting like you’re here to see me. What’s goin’ on?” I’ve just realized that blatant boasting of the upper hand can be made more frustrating only by speaking in quiet, saccharine tones.

Blondie plays the only card she has left: the victim card. She tells him the saga of the Goa night, her face slightly (slightly!) drooping into what could resemble an expression of sadness or some other negative feeling. I wonder if she’s trying to use the Stephanie/LC storyline as a way for her and Spencer to reunite, if only in shared hatred. Even so, it’s not gonna work, because Spencer is no longer required to give a shit, or even pretend to. “I know you wanna vent about this, but… I have no sympathy for you.” Ha ha! I really don’t ever want to like Spencer, and never thought I would, but I kind of like this sassy, honest side of him. Or maybe I just like it when Heidi gets taken down a peg.

“Are you done talking? There’s a ‘Law and Order’ marathon coming up on TNT.”

“It was great to see you!” he calls as she lets herself out. “You look great!” Well, she IS wearing a slammin’ pair of short-shorts, so we’ll give her that. I’m only surprised that he didn’t say, “I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.”

Across town at the Spanish Kitchen (ironically touted as “Authentic Mexican Food”… which is more than we could say about Don Antonio’s) Lau and Lo are having some kind of Latin food, and apparently Lauren has borrowed one of those hideous hats from Whitney.

I hate to say it, but I think Pigpen wore one of these last season.

They chat about whether to ask Blahdrina to live with them and Lauren hypothesizes that if they all live together, every night will be like the first night they all met Pigpen. They laugh about how “fun” that would be and LC says, “I guess they aren’t all dirty. Justin-Bobby was just exceptionally dirty.” Lo cuts her off to squeal “HEYYY!!!” to an approaching Blahdrina, sort of a warning siren of pure girliness. They call her Sweetie, and I’ve never fully understood why girls are so bitchy behind each other’s backs only to turn around and act like they’re each other’s favorite people on the planet.

“Whatcha talkin’ about?”

Blah orders “whatever they’re having, plus the soup.” Lau and Lo exchange looks. What? What’s the matter with that? Has she strayed from the grapefruit diet? The costume designer has really outdone herself today, representing Lauren and Lo’s solidarity by putting them both in white, and Blahdrina’s “black sheep” status by dressing her in a black tank top. Well done! She’s different. I totally get it now. As such, the two in white gang up on Blah about Pigpen with a few meaningful questions and long silences. Finally, Lo prompts Lauren to bring up the housing situation with an awfully Stepford look. Oddly, Lo has to do only that, give one look, and LC acts immediately. Is Lo the one turning the screws here?

She’ll make a perfect wife someday.

Well, really, this whole housing business has a lot less drama than the “Next Week On”s would have you believe. (are you surprised?) They bring it up very tactfully, and LC dances around the issue for a bit, then finally LC asks her (without actually asking) to move with them. And she says yes. Lo sighs, “Yea… I’m so excited…” followed by this look across the table to Lauren:

“There goes my plan for the Blonde Haus.”

…followed by a full thirteen seconds of shots of the three of them looking at each other awkwardly. It’s extraordinarily uncomfortable, but then again, all thirteen seconds of it could have been compiled of unused reaction shots.