It’s only three episodes old, but The Hills is rapidly becoming the guilty pleasure of the summer. I know, I know. There are a lot of other candidates out there, but c’mon, how could anyone not revel in the quagmire of stupidity that is Heidi? She’s a nonstop trainwreck — constantly oblivious to what anyone thinks or could think about her behavior. That’s why I feel so guilt-free in bashing her. She doesn’t care what other people think. Heck, I’m not sure she can even read. All that matters to her is getting into that club, and she doesn’t care if she sasses the #1 club man in Los Angeles if that’s what it takes. Yes, Heidi began her dream job with Brent Bolthouse this week, and as one might expect, the dream turned out to be a nightmare — that is, if you consider the smallest iota of personal responsibility a nightmare. Do you see what we have to live with out here, people? Do you?This week’s episode began with the typical recap narrated by LC. We relived that joyous moment when Heidi managed to snag an entry-level position with Brent Bolthouse, but Lauren then warned us: “Now Heidi was about to realize that her party job might not be such a party after all.” Yikes. Sounds like she’s in store for a bigger wakeup call than the time she discovered that the Carebears were not, in fact, an applicable college major.
Anyway, we then found LC and Heidi hangin’ out in the apartment, getting ready for the big days in front of them. LC was going to school. Heidi was going to work. The girls were starting bold new chapters in their lives, and yet tension hung in the air. “You’re not really mad at me for not going to school anymore, are you?” Heidi asked. Based on Lauren’s glowering eyes, I would take that as a big, fat, passive-aggressive “YES I AM.”
But instead, LC replied, “It’s kind of weird because the reason you came to L.A. was to go to school.” No, LC. The reason she came to Los Angeles was to be famous and go to clubs. Haven’t you been paying attention?
Nevertheless, Heidi then began yammering on about what would surely be the bestest job ever: working for dreamy Brent Bolthouse (swoooon). She said she was so excited, prompting LC to ask, “What are you excited to do?” Uh… stuff? Heidi replied that she thought the job would be all about celebrities and clubs and whatnot. She also added, “By the way, I’m a huge moron.”
Okay, she didn’t say that. But she did squeal, “It’s my first real job!” Yay! And it’s not even a real job! Good for you, Heidi! Herc-ules! Herc-ules!
We then sat through the tiresome opening credits (the only detraction of the show) and learned the title for this episode: “An Unexpected Call.” Ooh. Sounds mysterious. I didn’t know what that call could be beyond Jason checking in on LC (as seen in promos all week), but in case that wasn’t it, here were my guesses for unexpected calls:
- “Hello, Heidi? This is Yale. You’ve been accepted.”
- “Hello, Heidi. We are confirming that you will be attending Oprah’s Legend Ball this weekend.”
- “Hello, Heidi? Your theorem is being published! Congrats!”
I’m putting money on #2. Anyway, we then headed to the wonderful world of Teen Vogue where LC was busy doing all sorts of important things like… putting a shirt on a rack. Suddenly Blaine paged her into his office. Perhaps he was inviting her to a three-way with Lisa Love? No, nothing as salacious as that, but certainly no less exciting: LC was to courier a dress to New York via a red eye leaving that night. Awesome! But wait, what about schoolwork? Eh, homework schmomework. When Lisa Love says she wants a dress, SHE GETS A DRESS! Besides, it’s not like FIDM will ever kick LC out if her grades start to slip. She’s probably boosted applicants by 300% now. And honestly, can the homework assignment really be that demanding anyway? I’m sure it’s something like “What does the J in J. Crew stand for?”
Now that I’ve insulted fashion students everywhere, let’s just move on. Remember our dear old friend Audrina? Well, she was hard at work manning the phones for Quixote studios when all of a sudden Brian, fledgling Hollywood social climber, walked in the front door. “You’re probably like ‘What the heck is he doing here?’” he joked. Our thoughts exactly. What was he doing there? Oh, that’s right. He allegedly has a crush on Audrina. Or as I like to call it, “an undying desire to be on TV, even if that means banging the random sidekick girl that no one cares about.”
Anyway, Brian explained his pop-in to Audrina, saying, “I saw the huge billboard, “Quixote,” and yeah, I was like right down the street.” You see, Brian often wanders into buildings after reading billboards, which would explain that awkward incident in West Hollywood. Needless to say, he won’t look at that “Boomer’s Backdoor Alley” billboard the same way ever again.
Well, Audrina took Brian on a tour of the studios, showing him the very same soundstages where many a photo shoot have taken place on America’s Next Top Model. On that day, Maxim was doing a pictorial, which allowed Brian to say his smooth line of the day: “Do the models get mad that the receptionist is hotter?” Audrina giggled and gave him that “Stop It!” face, which, of course, means “MORE! MORE!!!!!”
We then headed back to LC and Heidi’s apartment at the Hillside Villas (although, anyone who knows Los Angeles condos can see that they clearly live in The Palazzo, which incidentally are not in The Hills, but I digress). Anyway, LC walked into the apartment holding the Holy Dress of Lisa Love, causing Heidi to look away from the piece of tinfoil in the corner and exclaim, “WHAT IS THAT?”
“A dress,” LC answered, and I shit you not, Heidi replied, “You brought me a present? I love you!” Now, I know there’s a chance that Heidi was merely joking, but I had a feeling she sincerely thought the dress was for her. She probably thought LC had scoured the city for this gift, a token of apology for questioning Heidi’s decision to quit school. Nevertheless, LC informed her clueless friend that she had to escort this dress across the country to her boss, which left one major question to be asked: like omg! What should she wear on the plane??
Well, Heidi recommended crappy clothes for the flight, and then a cool outfit to change into at the terminal. Like best idea ever! Heidi then gushed, “You’re working there for like two days, and you’re already like jetsetting!” Like OMG! We can thank the MTV cameras for that. Come to Teen Vogue, children! You’ll be partying at the Roosevelt and flying across the country in no time! Unless, of course, you don’t have a popular reality show documenting you. Then you’ll just be stuck scrubbing Lisa Love’s corn-infested feet all day.
We then headed to Los Angeles International Airport (I’m surprised they didn’t try to pass it off as Burbank, cheap editors!), and while LC checked in on her flight, Heidi and Audrina had a heart-to-heart in their apartment swimming pool. Heidi complained about how guys from North Carolina and such always act like they’re so nice and wonderful when really they just want to get laid. Well, what did she expect? Did she really want a guy to say, “Hi, I’m a total douchebag who’ll treat you terribly. I just want to have sex with you. So what do you say? Giddyup?” By the way, as amusing as it was to watch Heidi bash guys from North Carolina, she seemed to have forgotten that her luvah, Jordan, was from, you know, North Carolina. Oops!
Anyway, conversation then returned to Heidi’s controversial choice to drop out of college. “Why would I go to school when I already have my dream job?” she asked, somehow divining that the position she had yet to start would somehow be perfect. Well, if Heidi was feeling any doubt about the whole FIDM situation, Audrina put her at ease. “I dropped out too! I was going to OCC.” Great. They’re all dropouts and proud of it — Audrina, Jordan, and now Heidi. To be fair, I could understand Audrina’s plight. Community college isn’t easy, especially with its rigorous demands of “taking classes” and “showing up and stuff.”
The good news was that Audrina at least was applying herself in a nine-to-five (or six, rather) job. She understood the value of networking to some degree and told Heidi, “You’re gonna benefit from [your job] and meet so many people.” To which Heidi replied, “I just want to get into some clubs!” Yeah! Who cares about furthering your career? Get me a shot of Patron!!!
We then saw LC stepping onto her American Airlines flight with the dress. Oh man. This is so what it was like when I got onto a plane when I was nineteen! This show just gets it right!
After the break, we found LC waking up to sunshine on her flight. We also heard the same exact music from sister-show 8th and Ocean playing in the background. Gosh, really cutting corners now, huh? Borrowing from the non-Laguna spawn. That would be like 90210 lifting something from Model’s Inc.. Anyway, LC’s flight landed, and she changed in the bathroom while back in La La Land, Heidi arrived at Bolthouse Productions for the first day of work. She met Brent’s assistant Landon, who despite the name was a girl, and then Heidi sat down with the boss-man to learn her responsibilities. Brent dropped the not-so-bombshell news that this would be a Monday through Friday job, and if Heidi had had some water in her mouth, she would have spat it all over the trendy concrete floor. MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY??? What sort of dream job was this??? “I didn’t know it was like full time. I thought that when you hired me, it was part time,” she stammered. Yes, Heidi, the thing with “real jobs” is that they’re usually every day.
By the way, if you were to ever get a foot in the door of a company and industry that you’d love to be in, and when you arrive you find out that the job’s full time, not just a few afternoons a week, wouldn’t you be really psyched? Why would Heidi ever open her mouth about the hours? Oh, that’s right. She’s an IDIOT.
Anyway, Brent told her that she’d basically be doing errands all day long. A paid intern, essentially. Whatever department needed help was where she’d be working. I’m shocked she didn’t then raise her hand and ask, “Where’s the Meeting Celebrities department?” Nevertheless, Heidi was then given her first task. Ahem, her first DISGRACEFUL task: stuffing envelopes and — wait for it, wait for it — sealing them!! Heidi solemnly began this Sisyphean task, and oddly enough, the producers set this scene to hard-rockin’ guitars, almost as if to say, “Sealing envelopes… TO THE EXTREME!!!”
We then got to see some of the other disenchanted workers stuffing envelopes, and it became abundantly clear that Heidi simply did not fit in. Everyone was all trendy and punk-ish as opposed to Heidi who looked better suited to go galavanting in Forever 21.
Well, as you could imagine, Heidi was not happy with this arduous job. She tried to make small-talk with a girl next to her, who turned out to be an intern from FIDM, but the conversation pretty much ended when Heidi happily announced that she just dropped out from FIDM. See kids? Why bother with an unsatisfying and unpaid internship when you can just quit school and get full-time job in the same field instead?
Back in New York City, LC navigated through the tough streets in search of one Lisa Love. Where could she be? Perhaps she was passed out in the nether regions of Anna Wintour’s opium den. Actually, she was chatting away with someone at the Marc Jacobs show in Bryant Park. LC finally found her boss and awkwardly stood by her side for about a minute until Lisa acknowledged her presence with a terse “thanks.” And with that, LC was sent off, told to return to Los Angeles that night. C’mon, Lisa. This is a reality show. Where’s your fairy tale spirit? Can’t you at least ask LC to hang out a bit, trail by your side? Alas, it was not meant to be. LC was just a glorified courier. Glad all those questions in the job interview about writing have really come into play.
LC: The Invisible Intern!
Poor Lauren. I think she really did expect to be taken under Lisa’s wing (maybe if she hadn’t let Heidi into the party two weeks ago…). Nevertheless, unlike dumb Heidi, LC simply smiled and hid her disappointment, sadly returning to the private car that awaited her. Oh, what horrors! She must ride around in a comfortable and roomy Towncar ALL DAY LONG! Has this world no mercy??
The Devil wears ridiculous sunglasses.
Meanwhile, Heidi was so bored that she escaped to the bathroom so she could make a clandestine call from the toilet stall. “It’s so boring. This is my nightmare job,” she told LC on the phone. And yes, it had only been about two hours. Who would have thought the dream job would turn into the nightmare job so quickly? Oh, that’s right. EVERYONE.
Let’s hope that plunger doesn’t get put to use, mmkay?
LC then expressed fear that her own internship would be too demanding, especially with school. And on that note, we went to a commercial break again. Upon return, we found Heidi finishing up her first boring day at Bolthouse. Before leaving, however, she poked her head into Brent’s office to speak to him for a sec. Uh oh. If she quit, I would be equal parts dismayed and tickled. However, Heidi didn’t quit. Instead, she came perilously close to being fired by telling Brent once again, “I didn’t know that it was like full-time.” He gave her the old “It’s called a job. LOOK INTO IT” bit (not his exact words, but close enough), and eventually, Heidi began to ramble. “I didn’t know that. Coming in, I just kind of thought it was a little bit different, and I didn’t really realize that I want to do it, and I’m excited to do all the events and stuff, and that’s part of what I want to do with my life, and I just didn’t really understand that I was going to be stuffing envelopes,” she said. If it were me, I’d probably fire her on the spot for being such an idiot. But we have to remember that this is The Hills, not real life. Brent and his associate reminded Heidi that before she could walk, she had to crawl, and she eventually left the meeting unconvincingly stating how much she wanted to still work there.
Frances McDormand is NOT impressed.
Later, we caught up with Audrina and Brian as they went on a date to a local Japanese barbecue spot on Los Angeles’s famed Restaurant Row. Things went as predicted, and by that, I mean that the waiter ruthlessly undercut Brian’s manhood. You see, he tried to order a green apple beverage of some sort, but the waiter simply laughed and said, Only women order that… or gay men.” Oh SNAP! Taken down by wait staff. Best restaurant ever! Nevertheless, Brian would not be swayed with his choice, and he resolutely ordered his green apple whatever (insert Japanese word for “Martini” here).
With that out of the way, the two lovebirds engaged in some scintillating conversation. And by “scintillating conversation,” I mean Brian saying, “I really like your hair, by the way.” Yeah, these two were meant for each other.
Audrina then shared her goals and ambitions with Brian. She wanted to downgrade from her full-time job to a part-time position (someone on The Hills wants less responsibility? Why, I NEVER!!). Plus, she wanted to get an agent and go to castings and go to acting school and cure cancer and create world peace and end hunger. Just the usual sort of stuff.
After dinner, Brian followed Audrina to her apartment, and of course, she let him in. Unfortunately, the cameras didn’t follow, which I thought was pretty cheap. I guess I’m too used to the happy exploitation as seen on The Real World.
We then saw the moon go down and the sun come up, and at 6:30 AM, an alarm suddenly went off, and two people groggily stirred awake under the sheets of a bed. Oooh, Audrina! You tramp, you! You let him enter your Quixote studio, didn’t you! Ah, but wait! Those people waking up weren’t Audrina and Brian. They were Jordan and Heidi. Nice fakeout, producers! Very nice!
Well, Heidi had to get up and go to work, but Jordan wasn’t happy about that. He implored her to stay in bed all day instead. “Quit,” he said. Seriously, these people all really know how to look out for each other’s best interests, don’t they?
Amazingly, Heidi didn’t cave into her boyfriend’s tempting wishes. She showed up at work, and it was a good thing, too! Landon was gone for the day, which meant that Heidi had to step up and do some real assistant work. She needed to book travel for Brent and two other people — something that any assistant will tell you is a pain in the ass, no matter how smart you are. I couldn’t even imagine how Heidi was going to handle this task. Oh, and Brent was hungry too. GET HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS A SANDWICH!
Meanwhile, LC returned to the apartment after a long day of jet-setting, and guess what she found? AN UNEXPECTED CALL! Yes, as we’d seen all week long, Jason, her former flame from Laguna, had left a message on the answering machine. I think this was supposed to be a big twist to end the show, but, well, did I mention those MTV promos?
As the half hour wrapped up, we then found LC back at school and Heidi stuck at work. Oh, the rigors of the real world! Heidi in particular was struggling just to make it through the day. On the upside, she did something assistant-ly and filled out a work calendar. Unfortunately, it wasn’t for her boss. It was for her. And all it said each day was “9am Start work. 6 pm Finish work.” GREAT. Way to be on top of that. Actually, it was good that she wrote it down. Otherwise, she could have been sitting at that desk all day and never started work.
The real question is this: at what time does her brain turn on?
LC meanwhile sat in school, and while some girl presented her “trend book” to the class, LC couldn’t help but stare out the window longingly. The producers tried to have us believe she was distracted with thoughts of Jason, but I had a feeling it had more to do with her just spacing out. I mean, she did just fly to and from New York in the span of 24 hours. Or, hey, maybe she was just really bored in class. Not every trend book is as fascinating as it sounds. And they do sound quite riveting.
What did you think about this episode? Thoughts on Heidi?