Like OMG! Did you even SEE The Hills tonight?? It was like all about the holidays! LC was all like “I want to buy Jason diamonds” and Jordon was like “He’ll love those: and Heidi was like “I want a puppy” and Jason was like “Huh?” and Heidi was like “I always cry at Christmas!” and then Jason was like “Who’s calling you, LC?” and LC was like “Why are you mad?” and Whitney was like, well, she wasn’t in it, but then Jason was like “How about a friendly relationship! You make mistakes!” and LC was like “I’m going home!” and Jason was like “Let’s kiss!” It was so romantic!
Yes, it was a drama-filled holiday episode tonight, and what started out as a joyful embrace of the Christmas spirit ended with jealousy and tears at a New Years party. Such a shame. I really thought the gang would be able to enjoy the festivities with the sort of drama-free maturity that often accompanies “real life.” Oh well. Guess you can take the kids out of Laguna, but you can’t take the Laguna out of the kids.Tonight’s episode began with LC and Jordon heading to a jeweler to pick out a Christmas gift for Jason. As they headed inside, Lauren revealed that all she wanted was a “drama-free New Years kiss.” Ha. Good luck with that, Missy. Do you like how I just called her “Missy”? It was very Kaz and George. Don’t worry, it’ll make more sense later.
Anyway, LC and Jordon browsed some designer dog tags, and by “designer dog tags,” I mean “extravagant, diamond studded dog tags.” You know, not your standard military issue. I’m not sure why LC felt like dropping a few C-Notes on a Jason gift again, especially after she had purchased that swanky golf set for him, but I guess when you’re an intern at Teen Vogue, money just seems to grow on trees!
Nevertheless, LC and Jordon were both quite excited by a dog tag adorned with black diamonds. “Those black ones are SICK!” Jordan exclaimed. I personally thought they should have opted for white diamonds, but that’s only because I really wanted Elizabeth Taylor to appear and whisper, “WHITE DIAMONDS!” In fact, every time Jason puts on his dog tags, I want her to appear behind his neck and whisper “WHITE DIAMONDS” in his ear.
By the way, let’s clear one thing up: there’s really nothing more poseurish than wearing dog tags when you haven’t been in the military. Especially dog tags with diamonds. Just putting it out there.
Anyway, Jordon then suggested that LC inscribe her name in the back of the dog tags, but she thankfully scoffed at the idea, saying it was cheesy. Besides, she noted, if they were to break up, then he couldn’t wear them. Ah, FORESHADOWING! Well done, MTV!
Speaking of foreshadowing, after the opening credits, we learned this week’s ominous title: “Somebody Always Has To Cry.” Ah, what lachrymal fate was in store for our heroine? Would LC discover Jason cheating on Jessica again? Or might he leave her for a gnarly piece of salmon? Surely, this could only lead to drama.
But for now, it was good times in Hollywood. In what looked like it could have been part of a 1980s sitcom opening credit montage, the gang all strapped a Christmas tree to the top of an SUV and then drove off to LC’s apartment. As many of you know, one of our favorite pastimes here at TVgasm is poking holes in this LIE that The Hills actually takes place in The Hills. Well, further cementing our case was that after securing the Christmas tree to the car, the kids drove east on Third Street, rather than making a left on Fairfax and heading north to the Hollywood Hills. Once again, further proof that LC lives at Park La Brea (on Third Street) and not the Hollywood Hills. Sorry, had to put that out there. For all you non-Angelenos, I apologize for the local banter.
Click the map to see the dubious Christmas tree route!
Anyway, we then headed over to the apartment where LC was decorating a tree for the first time in her life. Apparently, her mother never let her even touch the tree growing up. Yes, she was a full-on Christmas tree Nazi. I’d love to hear LC’s inevitable, teary-eyed therapy confessions later in life: “My mother, she never let me hang ornaments on the tree. I just wanted to hang one, dammit. Just one. But I never could. That’s why I sleep around.” Oh man, if she were on Starting Over, Iyanla would totally have her decorate a Christmas tree, except instead of hanging ornaments, she’d be hanging balls that said “Resentment” and “Selfishness” and “Pity.” That would be the best!
But I digress.
As LC and Jason and Jordon all festooned the tree with various items, Heidi took a breather and sat back at the couch. Then suddenly she blithely revealed a disturbing little insight to her life by saying, “I feel like it’s Christmas at home. Somebody always has to cry.” To which everyone was like “Uh… no. No one cries.” Yes, apparently Christmas is a time for tears and sorrow in Heidi’s family. But before you jump to conclusions, please note that the tears aren’t caused by abuse or alcoholism. No, it’s only because of standard materialistic impulses. Heidi elaborated, “I always cry at my Christmases… because I never get the present I want.” Seriously, someone just whack her with a frying pan. She then said, “Oh my God. You guys have to tell me your families cry at Christmas sometimes.” And again everyone shook their head and said no. Sorry Heidi. Your family is dysfunctional. Merry Christmas!
By the way, amidst this conversation, I think I heard Heidi mention that her sister’s name is Holly. That’s right: Heidi and Holly. If that’s not awful enough, I think I have an idea of who her sister might actually be:
If you don’t get this reference, consider yourself lucky.
The next morning, LC and Heidi headed off to one of my favorite spots (until Oprah made it impossible to get into), Doughboys. As they sat down, Heidi expressed extreme displeasure at the lack of holiday spirit in L.A. “It’s so weird,” she said. “Like, in LA no one thinks it’s Christmas!” I like the implication that it’s somehow different 90 miles south in Laguna Beach. C’mon Heidi. It’s not like you’re from some snowy corner of Vermont filled with carolers, gingerbread men, and yuletide spirit.
Funny how people seem to do this when they talk to Heidi.
Nevertheless, the girls then talked about Jason’s extravagant diamond dog tag gift, causing Heidi to remark, “Do you know how jealous Jordan is?” Exactly what isn’t Jordan jealous of? Aside from people with actual careers, that is.
Heidi then asked LC what she wanted for Christmas, and she responded that she just wanted something for the apartment. This caused Heidi to comment, “You know you’re growing up when you want stuff for your apartment. Instead of like toys and clothes. I’m not there yet.” She then added, “I want Barbie!!!” Okay, she didn’t say that — at least, not on camera.
Actually, what Heidi really wanted was a puppy. You know, something she could dote on that wouldn’t in turn pass judgment on her extreme stupidity. I personally felt sorry for any pet that would be spending its entire life under the care of Heidi. Welcome to hell, PUPPY.
Later, the action shifted to The Grove (a large, ornate shopping mall in Los Angeles) where we saw a random morbidly obese person riding a trolley. I don’t know how that happened. There aren’t fat people in Los Angeles. Must have been a tourist. Anyway, the two power couples — Laurason and Hordan — were staring at the Grove’s trademark fountains when suddenly… snow in Los Angeles! Yes, it was snowing! Oh wait — we then cut to a wide shot and saw a not-so-hidden snow machine belching forth fake snow on the unsuspecting Grove dwellers. Sure enough, the whole gang loved this little treat and basked in the whole romantic moment. It really would have been a lovely scene if only Jason and Jordon weren’t such complete douchebags. Oh well.
Back at the apartment, the two couples exchanged gifts under the Christmas tree. Jason absolutely couldn’t believe the dog tags. He loved them, but then again, he often gets excited over shiny objects. Nevertheless, Jason never saw an expensive gift he couldn’t go ga-ga over, and so he kissed his girl friend on the lips, thus extending his devotion to her for about three minutes. Then it was time for Jordon to unwrap his present from Heidi. As he opened the small box, I half expected him to pull out a note that said, “I want a puppy. “, but instead, he found… a chain. Oh wait, it was a chain bracelet. Awesome, man! (Not really).
Jason and LC then revealed that their gift to him would be a tattoo, which was great because it was the last thing he needed before officially joining the Hollywood poseur elite. Heidi then opened up her present from Jordan, and it was… a plush dog. Oh. How wonderful. The boys both get jewelry, and Heidi gets… a stuffed animal. Okay, to be fair, anyone with half a brain cell could predict that this was just the precursor to a real puppy, but Heidi didn’t have that half a brain cell, and so her face became immediately crestfallen. Let the Christmas tears roll!
As for LC, Jason got her a new bag, just like she had wanted. What a wonderful Christmas! Except for Heidi, that is. Her present sucked. Or did it??? Sure enough, just when Heidi was about to commence bawling, Jordan walked into the room holding a big box with holes in it. What was inside? A hamster? A rabbit? Jordan’s laundry? No. Inside was a puppy! Yay! But don’t start saying “awww” just yet. I don’t know dog breeds very well, but this puppy looked like the type that would grow up to be like Paris Hilton’s dog, Tinkerbell. Of course Heidi would have the most annoying type of dog EVER.
With good cheer and the faint aroma of non-fat eggnog filling our nostrils, we went to commercial, and when we returned, it was suddenly a very rainy New Year’s Eve. I remember it well. I stepped in a giant puddle and was very unhappy about it. But enough of my puddle-grumbling. LC and Heidi headed to the salon to get their hair did, and we learned that they’d be hanging out that evening at the hottest eighteen and over club, Lobby. Well, I didn’t know for sure if it was eighteen and over, but if these kids were all getting in, I just had to assume so. After all, what upstanding business would ever allow illegal, underage patrons?
Anyway, while Lauren sat in the barber’s chair, Jason sent her a text message that was not unlike these newfangled “poetic” spam emails I’ve been receiving lately. Here, let’s do a test. Try to guess which of the following passages is not spam but in fact Jason:
- “Drop dead. So I get back, and there’s a surprise for me–emigration has been stalker, no grumbling now, you knew what you were getting into.”
- “He looked Arthur over. He looked at Arthur’s back again and watched through squinted eyes as undulated, and tiny rainbows exploded and died in the air.”
- “I can’t do it without that. I’ve been you have to tell them.”
- “Austin isn’t a bad guy, he’s got the right mix of courage and thought.”
- “I’m glad u liked him I saw what he looks like haha good taste.”
The answer: “I’m glad u liked him I saw what he looks like haha good taste.” Yes, the others were spam — not that it was hard to figure out. Jason would never have been able to use the word “emigration” and the whole “tiny rainbows exploded and died in the air” is way too evocative for his verbal skills (but nice imagery, randomly generated spam email!). Anyway, point is that Jason sent a cryptic, bizarre text message that quite frankly made no sense to me. Before we could get any explanation, we headed off to the gym where Jason and Jordan were casually lifting weights in their trendy workout wear.
“Remember that guy David?” Jason asked. Uh no. I don’t remember him at all. Well, apparently David called LC up that day, and this was significant because the two used to “hang out” (read: have wild, crazy sex) when Jason and LC were broken up. J-Wahl was not happy about this phone call, and even less happy that LC deigned to answer it. THE WHORE! Only skanky ho’s use “common courtesy” and “answer phones”!
Well, back to that text message. Turns out it was Jason’s passive-aggressive way of telling LC he was pissed about the whole David thing. LC couldn’t understand why he was so ticked off, but Heidi actually brought up a salient point. Yes, I used the words “Heidi” and “salient” in the same sentence (without adding the additional words, “is not”). She noted that since Jason himself has been one to cheat, he essentially expects the same behavior from LC. Listen, J-Wahl. Maybe you should take a good long stare at your diamond-studded dog tags and shiny new golf clubs before you start accusing LC of being unfaithful.
Nevertheless, Jason then called up LC and was being all pissy. When she asked what she had done wrong, he merely hung up the phone in anger. Well played, Jason. Well played. This just sent Heidi and LC buzzing even more, and their stylists, Kaz and George, couldn’t resist joining in (especially Kaz). It’s hard to describe these two guys. Let’s just say they were sort of like the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of The Hills.
Anyway, Lauren began babbling away about David and Jason and blah blah blah, and while Heidi chimed in to fill in the details, my mind started to wander. What was Lisa Love doing for New Years? She was probably on a yacht in the Mediterranean, sipping a white wine spritzer and enjoying some sautéed langoustines. Either that or she was plotting out the next mundane, transcontinental errand for LC. Either way, she was having a blast, I decided.
Later that night, we found Jordan and Jason primping in front of a mirror, clearly unaware that they both looked like two idiots — especially Jordan with his dumb top hat. The two guys clearly thought they were the shit, and as they exited the apartment building, Jordan swung his arms around with bombastic flourish — as if to say, “I am one suave dude.” Unfortunately for him, while he was in the middle of this little routine, he full-on slipped and fell on his ass, a fate that was both hilarious and deserving. Seriously, it was awesome. And I’ll just say it: I’m sure it wasn’t the first time he’d left his apartment with Jason and a sore ass. ZING!
At Lobby, the two couples happily sauntered into the VIP section and promptly began partying. Heidi and Jordan looked like they were having fun, but LC and Jason, well, they were kind of in a fight on account of his jealous behavior earlier. I don’t know if J-Wahl had been snorting some coke in the bathroom or what, but he was certainly very talkative this evening. He asked LC if she was gonna be angry with him, causing her to sigh her usual lie, “I’m not angry.” That’s right. She’s not angry. She’s VERY angry.
Well, I don’t know what happened, but Jason suddenly blurted out, “Know what I want to talk about? A friendly relationship. Just being close friends.” Hmm… sounded like breakup talk. LC replied, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” To which Jason mysteriously said, “You’ll find out.” Okay, this made no sense to me, but I was enjoying it nonetheless.
Jason then said, “I told you we’d have a good New Year’s. I’m not saying anything after, but I’m saying we’ll have a good New Year’s. I’m not saying it’s going to end up good though.” Ouch. Pretty harsh words (assuming you can understand JasonTalk, and I think I can). How about he hands back over the dog tags and golf clubs before he starts mouthing off to LC any more?
With LC reeling from what sounded like a breakup, Jason suddenly said, “I love you.” He then leaned in for a kiss, and with Lauren on the verge of tears, she pushed him away, causing him to insist, “I didn’t do nothing!” What?? He didn’t do anything? After basically implying that their relationship was kaput, Jason then acted as if he hadn’t said anything at all that would make LC bust out into tears. What an idiot.
Nevertheless, after Jason said “I didn’t do nothing,” LC replied, “Yeah, you did.”
“I did?” Jason then asked. Seriously, the guy is a total moron (and/or ridiculously high on coke).
“Don’t sit here and like threaten to break up with me tomorrow and then say let’s have a good night tonight,” LC said, causing Jason to reply with… silence and a vacant stare. I think he was still trying to figure out what “tomorrow” meant.
LC then asked why Jason would say what he had said, and then he had the balls to say, “Woobie, I never said that.” And no, I had no idea what “woobie” meant. I’ll assume it was his pet name for Lauren, but it very well could have been some word he thought he had learned.
Anyway, Lauren grilled Jason with all sorts of questions (What did I do wrong? What do you want me to say? What does Woobie mean?), but he just was unable to follow what she was saying (again, the coke factor). She then asked if he would have preferred that she had lied about the David situation and never told him, to which Jason replied with, you guessed it, “uh…”
Again, LC asked him what he wanted her to say, and he finally had a response: “How about you listen and not talk ever again!” Well, that was an odd request. NEVER TALK AGAIN, LAUREN! Seriously, the way she runs her mouth, he never gets a mumble in edgewise.
Jason then continued to stick a giant foot in his mouth as he said, “Everyone I talked to agrees with me that you were wrong.” Somebody remind me again why LC took back this schmuck?
Amazingly, LC actually apologized for her behavior, not that it mattered. Jason yelled, “Why do you apologize? You do it all the time!” Yeah, what was up with her crazy “apologizing”? Who does that? It’s almost as if she “cares” about how other people are “feeling.” Whatevs, looney tunes.
Lauren then said that she didn’t want Jason angry with her, to which he replied — and this is rich — “You keep making mistakes over and over, Lauren!” Yes, mistakes. Like the time she made that mistake of catching Jason hooking up with his ex-girlfriend. Or the time she made the mistake of leaving a very important photo shoot so she could be ignored at Jason’s birthday party. Or the time she made the mistake of spending hundreds of dollars on gifts for Jason, just so he could turn around and act like a dick to her. Seriously, LC really needed to get her act together.
Thankfully, Lauren did what we were hoping she’d do: leave the club. She hailed a cab, and being a surprisingly good friend, Heidi jumped in with her and the two left the club. Man, it wasn’t even midnight yet. Like OMG! Would LC ever get her drama-free New Year’s kiss?
After the commercial break, we went back to the club where Jason suddenly realized that maybe he had kind of made a mistake (and subsequently ruined his chances of getting laid that night). “I really messed up. How should I fix this?” he asked Jordan. Luckily his bud had great advice. He told J-Wahl to just tell LC that he loved her and he totally understood and they’d talk about it later. Jordan then took a step, slipped, and fell on his ass. Okay, not really, but I was really hoping for an encore.
Well, Jason called up LC on her phone, but she wouldn’t take the call. With only twenty-four minutes left until midnight, time was running out to make this the most perfect New Year’s ever. There was only one thing to do: buy a bunch of flowers, hop in a limo, and race to LC’s apartment. This was so OC season one.
Over in the cab, LC and Heidi joked that they’d be kissing each other on New Year’s — an event that surely would raise the ratings by a share or two. They then noted that they only had twelve minutes left before midnight. Tick tock tick tock… Man, if only we cared!
As time kept on ticking away, Jordon dispensed more advice to Jason. He told him to grab LC, put her on the bed, and make love to her. Yes, nothing says kiss and makeup like a little late night rape. At 11:57 PM, as the limo approached LC’s apartment, Jason called her up and told her to come downstairs. Lauren told him to come upstairs. “If you love me, you’ll come down,” Jason replied. Yes, he was making demands of her, even though she was the one he was apologizing too. Nevertheless, because ultimately LC is completely weak to Jason’s airhead charm, she conceded and walked down to the parking garage with Heidi. With just a minute left until New Year’s, Jason ran up to LC with the flowers, urgently said, “I’m so sorry. I love you,” and then pretty much attacked her with a kiss. I half expected him to growl, “YOU WILL HAVE MY NEW YEAR’S KISS!!!” Oh, and I’m sure she really appreciated that Jason smoked a cigarette just seconds before the smooch. Tasty!
“She’ll never resist my tobacco kiss.”
Cigarette in the mouth, cigarette in the hand, top hat on the head: can you say romantic?
Suddenly, the ending credits began to roll, and it became clear that everything had been smoothed over. Yes, the big fight was over. Kind of lame. As the show ended, Heidi then called out, “Happy New Year’s!” I would really classify it as “happy.” More like “terrible.” But hey, it was fun times for us.
What did you think about this episode? Why does Lauren keep taking Jason back?