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Thursday, July 13, 2006
1:56 am
74 Comments
Like OMG! Did you even SEE The Hills tonight?? It was like all about the holidays! LC was all like “I want to buy Jason diamonds” and Jordon was like “He’ll love those: and Heidi was like “I want a puppy” and Jason was like “Huh?” and Heidi was like “I always cry at Christmas!” and then Jason was like “Who’s calling you, LC?” and LC was like “Why are you mad?” and Whitney was like, well, she wasn’t in it, but then Jason was like “How about a friendly relationship! You make mistakes!” and LC was like “I’m going home!” and Jason was like “Let’s kiss!” It was so romantic!
Yes, it was a drama-filled holiday episode tonight, and what started out as a joyful embrace of the Christmas spirit ended with jealousy and tears at a New Years party. Such a shame. I really thought the gang would be able to enjoy the festivities with the sort of drama-free maturity that often accompanies “real life.” Oh well. Guess you can take the kids out of Laguna, but you can’t take the Laguna out of the kids.Tonight’s episode began with LC and Jordon heading to a jeweler to pick out a Christmas gift for Jason. As they headed inside, Lauren revealed that all she wanted was a “drama-free New Years kiss.” Ha. Good luck with that, Missy. Do you like how I just called her “Missy”? It was very Kaz and George. Don’t worry, it’ll make more sense later.
Anyway, LC and Jordon browsed some designer dog tags, and by “designer dog tags,” I mean “extravagant, diamond studded dog tags.” You know, not your standard military issue. I’m not sure why LC felt like dropping a few C-Notes on a Jason gift again, especially after she had purchased that swanky golf set for him, but I guess when you’re an intern at Teen Vogue, money just seems to grow on trees!
Nevertheless, LC and Jordon were both quite excited by a dog tag adorned with black diamonds. “Those black ones are SICK!” Jordan exclaimed. I personally thought they should have opted for white diamonds, but that’s only because I really wanted Elizabeth Taylor to appear and whisper, “WHITE DIAMONDS!” In fact, every time Jason puts on his dog tags, I want her to appear behind his neck and whisper “WHITE DIAMONDS” in his ear.
By the way, let’s clear one thing up: there’s really nothing more poseurish than wearing dog tags when you haven’t been in the military. Especially dog tags with diamonds. Just putting it out there.
Anyway, Jordon then suggested that LC inscribe her name in the back of the dog tags, but she thankfully scoffed at the idea, saying it was cheesy. Besides, she noted, if they were to break up, then he couldn’t wear them. Ah, FORESHADOWING! Well done, MTV!
Speaking of foreshadowing, after the opening credits, we learned this week’s ominous title: “Somebody Always Has To Cry.” Ah, what lachrymal fate was in store for our heroine? Would LC discover Jason cheating on Jessica again? Or might he leave her for a gnarly piece of salmon? Surely, this could only lead to drama.
But for now, it was good times in Hollywood. In what looked like it could have been part of a 1980s sitcom opening credit montage, the gang all strapped a Christmas tree to the top of an SUV and then drove off to LC’s apartment. As many of you know, one of our favorite pastimes here at TVgasm is poking holes in this LIE that The Hills actually takes place in The Hills. Well, further cementing our case was that after securing the Christmas tree to the car, the kids drove east on Third Street, rather than making a left on Fairfax and heading north to the Hollywood Hills. Once again, further proof that LC lives at Park La Brea (on Third Street) and not the Hollywood Hills. Sorry, had to put that out there. For all you non-Angelenos, I apologize for the local banter.
Click the map to see the dubious Christmas tree route!
Anyway, we then headed over to the apartment where LC was decorating a tree for the first time in her life. Apparently, her mother never let her even touch the tree growing up. Yes, she was a full-on Christmas tree Nazi. I’d love to hear LC’s inevitable, teary-eyed therapy confessions later in life: “My mother, she never let me hang ornaments on the tree. I just wanted to hang one, dammit. Just one. But I never could. That’s why I sleep around.” Oh man, if she were on Starting Over, Iyanla would totally have her decorate a Christmas tree, except instead of hanging ornaments, she’d be hanging balls that said “Resentment” and “Selfishness” and “Pity.” That would be the best!
But I digress.
As LC and Jason and Jordon all festooned the tree with various items, Heidi took a breather and sat back at the couch. Then suddenly she blithely revealed a disturbing little insight to her life by saying, “I feel like it’s Christmas at home. Somebody always has to cry.” To which everyone was like “Uh… no. No one cries.” Yes, apparently Christmas is a time for tears and sorrow in Heidi’s family. But before you jump to conclusions, please note that the tears aren’t caused by abuse or alcoholism. No, it’s only because of standard materialistic impulses. Heidi elaborated, “I always cry at my Christmases… because I never get the present I want.” Seriously, someone just whack her with a frying pan. She then said, “Oh my God. You guys have to tell me your families cry at Christmas sometimes.” And again everyone shook their head and said no. Sorry Heidi. Your family is dysfunctional. Merry Christmas!
By the way, amidst this conversation, I think I heard Heidi mention that her sister’s name is Holly. That’s right: Heidi and Holly. If that’s not awful enough, I think I have an idea of who her sister might actually be:
If you don’t get this reference, consider yourself lucky.
The next morning, LC and Heidi headed off to one of my favorite spots (until Oprah made it impossible to get into), Doughboys. As they sat down, Heidi expressed extreme displeasure at the lack of holiday spirit in L.A. “It’s so weird,” she said. “Like, in LA no one thinks it’s Christmas!” I like the implication that it’s somehow different 90 miles south in Laguna Beach. C’mon Heidi. It’s not like you’re from some snowy corner of Vermont filled with carolers, gingerbread men, and yuletide spirit.
Funny how people seem to do this when they talk to Heidi.
Nevertheless, the girls then talked about Jason’s extravagant diamond dog tag gift, causing Heidi to remark, “Do you know how jealous Jordan is?” Exactly what isn’t Jordan jealous of? Aside from people with actual careers, that is.
Heidi then asked LC what she wanted for Christmas, and she responded that she just wanted something for the apartment. This caused Heidi to comment, “You know you’re growing up when you want stuff for your apartment. Instead of like toys and clothes. I’m not there yet.” She then added, “I want Barbie!!!” Okay, she didn’t say that — at least, not on camera.
Actually, what Heidi really wanted was a puppy. You know, something she could dote on that wouldn’t in turn pass judgment on her extreme stupidity. I personally felt sorry for any pet that would be spending its entire life under the care of Heidi. Welcome to hell, PUPPY.
Later, the action shifted to The Grove (a large, ornate shopping mall in Los Angeles) where we saw a random morbidly obese person riding a trolley. I don’t know how that happened. There aren’t fat people in Los Angeles. Must have been a tourist. Anyway, the two power couples — Laurason and Hordan — were staring at the Grove’s trademark fountains when suddenly… snow in Los Angeles! Yes, it was snowing! Oh wait — we then cut to a wide shot and saw a not-so-hidden snow machine belching forth fake snow on the unsuspecting Grove dwellers. Sure enough, the whole gang loved this little treat and basked in the whole romantic moment. It really would have been a lovely scene if only Jason and Jordon weren’t such complete douchebags. Oh well.
Back at the apartment, the two couples exchanged gifts under the Christmas tree. Jason absolutely couldn’t believe the dog tags. He loved them, but then again, he often gets excited over shiny objects. Nevertheless, Jason never saw an expensive gift he couldn’t go ga-ga over, and so he kissed his girl friend on the lips, thus extending his devotion to her for about three minutes. Then it was time for Jordon to unwrap his present from Heidi. As he opened the small box, I half expected him to pull out a note that said, “I want a puppy. 
“, but instead, he found… a chain. Oh wait, it was a chain bracelet. Awesome, man! (Not really).
Jason and LC then revealed that their gift to him would be a tattoo, which was great because it was the last thing he needed before officially joining the Hollywood poseur elite. Heidi then opened up her present from Jordan, and it was… a plush dog. Oh. How wonderful. The boys both get jewelry, and Heidi gets… a stuffed animal. Okay, to be fair, anyone with half a brain cell could predict that this was just the precursor to a real puppy, but Heidi didn’t have that half a brain cell, and so her face became immediately crestfallen. Let the Christmas tears roll!
As for LC, Jason got her a new bag, just like she had wanted. What a wonderful Christmas! Except for Heidi, that is. Her present sucked. Or did it??? Sure enough, just when Heidi was about to commence bawling, Jordan walked into the room holding a big box with holes in it. What was inside? A hamster? A rabbit? Jordan’s laundry? No. Inside was a puppy! Yay! But don’t start saying “awww” just yet. I don’t know dog breeds very well, but this puppy looked like the type that would grow up to be like Paris Hilton’s dog, Tinkerbell. Of course Heidi would have the most annoying type of dog EVER.
With good cheer and the faint aroma of non-fat eggnog filling our nostrils, we went to commercial, and when we returned, it was suddenly a very rainy New Year’s Eve. I remember it well. I stepped in a giant puddle and was very unhappy about it. But enough of my puddle-grumbling. LC and Heidi headed to the salon to get their hair did, and we learned that they’d be hanging out that evening at the hottest eighteen and over club, Lobby. Well, I didn’t know for sure if it was eighteen and over, but if these kids were all getting in, I just had to assume so. After all, what upstanding business would ever allow illegal, underage patrons?
Anyway, while Lauren sat in the barber’s chair, Jason sent her a text message that was not unlike these newfangled “poetic” spam emails I’ve been receiving lately. Here, let’s do a test. Try to guess which of the following passages is not spam but in fact Jason:
- “Drop dead. So I get back, and there’s a surprise for me–emigration has been stalker, no grumbling now, you knew what you were getting into.”
- “He looked Arthur over. He looked at Arthur’s back again and watched through squinted eyes as undulated, and tiny rainbows exploded and died in the air.”
- “I can’t do it without that. I’ve been you have to tell them.”
- “Austin isn’t a bad guy, he’s got the right mix of courage and thought.”
- “I’m glad u liked him I saw what he looks like haha good taste.”
The answer: “I’m glad u liked him I saw what he looks like haha good taste.” Yes, the others were spam — not that it was hard to figure out. Jason would never have been able to use the word “emigration” and the whole “tiny rainbows exploded and died in the air” is way too evocative for his verbal skills (but nice imagery, randomly generated spam email!). Anyway, point is that Jason sent a cryptic, bizarre text message that quite frankly made no sense to me. Before we could get any explanation, we headed off to the gym where Jason and Jordan were casually lifting weights in their trendy workout wear.
“Remember that guy David?” Jason asked. Uh no. I don’t remember him at all. Well, apparently David called LC up that day, and this was significant because the two used to “hang out” (read: have wild, crazy sex) when Jason and LC were broken up. J-Wahl was not happy about this phone call, and even less happy that LC deigned to answer it. THE WHORE! Only skanky ho’s use “common courtesy” and “answer phones”!
Well, back to that text message. Turns out it was Jason’s passive-aggressive way of telling LC he was pissed about the whole David thing. LC couldn’t understand why he was so ticked off, but Heidi actually brought up a salient point. Yes, I used the words “Heidi” and “salient” in the same sentence (without adding the additional words, “is not”). She noted that since Jason himself has been one to cheat, he essentially expects the same behavior from LC. Listen, J-Wahl. Maybe you should take a good long stare at your diamond-studded dog tags and shiny new golf clubs before you start accusing LC of being unfaithful.
Nevertheless, Jason then called up LC and was being all pissy. When she asked what she had done wrong, he merely hung up the phone in anger. Well played, Jason. Well played. This just sent Heidi and LC buzzing even more, and their stylists, Kaz and George, couldn’t resist joining in (especially Kaz). It’s hard to describe these two guys. Let’s just say they were sort of like the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of The Hills.
Anyway, Lauren began babbling away about David and Jason and blah blah blah, and while Heidi chimed in to fill in the details, my mind started to wander. What was Lisa Love doing for New Years? She was probably on a yacht in the Mediterranean, sipping a white wine spritzer and enjoying some sautéed langoustines. Either that or she was plotting out the next mundane, transcontinental errand for LC. Either way, she was having a blast, I decided.
Later that night, we found Jordan and Jason primping in front of a mirror, clearly unaware that they both looked like two idiots — especially Jordan with his dumb top hat. The two guys clearly thought they were the shit, and as they exited the apartment building, Jordan swung his arms around with bombastic flourish — as if to say, “I am one suave dude.” Unfortunately for him, while he was in the middle of this little routine, he full-on slipped and fell on his ass, a fate that was both hilarious and deserving. Seriously, it was awesome. And I’ll just say it: I’m sure it wasn’t the first time he’d left his apartment with Jason and a sore ass. ZING!
At Lobby, the two couples happily sauntered into the VIP section and promptly began partying. Heidi and Jordan looked like they were having fun, but LC and Jason, well, they were kind of in a fight on account of his jealous behavior earlier. I don’t know if J-Wahl had been snorting some coke in the bathroom or what, but he was certainly very talkative this evening. He asked LC if she was gonna be angry with him, causing her to sigh her usual lie, “I’m not angry.” That’s right. She’s not angry. She’s VERY angry.
Well, I don’t know what happened, but Jason suddenly blurted out, “Know what I want to talk about? A friendly relationship. Just being close friends.” Hmm… sounded like breakup talk. LC replied, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” To which Jason mysteriously said, “You’ll find out.” Okay, this made no sense to me, but I was enjoying it nonetheless.
Jason then said, “I told you we’d have a good New Year’s. I’m not saying anything after, but I’m saying we’ll have a good New Year’s. I’m not saying it’s going to end up good though.” Ouch. Pretty harsh words (assuming you can understand JasonTalk, and I think I can). How about he hands back over the dog tags and golf clubs before he starts mouthing off to LC any more?
With LC reeling from what sounded like a breakup, Jason suddenly said, “I love you.” He then leaned in for a kiss, and with Lauren on the verge of tears, she pushed him away, causing him to insist, “I didn’t do nothing!” What?? He didn’t do anything? After basically implying that their relationship was kaput, Jason then acted as if he hadn’t said anything at all that would make LC bust out into tears. What an idiot.
Nevertheless, after Jason said “I didn’t do nothing,” LC replied, “Yeah, you did.”
“I did?” Jason then asked. Seriously, the guy is a total moron (and/or ridiculously high on coke).
“Don’t sit here and like threaten to break up with me tomorrow and then say let’s have a good night tonight,” LC said, causing Jason to reply with… silence and a vacant stare. I think he was still trying to figure out what “tomorrow” meant.
LC then asked why Jason would say what he had said, and then he had the balls to say, “Woobie, I never said that.” And no, I had no idea what “woobie” meant. I’ll assume it was his pet name for Lauren, but it very well could have been some word he thought he had learned.
Anyway, Lauren grilled Jason with all sorts of questions (What did I do wrong? What do you want me to say? What does Woobie mean?), but he just was unable to follow what she was saying (again, the coke factor). She then asked if he would have preferred that she had lied about the David situation and never told him, to which Jason replied with, you guessed it, “uh…”
Again, LC asked him what he wanted her to say, and he finally had a response: “How about you listen and not talk ever again!” Well, that was an odd request. NEVER TALK AGAIN, LAUREN! Seriously, the way she runs her mouth, he never gets a mumble in edgewise.
Jason then continued to stick a giant foot in his mouth as he said, “Everyone I talked to agrees with me that you were wrong.” Somebody remind me again why LC took back this schmuck?
Amazingly, LC actually apologized for her behavior, not that it mattered. Jason yelled, “Why do you apologize? You do it all the time!” Yeah, what was up with her crazy “apologizing”? Who does that? It’s almost as if she “cares” about how other people are “feeling.” Whatevs, looney tunes.
Lauren then said that she didn’t want Jason angry with her, to which he replied — and this is rich — “You keep making mistakes over and over, Lauren!” Yes, mistakes. Like the time she made that mistake of catching Jason hooking up with his ex-girlfriend. Or the time she made the mistake of leaving a very important photo shoot so she could be ignored at Jason’s birthday party. Or the time she made the mistake of spending hundreds of dollars on gifts for Jason, just so he could turn around and act like a dick to her. Seriously, LC really needed to get her act together.
Thankfully, Lauren did what we were hoping she’d do: leave the club. She hailed a cab, and being a surprisingly good friend, Heidi jumped in with her and the two left the club. Man, it wasn’t even midnight yet. Like OMG! Would LC ever get her drama-free New Year’s kiss?
After the commercial break, we went back to the club where Jason suddenly realized that maybe he had kind of made a mistake (and subsequently ruined his chances of getting laid that night). “I really messed up. How should I fix this?” he asked Jordan. Luckily his bud had great advice. He told J-Wahl to just tell LC that he loved her and he totally understood and they’d talk about it later. Jordan then took a step, slipped, and fell on his ass. Okay, not really, but I was really hoping for an encore.
Well, Jason called up LC on her phone, but she wouldn’t take the call. With only twenty-four minutes left until midnight, time was running out to make this the most perfect New Year’s ever. There was only one thing to do: buy a bunch of flowers, hop in a limo, and race to LC’s apartment. This was so OC season one.
Over in the cab, LC and Heidi joked that they’d be kissing each other on New Year’s — an event that surely would raise the ratings by a share or two. They then noted that they only had twelve minutes left before midnight. Tick tock tick tock… Man, if only we cared!
As time kept on ticking away, Jordon dispensed more advice to Jason. He told him to grab LC, put her on the bed, and make love to her. Yes, nothing says kiss and makeup like a little late night rape. At 11:57 PM, as the limo approached LC’s apartment, Jason called her up and told her to come downstairs. Lauren told him to come upstairs. “If you love me, you’ll come down,” Jason replied. Yes, he was making demands of her, even though she was the one he was apologizing too. Nevertheless, because ultimately LC is completely weak to Jason’s airhead charm, she conceded and walked down to the parking garage with Heidi. With just a minute left until New Year’s, Jason ran up to LC with the flowers, urgently said, “I’m so sorry. I love you,” and then pretty much attacked her with a kiss. I half expected him to growl, “YOU WILL HAVE MY NEW YEAR’S KISS!!!” Oh, and I’m sure she really appreciated that Jason smoked a cigarette just seconds before the smooch. Tasty!
“She’ll never resist my tobacco kiss.”
Cigarette in the mouth, cigarette in the hand, top hat on the head: can you say romantic?
Suddenly, the ending credits began to roll, and it became clear that everything had been smoothed over. Yes, the big fight was over. Kind of lame. As the show ended, Heidi then called out, “Happy New Year’s!” I would really classify it as “happy.” More like “terrible.” But hey, it was fun times for us.
What did you think about this episode? Why does Lauren keep taking Jason back?
74 Comments
Nice recap, B-Side. I can’t say that I’ve ever cried at Christmas, but this group of tools makes me want to break down right here, on the spot, dead in the middle of July.
Thanks B-Side for making my morning coffee hilarious!
When Heidi said she always cried at Christmas, not only did she say she didn’t get the present she wanted, but her sister got all the attention! Ha! I almost died!
Your comment on it was the first time Jordan left the apartment with Jason with a soar ass! Too Funny!
Jason is a psyco! Lauren needs to get away from him! Yikes!
LOL Moments for me:
Welcome to hell, PUPPY.
I really wanted Elizabeth Taylor to appear and whisper, “WHITE DIAMONDS!”
Three cheers for the dude who provides recaps that are ten times as entertaining as the actual show!
I’ve never seen “Laguna Beach” and have never watched “The Hills,” but thanks to these recaps, I’m hooked. I may have to rent LB this weekend.
Lauren actually seems like a pretty decent kid – I wish someone would just grab her and shake her and tell her how much better she deserves to be treated. What on earth does she see in him?? Was their relationship always this one-sided?
[[She then added, "I want Barbie!!!" Okay, she didn't say that -- at least, not on camera.]]
I believe that 100%. I think heidi is the poster child for neglected rich children.
Jason is an idiot. When he kissed Lauren my T.V. fogged with smoke and I smelt nicotine.
I’m pretty sure I read that Heidi is from Colorado, the land of tear-filled Christmases.
My grandmother always crys on Christmas….so Heidi isnt completely bonkers.
SO LC buys really expensive golf clubs, buys pimped out dog-tags, lives in a nice apartment, and drives a beamer, but she never bought a Chanel bag? The letters D-A-D-D-Y come to mind.
Hi-lar-ious re-cap B-side!
Oh yeah and…
“These have always brought me luck…..WHITE DIAMONDS”
Seriously, how f’ed up did jason seem in this episode? He was clearly high/drunk, editing can’t be blamed for his complete lack of an understanding of the situation. I’m surprise mtv actually put an under 21 person that messed up on the air. I guess it makes for good tv!
It seems that LC is trying to buy Jason, with the expensive gifts. What does she see in him? It seems the whole stephen debacle ruined her self esteem pretty bad. Frankly, both Lauren and Heidi are not that pretty, and her lucky they have money.
Dog tags for that mutt, Jason, is perfect. Now LC should have him neutered.
hb
This was THE funniest thing that I’ve ever read!!! I’m at work and I almost peed my pants laughing!!!! When I finally get to watch the episode I know it won’t compare to this recap…
B-Side, my screen was nearly bathed in iced tea due to the Starting Over and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern references.
I fear for that puppy. Just wait ’til it needs to go out or gets sick on Heidi and Jordan’s 8.3 month anniversary (I hear they’re going ROLLER SKATING!)
I always thought that Jason was just an idiot, but he’s really quite unbalanced. Homeboy needs to lay off the nose candy!
honey bunny #11, you hit the nail right on the head with that one.
does anybody else but me think that lc and jason have the most dysfunctional relationship this side of… paula and kieth. no, he doesn’t hit her, but the mental stress he puts her through is straight ridiculous!
and she plays right into it, buying him all lavish these gifts and taking him back and letting him make her out to be the bad guy when he’s the one that’s f-ed up.
at my age it’s easy to look at this show as a bunch of idiotic spoiled rich kids, but it makes my head hurt to imagine the kinds of warped messages that teenage girls get from watching these kinds of shows.
p.s. lc can dish all she wants about kristing trying to sleep her way into being a hollywood A-lister, but at least kristin would never let herself get played this badly on national tv.
oh, thanks for the quick recap b-side
B-Side, assuming your a guy, marry me.
Heidi’s actually from Colorado, so xmas time could diff in SoCal vs CO what w/ the snow and whatnot.
Hilarious recap, B-Side!
I was so grossed out as Jason came racing toward Lauren in the parking lot. She might as well take up smoking herself at this point.
B-Side, the recaps just keep getting better and better. Thanks!
Wouldn’t it be great if Kaz and George (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern) showed up at the end of every episode to “foreshadow” (oooo) what’s next for our star crossed lovers. MTV goes Shakespeare! The puppy could also play well in these scenes, as long as she pees on cue.
yeah, jwahl is all about the mental and emotional abuse and he’s damn good at it. i’d almost like to think that they’re still together for publicitiy/the show, but then that would still leave her w/ being codependent w/ low self esteem; cause no self-respecting person should put up w/ that for a damn month, much less a year. Then again, love does crazy shite to ya. maybe she’s in denial and thinks she’s happy?!
Man, these people are so messed up. How is Jason’s behavior okay with LC? Watching this last night, I kept asking myself if I was supposed to be happy for LC when she got her kiss at midnight or if I should find Jason romantic for pulling it off. I got so involved in the episode, I said out loud ‘That’s so f*cked up.’ And, I was grossed out by that tobacco-flavored kiss but did anyone notice that Jason kept that damn cigarette in his hand while kissing LC? That cracked me up. He obviously knew it would be easy to get LC to forgive him. LC seems like a really nice girl and he is so lame. I’m sure that David guy has a job, why couldn’t LC stay with that one? Is Jason/Teen wolf really that great?!
-Funny recap, B-Side! Thanks for the great morning @ work.
teen wolf…funny!
Hey hb, love your post! (#11) You sure got that right!
OK, props to LC for leaving in the first place. It is atleast a beginning of a backbone. We know Jessica wouldn’t of gone, she’d of stuck around for some more of his abuse.
When Jason asked, “what, what did I do?” You could see the look on LC’s face saying, “RUINING my New Years mother smucker!”
Yeah that smucker was on something but I think it just brought out the inner asshole in him even more.
And I could just taste that cigarette from my screen. URGH!
I think that Heidi deserves a lot of credit after this episode… she may be clueless, but she definitely proved herself as a great friend in a world of self-centered reality stars. I somehow doubt that if the tables were turned, LC would have left Jason to get in the cab with Heidi. Say what you want about the girl, but she’s loyal.
Also, I think Jason was going for the Slash look with that cigarette and top hat – blech.
I must have missed the memo that changed “Christmas spirit” to “show your significant other how much shit you can buy with your parents’ money.”
And man do I hate Jason. Not really for what he is doing to LC, she got herself into it and can get herself out, (if she didn’t have such a Paula-ish love for abuse)but mostly just because I want a Range Rover.
Thanks for the great recap, B-Side! They’re a lot more entertaining than the show itself.
I just loved how one of those poor girls was voicing-over at the begining about how lucky they were to get X-mas and NYE off from their back-breakingly arduous internships.
B-Side you are the greatest!!!
I love this website……
So who were the people getting in the limo with Jason and Jordan?
The scene with Jason and Laurens argument, I was right there with you B-Side, the boy is already dumb as rocks and then whatever he’s on just makes it more painful to watch. He seriously has no clue. And thank you for pointing out Laurens ACTUAL mistakes.
Oh man, if she were on Starting Over, Iyanla would totally have her decorate a Christmas tree, except instead of hanging ornaments, she’d be hanging balls that said “Resentment” and “Selfishness” and “Pity.” That WOULD be the best!
Yes, welcome to hell puppy.
Heidi wanting a puppy made me realize that she’s like a puppy herself. Easily distracted, requires a lot of attention and gives a confused look when confronted with “big” words.
Loved the use of the word “lachrymal.” Ashamed to say I had to look it up. Thanks for entertaining and educating us B-side.
And what is the deal with those prose-y spam emails?
Sweatleaf I was wondering the same thing. When Lauren was leaving the bar you see some guy in a skullcap (I think he was the one sitting next to her the night of Jason’t birthday), then he was in the limo with Jason and Jordan. Who is this strange man?
I nominate Jordan falling on his ass for a clipgasm.
Ms. Tumnus — as soon as we saw it, it jumped to the top of the heap…
Damn skippy. I’ll look forward to it.
Yeesh…and I thought I had ex issues. At least my ex isn’t PERPETUALLY HIGH ON COKE!
Whoever said they worry for the young girls watching this, I agree. In the words of Frenchy from Grease, Jason is an “amoeba on a flea on a rat.” He is “too low even for the dogs to bite.”
B-Side, I am currently studying for the bar exam and am therefore in hell. Thanks for these awesome recaps that make me laugh.
If I ever pass this stupid exam, you can have free legal advice, anytime!
I think of Lauren as a relatively smart young woman. I mean it could be like the ‘fat friend effect’ where you stand next to a fat person to seem skinny, but in this case she stands next to Heidi to appear intellectual,BUT! I just honestly can’t believe she puts up with this guy. I just have a theory that his dong his massive, because that’s all the substance their relationships need.
I am so suprised that LC wasn’t knocked over by Jason’s freaky caveman hug-flowers-and-cigarette attack. I was seriously scared for her. This dude really needs to show some redeeming qualities and soon. Anyone know if they’re still together at the present time?
LC is similar to all other battered girlfriends and wives, they have to have their other halves treating them like crap=love in their eyes.
P.S. I read in an In Style Mag that LC and Jason are living together maybe they should invite Paula and Keith to their next Xmas party.
Jason is the biggest tool…EVA!!!!
Great recap B-side! I look forward to reading your recap every week! On a side note, I remember reading somewhere that Jason’s birthday is in January and so that means that the show is filmed out of sequence? Well, I saw another clue today on the show (re-run)….LC is walking down the street with her Chanel bag 2 or 3 episodes before the Christmas one! Coincidence? I think not…remember LC said she’d always wanted a Chanel bag so she couldn’t have had another one.
So so many comments from this episode…
Jason and Jordan are SUCH rubbers… what guy gets excited to get jewelry for a gift?? And what guy stands on a bridge in a mall and makes out with his girlfriend, occasionally looking over to make sure he out-kisses his other rubber friend and his girlfriend… douchebags!!
And “woobie”??? That is what my 1 1/2 year old daughter calls her favorite blankie. I really can’t stand Jason. For a guy who really has no brain, he’s really good at playing the reverse-guilt game… and sadly Lauren falls for it all the time. I just hope that after seeing all this played out on TV she gets perspective on it and dumps his hyped up ass. Or at least maybe her family will talk some sense into her, since they didn’t like him to begin with.
Also, big props to Heidi for leaving the club on New Years, she really does seem to be a good friend.
And I’m guessing that the random people in the limo were either cameramen or security (since they are kinda famous now).
Did anyone else notice that LC has had that bag in previous episodes even though she only got it for christmas?? This show is so out of order that it drives me crazy.
Also that last picture made me die, i didnt notice last night that he was smoking two cigarettes at the same time. Oh Jason
Plus, I think on last week’s episode (not sure about this) we saw one of the people walking by a dead christmas tree out on the curb.
Another discrepancy- the fashion show for DKNY was supposed to kick off Fashion week, which according to this website http://www.teenvogue.com/magazine/styleblogger/060300mgsb was in March… what’s up with that??
B-Side- I can’t believe you weren’t on top of that one
Poor LC waaaaahhh. Ugh! I hated Jason back when he was with Jessica and then Alex. What do these girls see in him? I really don’t get it.
It bugs me how LC and her crew kept saying “New Year’s” instead of “New Year”. Like: “Happy New Year’s, Jason *click*”. It can’t be regional. I grew up in coastal L.A. and I have never heard this before.
OK – I’ll play Devil’s Advocate and suggest that Heidi’s steadfast friendship may have more to do with face time than loyalty.
Granted, a camera stayed behind at the club with TeenWolf & Jordan but this show is mainly about LC. Heidi is pretty much guaranteed screen time if she’s with LC.
Maybe not if she stays at Lobby with those two knuckle draggin’ troglodytes
B-Side, LOVE the recap!
“If you don’t get this reference…consider yourself lucky.”
Well I just got to know what the picture “Holly” is all about.
I confess! I don’t get the “Holly” reference and I don’t know the meaning of “lachrymal.” On the second, I’ll get the dictionary. Help with the first, please? B-Side, you’re too smarty smart for moi.
That Holly in the photo is Holly from Big Brother 5. She was the most annoying girl EVER.
Watch Big Brother, people!
And thanks for all the compliments! We’ve got two more fun Hills posts coming up today…
Lauren needs some proverbial balls. There is no way in hell I would allow Jason the satisfaction of a making-up the same night after his actions. Stand your ground!
Anyhow, I too covet Jason’s Land Rover…
Jason does serve one purpose-he makes all of the losers I’ve ever dated look like neurosurgeons.
Side bar-ok, I’ve never been to California, and I’m not exactly a geography buff, but after looking at that map-is that park how Topanga’s character got her name on “Boy Meets World?” And if so, what did the creators do, throw darts at a map? Was Corey almost “Burbank?”
As always, great recap B-Side! I don’t watch the show but don’t have to. I never imagined I’d find a reference to the best Shakespearian spinoff characters in a recap for the Hills.
Holy crap, I just brought up “Boy Meets World.” Really, I only watched it when there was nothing else on!
Although I gotta get up really early and it’s 0.10 AM here, I just can’t stop(re-)reading this recap…so addicting, so addicting…
Very funny as usual B-Side! But, seriously, this Lauren-girl doesn’t strike me as completely moronnic…but maybe it’s just her way to bring in ratings and climb up on the Hollywood-ladder.
And by the way, LB Season 3 premieres August 16th! Woo! Can’t wait for those recaps!
It’s normal for me (Florida). It’s a contraction of “New Year’s Eve”.
There’s no way that that midnight kiss was unscripted or not somehow planned out. It was probably MTV’s way of trying to make a “happy ending,” but it was more abusive and disgusting. LC needs a wakeup call.
And I personally thought that puppy was cute.
Hey B-Side, I think it’s definitely worth noting that the bag LC received from Jason as a Christmas gift wasn’t just any old purse…a Chanel bag, especially a big “shopper tote” like that one, will set you back at least a few thousand dollars. I’m 32 years old and I expect I’ll be saving up for about another decade or so before I can afford to sport something like that…BTW, does JWahl even have a JOB???
Am I the only one who wishes this show was an hour long instead of a half hour? I can’t get enough of the insanity!
Jason running with a top hat, roses, and a cigarette in hand was enough to make me laugh out loud. However, not quite as hard as when I laughed at Jordan falling down the stairs. In all honesty though, if I were Lauren I would have punched Jason right in the face then made out with the nearest guy at the club. Although is it possible that Lauren HAS made some mistakes that the viewers aren’t aware of? Did she cheat on him and it wasn’t in the show? It was a fleeting thought while I was watching, but probably not a reality.
By the way, new season of Laguna starts Aug. 16th! Who’s excited?!?
J-Wahl is like the Gilligan of reality TV. He just keeps screwing things up. I’m waiting for him to turn to the camera, shrug his shoulders, and MTV to play the “waa-waa” sound clip. I can’t even fathom what’s going through his coke-filled brain. How in the world did he think he didn’t say anything (unless he forgot what he said a minute ago)?
I loved jordannn’s advice to J-Wahl on how to appease LC: I GUARANTEE that will work. “That”, apparently, ran along the lines of throwing some insincere appeasements her way, followed rapidly by J-Wahl forgiving LC for her transgressions. Nice. (Oh, right. And then molesting her with his coke-numb man missile.)
I can’t help but think that JoRdAn probably got Jason all stirred up in the first place, being no stranger to the irrational jealous fit himself. But the question is, if Mr. Eubanks planted the seed in Jason’s head, (you know, the melon shaped thing behind the scruff?), was it because their animal brains (sorry, redundant) are on the same wavelength? Or is it possible that jordO had a more sinister Iago-esque plan? Maybe he’s jockeying to get a little closer to those dog tags.
TinkerbellAPixie there was also a woman in a blue dress that got in the limo as well…..they really shouldn’t make it so wierd. Just like when they didn’t really show who Jason was talking to at the end of the table during his birthday dinner. Retarded.
What IS Jason doing in LA? He lives there now. Does he work? In school? I doubt it. These tools make me sick.
Love it!
b-side,
love the recap.
ever thought of recapping the overdrive after show?
Jwahl was saying some idiotic things about his car – u would love it!
http://ilovecamping.blogspot.com/2006/07/oh-holy-night-in-hills.html
I know what Lauren sees in Jason: $$$$$$$$!! Remember in LB when he takes her to his grandparents’ house and its that f’ing castle? And that cheesed out kit car he drives her around in? His family is loaded, even by Laguna standards, and hers are pretty well off, too. Remember how Stephen gawked over the house her dad was building? The truth is that Lauren is a big snob and thinks that Jason can maker her the wealthy Chanel-toting long-suffering pampered wife she longs to be. This is why she is always dissing on Kristen too (besides the Stephen factor)–she thinks she’s ghetto. (Kristen’s family isn’t nearly as loaded–recall the big white junker she drove around in for a while before her dad finally bought her something nicer?) Anyway, I have no sympathy for LC. She is a haughty masochistic snot. (Go team Kristen!)
Thanks for the recaps B-side, I’m out of the country and parted from my dearly beloved American reality television–you aree doing a great service to Hills fans world-wide!!!
In LB I never noticed LC driving at all. Most of the time she road around with other people. I don’t think she even got a car until she moved to LA.
I was watching the repeats of all the shows yesterday does LC only own that black shirt or what. That is all she ever has on.
When they got in to the limo that night was the women dressed in Blue Audrina? It looked like the color of her hair and they were about her size.
Holy Moses, B-Side, you’re on fiyah!
“As he opened the small box, I half expected him to pull out a note that said, “I want a puppy.
”
I laughed almost as hard at that line as I did when Jordan fell. I’ve never been more appreciative of my TiVo as I was when he tried to flip his hat and ended up falling flat on his ass. That episode isn’t leaving my recorded list anytime soon.
I’m surprised that nobody else has mentioned how forceful Jason was when he grabbed Lauren’s head and said that she should never talk again. You could just see the rage in his eyes. I’d hate to see what would have happened if there was nobody else around. The whole incident, including his willingness to blame the whole thing on her, seemed like a precursor to more serious abuse. The signs are all there. Way to promote healthy relationships, MTV.
that google map is excellent. i can’t believe you took (and have) the time to create such an indepth piece of skepticism. lovely.
Longtime reader, first time commenter here…I loved how you don’t immediately see the puppy after Heidi opened the box – she had to reach in and grab it.
You’d think that any living creature, after being confined in a dark, one foot-by-one foot space for (I’m guessing) the better part of an hour would immediately gravitate towards the light and other living souls. However, snoop doggy dogg probably took one look at heidi, cowered in fear, and prayed she would be sent back to whatever overpriced pet store Jordan bought her at!
Seriously, is it legal for someone as dumb as Heidi to be in charge of an animal? I have already gotten so many mental images of Heidi trying to potty train that dog and whining about how she needs to hire someone to clean up the (inevitable) doggie accidents for her.
And, maybeimamazed02, I was in Bar-studying-hell two years ago. I feel for you. I watched a lot of baseball to relax, but I wish I would have had tvgasm to keep me entertained. Anyway, I wish you all the luck in the world!
Nice work, B-Side! You taught me a new word (I had to look up lachrymal) and you made a Shakespeare reference. See, watching TV does make you smarter!
How embarrassing for MTV: they have a spin-off of their biggest hit show and think they are on easy street, and then all their dreams are ruined when they have to edit out all the parts when a main character is doing drugs. They have to cut so much out that most of the time this show barely makes sense.
Oh, and flowers and two cigarettes? That TOTALLY spells romance!
Thank you, kristin_d_l. It’s eight days away and I’m practically suicidal. I’m sure I’ll have to take it again.
Times like this, I wish I had LC’s life. Sure, she has to live with Heidi and deal with a cokehead bf, but I’m guessing the exams in fashion school aren’t too complex.
Why are there never any other people at the pool?
OMG Thank you for making my day!!
Love the two cig pic! That guy deserves to get laid! They forgot to show LC gagging after the kiss. Welcome to your life of hell!
Speaking of life of hell. Poor pooch. Some animal rights activists need to rescue him asap. It’s probably going to need to be walked and fed & stuff.
I would love to have some scenes include LC’s dad watching this $hit! How many times has he bashed his skull into a doorjam watching his $$ be spent on Mr. Cokehead and the grooming of his daughter for a lifetime of abuse?
And I LOVE the clip for next show with douchebag sidekick’s look on his face while apparently learning the girls are going to be in the presence of male models. Like half of his family has been murdered.
I totally was going to go with a “quit trying to make fetch happen” comment about that stupid headband Lauren wears but when I went shopping this weekend – THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!
The editing of this show is annoying. And it MUST be due to the drug use. In party pix or in interviews, Lauren and Jason always seem to get along so well but all we see is him acting like an ass and being a jerk. They could at least give us a LITTLE bit of insight into what she sees in him?!
Jason is bad news. It’s all about the control… He keeps LC off balance, as soon as she starts to feel comfortable with him, he makes sure she knows he can pull the rug out from under her at any time. I’ll bet her parents LOATHE him.
I’m probably going to get lambasted for this, but Heidi’s kind of growing on me! I too was appalled with her school interview, and her attitude about her job, and I also thought she added a whole new dimension to the concept of stupid – HOWEVER – I’m doing some re-evaluating!
First: She really was a good friend to LC. She also told Lauren that Jason’s behavior was NEVER OK, she’s the first person I’ve heard actually say that to Lauren. Second: She obviously doesn’t want to be in school, the fact that she still got in after that interview tells me what a lame school it actually is – I’d quit too. Third: Brent Bolthouse seems like a tool, he’s obviously used to people kissing his ass. Heidi is definitely NOT kissing anyone’s ass – I think she knows what she’s bringing to the table, and she’s not going to pander to him. He’s still promoting her, so she must be doing something right. Also, Heidi really is a very pretty girl, I think Brent has the hots for her – he seems to enjoy needling her and watching her react – usually the sign of a little passive-aggressive crush. Last: She doesn’t put up with a lot of crap from her BF. She doesn’t seem to back down when he has hissy-fits, she doesn’t apologize for things she didn’t do wrong. Lauren could learn a few things about how to handle men from her.
Heidi actually kind of cracks me up, she’s definitely not wallpaper like Lo, Roz or Cedric were.
Lauren always seems kind of depressed and unhappy. She’s really kind of shut down.
Chee-Z-TeeVee I agree with the fact that Heidi (aside from the Teen Vogue party debacle) has proved to be a decent friend to Lauren, like at Jason’s coke-riddled birthday dinner and at the club on New Year’s Eve. She’s certainly not a bad person; just a sheltered, ditzy one.
Jason, however, is a drug-fueled, unstable, manipulative piece of crap. LC’s dad is rich; couldn’t he afford to make Jason disappear?