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Like OMG! Did you see The Hills last night? There were like these modeling auditions for Teen Vogue, and like LC and Whitney were like totally working at them, and like all these boys in bathing suits had to come in, and like LC told Jason it would be only girls but then Jordan was like “There were boys there!” and Whitney was like “Take off your shirt” and Audrina was like “Let’s go to Bella!” and Heidi was like “I love ditching” and Jason was like “There were boys, liar!” It was like total scandal! OMG! I have to tell you about it!Last night’s episode began with news that Lauren’s big twentieth birthday was coming up. Things were all patched up with Jason, she told us, and now it was all smooth sailing. “My only problem was figuring out what to wear,” LC said. Hey, did you hear about all that fighting in the Middle East right now? Yeah. That sucks. But anyway, let’s get back to Lauren’s sartorial plight.
After the “Previously On The Hills” recap, we found Whitney, LC, Heidi, and Audrina (or as I like to call them, The Braintrust) roaming Melrose avenue in a pack. If I’m not mistaken, this was the first time I’d actually seen Whitney hanging out with the rest of Lauren’s friends, and she was certainly appreciative of this social acceptance. “Guys, I’m glad I’m skipping school for this day,” she said happily. Of course, if there was anyone who knew about playing hooky, it was chronic education-phobe Heidi, who replied, “I love ditching. It’s like a thing I love.” Yes, Heidi. When you said “I love ditching,” it was implied that it was “a thing I love.” That’s the beauty of a word like “love”. It usually means that you love something.
Well, since the girls were bored, they ventured into a bridal boutique where they decided to pass the time trying on wedding dresses. This caused Heidi to dance around like a hyperactive Pomeranian, but then again, so will anything that has a price tag over $500. LC eventually emerged from the changing room in a big white gown and a veil, and all the girls oohed and ahhed over her, with Whitney saying that she looked surprisingly beautiful. That was her way of saying, “Enjoy it now, fashion show non-walker.”
After the opening credits, we headed back to Teen Vogue where we found the always enigmatic Lisa Love toiling away in her office. You could practically hear her muttering, “Must… have… LC… pick up… coffee mug… from… Rio… tonight…” Anyway, she called in her two workhorses, LC and Whitney, and told them that a booker would be coming to town to cast for bathing suit models. “It’s called a go-see in our business,” Lisa said. Yes, Lisa. We all watch America’s Next Top Model. No need to impress us with your vast array of fashion terms.
Well, as part of this upcoming casting call, the interns would have to get on the internet, search the agency pages, and haul in as many pictures of boys as possible. This caused the girls to giggle with glee, but Lisa Love quickly shot them her patented “YOU SHALL NOT LAUGH IN MY PRESENCE!” look, effectively killing the mood instantly.
Over at Bolthouse Productions, Brent called Heidi into his office and requested that she close the door. Would this be it? Her inevitable firing?? Nope. Turns out there was going to be a William Morris Grammy party at LAX (the hip club the kids go to so often on this show), and Brent needed Heidi to work line with some girl named Grace. However, since it was gonna be a busy night in Hollywood, none of the Bolthouse bigwigs would be there. Just Heidi and Grace — poor, poor Grace. Oh — and one more thing: Brent wanted Heidi to invite all her girlfriends down to the club too — as if she doesn’t do that already. Nevertheless, this was all shaping up to be one Very Big Disaster, and I, for one, was excited.
Back at Teen Vogue, Lauren and Wh-wh-wh-Whitney were surfing the web for prospective models. If they were any kind of friends, they’d certainly put Jordan’s name in for the running. After all, his MySpace page did reveal a certain desire to become the next Marcus Schenkenberg. Nevertheless, Lisa Love’s esteemed colleague/attack-dog/future Stanley-Tucci, Blaine, entered the intern cubbyhole and revealed that the photo shoot would be held at Quixote Studios. Hey, that’s where Audrina works! What are the chances of that happening?? It’s a Hills miracle!
Most excited about seeing Audrina at Quixote Studios was Whitney who noted, “So that’ll be fun! She’ll be there when we’re there. That’s so cool.” She then added, “Isn’t it so fun when people are in the same building together and occupy the same proximity? I love that.”
Anyway, we then watched Whitney salivate over all the head shots, thus prompting the inescapable sounds of “Promiscuous Girl,” and suddenly we were whisked off to LAX where Heidi was happily toting a clipboard around and letting her friends (ie. Lauren and Jason) in the club. Oh, and if you were hoping for some Heidi shenanigans, don’t get too excited. That whole thing about her working the line alone with Grace didn’t result in any sort of drama. Why they even teased us about that is beyond me. Anyway, inside the club, LC told Jason all about the latest Teen Vogue news. “We’re scouting models for a… for like a swimsuit…” she said, gesturing during the word “swimsuit.” Yes, apparently Jason is so slow he needs LC to pantomime what a swimsuit is.
Jason then asked Lauren if there’d be any dudes there, but then he cut himself off in a haze of confusion, ultimately stating, “I don’t understand what you’re doing.” Looks like that whole swimsuit pantomime really fried his brain. He couldn’t even understand the concept of a model scout. Actually, no. He couldn’t understand the concept of a job.
Well, in a move that was certain to yield drama later on, LC lied to Jason and said that only girls would be showing up for the model scout. Odds that the producers will arrange to have Jason show up unexpectedly at Quixote Studios: 2 to 1. But then again, that would imply that he takes a genuine interest in her work, and we all know that’s not true. Hmmm… how would he find out? We then cut to another day as LC reported her white lie to Heidi. Odds that Heidi will keep her mouth shut: 10,000 to 1. Odds that this entire scenario will get blown out of proportion: 1 to 1.
After the commercial break, we then headed over to Quixote Studios for the big go-see event. LC and Whitney arrived first and said hi to the perky yet vacant Audrina, and then the girls hopped on over to the stage where they ran around like kids in a candy store… assuming the candy store were all white, empty, and lacking candy completely. Once they got the excitement out of their systems, LC and Whitney got to work with one of the more formidable tasks of their intern careers: assembling an easel. Some say it takes years of training to learn how to put those perplexing tripods together. Only the most skilled students in the art of easel-ry can erect such a beast. And yet, despite the difficulty of their mission, LC and Whitney managed to persevere, forming the finest easel in all of Quixote Studios. It was indeed a glorious moment.
Anyway, Blaine eventually arrived with Lara (the woman who chewed Lauren out for being late to a photo shoot a few weeks ago), and the scouting began. Guys sporting their dreamiest dreamy-faces soon filled up a model holding room, and Whitney was more than happy to command them to doff their shirts. Yes, she was one horny bitch, that Whitney.
Meanwhile, out in the reception area, it was Audrina who was getting all the attention. She asked a model named Brad what he’d be doing that night. Maybe he’d know what our old friend Dan the model would be up to. Perhaps there was a salad party somewhere in town?
Well, Audrina told Brad that they’d be going to Bella — another Hills fave location — and back in the holding room, Whitney’s extended state of horniness was finally rewarded when one of the models asked her, “Where’s the party at tonight?” This caused her to laugh bashfully and reply, “I don’t know. Where’s your party at tonight?” They then asked the question over and over again to each other for fifteen minutes. Okay, that didn’t happen, but the model did reply with a shady, “I’m gonna be all over.” Saucy! He then added, “Seriously, I’ll be all over. I’m a delivery boy.”
Afterwards, Whitney and LC ambled out to the reception area to say goodbye to their Audrina, and in an ill-advised moment of spontaneity, the two girls rang her desk bell once for fun. Immediately, Audrina lunged forward and clasped the bell in an effort to silence it. I half expected her to yell in a devil voice: “DON’T TOUCH THE BELL!! IT SUMMONS MONSTERS!!!!!”
Luckily, a total bell crisis was averted, and later that night, the girls all shared dishes at Bella, reliving all the fun moments of the go-see. Audrina then expressed anxiety that her new model friend might not stop by. C’mon. Of course he will. Did she not remember the cameras following her around? Sure enough, over at the bar was Brad sitting with some guy who looked like he just snow-shoed in from the Yukon. I couldn’t tell exactly what he was wearing, but it looked big, knitted, and ridiculous. Brad eventually turned around and spotted Audrina, letting out a surprised “Hey!” in the process. He then added, “I didn’t expect to see you here, even though there’s a camera focused on your table and another camera focused on me here at the bar.”
As Audrina and Brad talked, Heidi then leaned over to LC and asked, “What is his friend wearing?” Right on, sister. First smart thing she’s said all season.
Well, just when the fun times seemed like they’d never end, we then headed over to Brian and Jordan’s apartment where the guys were all preparing for a crazy night out. “I’m going to mix orange gatorade with orange soda,” Jordan announced proudly. Wow. This was more exciting than the time he got a Dorito stuck in his teeth for 49 minutes.
Anyway, the guys — Brian, Jordan, and Jason — all shot the shit for a few minutes, talking about whatever (probably other mind-boggling concoctions from the laboratory of Jordan Eubanks). It seemed all fine and harmless — that is, until Jason let slip that the Teen Vogue go-see featured male models. He said that there were all these guys there, causing Jason to ask, “What kind of guys?” Um, you know, male models? I know, it’s hard stringing two concepts together.
This clearly bothered Jason, and after a few seconds of his usual bewildered, wide-eyed, vacant look, his face turned into more of a bewildered, wide-eyed, kind of angry look. Nevertheless, Brian began what was sure to be a fascinating story by saying, “I didn’t even say yI was an actor for my first–” but suddenly Jason up and left the room. Way to not entertain, BRIAN! Tell better stories!
We then had another commercial break, which was exciting because we got to see the fancy, schmancy new Laguna Beach commercial. Memo to MTV: try not to say “new generation” in your promos. It brings up dark memories of Saved By The Bell.
When we returned to the show, Heidi and Jordan were busy doing laundry and talking shit about Lauren and Jason. “They’re both insecure, immature,” Jordan said. Heidi agreed, and yet somehow, this banal back-and-forth turned into some sort of argument. I think Heidi was trying to tell Jordan that he shouldn’t have revealed that there were male models at the go-see or something. Either way, they wound up bickering, much like the couple they were presently maligning. Later, Audrina talked to Heidi about the whole drama, and she too couldn’t believe that Jordan would be so careless as to tell Jason about the boys. God forbid somebody accidentally blows LC’s cover for a stupid lie she shouldn’t have said anyway. Really, the most fascinating part of this scene was the tattoo on Audrina’s nape. What ever possessed her to get that eyesore? She’s a pretty girl. A hottie, even. Why oh why would she do that?
Nevertheless, the conversation ended with Audrina telling Heidi, “if he’s mean to her on her birthday…” If? It’s a guarantee. Elsewhere, LC complained about the situation to loyal lapdog Wh-wh-wh-Whitney, and wouldn’t you know it? Right in the middle of their talk, Jason called up. “Heard there were boys at your photo shoot, LIAR!” he barked. Unfortunately, he clearly hadn’t dabbled in the nose candy because no random insults followed. Jason, it turned out, wasn’t even that mad. He just didn’t like being lied to, which was a legitimate response. And that was that. All this hype over an impending drama? Gone.
That afternoon, a random woman showed up at LC’s door. Turned out she was a delivery girl, and she had a bunch of flowers for Lauren. Remember? It’s her birthday. Anyway, with the bouquet came a note that instructed her to pack an overnight bag. You know what that means: birthday girl is gettin’ some se-ex!
We then zipped to the Standard Hotel in downtown Los Angeles where a smiling, possibly coked-up Jason greeted his ball-and-chain. After some general smooching, he then brought her down to their room where he (or MTV) had set up a romantic dinner for two. How lovely! I wonder if Jason will now say something inappropriate and LC will get snippy? Nah. NEVER.
As the two dined on their meal, Jason politely asked, “What do you want to do the rest of the night?” Translation: wanna have sex? Actually, that wasn’t his ulterior motive. Turns out that Jason kind of wanted to head back up to Hollywood and meet up with the guys for some good times. What an idiot. LC, however, did not want to do this. She just wanted to stay in the room with him. Translation: Why yes, I would like to have sex. She told him she wanted to stay in the room, and yet, he asked again and again what she wanted to do that night. Jason: SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX!
Finally, LC laid it all out for him. “Jason, I’ve told you. I would rather stay here and hang out.” Soooo… did that mean she wanted to go out? This was all too confusing for J-Wahl. Actually, he did ultimately realize that she just wanted to stay in the room, but then he asked her if she wanted to rent a movie or sit and cuddle or — STOP ASKING QUESTIONS. The answer is SEX. LOTS OF IT! Of course, LC would never be so immodest to say that. Instead she replied: “I’ll do whatever. I don’t care.” Sooo…. you want to play a board game? Watch TV?
Eventually, the show ended with the two of them sitting on the bed, watching something on the TV. They had those perfectly uncertain looks on their faces — kind of like The Graduate for a new generation. Ooops. Now I’m thinking about Saved By The Bell again. Blast!
What did you think about this episode?