Like OMG! Was anyone else like totally crying at last night’s episode of The Hills? Yeah, me neither, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t totally moved. Granted, I was moved to laughter, but hey, something’s better than nothing. For those of you trying to grasp what the hell I’m talking about, on this week’s adventures of LC, Heidi, and their assorted sidekicks, a Very Sad Thing happened. One of the seminal relationships of the show — perhaps the backbone of all MTV — came to a crushing, heartbreaking, and hilarious end. Oh, it was RICH! But I won’t spill the beans about what went down here. That’s after the jump…This week’s episode began with the convergence of America’s’ two finest minds: Audrina and Heidi. The ladies took a seat at the ever-so-swanky Café Tartine and promptly began gabbing about the exhaustive gasbag that is Jordan. He had been bitching more than usual, which was driving poor Heidi crazy. When Audrina asked how long they had been together, Heid merely shrugged and said, “Seven or eight months.” Kind of a drastic change from just a few episodes ago when she was fixating on her six month anniversary. Looks like somebody may have rid herself of the love bug.
Well, Audrina was absolutely shocked to hear that there were troubles in paradise, saying, “You guys seem like the perfect couple.” Huh? What? I guess they looked like perfect couple… to an IDIOT. Nevertheless, Heidi explained that there had been a lot of bickering lately, causing Audrina to then comment, “See, I have different boy problems.” Translation: let’s talk about ME.
Heidi then gave us a detailed account of what the typical argument was like. Basically, Jordan would start snipping, and Heidi would have to say, “Jordan!” I know: intense. Audrina was horrified by this ghastly exchange. “Oh my god!” she said, as if she couldn’t even BELIEVE that Heidi would be so bold as to say Jordan’s name. What’s next? Heidi would have to say something like “Ugh!”?
We then saw the opening credits, followed by the so-cute-it-hurts episode title, “Love Is Not A Maybe Thing.” I thought for sure we’d be treated to some silly antics of the girls shopping or loafing around or whatever, but no, we got right into the drama within seconds. Audrina was chillin’ out on her bed, acting as if there weren’t a whole MTV camera crew lingering in her kitchen, when suddenly there was a knock at her door. Who could it be? Dan the model? Brad the model? Someone else with a monosyllabic name who happened to be a model? Nope. It was Heidi, and as luck would have it, she was right in the middle of an argument with Jordan on her cell phone.
“Do not cuss at me, Jordan! Don’t do that!” Heidi reprimanded through clenched teeth. She kind of sounded liek she were scolding a kindergartner, but then again, given Jordan’s mental functions, that wouldn’t be too far from the truth.
Well, this phone spat didn’t last much longer, and soon Heidi devolved into a sad sack of tears, bawling, “He cusses at me all the time. I don’t know what to do!!!” Question: what was up with Heidi using the word “cuss” so much? Did she just return from the Gone With The Wind convention? I half expected her to say, “Why, I reckon that cussing has left me parched. I say, does Mr. Winthrope have any of those mint juleps that I fancy so?”
Nevertheless, Heidi was a total mess, crying all over the place. Apparently the cause of this evening’s fight had to do with some sort of logistical problem: Heidi was with a trainer and couldn’t pick up Jordan from wherever he was. Hence, he was pissed. Look woman, a man cannot expect to loiter around Niketown all afternoon long!
The good news was that Heidi at least had some sense of self-worth (unlike certain other cast members whose name sounds an awful lot like “Elsie”). She said that Jordan simply could not talk to her like that, prompting Audrina to suggest a possible break from the relationship. At this point, I assumed I knew exactly how this episode would go. Heidi would dump Jordan’s ass before the first commercial break, the next segment would be spent with them both miserable, and then the last act would show their inevitable reconciliation. Or so I thought.
The scene ended with Heidi bemoaning her less-than-royal treatment. “Every girl deserves to be treated like a princess!” she insisted, adding, “Or is it, ‘Every girl deserves to act like a princess?’ Oh, I don’t remember. I’ll do both!”
Meanwhile, over at Teen Vogue, LC bestowed a compliment on her fellow co-worker, Wh-Wh-Wh-Whitney. “You look so ladylike today!” she said, surely causing fireworks to go off in Whitney’s head. You could practically hear her bubbling, “The girl from Laguna Beach thinks I look cool!”
Of course, Whitney can never go more than twelve seconds without probing LC about her personal life, and once again, in an audio snippet that was clearly added in post production, Whit asked, “Wait! How was your birthday?” She then added, “TELL ME. BRING ME INTO YOUR WORLD!” Okay, she didn’t say that, but it was fairly peculiar that she’d ask this question. After all, LC’s birthday is on February 1st, whereas the rest of this episode took place in late Spring with Summer just around the corner. Either the producers were engaging in some shifty editing again, or Whitney was just really, really lazy about following up on things. I can just imagine her in May asking, “So tell me about your Christmas!”
Nevertheless, LC happily relived her birthday, saying how Jason got them a room in the Downtown Standard and how they ate dinner and then sat on the bed and stared at things n’ stuff. Needless to say, Whitney was completely blown away. “I’m impressed with guys like that because those guys are so young, but they know what to do.” I take it by “they know what to do,” Whitney meant “they treat you like shit all day but then make up for it with some superficial, grandiose gestures that never really address the real problems.”
Meanwhile, back at the Hillside Villas (or as they’re called in real life, Park La Brea), Heidi and Jordan were having A Talk. She may be a spoiled brat and the quintessential airhead, but to Heidi’s credit, she explained her issues with Jordan in a clear and concise and rather open way, saying that he’d been snapping at her way too often. She wanted him to stop going off on her and adjust the tone in which he spoke to her. Jordan’s open-minded response:
That’s right. He refused to stop snapping at her, which I guess would explain why he then, um, snapped at her.
“Okay, but I’m not going to do that because that’s not who I am!” Jordan balked. Yes, the classic reality star defense: that’s just who I am! Can’t change God’s work! So basically, Jordan was gonna treat Heidi like shit because hey, you don’t mess with perfection, am I right, ladies? Even more laughably, Jordan put a unique spin on his various tantrums. He wasn’t bickering or snapping. He was merely getting “passionate.” You see, when he called Heidi and demanded that she pick him up, he was just very passionate about getting a ride. I mean, having her pick him up is what his life’s ALL ABOUT. Can’t you feel the PASSION???
Jordan then accused Heidi of acting like a princess (which was not totally untrue), and her response was the sort of response feminists absolutely love: “I’m a girl. I SHOULD be a princess!” Gloria Steinem, eat your heart out!
Well, as you can imagine, this whole “talk” really didn’t accomplish much; so Jordan left to go play basketball, saying he’d see Heidi later. Or would he? Heidi gave him the big Negatory, and as he walked out of the apartment, she even locked the door behind him. OUCH! Bitch means business! As we went to commercial, we saw as Heidi then called her little dog / oversized rat Bella to join her in her bedroom, but the tiny beast wouldn’t follow, confusion covering her face. Looks like somebody was caught in the middle of a divorce! This was so turning into the dumbass version of Kramer vs. Kramer. However, I’d rename it Princess vs. Douche.
After the break, we then found LC and Jason dining at Mani’s Bakery, located conveniently across the street from PARK LA BREA. Dammit, people. The evidence is too damning! They don’t live in The Hills! They live on 3rd Street! Anyway, I’ve eaten at Mani’s on several occasions, and each time, some crazy bum always walked by with quite possibly the loudest variety of bum-rants. One guy even got on a pay phone and began yelling into it — never mind that he never actually put any money in. I seem to remember him demanding that he speak to a doctor or lawyer, almost as if he were dealing with some idiotic receptionist, but of course he wasn’t, on account of that “not paying for the pay phone” thing. It sounds funny now, but when you take into consideration that that phone was right behind me, it was far from amusing. Nevertheless, this is my long way of saying I’m shocked that no homeless person ran up to Jason and LC and yelled gibberish in their faces.
Of course, who needs gibberish from a bum when you’ve got Jason? He marveled at LC’s ancient status, saying, “I can’t believe you’re twenty.” To be fair, Jason can’t believe a lot of things: balloons, rock candy, waterfalls.
J-Wahl then asked Lauren if she liked what they did on her birthday, and she replied with a distant “Yeah…” Well THAT was convincing! LC then noted that her parents really wanted to take her and Jason out to dinner, causing him to say… nothing. Yes, Jason merely stared blankly at LC as if she were talking like Charlie Brown’s teacher. I guess his whole “I can’t believe you’re twenty” comment really used up all his brainpower of the day.
“Huh? I don’t get it. What does ‘parents’ mean?”
Actually, Jason did resume his speech patterns, telling Lauren that he wanted to get a house by the beach “so bad” this summer. Yeah, how about you get A JOB first? I know it sounds crazy, but usually, when you’re only nineteen and you’re not working and not in college, home ownership is not always the first move. But then again, when you’re as loaded as J-Wahl, a beach house is never out of the question, and let’s face it. He really needs a space to unwind in after all these stressful weeks of hanging out.
Meanwhile, over in Pan Pacific Park (also located across from Park La Brea), Brian and Jordan were walking around, using their five collective brain cells to form sentences and such. Jordan vented about the whole Heidi situation, saying, “If I raise my voice like this, she thinks I’m being attacking her.” Keep in mind that when Jordan demonstrated his raised voice, it was hardly raised at all. And also keep in mind that “I’m being attacking her” was not a typo on my part. I done good in my edumacation.
Well, this all led Brian to weigh in with possibly the most insightful advice of the season as he (in a singsongy voice) commented, “Yeah, whenever girls get mad at something, it’s usually something else that they’re really mad at. They just don’t want to tell you.” So true, Brian. So true. Except in this case, Heidi pretty much laid it all out on the table; so I guess so much for that theory.
Luckily, Brian The Love Doctor had the perfect remedy for this situation. He told Jordan to show up at Heidi’s work in a suit and tie, bring flowers, and beg to go out to dinner. Of course, this wouldn’t necessarily fix any of the problems, but it was the sort of thing that we all knew Heidi would absolutely love. Clearly Jordan would do it, right? Nah. He didn’t want to. Why should HE be bothered with making things better? What sort of relationship requires someone to express their love? Psssh…
Later, LC and Heidi had dinner together and talked about the whole situation. It was clear that things were going south between the lovebirds, causing Lauren to say, “You know that whatever you do that me and Jason are gonna be there. You know that.” Well, at least LC will be. Jason will probably be staring at mobiles.
To be honest, it sounded like Lauren was actually subtly encouraging a breakup as she said things like “Love is not a maybe thing” (hence the episode title). She then noted that while Heidi may love Jordan, she needed to be absolutely IN love with him too. And was she? Heidi reluctantly shook her head and said no. OH DAMN! If ever there was a time for a harrowing yet distant stare from LC, this was it!
We then went to commercial, and when we returned, it was raining in Los Angeles. Like OMG! This was gonna be the saddest day ever! Major to that! We then went inside LC and Heidi’s apartment where boxes of junk littered the living room. Turns out Heidi had packed up all of Jordan’s stuff (and he had a lot), and now it was time for the big breakup. As for LC, she happily sat in the living room, clearly waiting to watch all the shit go down. Heidi, meanwhile, complained to her mom about the Jordan situation, but their talk was short-lived as the man of the hour soon showed up, his orange hair poofier than ever. The two sat on her bed, lips quietly quivering as they realized their magical union might just be coming to an end. It would have been a halfway tender moment had the dumb dog not spent the whole scene jumping around hyperactively, practically humping Jordan’s arms in the process.
This really takes “supplicant” to new levels.
Anyway, as you can imagine from such a scenario, hilarity soon ensued. Jordan totally broke down, crying like a blubbering mess on camera. This made Heidi bawl too, which was amusing, but let’s face it, this was all about Jordan’s crocodile tears. He said he knew he had messed things up, and she said she just didn’t think they were compatible together. More tears followed (and laughter in the TVgasm offices), and then Jordan sobbed that he just couldn’t imagine his life without her. Translation: “I won’t get into clubs! I won’t be on TV! What will I do????”
Eventually, the emotion was just too much, and Jordan bowed his head down, nestling it in Bella’s backside (a maneuver he clearly perfected with Brian and Jason). I couldn’t be positive, but I was pretty sure he was actually wiping his nose on the dog. Gross!
“Heidi, I can’t live without you. Like, I will do whatever it takes,” he pleaded, but in a move of impressive strength, Heidi denied him. Not only that, SHE GAVE HIM HIS KEY BACK. Awww shit! It was OVER! Gotta respect the Little Princess. She did what was right and wasn’t swayed by last minute pleas and tears. Ultimately, Jordan realized his meal-ticket was no longer and sorrowfully left the apartment. And yes, LC was still just chillin’ on the couch. Heidi poked her head out the front door and dramatically said, “Goodbye Jordan,” and down at her ankles, little Bella pawed away, trying to get at her daddy. It was so poetic! And laugh-out-loud awesome.
“Bitch, get outta my way!”
“Let’s pose like we’re the poster art for a French film about lesbians.”
Well, the girls then cradled each other, and soon enough, we saw images of the gray sky, an errant blackbird flying across. If you thought this was the end of the episode though, you were wrong. There was more! We then headed over to Jordan’s apartment where he managed to return without slipping on the front stoop. He told his assembled boyz (Brian, Jason) about the breakup, and everyone was SHOCKED. Shocked I tell you!
“It seems so out of nowhere,” Brian mused. Yes. Out of nowhere. Unless, of course, you’ve been paying the slightest attention to these two over the past eight months.
“I’m just literally in shock,” Brian then said. Poor guy. Somebody get him a cold compress and a juice box. The shock is too much! He needs fluids, dammit!
Jason then chimed in and said that all the times that he and Lauren would go back and forth, they’d always defer to Heidi and Jordan — or Hordan — for strength and advice. Yeah, I’m sure that made Jordan feel much better. The crappy couple outlasted them. THANKS.
Jordan then noted, “It seemed so picture perfect. Like, on the outside, people were always like ‘Oh my God. They’re completely in love all the time.’” Uh… not really. I’m pretty sure everyone in America saw doom. And by the way, I love how Jordan was so proud of his relationship’s appearance. They looked perfect — and honestly, that’s all that matters!
We then headed back to Teen Vogue, and we just knew that Whitney would lap up all this drama. With wide eyes and a slack jaw, she received the news just like everyone else: with total and complete shock. Like OMG! How could they even break up???? Consider Whitney’s brain officially exploded.
Later, LC told Whit about how she might possibly live with Jason in Malibu for the summer. But what about Heidi? What will she do in the apartment all alone? Clearly Whitney was angling for a move-in. She sooo wanted to be central in the group. It’s never going to happen! Or could I be wrong? (Look for a very interesting Whitney post on TVgasm later…)
We then headed to Quixote Studios where Audrina and Heidi talked about all the drama. Would I be blowing your mind if I said that the ever vacant Audrina was absolutely SHOCKED that there was a breakup? Yes, just like everyone else, she absolutely could not believe that this rock, this foundation of the group was no longer. But whatevs! Now they could like totally go out together and have a good time! Yay! And with that, the two girls began excitedly planning their night, thus taking the first steps toward a mended heart.
Suddenly, we saw random footage of a red carpet, followed by more footage of famed hot dog stand, Pink’s. What this had to do with anything was beyond me, but apparently the show was now over because the credits were rolling. Uh okay. Sadly, this turned out to be the penultimate episode of the summer as next week is the season finale. Like OMG! I hate goodbyes!
What did you think? Did Heidi do the right thing?