Sniff sniff. At long last, The Hills has come to an end. In tonight’s exciting season finale, our plucky heroine, Lauren, had to choose between Paris and Malibu, career and love, amazingly contrived situation and even more amazingly contrived situation. Yes, it was MTV’s miniaturized version of The Devil Wears Prada, except instead of protagonist who seems inherently smart and capable, we have LC, a much doted-on girl whose pensive exterior merely belies the same idiotic core as all her partners in crime. I’m none too pleased with the way this season finale ended (and that’s not just because my Tivo cut off the last thirty seconds). The only way I can calm myself down is to take solace in the fact that LC’s big dilemma was probably just a wildly extravagant Made-For-TV scenario that surely evaporated once the cameras stopped rolling. Nevertheless, this last half hour of Hillsy goodness featured everything we could possibly hope for: a dash of Whitney babble, a touch of J-Wahl mumblings, a gentle brush of Audrina vapidity, and a healthy dose of Heidi idiocy. I’m sad to see these ragamuffins go, but with Laguna Beach just ’round the corner, I know we’re just getting started.The big season finale started off with LC saying how Wh-Wh-Wh-Whitney had landed an internship with Teen Vogue in New York City. Smell ya later, Whitney! Maybe we can now have a Hills spinoff called The Burroughs. It can all take place in Manhattan (but be filmed elsewhere, just like this show). Anyway, as exciting as this news was, it was nothing compared to the pure thrill Jason felt as he walked into one seaside Malibu home he was thinking about renting. “Wouldn’t this be a killer summer rental?” he asked. He was right. It would have been killer. And you know what just makes it sweeter? Knowing all the long hours at the office that went into getting this place. Oh, that’s right. For a moment, I forgot I was watching a show about people with no direction in their lives. (Of course, if I were nineteen and loaded and could rent a beach house for the summer, I totally would. But then again, I’d probably do so knowing that I wasn’t hitting the peak of my life that very moment).
Nevertheless, as the happy couple stared at the ocean from a balcony, Jason commented, “The last few months have been really good, and, I don’t know, I just think it would be nice to do our own thing for a little instead of being around people 24/7.” Funny, I seem to remember that the person who always wanted to be alone as a couple was LC. Wasn’t it Jason who was always running off with his hetero-lifemates Brian and Jordan? If I didn’t know better, I’d say Jason was just trying to lay low from his supplier, if you know what I’m saying.
We then watched the opening credits for the last time this season, and afterwards, we learned this episode would be generically called “Timing Is Everything.” Of course, since it was the start of the show, we were inundated with several sunny, exciting images of Los Angeles, set to the tune of “Suddenly, I See,” which is perhaps not so coincidentally the same song that kicks off The Devil Wears Prada. If Lauren winds up getting hit by a car whilst on an errand, that would be awesome. So awesome that I had to use the word “whilst.”
Anyway, with essence of Devil Wears Prada in the air, we then headed over to the Teen Vogue offices where Lisa Love had arranged a private audience with her two bestest interns, Whitney and Lauren. Turns out it was Los Angeles Fashion Week, and Nicole was coming out from New York. Nicole! Hurray! Summon the forty elephants and snake charmers! Nicole is back!!!! Um, who’s Nicole?
Well, whoever this Nicole character was, she’d be working with Whitney to help set up the Charlotte Ronson after-party at the Roosevelt Hotel. I didn’t know who Charlotte Ronson was, but I assumed she was a hoity designer — one that I’m sure Nicole truly loved (again, I’m saying this not knowing who Nicole even is). As for LC, her duties were much different. She wouldn’t be setting up a major fête. Instead, she’d be ensuring that all would go smoothly for the visiting editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue, Ms. Amy Astley — no relation to British musical genius Rick. Specifically, Lauren would be in charge of getting tickets to the various fashion shows happening around town. “That’s going to be huge. That’s exciting!” Whitney gushed. SILENCE! I thought for sure Lisa Love would shoot a withering Gorgon glare in Whitney’s direction, but instead, she kept rambling, not even acknowledging that her doe-eyed intern had even said a word. This is why you’re being shipped off to New York, Whit. You be steppin’ on Lisa Love’s terrain too much.
Over at Bolthouse productions, Brent alerted Heidi that he wanted to go to a bunch of fashion shows, and oh, by the way, he was gonna get her on the list for the Jennifer Nicholson show and after party. OMG! Jennifer Nicholson???? Wait, who’s Jennifer Nicholson? Does she hang out with Nicole? (Note: Jennifer Nicholson is actually Jack Nicholson’s daughter, which would explain his appearance later in the episode). Anyway, in a moment of pure euphoria and joy, Heidi called up her elfin coworker Elodie and said, “Guess what Brent just told me? Tonight, I get to go to the Jennifer Nicholson show!” Yeah, that may be cool, but Elodie totally has a date with Legolas at the Keebler tree tonight. Try to top that with your “human fashion show.”
“I’m on the phone with Santa. We’re going to St. Tropez.”
Nevertheless, Heidi concluded, “Life in Hollywood is so good!” It certainly is — especially when you’ve got MTV producers arranging every last inch of it. Yay convenience!
Back at the Teen Vogue offices, Lauren hopped into a limo — as all interns frequently do — and rode over to the Beverly Regent Hotel where Lisa was yakking it up in the lobby with none other than the reigning diva herself, Ms. Amy Astley, who came replete with a Devil Wears Prada coif. Seriously, if Meryl Streep’s hairstyle and Nora Dunn had a love child, it would be Amy Astley. Nevertheless, Lisa Love introduced Lauren to the bigwig, and our plucky intern greeted her with a big smile and not much else. Apparently, shaking hands is a major taboo down in Laguna. Well, with all pleasantries concluded, Lisa then laid out Lauren’s big task of the evening: get two more tickets for the Jennifer Nicholson show. Shouldn’t be hard, right? It’s not like Vogue is some obscure ‘zine in the fashion world.
“If Nora Dunn is unavailable, I’d prefer Chyna Phillips to play me in my biopic.”
Well, Lauren zoomed off to Smashbox Studios, and en route, she called up her reliable wannabe sidekick Whitney, who was busy picking up boxes and placing them in larger boxes — a task that surely usurped all her brainpower. Anyway, LC complained that she needed two more tickets to this fashion show, but it was totally sold out! Like OMG! If only she had some massive name to drop — you know, something like “Hi, this is for the editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue.” Damn…
Unfortunately, Whitney had no good ideas for LC. “That’s kind of like a really big request!” she said. You know what else is a big request? Getting the editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue to profile your fashion line. Let’s not be ridiculous here. Of course, at this point, I was marveling at the convenience that Heidi just so happened to be going to this very same show. Maybe LC would have to use Heidi’s Bolthouse connections. And then they could arrange to get the tickets at Quixote Studios! Pure Hills synergy!
Nevertheless, LC arrived at the fashion show and spoke to a publicist named Kelly Cutrone who was happily in the middle of the kind of power trip publicists absolutely love. “I mean, I love Lisa, and she’s great, but this is literally the eleventh hour,” Kelly said, as if procuring two more folding chairs might just be the most difficult task OF ALL TIME. Lesson learned: never trust a publicist whose name sounds like Cuthroat.
Anyway, Kelly said she knew all the editors (because she’s THAT good), and unless LC could come up with some names, it was a no-go. What to do? Luckily, Lauren turned around and saw her buddies, Heidi and Audrina, sauntering around the premises. That’s right. These two mothballs could gain access, but the editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue couldn’t even get two extra spots. Way to coordinate, Cutrone. (Then again, according to this interview, Kelly Cutrone has not been above removing Jack Nicholson from his daughter’s own fashion show).
Nevertheless, LC was totally freaking out over this ticket situation, and her gal-pals insisted that they’d help her out. Well, at least Heidi was gonna help. Chances were that Audrina would just walk around with a glazed, catatonic expression on her face — kind of like an automated mannequin. Well, after some time had passed, LC finally got in touch with Lisa Love and learned the names of the editors. Instead of writing them down, Lauren instead opted to commit these names to memory, but unfortunately, her love for J-Wahl was clearly taking up too much neurological space because as soon as Lauren reported back to Kelly, she couldn’t remember a single thing. Understandably, Kelly was pissed, especially when Lauren muttered, “Ha…Hammmmish Bowles and… there was one other.” I would have died if she then said, “Ann… Anna Winter? Wantor?”
Exasperated, Kelly replied, “Hamish Bowles is oneo person… You need to hurry up though sweety.” This was like the fashion version of Password. I kind of loved it (Kelly, however, did not. She happily voiced her frustration to Fashion Weekly Daily. Only a fashion magazine would call itself “Weekly Daily.” And why I’m suddenly so obsessed with Kelly Cutrone links is beyond me).
Finally, Lauren remembered the second name, causing Kelly to snap, “You’re going to have to work faster than this if you want to work in the fashion business.” You want to talk about speed? How about you hand over tickets when the editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue sends an intern for them. Nevertheless, Lisa Love soon arrived with Amy Astley and their two guests, Hamish Bowles (European Editor at Large of Vogue — and looking every inch of it. Kind of like Liam Neeson meets Carson Kressley) and Lawren Howell (yes, Lawren — a severe-looking woman who was the West Coast Fashion Editor of Vogue). That’s right, we were to believe that these two heavy hitters in the fashion industry might not be allowed into this show. That would be like not letting Spielberg into a student film festival.
“I’m half Amish. Hence my name, Hamish.”
“I’ve already booked Wendy Mallick for my biopic.”
Anyway, the show went off without a hitch, and at one point, Lisa turned to LC and said, “Um, thank you.” Wow! That was a first! To be fair, she then said, “You know, I left my sunglass case in Manhattan. Would you be a lamb and fetch those for me for tomorrow morning? Thanks.”
The next day, the interns reconvened at the office where Whitney remarked, “That was a crazy night!” Well, we’ll assume your night was crazy, Whit, because we didn’t actually see any of your lame ass party. Anyway, Whitney further mused, “We’re usually not separated like that, you know?” Awww. Sidekick was feeling some anxiety. Separated from her master. It’s always tough the first time.
Suddenly, Teen Vogue lapdog Blaine waltzed in and announced that Her Royal Highness Lisa Love wished to talk to just Lauren. “Just Lauren?” Whitney asked, shades of fear creeping into her voice. Oh no! Just Lauren! Separated again!!! When will this cruelty stop???
“I feel like the last time that happened, it was when you were getting in trouble,” Whitney then commented. That was sort of her passive-aggressive way of saying, “You see what happens when you’re without me, bitch? You get caught by the fuzz!”
Well, Lauren walked into her boss’s office just as Lisa was humorously wrapping up a phone call by saying, “Au revoir, cherie!” Oddly enough, she was merely talking with her electrician. To each her own, I suppose. Okay, just kidding. I have no idea who she was talking to, but I’m putting the odds on Hamish. Who wouldn’t want to talk to a fine gent named Hamish?
Anyway, Lisa gave a nice little speech about how Lauren kind of sucked in the beginning of the internship, but now she was A-OK. “I think you got everything together by the end,” Lisa said. If that’s not gushing enthusiasm, I don’t know what is! To reward Lauren for her good work (ie. being semi-famous and allowing Teen Vogue to have a national audience on MTV), Lisa revealed that LC was nominated to go to Paris for an internship. Wow. And if that wasn’t cool enough, she would be there for couture week, which I imagined was the week to be there (again, I base everything I know of fashion from The Devil Wears Prada). Anyway, Lisa gave a wry smile and said, “I think honestly if you go to Paris, you won’t want to come back.” Oh, I see the way this works. She just wants to get rid of Lauren. Would this sly tactic work? HMMMM.
After the break, Lauren told Whitney all about the offer. “You gotta do it, right?” Whitney asked. Of course she was going to do it. How could anyone not do it, right? Welllll… Lauren sighed and said, “I like planned my summer with Jason.” Seriously, Whitney, there’s something you have to understand. Lauren has a LOT of movies on her Netflix queue, and she really needs to work through them. She can’t go on an all-expense-paid trip to Paris! When would she ever get to see Failure to Launch?
Lauren then growned, “But I’d be gone like all summer.” Yeah… stuck in Paris for an entire summer. HELL INCARNATE.
Whitney then noted, “If it was only like another summer.” Or… how about LC and Jason do their little adventure in Malibu another summer instead? Better yet, just bring Jason to France. He’s loaded. If he afford a summer house on the beach in Malibu, he surely could find a nifty flat in some arrondissement.
Well, the girls trekked down to the lobby and hugged goodbye for the summer. “I’ll miss you!” LC said, as if she wasn’t about to see her again in two weeks for the MTV Movie Awards. We know. We were there.
Back at the apartment, LC shared the news with Heidi, who squealed, “That is huge!!!!” She then added, “I wish I knew where Paris was! Is it in Delaware?” Okay, Heidi didn’t say that, but I’m sure she probably thought a “Paris internship” meant trailing around Paris Hilton all summer. Of course, there was the lingering question: what to do about Jason? LC still didn’t know. All year had been up and down with them, and now when everything was just right, she was gonna leave? IT WOULD BE A TRAVESTY! I guess you know your relationship is “just right” when you’re afraid to leave it for eight weeks for fear that it will completely fall apart. That’s what I call a secure foundation!
Anyway, Lauren then headed out to Malibu where Jason was busy sitting in the house, listening to his iPod. “I’m relaxing,” he told her. Clearly, he needed a break from his rigorous schedule of saying words ‘n’ stuff. In a surprise move, Jason became quite the chatterbox, talking about all the stuff he wanted to bring to the house. “I was thinking about patio furniture,” he said, adding, “Literally. I was thinking about it. Patio furniture is really pretty. I like pretty things. Butterflies are pretty too. And so are those rainbows. I like rainbows. Do you like rainbows?”
Eventually, LC revealed that she’d been offered an internship, and when Jason asked where, she groaned, “Paris.” She might as well have said, “Darfur.” I’ve never seen someone so unexcited or unappreciative of such an amazing offer (even if it were totally fake for the benefit of the show).
Well, Lauren was not alone in her disgust for this old, stupid city. “Are you going?” Jason asked angrily. Yeah, are you going to spend your summer in a city of culture, art, and beauty, all in the hopes of gaining extraordinary experience, BITCH? Lauren said she simply did not know, and Jason crawled up next to her and said that whatever she decided, he’d be there for her. Whoa! What’s up with the compassion, J-Wahl? He then asked her again what she was gonna do, and again, Lauren said she didn’t know. At this point, however, Jason merely stared off into space, his brain clearly having shut down in the past five seconds.
Jason’s brain: officially turned off for the night.
Jason’s empty stare took us into the next commercial break, and when we returned, we saw a striking overhead shot of the apartment. Ah ha! The final, definitive evidence we’ve needed! We quickly compared that aerial shot with Google Maps, and sure enough, we had sufficient visual proof that the girls did in fact live in Park La Brea. Consider this case closed! (We’ll be doing a separate post with all the latest evidence). Anyway, we found Heidi and Audrina sitting poolside, tinkering with a T-Mobile and pondering the true nature of Planck’s constant. Okay, okay, they weren’t talking physics, but they were talking boys. As Heidi perhaps erased Jordan from her Sidekick, she explained the storied past of her dating history.
“I used to like a guy for like a day, and then I’d be sick of him, and then God knows what happened with Jordan. I don’t know how I started liking him. That was a mistake,” Heidi said. Awww, c’mon Heidi. How can you hate a guy who so happily slips on his ass? If that’s not charm, I don’t know what is.
At this point, Heidi then let us into the inner-workings of her mind. “This is how I think,” she started, and yes, it was shocking to know “thinking” was even an activity she participated in. Anyway, she continued, “In preschool is how you’re going to be the rest of your life.” Well, that would explain why Heidi still eats Playdough. And her inability to read or write or perform simple arithmetic. But back to Heidi: “Because in preschool, I was like ‘I love you. I love you. I love you.’ I used to have a new boyfriend every five minutes in preschool.” So basically, Heidi was a preschool slut. Am I crazy for thinking her brand of cooties required a gynecologist?
Anyway, Heidi then explained that in preschool, guys used to fight over her. “I’m gonna start doing that again. It worked then,” she said. Yes, nothing says moving to the big city and growing up like unabashedly reverting to preschool. Nevertheless, Heidi announced that in the wake of her recent breakup, she now wanted to go out every night (as opposed to her previous six-day-a-week schedule) and date every single boy in the city. She would get an STD whether we liked it or not, dammit!
Back at the apartment, we then found LC packing up a suitcase, preparing to go away to the summer. But where was she heading? Paris or Malibu? Of course, since I’m somewhat cynical (and because I happened to see her in person just a few weeks after this), I knew that Lauren was too big of an idiot to take the Paris offer. After all, that would go against the ideals of this show: true love above career and ambition… and amazing opportunities that she’ll probably never have again. Anyway, Heidi and LC shared a tearful goodbye, saying they’d miss each other and whatnot. “Let me know when you get there,” Heidi said — clearly setting up a massive Paris fakeout. I mean, of course we’d think she was going to Paris. Who calls to say they’ve arrived in Malibu?
Well, LC headed outside, and in a bit of unforgivable MTV trickery, the cameras showed her hopping into her car, which was parked outside the real life Hillside Villas. You see, the producers are trying to convince us that these girls live in the hills. Too bad they already showed the damning overhead footage! GOTCHA, BITCHES! Sorry, we’re still proud of ourselves.
We then were treated to a lengthy montage where we saw Lauren driving and Lisa waiting for her at LAX while Jason stood on the balcony of his beach house. Where would she go? Who would she pick? I personally enjoyed seeing Lisa standing around the Tom Bradley International Terminal, waiting by the departures for some person or thing to arrive. Was Lisa going to Paris too? Or was she merely sending off LC in another major contrivance. Either way, if this scenario were to exist in real life (and it most certainly wouldn’t), I highly doubt that Lisa Love would trek all the way down to LAX to say goodbye to a lowly intern. She’s Lisa Love, dammit! Not Maude The Sendoff Woman!
Maude The Sendoff Woman
And of course, we can’t forget Lisa’s other henchmen:
Fern The Library Worker
Mary The Cat Lady
Elly The Stapler Lender
And Karen The Candy Bowl Keeper
Anyway, Lisa stood around waiting and waiting and waiting, and I sort of thought Whitney might show up, thus providing the perfect Lisa Love/LAX fakeout. But then, why would they be standing at the International Terminal if Whitney were heading off to New York? Sure enough, our theories were soon put to rest when we saw that LC was clearly driving on the Pacific Coast Highway, home to Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, and now J-Wahl. Yes, in a move that was equally unsurprising and regrettable, LC gave Lisa Love the big “F-U” and decided to shack up with Jason for the summer. Looks like True Love won out over Lisa Love (giving myself a high five for that one). Luckily, I can take solace in the fact that the Paris internship probably never existed in the first place, but still — what the hell was Lauren thinking? Returning to her dirtbag boyfriend instead of taking advantage of a wonderful opportunity? Just goes to show that at the end of the day, she’s just as silly as Heidi — except Heidi at least had the guts to drop her loser boyfriend.
What did you think about this finale? Did LC make the right choice?