Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
So many dilemmas facing the girls of The Hills this week. Was Heidi with child? Would Spencer advocate an abortion? And could Lauren resuscitate a magic candle? Yes, it’s all part of the coming-of-age experience that this show depicts so accurately. I for one can’t tell you how many flowers I had to sew onto umbrellas when I first moved to L.A.. A pure nightmare. Thank you, MTV, for finally portraying my struggle.Yes, there was plenty of silliness on this second, triumphant episode of the season. The fun started with Heidi, who we last saw holed up in the bathroom with her new friend, the CVS home pregnancy testing kit. As the show began, we eagerly awaited the results of her bathroom diagnosis, but alas, we weren’t given any info. Instead, Heidi walked solemnly out of the loo, eventually plopping down next to a perky Lauren who was doing her most favorite thing ever: sitting on a couch. Seriously, they should rename this show from The Hills to The Sofa.
Actually, Lauren was doing something productive: she was making a list for her birthday which was months and months away. Oh. Okay. I guess there weren’t any sudoku puzzles lying around. Anyway, LC asked Heidi why she had left work early, and she replied “I had a lot on my mind.” It’s true. She had just learned that there exists a whole set of numbers beyond 35.
Okay, okay. I kid. Of course what had been occupying Heidi’s thoughts was the possibility that she may be preggers, and when she told this to Lauren, well, let’s just say it didn’t take long for LC to bust out her famous Laser Eyes of Disapproval. Soon, Lauren realized she should probably be supportive rather than judgmental, and so she began guilting Heidi, asking her why the heck she hadn’t told her sooner. Heidi explained that she just didn’t want to talk to anyone about it and wasn’t sure if she should say anything to Spencer because then maybe he’d leave her yada yada yada. But Lauren refused to accept that answer. The way she saw it, Heidi could tell her anything. Lauren then made a little anti-Spencer zinger about not cheating, but all I could think about was whether or not Audrina was going to have a pregnancy scare now. She WOULD. Bitch.
After the opening credits, we then found ourselves at Bolthouse Productions where Heidi was taking a break from her busy job of sitting around. She called up Spencer, who answered his phone with unbridled levels of bullshit in his voice. “What a pleasant little surprise!” he gushed, clearly not realizing that the camera crew in his passenger seat probably should have tipped him off to this alleged “surprise.” Anyway, Heidi told him that they had to talk right away. “Meet me in the back alley,” she instructed as fears of some awful, Spencer-led abortion raced through my head. I could totally imagine it too. Spencer would totally get in there, smile widely, and announce, “I’m on your team, embryo! Have you been to Don Antonio’s?”
Meanwhile, over at Teen Vogue, we found Lisa Love on the phone stating “NO… NO, he’s not.” Oh damn! Someone just got Loved! Lauren and Whitney then entered the room, and Lisa informed them that they’d have to work at the Ashley Paige fashion show the next night. This was very important because Ashley was a friend of Amy Astley, and for those of you who don’t remember, Amy Astley is like the big deal head honcho at Teen Vogue. We know this because when Amy popped up last season, she sported a status-conscious Miranda Priestley hairstyle that just seemed to say, “Why is no one reeeadddy???”
Well, everything seemed great, but suddenly Whitney noted that she had school the next day. Oh Whitney. To paraphrase Ms. Love, you’ll always be known as the girl who didn’t go to the Ashley Paige fashion show. Surprisingly, Lisa was quite tolerant to this conflict, saying, “School is very important.” She then leveled a gaze at Lauren that seemed to say, “Yes, school is very important, UNLIKE COKE HEAD BOYFRIENDS WITH HOUSES IN MALIBU! YOU’LL ALWAYS BE THE GIRL WHO DIDN’T GO TO PARIS. ALWAYS!!!“
Instead, however, Lisa merely said, “Lauren, it means I’m gonna have to count on you. You think you can do this on your own?” Translation: are you going to be a massive disappointment to me again, much as you were several months ago when you turned down Paris for your vapid boyfriend???
Of course, Lauren said she would be up for the challenge, prompting Lisa to then remark, “I’m counting on you.” She then added, “I wish you were Whitney.”
Meanwhile, over at the surprisingly clean back alley of Bolthouse Productions, Heidi’s abortion was about to begin. Okay, maybe it wasn’t an abortion, but whatever interaction she was going to have with Spencer was soon upon us as he pulled up in his slick BMW. “Well, hello dear!” he grandly stated as Heidi hopped in the car. It’s amazing how punchable he is, especially with that ever widening smile that makes his face look like a giant, helium balloon.
Anyway, Spence quickly detected that something was up (apparently the whole back alley mandate failed to raise any red flags). He asked, “What’s with the whole serious aura here?” Yeah, it was really intruding on his preferred “Goofy, idiotic, fame-hungry aura.” Well, Heidi revealed that she had been feeling sick and nauseous of late, and at a certain point, Spencer’s brain finally clicked into action (only allowed once a week) and he realized that his girl might be pregnant. He was totally flabbergasted, but he tried not to show it. Instead, he kept his goofy grin at full power and then awkwardly sipped from a water bottle as if to say, “Holy shit. If this bitch and her kid get their hands on my inheritance…” Of course, he didn’t say any of that. All he did manage to eek out was a dumbfounded “Well…”
Heidi then expressed all her confusion, saying that she liked Spencer and she knew he liked her too — at which point, he interrupted and returned to his old phony, douchebag ways. “I more than like you, Heidi,” Spencer said repeatedly. Yes, that’s right. He more than likes you. He really likes you! If that’s not commitment, I don’t know what is.
Spencer then announced, “I’m on team Heidi.” Hmmm… if memory serves me correctly, he just to Audrina last week that he was on her team. Just goes to show: Spencer plays for both teams.
Well, all this was fun and everything, but Heidi had a confession. She had taken the pregnancy test and… she wasn’t pregnant. Yay! This of course begged the question: why did she drag him all the way down to the back alley to tell him she wasn’t pregnant? Surely the producers never would have insisted on such a stagey, illogical event! Understandably, Spencer was irritated at Heidi for scaring him so much. This was all a test, you see. Heidi just wanted to gauge his reaction and determine whether or not he was sincere about their relationship. Of course, she didn’t take into consideration the MTV cameras because quite honestly, you know that if they hadn’t been on national TV, Spencer would have been yelling, “ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!” like some computer mid-meltdown.
Ultimately, the conversation meandered onto Audrina as Spencer detected that Heidi was still unsure about his loyalties. “I never tried to hook up with Audrina!” he insisted, adding, “I just wanted to have lots and lots of sex with her.”
Okay, he didn’t say that, but we all know he was thinking it (let’s not forget his gentlemanly offer of a free massage for Audrina last week).
Anyway, after the break, we found LC and Heidi in their apartment kitchen. “Going to work?” Heidi asked.
“Mmmm hmmm,” Lauren replied, causing Heidi to then squeal, “Me too!” WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!! Two people in the same room going to work at the same time? Now I’ve heard it all!
Well, Heidi told Lauren all about Spencer’s reaction to the pregnancy, and after they were done discussing that, Heidi then announced, “I have a brilliant idea!” A first for everything! Anyway, Heidi then unveiled her brilliant idea:
“From now on, I’m gonna eat soup with a spoon instead of a fork. I bet it’ll work!”
Okay, that wasn’t the idea. Heidi’s wonder-plan was that she wanted LC to go on a date with Brody Jenner, son of Bruce Jenner and former boy-toy for Kristin Cavalleri and Nicole Richie. As you can imagine, Lauren was not thrilled with this idea. “HEIDI! He’s been touched by Kristin! He’s like tainted!” she balked, then adding, “Wait a second. He’s been touched by Kristin. My kind of man!”
Nevertheless, Lauren told Heidi that it would have to be a raincheck for Brody Jenner, but oops! Heidi had already given him Lauren’s number. If this were a sitcom (and I’m not totally convinced that it’s not), someone would then put their hands on their hips and say, “Heiiiii-di!”
Well, Lauren reprimanded her friend, ordering her to not give her number out to guys. “He’s not just a guy,” Heidi replied. “It’s Spencer’s best friend!” GREAT! And Spencer seems like such a great judge of character. Ultimately, Heidi was left with nothing else to do but to bask in her matchmaking prowess. “Such a good idea!” she glowed. Something tells me Lauren liked her friend more when she was preggers.
Lauren then went off to the chaotic Ashley Paige boutique, which was in a total frenzy with the runway show just a few hours away. It was sort of like how I imagined World War I to be if it were fought with a bunch of sassy gay men and patterned fabrics. Anyway, as soon as Lauren entered the place, Ashley ordered her to man the phones, demanding that she must answer by saying, “STUDIO!” This was reiterated many times by many different people to the point where I wanted to yell, “YES! WE GET IT! STUDIO!!!” Personally, I would have answered the phone with “WORST PLACE ON EARTH!” but I guess that would be unprofessional.
No sooner had Ashley assigned this task than she was already disparaging Lauren, saying, “Interns never know how to answer phones. It’s ridiculous.” Oh, how horrid it is when someone fails to announce “STUDIO!” over the phone! Of course, if there was anything worse than a telecommunications-challenged intern, it’s a magic candle on the verge of ruination! Yes, in a situation that cried “PURE CRISIS!!!”, Ashley’s “magic candle” had somehow entered a critical state as the once proud wick was now hidden amidst a sea of wax. HEAVENS NO!!! This apparently was a major problem for Ashley because she truly believed in the candle’s magic powers (it is a magic candle), and it just so happened to be that this magic candle was a money candle. If that wick was not returned to its former glory, her entire boutique might have to file for bankruptcy!
“Do you know how to dig out wax?” Ashley asked condescendingly, as if digging wax were just slightly less demanding than neuro-surgery. LC said she could do it, and as she began her odyssey of picking at nasty, green wax, Ashley suddenly bombarded her with a new question: “What time is it? You should be wearing a watch!” This comes from the woman who’s not wearing a watch.
Anyway, in a stunning turn of events, Lauren managed to rescue the wick, and as we had always hoped and dreamed, the magic candle burned anew! Hallelujah! This was such a momentous occasion that Ashley’s other intern had to call her over and point this out. Seriously, these people acted as if they’d been picking away at that candle for a good three months or so.
Showing that she was quite the prodigy when it came to candle surgery, LC then faced her next task: umbrella suture! Ashley handed her a dumb umbrella with tassels and flowers attached to it and then ordered LC to sew more flowers on. But wait! There was a catch! Ashley sternly warned, “Don’t make it look tacky.” Er. Tacky-er.
Suddenly, we heard the roar of angry music (or as angry as music on this show gets), and sure enough, we found Audrina at her apartment, surely plotting evil deeds against Heidi. Suddenly the phone rang, and guess who it was? Spencer!
“Well, look who it is! My favorite person in the world!” he said, the bullshit practically oozing out of my television speakers. Spencer asked Audrina if she wanted to go to dinner (DON ANTONIO’S????), but in a surprise move, she turned him down, saying that she didn’t want to exacerbate things between her and Heidi. Spencer tried to change her mind, but The Drina merely hung up, causing Spencer to mumble, “Aud just hangs up.” Thanks for the clarification! Feel free to narrate more completely obvious things.
We then cut to the big fashion show where Ashley’s assistant barked at Lauren to stop playing with her hair and to stand up straight and to save a pack of tragically neglected votive candles. Okay, maybe not that last thing. Anyway, Wh-Wh-Wh-Whitney finally showed up to help out (and no, she did not spend half the evening ogling at male models — there were none). Just as things were reaching a most frenetic level of chaos, LC’s phone rang, and guess who it was? BRODY JENNER. Worst timing ever! Thanks producers!
Lauren had to blow the Brodester off on account of the fashion show starting, and then we were treated to a quick montage of the models walking the runway, all to the tunes of the Pussycat Dolls, natch. I was really hoping we’d get an 8th and Ocean crossover, but the best we could do was a Top Model cameo by the increasingly ubiquitous Eva Pigford. I guess that’s good enough.
After the show, Ashley suddenly became über nice to Lauren, saying she wanted to steal her away from Lisa Love, but that’s probably because she most likely had a whole menorah that needed wick rejuvenation. LC then returned back to her apartment where Brody called yet again, and after some idle chit chat, the two agreed to go on a date the next night. This is the part of the sitcom where the live studio audience would go “Ooooooh!”
The next day, Lisa Love demanded a private audience with Lauren. I feared she might come baring some grim news regarding Ashley’s magic candle, but instead Lisa was full of cheer. She relayed how much Ashley loved her and then talked about how Lauren’s strength really seemed to be fashion show production. Glad that only took a year to figure out. Anyway, Lisa then dismissed Lauren with a rare, toothy grin, perhaps quietly thinking “I wonder if Lauren can do anything with my antique candelabra…”
We then found Lauren getting ready for her big date, and of course, an excited Heidi chirped away in her ear like a tiny dog about to receive a biscuit. Turns out this was going to be LC’s first date since the era of Jason, but she wasn’t going to get too caught up in it. In her mind, it was just going to be dinner — nothing too big. Of course, the last time anyone on The Hills just went to dinner, she wound up nearly pregnant and playing pranks on her boy in a back alley.
Anyway, Lauren and Brody went to dinner at Social, a trendy nightclub in Hollywood, and considering his previous girlfriends, I had to admit that Brody seemed considerably less douchebaggy than you’d think. However, it’s not hard to look like Prince Charming on a show that’s prominently featured J-Wahl, Spencer, Jordan, and Jordan’s dumb friend Brian.
The two made flirtatious banter about the way Lauren smiles, and as they talked, I couldn’t help thinking that Brody resembled an older, darker haired Cameron from season three of Laguna Beach. Anyway, despite that he was Kristin’s sloppy seconds, Lauren seemed to enjoy Brody’s company, and as the episode ended, it was clear that this would be the beginning of a torrid love affair. And by “torrid,” I mean “perfectly framed to last the duration of the season.”
What did you think about this episode? Was Heidi cruel to test Spencer like that? Is Ashley Paige the most ridiculous woman ever? And do we approve of Brody or no?