Is The Hills quite possibly the best reality show EVER? No, probably not. But dammit if that’s the feeling you get after every episode in its wonderful sophomore season. At last, the show that was kind of like Laguna but not really has found its voice, and it is great. Petty arguments, insincere bitches, thinly veiled passive-aggression, and a handful of idiotic comments — it all makes for compelling television. Granted, I could do without the nonstop questions circling LC and her relationship with Brody Jenner, and I could also probably go without the incessant Jennerisms, which border on such simplistic observations as “Your hair is pretty.” But I guess that stuff sends all the thirteen year old girls into a rapturous frenzy, and who am I to deny a tween her God-given right to swoon uncontrollably?This week started with a stern warning from Lauren: beware, aspiring suitors. She wasn’t ready to see anyone, not even “a guy as nice as Brody.” NOT EVEN BRODY???? WTF??? No source of such smiling niceness should ever be denied! You are a cruel she-beast, Ms. Lauren Conrad! Methinks you’ve been spending too much time under the harsh rule of one Lisa Love.
However, Lauren’s reticence to welcome such nice boys as Brody Jenner into her life wasn’t the only big story of this episode. The exciting news was that Heidi was going to be celebrating her birthday, which could only lead to disaster. It’s pretty much an unspoken rule that any event on The Hills that promises joy, happiness, and fun will almost always be undermined by cattiness, passive-aggression, and, if J-Wahl is involved, cocaine. Well, for this big soiree, we could already see the next disaster coming a mile away. Yes, Heidi wanted to have the best party, and that entailed keeping Audrina far, far away. Good luck with that. I’m sure the producers will gladly see to it that she’s stuck singing karaoke in Little Armenia that night.
Anyway, in anticipation of Heidi’s big night, she and Lauren hit up a little boutique to do some shopping. This, of course, led to Audrina-bashing with Heidi saying, “We’re not friends; so I’m not going to invite someone who’s not my friend.” Seemed logical, but, since this was Heidi, it wasn’t long before she stopped making sense entirely.
“I don’t dislike her; so I don’t care if she’s there,” Heidi then said/blatantly lied. Oddly enough, she then added, “But I’m not going to invite her because I don’t like her.” Hmmm… I wonder if Heidi realized she just contradicted herself completely. She basically just said, “I don’t hate Audrina. It’s just that I hate Audrina.”
Nevertheless, it really didn’t matter because there were more important things to discuss: like the fact that Heidi would be wearing a tiara to her party — not that she lavishes in the attention or anything. Yes, this was so going to be a catastrophe. Any party that’s presided over by a girl in a tiara will almost always end with an $800 cake on a floor and perhaps broken glass too. However, for now, everything was just wonderful for Heidi, and as she entered a daydream world filled with tiaras and marshmallow clouds, we then watched the opening credits roll by, eventually leaving us with a wide shot of Los Angeles and the words “THE BEST NIGHT EVER” on screen. Bring it, MTV. Bring it.
Anyway, we then found LC meeting up with a freshly shorn Brody Jenner (such a nice guy!) for lunch. Like a white, preppy version of Kid from Kid ‘n’ Play, Brody’s hair was now tall and curly, making him look about fourteen years old and goofier than usual. “Don’t laugh at my haircut,” he told Lauren, but he needn’t worry. Let’s not forget that she spent a good portion of last year dating Jason, a guy whose hair more often than note resembled a sparrow’s nest.
Speaking of Jason, Brody decided to probe Lauren about her relationship with the silent coke fiend, asking “Did it end on a bad note?” Um, just slightly. However, LC merely shrugged and played it off, as if we didn’t see that whole awkward, teary golf club exchange on the season premiere. Yeah, totally amicable split. And by “amicable,” I mean “she sobbed her eyes out, he got stoned and giggled.”
Lauren then turned the tables on Brody, asking him about his love life too. “You went from Kristin to Nicole, right?” she asked, referring to fellow reality stars Kristin Cavalleri and Nicole Richie. Well, Brody’s brain promptly shut down as he tried to remember a) if he had dated the girls in that order, b) if there were any girls in between, and c) who the hell “Kristin” and “Nicole” were in the first place.
Ultimately, Brody said that yes, he had gone from Kristin to Nicole with very little transition time between the two. This shocked Lauren, who couldn’t understand how Brody could never be single. Well, if Brody were single, then he’d never be able to say those cheeseball lines that girls love so much. Lines like what he said next: “I’m still looking for someone to cuddle with.” Awwwww. Brody…. Other things he’s looking for: A CAREER.
Speaking of careers, we then found Audrina talking to fellow EPIC INTERN (I feel like any time you call an intern “epic,” it must be capitalized) Chiara. She explained how she wasn’t invited to Heidi’s birthday party, but she still wanted to wish her happy birthday — maybe even show off her herpes-infested lip. Well, this was all very kindergarten to Chiara. In her opinion, Audrina should just go to the party, wish Heidi happy birthday, and see how things go from there. Oh Chiara, what a drama enabler you are!
Audrina then bashed Spencer a little bit, saying, “He is a dirt bag. He is a pig.” She then added that this would be the last time she’d try to get through to Heidi. Oh heavens no! We wouldn’t want Audrina to stop trying to latch onto the LC clique! That would be a travesty! Color me concerned!
Meanwhile, over in glamourous Beverly Hills, LC and Heidi settled into two chairs at the Warren Tricomi Salon and raised two glasses of suspiciously champagne-colored water. “To the best night ever!” Lauren toasted, clearly not realizing that the S. S. Audrina was sailing into port tonight.
Later, Heidi babbled on about her birthday outfit, saying she’d be wearing something sexy and sophisticated — a.k.a. a black tutu. I’m not fashion maven, but I don’t usually associated “sophisticated” with “tutu,” but again, what do I know? Heidi then declared, “I’m an American princess!” Yes, we’ve been saying that for quite some time. Glad you finally came around, Heid.
Sadly, Lauren revealed some bad news. Dearest Whitney would not be attending the Princess’s grand ball on account of being too tired. I hardly believed this story, mostly because any time Whitney’s invited to hang out with Lauren’s friends, she usually perks up like a dog about to fetch a bone. Nevertheless, she was gonna be a no-show, but that was okay. As long as The Drina was nowhere to be found, Heidi would be happy. In fact, Heidi announced that Audrina was definitely not coming to the party. How did she know? She didn’t really. She just assumed the royal decree would make its way to her — Heidi is a princess after all.
“She can come., but she’s not coming to my party,” Heidi laughed, the power of the precious tiara already turning her into a latter-day party Golem.
In fact, by the time the birthday bash at Les Deux (yes, the very same establishment owned by Big Brother’s Mike Boogie) rolled around, Heidi had turned into full-fledged diva. With tiara firmly in place and tutu flapping about, she galavanted about the room, literally yelling, “I’M SO CUTE!!!!” And just in case we didn’t believe her, she then noted, “Nobody can eat me. I’M SO CUTE!!!!” SILENCE.
“I’M SO CUTE!!! LOOK AT ME!!! I’M CUTE!!!!”
“And now I am British and demure.”
While Heidi proclaimed her cuteness/degree of edibility, Spencer and Brody commiserated in the corner, eyeing Lauren. Spencer wanted the Brodester to tap that ass, but Brody, being the super nice guy that he is, was hesitant. He had just gotten out of a relationship like a week ago.
“Today though…” Spencer said, causing both of them to stare at each other and laugh for entirely way longer than the unfinished though merited.
Just when this party was starting to feel like it just may have been the Best Night Ever, in came the torpedo of awfulness that was THE DRINA. Even worse, she had two cell phones going at once. Oh, she is insufferable!. As soon as she was spotted by Lauren and Heidi from their perch high above the club, the two went into stealth mode. Or perhaps, “frantic ladybug pandemonium” mode. Yes, like two little insects caught between a window pane and the screen, the two darted around chaotically without actually going anywhere. They ultimately wound up slinking around with Jen, formerly of Laguna and most famous for never fearing to apply that extra layer of foundation to her face.
Well, they could run, but they couldn’t hide. Lauren was the first unlucky person to encounter the vortex of torpor that is Audrina, and that could only mean one thing: phony pleasantries. The two exchanged fake hugs and greetings, and almost as quickly as it had began, Lauren quickly ended it by stating, “I’ll be back in five minutes, okay?” She then added, “DIE!”
Moments later, we then saw Heidi literally trying to run past Audrina, but no one could get by her wretched demon eyes. The Drina managed to stop her and wish her happy birthday, which kicked off a brief conversation that could only be categorized as icy, icy cold.
“You’re not mad at me, are you?” Audrina asked, clearly not realizing that when you’re not invited to a birthday party, it usually means that person HATES you.
“No,” a curt Heidi replied. Brrrrrrrrrr! I believe there’s some frost accumulating on my TV screen!
Audrina then tried to talk about the whole situation with Heidi, but it was such a downer topic and truthfully, not a very good time to bring it up. Heidi said she wanted to talk about it another time, causing Audrina to agree and say, “We’ll talk about it later. Did you–”
But The Drina was suddenly cut off by Heidi randomly blaring out, “Oh, snap!” It didn’t really make sense — the best I could approximate was that someone had distracted Heidi away from the conversation (probably by dangling some yarn). Nevertheless, Audrina put up her hand as if to say, “Oh no you did not just say ‘Oh snap!’ right when I was talking to you!” and walked away.
Just when it seemed as though the worst of it was over, none other than Jen decided to stir the pot. You see, Heidi has somehow graduated from sidekick to Master status, which meant there was a void in the power balance of The Hills. Hence, the presence of Jen — a shared sidekick for both Heidi and Lauren. As a sidekick, it was her duty to defend the honor of her Master, which meant she now wanted to go over to Audrina and talk some sense into her. According to Jen, Aud was talking smack about Heidi behind her back, and I’m sorry, Jen was not going to stand for that. NO ONE CAN STOP JEN, DEFENDER OF HEIDI MONTAG!
Sure enough, Jen approached Audrina and essentially told her to go away, attacking, “You’re such a random girl. You don’t know anything about the situation!” Oh the plight of the uninformed, random girl. Will they ever learn? We then cut to Brody and Spencer, who were still giggling about who knows what, possibly enjoying the burgeoning drama unfolding amidst the women of the party.
Back at the Jen-frontation, Audrina claimed that all she wanted to do was come by say happy birthday and then go back downstairs to the rest of the club. “I think that’s the best idea,” Jen said, amusingly adding, “Not that I don’t like you or anything.” NICE SAVE. Good ol’ Jen. Just in case sidekicking duties don’t work out with Lauren and Heidi, she’s still trying to kiss up to The Drina.
Ultimately, this all wound up with Audrina leaving the club in tears, asking her friend on the phone, “What did I do???” What did you do? WELL… you…. um…. you did nothing technically, but don’t you see? You’re clearly AWFUL! I mean, even though it’s Spencer who’s been the idiot ass who destroyed a perfectly nice friendship, clearly you’re to blame, Audrina!
Later that night, we found Lauren, Heidi, and Jen back at the apartment, huddled together on the couch, enjoying some Chinese takeout. Still campaigning to be the next official sidekick, Jen did some more shameless ass-kissing, this time praising Heidi’s anticipatory duck sauce benevolence. “Oh, you’re so sweet! You knew I wanted to dip! You did it for me!” Jen cooed. Kind of made me wonder what sort of dreary background she comes from where the simple act of making duck sauce readily available is greeted with unbridled joy. I can just imagine Jen as a child, reaching for the duck sauce, only to have her father yank it away from her, yelling, “NO CONDIMENTS FOR YOU! Now put on another layer of makeup like I told you!”
Anyway, after talking about the party a little bit, the focus then returned to Lauren and whether or not she was dating Brody. Don’t you get it, guys? She doesn’t want a relationship right now… as evidenced by the way her eyes glow and her heart goes pitter-pat every times she speaks about Brody (such a nice guy).
Ultimately, Lauren pondered, “Why do we always compare guys to accessories?”, causing Heidi to reply, “Because they’re disposable.” OH NO SHE DI’INT! Meanwhile, I’d like to see someone try to throw out one of Heidi’s accessories. Yeah, probably not as easy as it sounds. We’re not so disposable after all! Ha!
The next day, we then headed over to the Teen Vogue offices where sadly, we were not treated to a scene with Lisa Love. Instead, we heard Whitney yapping away about how she just got a manicure and now it was already chipped. HORRORS! Blame Audrina!
Speaking of The Drina, she called up Lauren and asked her if they could go to lunch, an inevitable chore whose time had come. Knowing that this could be a truly terrible experience, Lauren enlisted the help of Whitney, and the two girls headed over to Café Verona where they met up with the bête noire of Los Angeles. At first, everything was fine and dandy. Audrina asked forced questions about Lauren’s love life, and for the umpteenth time, we heard LC talk about how she just wanted to be single right now. Eventually, this superficial small talk ran its course, and the trio were left with nothing but awkward, awkward silence. Personally, I didn’t know what the hell was wrong with Whitney. The whole reason she was there was to break the silence with some dopey comment like “I heard that orioles are really beautiful birds. Don’t you wish there were orioles in Los Angeles?”
However, Whitney was tight-lipped, which meant that the girls had to finally broach the subject of Heidi. Audrina insisted that she wasn’t aiming to ruin the birthday party, and Lauren then explained that Heidi just didn’t want to talk about it, and the two girls went back and forth, affably talking about the situation without actually confronting it. And in case you’re wondering, Whitney added nothing to the dialogue, except for sighing, “Girl fights…” So true. So true.
Well, nothing really seemed to be gained from the talk, and when it was over, the girls returned to their old, superficial ways. “Just because me and Heidi aren’t friends doesn’t mean that we can’t be,” Audrina told LC. Yeah, um, you’re pretty much out of the loop. Smell ya later, Aud!
After the commercial break, Lauren dutifully reported back everything to Heidi, who quietly absorbed the information, thought about it, and for a moment appeared to have an expression of remorse on her face. However, she bottled that all up and jokingly said, “I don’t care. I have too many friends and too little time!” Yes, that demanding schedule of standing outside a club with a clipboard one night a week was entirely too all-encompassing.
Speaking of clubs, we then saw LC and Heidi out at local hotspot Area, and guess who was there? That’s right. THE DRINA. The girls stayed away from each other, merely sufficing to shoot each other nasty looks instead. Of course, Brody and Spencer soon arrived, causing Heidi to announce, “I think this party is secretly starting now, officially!” She then added, “AND I AM SO DAMN CUTE!!!!! CUTE CUTE CUTE!!!!”
Okay, she didn’t say that, but while she welcomed Spencer, Audrina and her friends scoffed from afar, with one girls correctly stating, “Spencer is the ultimate cheese.” It was an understatement, really.
Nevertheless, Spencer told Heidi, “Do not let that girl come between us tonight, please,” — as if it were all Audrina’s fault that there was even a fight in the first place. Meanwhile, Lauren sat on a couch with Jen, but the aspiring sidekick was soon quite literally displaced when she was kicked off the seat to make room for her Master’s love interest, Brody. Yes, literally everyone was sitting except Jen, who was left to stand and hover over the group awkwardly. If that’s not sidekick behavior, I don’t know what is.
Well, now that he had a seat next to LC, the Brodester could start working his magic. “You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen,” he told her, quietly winning her over with his unchecked niceness. Sure enough, we suddenly found the two back at Brody’s condo (which is a mere two or three blocks away from the TVgasm home offices, it should be known). I enjoyed watching them walk through the front door and act completely unsurprised that there happened to be a camera man already in the living room, lying in wait to document them. Not that this show is staged or anything…
Anyway, the two headed out to the balcony where Brody planted a small kiss on Lauren’s lips, but she soon rebuffed him, forcing him to settle for just a hug. This led to what felt like two hours of flirty dialogue, with Brody complimenting nearly ever feature of Lauren’s face. Well, there’s nothing like some flattery to warm a girl’s heart. Brody managed to penetrate the fortress and kiss Lauren again, this time for longer (but just as nicely, as is his nature). This was then intercut with Heidi kissing Spencer, and of course, Audrina leaving the club ALONE. Looks like she’s got a one way ticket to Spinsterville!
“I want us to get old together — but of course, I’ll have to insist on annual face lifts, as per my father’s wishes.”
Poor, plain Audrina. Is she misunderstood? Or more guilty than she lets on? And is anyone on Team Audrina? So many pressing questions! What did you think about this episode?