Here’s how I usually do my TVgasm writing on a Monday night. I watch The Hills, then I write the recap, then I watch 24, and then I write that recap. However, since last night’s episode of 24 was a mammoth two hours long, I figured I’d watch the perils of Jack Bauer before returning to the wonderful world of LC and Heidi and everyone in between. Needless to say, switching gears from terrorist intrigue and murderous grandfathers to passive-aggressive florist adventures is not the easiest task in the world. However, just a few minutes of remembering this fine episode with its copious amounts of Lisa Love haughtiness, Spencer stupidity, and Jen mojito-threatening was enough to rejuvenate my recapping mojo. Oh, Hills. You make Monday my favorite night of the week.This week’s episode began the morning after last week’s show when Heidi had caught Spencer cavorting with a dozen Playboy playmates. Lauren, Heidi, and Audrina all lounged around the apartment, reminiscing on the night that was, with Heidi describing her current, moribund state of mind. “I’m dead. This is death face,” she said, pointing to her visage, which was apparently crossing the river Styx at that moment. Coincidentally, across town, Spencer was pointing to his own head and telling Brody Jenner, “This is dancing-balloon-man face.”
Anyway, after everyone had carefully inspected Heidi’s face of eternal repose, discussion quickly shifted onto more engaging topics, specifically Spencer and his womanizing ways. “He’s just dirtbag, Heidi!” Audrina commented, happily graduating the word “dirtbag” into the welcomed status of adjective. She then completely turned Heidi’s world upside down by revealing that Spencer had brought roses to Audrina when they had met at Pinkberry.
“WHAT??? WHAT???” Heidi balked, furious that Spencer would ever deign to bring floral arrangements to this mecca of fro-yo goodness. Well, actually, she was more upset that he would give roses to THE DRINA, and of course, the girls all got into a tizzy, venting their mounting frustration at Spencer until finally Lauren declared, “CALL HIM ON SPEAKER RIGHT NOW AND SO HE CAN’T LIE! JUST DO IT!!!” And as we all know, it’s impossible to lie on the speaker phone. Some say it’s the closest mankind’s come to a truth serum.
Well, Heidi called up her boy and yelled, “You brought MY roses to AUDRINA at PINKBERRY!?!?!” Wait until she hears about the Peruvian lilies he took to Elodie at Ben & Jerry’s!
“WE HOOKED UP THAT NIGHT!” Heidi continued, still unhinged over this floral dis. Spencer tried to voice some sort of defense, but unfortunately, we couldn’t really hear it. I imagine it went something like “Hey babe, I’m on Team Roses!” Soon, the other girls chimed in quietly, cheerleading Heidi and telling her not to let Spencer turn this all around on her — which I’m sure he did anyway. The call eventually ended, and Lauren advised, “Don’t ever get involved with someone who can manipulate you like that.” You know, like JASON.
We then watched the opening credits and soon found ourselves at Teen Vogue where a preamble of flower and shoe imagery gave way to none other than the grand dame of the fashion industry, Ms. Lisa Love. Time for some passive aggression!
LC and Wh-wh-wh-Whitney took seats in front of their boss, who politely yet disdainfully asked, “Are you both coming tomorrow?” I didn’t know what she was referring to, but I knew it had to be good. Any event endorsed by Lisa Love is always worth the price of admission. Well, Whitney said she’d be unable to attend whatever this event was on account of her getting her wisdom teeth out. I immediately became very excited as the prospect of a swollen, chipmunk-faced Whitney proved too tantalizing for words. Lisa, on the other hand, was less enthused. With her voice dripping in haughty sarcasm, she commented, “That’s, that’s comfortable.” She then added, “I shan’t be associating with you. BE GONE!”
“Excuse me, Whitney, whilst I remove you from my Christmas card list.”
After a while, LiLove clued us in as to what the hell was going on “tomorrow.” It was a luncheon, and none other than Jane Keltner would be coming. Oh, how wonderful! JANE KELTNER! I don’t know who she is, but heck if I’m not excited! Jane, however, was bringing her own intern, Emily, and we knew that could only mean bad news…
Nevertheless, Lisa Love only had wonderful things to say about this Emily character. “She’s supposed to be incredible. She’s really hard working,” she said, “Unlike you two with your wisdom teeth surgery and beach houses in Malibu.”
Okay, maybe Lisa didn’t say that, but she did list off some tasks for the girls to do in preparation of this luncheon, saying “You might want to do an Excel sheet for me with their phone numbers and addresses.” I liked how she made that optional sounding. Yeah, you might just want to do an Excel spreadsheet. And if you don’t feel like doing that, you might want to PACK YOUR BAGS AND HEAD BACK TO PARK LA BREA!!!
Before dismissing the girls, Lisa then asked, “Who’s the one with the better writing?” Sheepishly, Lauren nodded to Whitney, admitting that her writing might not be ideal:
With Whit assigned to the writing, Lisa then cast her steely gaze on Lauren and declared, “You’ll do the list.” She then added, “It’s a job we reserve for… [looking at LC's handwriting, appearing dismayed]… the commoners.”
Okay, okay. Lisa never articulated that last part; although, I’m sure she thought it. However, before the girls left the office, Lisa reminded them, “Remember: this is the Teen Vogue way of doing things.” And just like that, I had a new catch phrase I’ve been sure to use at any possible instance. I know it might be annoying, but quite frankly, it’s the Teen Vogue way of doing things.
After the meeting, Lauren and Whitney talked about this mysterious Emily and how she had a reputation for being quite precise. “And that’s so not like me,” Lauren said, adding, “Unless, of course, there’s a magic candle wick to be resuscitated.”
Meanwhile, over at Bolthouse Productions, Spencer called up Heidi, who actually answered the phone for once. Sure enough, Spence greeted her with his annoying, lilting voice, this time tinged with passive-aggression. “Look who picks up their phone! About time!” he said, adding, “I’m on Team Answer Phone.”
Well, Spence asked Heidi why she was being so weird and why she was whispering on the phone, to which Heidi replied that she was at work and couldn’t speak loudly. Apparently, this was a new policy (last time I checked, Heidi was the queen of loudly yapping EVERYWHERE SHE WENT). Anyway, while an oddly buttoned-up Elodie quietly observed from afar, the two former lovebirds bickered, with Spencer trying repeatedly to clear his name. “I’m not a liar!” he insisting, clearly overlooking all those times he, you know, lied. Eventually, Heidi proclaimed that she needed to clear her head, causing Spencer to ask what exactly was in her head — aside from echoey noises and the occasional calliope tune. “Playmates running around all over you [are] in my head,” Heidi replied, to which Spencer said, “Yeah, that’s in my head too. Isn’t it great?”
Actually, what Spencer really said was that he wanted Heidi in his life — why else would he be calling? (Um, because he’s a douchebag who just wants a booty call and doesn’t want anyone mad at him and likes to play mindgames with girls?) Heidi told her boy that she needed a week to just think things through, but Spencer was resistant to that idea. WE DON’T TAKE WEEKS OFF IN L.A., MAN!
“You take a week. Let’s see if I’m here to call!” he sneered, as if he’d ever stray far from Heidi and the cameras of MTV. By the way, nothing says “I really do love you” like threatening to be dating a new girl within a week.
After the commercial break, we shifted gears away from Spencer and onto Emily, the much-hyped New York intern. We knew she was from New York because she wore all black, her hair was dark, and she spoke with a sophisticated patois. Anyway, she made herself quickly at home in the intern closet, rattling off a list of “tasks” that she and Lauren needed to do. I only put “tasks” in quotes merely because the idea of including “We’ve got some Mapquesting to do” as a task seemed a bit of a stretch to me. It’s like putting “Launch Firefox” as an item on a To-Do list.
Anyway, Emily, who may or may not have thought she was a project manager on The Apprentice, came to a screeching halt when LC dropped a bomb on her: Emily would have to address the envelopes because Lauren’s penmanship was subpar. She was thus banned from touching any and all envelopes. Upon hearing this news, Emily stopped in her tracks and stared at Lauren as if she were an oversized, talking platypus. She shouldn’t gawk. It’s not the Teen Vogue way of doing things.
“YOU HAVE BAD PENMANSHIP??? MY NEW YORK SOPHISTICATE SENSIBILITIES ARE OFFENDED!”
Over at Bolthouse, a weathered girl named Jen (I think) approached Heidi and confirmed that Spencer was, in fact, a douche. They discussed how he had flirted with all the playmates, and Jen asserted that it most certainly would not have been okay if her boyfriend had ever acted in such a way. There was more general, baggy-eyed discussion, and then we returned to our Teen Vogue interns who were now riding around in Lauren’s car. We learned that Emily was not only a superstar Teen Vogue intern, but also a full-time student at NYU and part-time worker at Chanel. Yeah, but were her sunglasses bigger than LC’s? I DON’T THINK SO!
The girls then arrived at the florist where Emily proved herself to be a whiz with every genus and species of flower on the planet. I swear, if she mentioned peonies one more time, I was going to shred every plant in a hundred-foot radius. However, as educated as Emily was with the flowers, when it came time to take pictures of them, did she have a digital camera? NO. It was LC who saved the day! Not that anyone really noticed. The florist was too busy gushing to Emily about the various horticulture in the shop. “These are incredible,” she said, pointing to a flower. The florist continued, “This is like the most incredible specimen of flower AVAILABLE!” Okay, seriously. Relax. However, the florist became only more excited as Emily revealed that she too had this most amazing specimen of flowers at home. OF COURSE SHE DID. And don’t get Emily started on ranunculuses…
Well, the florist pretty much lost it when Emily correctly identified a dahlia without missing a beat. “You’re so smart!” she gushed, as LC hung back in the corner, feeling the harsh sting of floral ignorance. Oh, to earn the respect and adoration of a dowdy florist…
“I’m so impressed with your knowledge. Do you maybe, I don’t know, want to get some coffee? I have Taster’s Choice.”
Perhaps feeling inadequate for not being able to tell her Lilies of the Field from her Lilies-of-the-Valley, LC decided to drown away her sorrows that night with the girls at local restaurant Luna Park. Unsurprisingly, the topic of the evening did not focus on daffodils and hydrangeas, but instead boys, love, and Spencer.
“The thought of love right now makes me want to throw up,” Heidi said, causing Jen, the over-eager aspiring sidekick, to aggressively chime in with “NO, it makes ME want to throw up TOO because I don’t believe in it!” She then added, “See? I’m a great sidekick! Please make me yours! I’ll agree with whatever you want me to!”
Lauren, meanwhile, highlighted the benefits of having a boyfriend, saying that she really only missed having one when she had a lot of groceries. “I can’t lift them all!” she noted. In other news, Lauren has started to date a shopping cart.
Well, after only a few minutes of bashing love and boys and romance, none other than Spencer began texting Heidi’s T-Mobile Sidekick, much to Jen’s dismay. The quarrelsome third wheel scoffed, “Heidi, I’m going to take this Sidekick and, like, throw it in my mojito!” A threat if I’ve ever heard one before! Beware the wrath of Jen and her all-encompassing mojito of destruction!
In an amusing bit of Hills editing, we then saw the wait staff arrive with two big salads, but as soon as they were placed, the dishes mysteriously disappeared in the very next shot, lost in an unexplained salad vortex. That’s what I call continuity!
Nevertheless, the girls continued on without their salads, with Heidi proclaiming that the topic of Spencer had grown tiresome. “We don’t even want to talk about him,” she deluded herself. “This is ruining the night!” And with that, the conversation quickly shifted to an in depth discussion of Barack Obama’s domestic policy with regards for his plans to lower the unemployment rate.
We then went to commercial, and when we returned, we found ourselves at none other than Wh-wh-wh-Whitney’s parents’ house, which was apparently a Bavarian candy shoppe at one point in time. Yes, I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was a strict lederhosen dresscode on the estate, or as its formally known, Hansel-and-Gretelville.
Is Frodo home?
Well, while the house may have been built by the architecture firm of Grimm & Grimm, Whitney’s room was pure Xtina. I never would have thought this flowery domicile would house a room with leopard skin prints and a red canopy bed. Nevertheless, Lauren arrived to check in on her friend, asking, “How’d your wisdom teeth go?” To which Whitney responded, “Oh, you know, I’m INSTANTLY HEALED!” Yes, as far as I could tell, Whitney was completely lacking in the swelling department, which meant that either this scene was shot several weeks later or Whit had the healing abilities worthy of Heroes.
Anyway, Whitney explained that her surgery didn’t go so well, on account of having dry sockets, and then suddenly, the conversation shifted to talk of Emily and how she was super intern. But wait! I want to know about the dry sockets! What are they? How did she get them? WE NEED TO KNOW! This lack of information is certainly not the Teen Vogue way of doing things.
Alas, we never learned the answers as we headed on over to Bolthouse where Heidi requested the counsel of Elodie (thankfully returned to her normal, casual state). The two girls moved into an empty (but trendy) room where Heidi talked about Spencer, and Elodie, well, she just seemed thrilled to be on TV. The problem Heidi was having was that she was starting to miss Spence and his idiotic ways. UGH. Despite Elodie’s warnings, we could tell that Heidi was definitely headed back to Team Spencer.
“I’m so happy to be on TV!”
We then went to some swanky mansion where the Teen Vogue dinner was about to get underway. What’s that you say? This was supposed to be a luncheon? Details shmetails. Anyway, Emily had apparently raided the Los Angeles Botanical Gardens because the dinner table was overflowing with floral arrangements. Literally, it was like a wall of flowers running down the center of the table. She needed about five centerpieces, not five hundred.
Lauren made a passing comment that perhaps they should scale back on the horticulture, but soon Jane Keltner arrived (yes, the Jane Keltner), and she did nothing but validate Emily’s obsessive, excessive flower instincts. She LOVED the arrangements, almost as much as Emily LOVED the accolades. However, it all came down to Lisa Love, who regally entered the room, praised the table, and then quietly declared that there were entirely too many flowers present. In your FACE, Emily! Score one for Conrad!
Once half the floral arrangements were removed, Whitney and Lauren then stood around, literally waiting for direction and pondering if they’d get to participate in dinner. It was only logical — after all, Lisa had ordered them to dress up for the occasion. Well, because someone had backed out from the dinner (probably because they thought it was a luncheon), Lisa told Emily to join the table. As for the other two girls, smell ya later! DENIED! Score one for Emily! Of course, it’s not like they necessarily deserved to be at the dinner table. Last time I checked, Emily did, you know, all the work.
Later on, the two rejected diners found solace in some fast food, telling themselves that it was more fun to chill out in the car anyway. Yeah, whatever. Don’t try to fool us into thinking you can eat solid foods anyway, Whitney and your dry sockets!
Of course, Whitney put a shiny spin on their lowly situation, saying, “At least we got to be part of the process!” YOU SET A DAMN TABLE. Let’s not get too ridiculous now.
Anyway, as the show came to a close, we found Heidi marching out of her apartment building, dressed all nice and surely heading out for a date with disaster, or at least a douchebag. Sure enough, she hopped in Spencer’s car, and the two drove off into the night. Team Idiots. She should really stay away from this kid. It would be the Teen Vogue way of doing things.
Exactly how tall is Spencer’s torso?
What did you think about this episode?