I was highly disappointed with The Hills this week. How could they deign to air an episode without Lisa Love? This most certainly was NOT the Teen Vogue way of doing things. No matter. It was my only quibble with an otherwise delightful romp into the world Lauren and Heidi and Spencer, and their increasingly strained relationships. If there’s nothing else we’ve learned from this show, it’s that the Sisterhood of the Hillside Villas always wins out over boys and their various boorish tendencies. But sometimes, it takes a little while for the girls to join forces and banish their puffy-haired (or sometimes flat-ironed, in the case of J-Wahl) foes. Case in point: Monday’s episode, which saw Spencer effectively drive a wedge between Heidi and Lauren. In one corner was Lauren, our affable hero, warning Heidi that Team Spencer had a losing record. In the other corner was Spencer, craftily telling Heidi that Lauren just didn’t understand how special their love was. And by “love,” I mean “a relationship wherein Spencer gives Heidi flowers and then flirts with other girls the rest of the night.” Caught between the two of them, we were left to ponder one thing: who would Heidi remain loyal to?This week’s show began with Lauren confronting Heidi about Spencer. You see, Lauren no likey Spencer anymore, and she felt it was her duty, nay, calling to do everything short of waving orange flags and shooting warning signals into the sky to prevent Heidi from resurrecting her relationship. “As her best friend,” Lauren explained to us, “I was the only one who could tell her she was making a mistake.” Technically, several people could tell her she was making a mistake, but I guess Lauren felt her voice would be most respected. Still, I kind of wanted an outsider to broach the subject with Heidi. Maybe Lisa Love could swing by the apartment, stare at her with disdain, yawn, and then observe, “This relationship of yours — it just simply is not the Teen Vogue way of doing things.” She would then add, “Nevertheless, I still prefer you over Lauren. She’ll always be the girl that didn’t go to Paris.” And of course, Lauren would then bite her lip and look down.
Anyway, despite the fact that just a few episodes ago Lauren was defending Spencer, saying that no one else saw the way he gazed into Heidi’s eyes, she now had changed her tune. Now LC was all about preventative care. “I see so many qualities that Jason had in him,” she told Heidi. Lauren never quite elaborated on what those “qualities” were, but I imagine “manipulative,” “vapid,” and “coked up” were high on her list.
Heidi, however, failed to understand the comparison. “It’s just, it’s different,” she said, adding, “For instance, Spencer has no facial hair. Plus, his name starts with an S, not a J. Clearly you’ve misread the entire situation.”
Well, sensing that Heidi was growing defensive, Lauren clammed up a bit, saying that she was afraid Heidi would get mad at her when all she was trying to do was be honest. Heidi, however, commented that she now was worried that there’d be a big elephant in the room whenever they hung out. “Are we not going to be, like, close? Are we not going to be able to like talk?” Heidi then asked, massively blowing the situation out of proportion. I can just imagine her and LC picking out videos at Blockbuster: “Lauren, I know you really want to rent Splash, but I’d like to see Moonlight and Valentino. OMG! OUR FRIENDSHIP IS IN CRISIS!!!”
Ultimately, Lauren proclaimed that she didn’t want to ever socialize with Spencer (a sentiment shared by, you know, AMERICA). “I’m never going to hang out with him,” she declared, adding, “At least, not until I next hang out with Brody. Or you. Or any of our friends. Okay, so I’ll hang out with him quite frequently. However, I refuuuuuse to buy him golf clubs.”
Okay, maybe Lauren didn’t say all that, but she did offer, “I’m going to be there for you when he screws you over. ‘Cause he will!” What? How can one woman be so blasphemous? I say, Lauren Conrad speaks untruths of Spencer Pratt! So what if he’s bound to go through five or six divorces before he’s fifty? HE IS A FINE YOUNG MAN WHO WILL NEVER SCREW OVER HEIDI… assuming she’s in the same room… and her back isn’t turned… and there are no other women within twenty-five feet of Spencer…
After the opening credits, we learned the ominous title of this week’s show, which was not unlike the tagline of some generic horror movie: “YOU HAVE CHOSEN!” I wasn’t sure what this portentous announcement was foreshadowing — perhaps the girls would be winding up on a game show? — but I assumed it had something to do with the whole Lauren-Spencer-Heidi situation.
Sure enough, we soon found Heidi sauntering up to a café where Spencer sat a table and celebrated her arrival with a whistling catcall. I suppose it would be too much to expect Spencer to rise and pull out Heidi’s chair. Anyway, since he wanted to appear at least like the shell of a gentleman (a gentleman with a very, very toothy grin), Spencer handed over a giant batch of long-stem roses (or the Liebeszauber hybrid tea red rose of the species Rosa oxyacantha, as Emily would say). Heidi immediately gushed over this botanical offering, saying, “It looks like a rose garden!” I guess that would be an accurate assessment, assuming all rose gardens were wrapped in brown paper bags. Nevertheless, it truly is amazing how when you gather a bunch of roses together, it looks like a bunch of roses together.
Anyway, Spencer then opted to showcase his classiness by joking (but not really), “I broke the piggy bank for those!” Never mind that he probably picked them up from some woman standing in front of Rite-Aid who he bullied into submission by saying, “Don’t you ever tell Heidi what to wear to work. We all think she dresses cute! Now give me those flowers!!!”
Well, once post-floral high had passed, Heidi redirected her attention onto bigger and better things: namely, spilling the beans about what Lauren had said about Spencer earlier in the episode. Spencer immediately threw his head back, extended his grin widely enough to fit an entire watermelon into his mouth, and then bemoaned, “God, I wish I hadn’t been such a jerk to start out with and made your life easier.” Oh well. I guess this is what we call “consequences.” Of course, this comment just made Heidi warm all the more to Spencer. After all, by admitting he had been a jerk, he showed a level of conscientiousness that gave Heidi a false sense of personal growth in him. Plus, by wishing he had made her life easier, he suggested that he actually did care about her, which was probably as likely as him ever uttering a sentence without copious amounts of lilt.
Anyway, Heidi then mentioned how Lauren had compared Spencer to Jason, but Heidi assured Spencer, “You would never treat me like Jason. You know, it’s different.” For instance, where Jason used Lauren to gain fame and notoriety, Spencer was merely using Heidi for notoriety and fame. I just wish Lauren would open up her eyes AND REALIZE THIS ALREADY!!!! Lay off Spencer! Besides, we’ve since come to learn that Spencer is a sincere man who would never use women for personal gain — as evidenced by this article…
Nevertheless, Spencer reassured Heidi that he was squarely on her team, saying, “Heidi’s my number one!” He then emphasized this by pointing his index fingers in the air, erroneously suggesting that Heidi was actually his number two — or perhaps eleven, depending on your digital-numerical analysis.
Ultimately, the scene ended with the two planning for a slumber party that night, which may or may not have included one of those naked picnics Spencer’s always dying to have. Heidi then returned to her apartment and showed LC the flowers, joking that they were for her. “That’s really nice of him,” Lauren said. “Is he going to give them to Audrina tomorrow?” Oh SNAP! Conrad zinger! Who knew Lauren had such sass pent up in her? Nick Cannon, look out!
Anyway, in the wake of Lauren’s successful zinger, an awkward silence hung in the apartment, causing LC to ignore her roommate and instead lavish attention on her cat, or as I like to call it, Bella 2.0. Meanwhile, Heidi simply packed up an overnight bag and departed for her enthralling slumber party, causing Lauren to let out a disdainful, “Goodnight…” She then added, “I will stay here with the cat and read gossip magazines like any good spinster would!”
“I don’t know where you came from, but you’re my new best friend. You’ll never leave me.”
Well, as exciting as flipping through the pages of Us Weekly or In Touch is, not even a boldly title article named “FAUX?” could keep Lauren away from the siren-call of Audrina’s kitchen, which promised plenty of options for nourishment and merrymaking. Yes, the once despised neighbor invited LC down the hall to share a convivial dinner which The Drina had cooked up with her mom. No word on how the meal turned out, but my culinary expectations were admittedly not high for the women of the Family Pattridge.
Of course, we knew the real reason Lauren was dining avec Audrina was not to indulge her tastebuds but rather to engage in some old fashioned gossip. Yes, before any food was even served, the two quickly began bashing Spencer, and yet again, they rehashed the scandalous Pinkberry story that seems to have shaped this season so. The nattering was put on pause, however, as the girls pondered the best geographical location for their impending feast. “Are we eating at the table?” Lauren asked as if it were the craziest notion to ever hit the Hillside Villas. Sure enough, Audrina decided to throw caution to the wind and assent to Lauren’s table proposal, causing the girls to comment, “Look at us adults!” This was certainly the Teen Vogue way of eating dinner. Personally, I wanted to make fun of the dinner-table/maturity correlation, but then I realized that I pretty much eat every meal in front of my TV on the couch; so really, I’m not one to throw stones in this glass house.
By the way, is it me or does this commercial make you pine for 8th and Ocean more and more each time you watch it?
After the break, we then traveled over to the offices of Teen Vogue where we found some woman wearing what I like to call the Bright Red Mumu-Jumper Pregnancy Frock. I didn’t know who was wearing this unseemly outfit (THE Jane Keltner???), and we only saw it for about half a second, but that was long enough to burn our eyes and cause mass repulsion (Lisa Love would most certainly not approve). We then headed into the intern closet where Whitney was busy asking LC all about the Heidi situation. I have to admit that I missed most of this conversation because I was somewhat distracted by Whitney’s bright pink computer desktop, not to mention the archaic use of Mac OS 9. Apparently upgrading to Tiger is NOT the Teen Vogue way of doing things.
I won’t give Whitney too much of a hard time though. She’s clearly had a rigorous day placing blank stickies on her computer:
Stickies are really most effective when they’re left blank.
While Whit and Lauren babbled away, we found Heidi and Spencer walking the sunny streets of Los Angeles, letting the wind blissfully whistle through their ears. Heidi announced that she had really super-duper fun plans for the weekend. What could they be? A getaway to Mammoth Mountain? A spa trip to Palm Springs? Miniature golf at Boomers? Neither. Her idea was far more original: “Come to the club with me and Lauren tonight.” Wonderful plan. It’s about time these homebodies got off their asses and went to Area! Well played, Heidi!
Shockingly, Spencer said he didn’t want to go to the club because he didn’t want Lauren to be spying on him everywhere he goes. Of course, if he did nothing that warranted her spying, it probably wouldn’t be a problem. Nevertheless, Spencer said he would just rather not go at all. Translation: “I’ll go to another club without MTV cameras and hit on girls there instead.”
Spence then tried to garner sympathy from Heidi, complaining that Lauren was just “not nice to me.”
“She’s gonna try,” Heidi replied, not realizing that at that moment, Lauren was training Bella 2.0 to shred Spencer’s face with her claws of rage.
We then cut to later that night as Lauren and sidekick Jen showed up at Area for a fresh heaping of drama. The girls quietly entered the club, and guess who else was there? That’s right: Spencer. Despite his alleged reservations about partying at Area, we knew the allure of MTV would surely outweigh whatever else he was thinking about doing that night — you know, like putting on some Chopin and curling up with his time-worn edition of War and Peace. Because we know that’s how he spends his free time.
Anyway, Heidi eventually cornered Lauren and asked, “Do my boobs look big? Just kidding. Don’t answer that. But do they?” LC responded with a cold affirmation that seemed to say, “I’m merely tolerating you now.” Looks like Lisa Love was rubbing off on her.
We then cut to Audrina, who was hanging out with some random guy named Clint. We never found out who this mysterious stranger was because our attention was then diverted across the club where Spencer was flirting with a girl, telling her, “Lick my neck, and I’ll come. Trust me.” And as we all know, nothing delights a woman more than to have semen ejaculated onto her in the middle of a club.
Of course, Heidi missed all this because she was busy hanging out with some random Hawaiian/Samoan/Polynesian dude at the other end of the bar. Lauren tried to tell her what Spencer was doing, but Heidi was in no mood. Clearly she was busy discussing the impact of Don Ho on pop culture with her new friend. Brody then swooped in and tried to intervene, asking why Lauren was so adamant about “defending” Heidi from Spencer (I think he meant to use the word “protecting,” but that’s neither here nor there). Before LC could really give a response, Spencer himself pulled her out of the club and announced, “We’re so making peace, by the way.” And nothing says “peace” like an aggressive demand!
Spencer then informed Lauren that “You can hate me. That’s fine,” which then had me wondering why there was a need for peace. Lauren simply explained that every time she saw him at a club, he was hitting on other girls, to which he told her to relax and take a deep breath. Yes, LC. Let the dulcet tones of Spencer’s patronizing voice broker a long lasting peace between you two.
Anyway, Spencer defended his actions by saying, “Heidi knows everything. Heidi gets me, and she knows who I am.” He then added, “She likes that I’m an idiot, and honestly, if she can be okay with my philandering ways, then so should you. Oh, and in case you were wondering, if you glower at me again, I might just ejaculate in my pants. I’m not even joking.”
Understandably, Lauren became pissed with Spencer and his double-talking ways, especially when he tried to spin the entire confrontation as if he were doing this all for the sake of LC and Heidi’s relationship. And if there’s anything we know about Spencer, it’s that he cares deeply about other girls and their friendships. Well, this all annoyed Lauren even more, and she scathed that he didn’t have to worry about her relationship with Heidi — she’d known her longer than he had. And with that, LC disappeared back into the club, leaving a bitter Spencer to declare, “I’m not going five feet from that girl for the rest of my life!” Sooooo… he was planning to stay within a five foot radius of Lauren at all times? Oh wait. He meant he wasn’t going to go five feet near Lauren, not from Lauren. Sorry. Remind me next time to equip my Spencer-To-English dictionary.
After the commercial break, we headed over to Brody’s sizable condo, which looked quite nice in the light of day. The Brodester was currently grilling Lauren about all the drama at Area, asking her why she hated Spencer so much. Seriously, how could Lauren not be on Team Spencer? It’s the only team where the mascot looks exactly like the captain!
Well, Lauren recounted how everyone had warned Heidi not to get involved in something serious with Spencer, causing Brody to ask, “Why were people saying this?” Apparently Brody has yet to actually observe ANYTHING HIS FRIEND HAS EVER DONE.
Inevitably, discussion returned to that ill-fated flowers for Audrina incident, and Brody could no longer play dumb(er). “Of course it was a little bit wrong,” he admitted, “but maybe Spencer feels threatened by you because you’re going to Heidi and saying, ‘Stay away from Spencer. He’s shady. He’s shady.’” So according to Brody-logic, because Spencer felt threatened by Lauren’s tattling ways, he therefore had no other option but to act shady and promiscuous. That makes total sense. Now we see that Spencer isn’t a douchebag. He’s merely the victim of Lauren’s overbearing presence. Sounds like he’s on Team Misunderstood!
Anyway, the two yammered back and forth about the situation, and ultimately, Lauren said that if she was in Heidi’s place, and if she weren’t getting along with her best friend, she wouldn’t be happy. I think this was supposed to have some resonance with us because the camera then lingered on her, but of course, this entire discussion made me want to drown in a pool of flowers handpicked by Emily the intern; so I really didn’t care.
Later on, after Lauren had left, Spencer then arrived at Brody’s condo (still waiting to see Spencer’s apartment, which has curiously been kept off camera). Brody immediately shared everything that Lauren had told him, causing Spencer to complain, “She needs to stop worrying about other people’s lives.” Wasn’t this the same guy who the night before was going out of his way to make sure Heidi and Lauren’s friendship was on the up-and-up?
Anyway, this game of telephone continued quite literally as Spencer sprouted some pit stains and then called up Heidi at work (who had a new, less pleasant ringer). He told her that Lauren “said that she knows that you’re not happy anymore.” I couldn’t tell if it was a blatant lie or merely another example of Spencer completely misinterpreting someone else’s gossip. Of course, it could have been both, and knowing Spencer, if you told him that you were gonna go to the grocery store, he’d probably call up Brody and say, “Brodester, you’ll never guess who’s leaving right now to buy a grocery store and then demolish it and then build a sweet-ass club in its place that I’ll totally have a VIP booth for?”
Nevertheless, Heidi completely balked at the alleged accusation that she was unhappy, saying, “I’m like the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.” Yes, happier than the time last week when she found a present in her Crackerjacks. Yes, happier than the time she played with a tinfoil ball for three hours straight. And yes, happier than the time she saw a cloud in the sky that reminded her of pudding. Heidi was so happy with Spencer, she was like a low-rent version of Nicole Kidman in a Chanel ad.
“I’m a dancer!”
“I love to dance!”
Well, having effectively created a void between the two girls, Spencer continued his campaign of divide-and-conquer. “I don’t see how you guys can live together anymore,” he said, not so subtly. Funny how Heidi keeps getting mad at her own friends based solely on what Spencer puts into her mind.
Meanwhile, over at FIDM, Lauren showed up in class for what may have been the first time all semester, but despite her best efforts, she simply could not concentrate at all on her work. Instead she gazed out at nothing in particular, depressed and saddened by the current state of affairs with Heidi. She was so consumed with gloominess that she barely seemed to notice that her teacher was none other than Nick from Project Runway 2. Best reality fashion class EVER. Too bad we didn’t get a cameo from Nick’s sister, or as most people know her, RITA FROM SURVIVOR: FIJI.
Most distracting reality cameo EVER.
Anyway, after a long day of staring at her hands and ignoring Nick Verreos, Lauren returned home to Heidi, who was ready to bicker.
“Do you think I’m unhappy?” she asked, adding, “Because I had a DELIGHTFUL time today thinking about jelly beans!”
Lauren, however, didn’t skip a beat. With Bella 2.0 crawling all over the place like the nosy little cat she is, Lauren said she didn’t think Heidi was unhappy. She clarified that what she had told Brody was that she herself wouldn’t be happy if she were on the outs with her best friend. This caused Heidi to remark, “I feel like I have to choose between you and Spencer,” to which Lauren replied, “You don’t have to choose.”
Oh. Okay. Cool.
Oh wait, Lauren wasn’t done.
“BUT YOU HAVE CHOSEN!” she added. Dunh dunh DUNH! Lauren then claimed she was the only one honest enough to tell Heidi to her face that Spencer sucked, and now she was paying the price for it. And you know what? NEXT TIME SHE WOULDN’T BE SO HONEST!!! (Insert throttled sob somewhere in the middle there).
“You don’t have to choose between me and Spencer. But you do have to choose between me and this cat I found.”
“Just… just TAKE HIM!!!! YOU HAVE CHOSEN!!!”
Well, Heidi told Lauren that she was one of the most important people to her ever, but that didn’t explain why Heidi hadn’t made any time whatsoever for LC! Ah, the lonely Master. Is there a more heartbreaking sight?
After the girls had talked in enough circles, Lauren finally pulled out her trump card. She asked how Heidi would feel if she said she was hanging out with Jason again. “That’s a whole different issue,” Heidi said, happily traipsing through a field of daffodils and hummingbird in her private world of delusion.
LC then explained that she took a risk by telling Heidi her true feelings about Spencer, and what did Heidi do? She immediately went off and told Spencer that Lauren hated him. Of course, Heidi denied this. “I didn’t say ‘Lauren hates you. Lauren hates you,’” she said, adding, “I simply explained that Lauren had a distinct and passionate dislike for you and your forever smiling balloon head.”
Sadly, Lauren then mentioned the roses again. No, not the roses Spencer had given Audrina. She was referring to the roses she thought Spencer had given her. Time for a bombshell: “I was just joking!” Heidi revealed. You mean… those roses… they really were for… Heidi???
Feeling humiliated and dumb, LC just stared at her friend, an uncomfortable silence unfolding that not even Bella 2.0 could withstand. No surprise how this wound up. Lauren stormed off to her bedroom, slammed the door shut behind her, and demanded to be left alone.
With nothing else to do, Heidi then pulled out a suitcase and packed her bags. Was she leaving for good? Probably not. But she was headed to balloon-face’s apartment. Yes, this was a baaad fight — so bad that the producers were left with no other choice but to play Dido over the closing credits. You know it’s rough going when Dido rears her ugly head.
Next week, it looks like things between Lauren and Heidi might be slightly better. But then again, it also looks like Heidi will be orchestrating some sort of revenge scheme using Jen as her pawn. So the answer is yes, I am crazy crazy excited.