The Hills: Kisses! Loathe Ya Laterz!!

Buenos dìas, ‘Gasminos! I’m back from my vacay with a collection of odd tan lines and a regret that I missed last week’s Crazy Eyes-off between Jayde and Blahdrina. But never fear – this week’s episode is full of exciting drama like… really bad hair accessories and psychotically mean smiles exchanged between idiots. Join me, won’t you?

The girls are boozin’ it up at some rando cafè and chatting about Lo’s new job with Smashbox. Isn’t that that terrible band with all the McG-directed videos circa 1999? *shudder* Don’t remind me of my pop-loving past, Lo, please. Anyway, Blahdrina comments on the humor of the fact that she also used to work there. Yes dear, that is hilarious, it makes me LOL all over the front of my shirt. In other news, I’m sad to note the enduring presence of Blahdrina’s hobo dorkface hat, which creates a black felt crown around her head like a halo of mediocrity.

Way to choose the worst part of Samantha Ronson’s style to cop. Not to mention Madonna. TWENTY YEARS AGO.

Lo says she’s excited to meet all the cute boys at Smashbox, to which Blahdrina laughs for her to send them her way! Lo chuckles with the sparkle of judgment in her eyes. There’s a special place in her heart reserved just for the criticism of Blah and her slutty slummin’ ways.

Speaking of which, the ladies discuss Pigpen and how he heard, through the grapevine of producers, about Blahdrina and Broday’s totally fictional tryst in Hawaii. Blahdrina laughs, unnaturally giddy and bopping around in her seat, and I peer at her neon-white teeth and wonder what’s up that perfect little nose of hers. She says she’s fine as long as she doesn’t see him.

LC and Stephanie do a ladies’ lunch and I’m disappointed to see more bad headwear from our heroine – the dreaded floppy beret. Steph admits that she’s afraid of Kelly Cutthroat (which she should be): “I’m just, like, afraid that she wants everything to be professional.” What, for her self-made business? In a high-profile, finicky industry? I can’t imagine why. Actually, what I can’t imagine is why Kelly would ever agree to let a Pratt step foot into her office, but I suppose all publicity is good publicity. LC delicately explains the role of boss to Stephanie, noting that “when you run a company, you have a lot of people below you that could mess up.”

Speaking of which, Stephanie sighs and concludes that she needs to stop stressing about work and “go on a manhunt.” First of all – don’t you need to START stressing before you can cease? Secondly – what does one have to do with another? Are work hours really the best time to meet men? Because I would think Stephanie would have most success during hours of the day that are dark and most likely to reign in boozy blackout types. Thirdly – when are you NOT on a manhunt? And do you take shotguns and tranquilizer darts with you? Because if so, I’m totally in.

LC lightly tells Steph that she shouldn’t stop stressing about work just yet. In reply, Stephanie tells her all about her newest flame, Robert, a DJ who’s “soooo kahyewwwwt”. Doesn’t she know that screwing around with DJs is, like, sooooo 2007? When even Lohan stops doing it – as a lesbian, no less – you know it’s at least two years out of style. For Christ’s sake, even Nicole Richie settled down and married a real musician. What’s that? They’re not married? Well, I guess an anorexic baby is just as good. Lauren reiterates the fact that boy time shouldn’t interfere with work time, to which Stephanie pouts and stares into space as though there’s a jelly doughnut just over LC’s shoulder.

This week offers the return of a beloved character long lost from “The Hills” – or at least
a tolerated character who offers a gossip outlet. That’s right, Kimberly is back to chat with Heidi Ho, and looks a little more well-rested, a little plumper, and a little paler – sort of like if Elvira settled down and became a homemaker. She can’t believe how many things they have to take care of before their next event, and Heidi agrees: “I have to get my nails done, they’re all chipped, I have to get a new dress…” Not to mention a personality and a spine. Hope they match your new heels!

Heidi sighs, “So, I want your advice on something,” thus the reason for Kimmy’s return: to listen to a recap of the last four fucking weeks of the show (which, incidentally, don’t get more interesting with each retelling) and to blindly support whatever crazy-bitch ideas Heidi has to solve her problems. Kimmy takes a deep breath, peeks at her cell phone, and settles into her chair with a terse, “Go on.” Stacie wants Heidi to come to her bar to talk, and after Kimmy wonders aloud how long this is going to go on (how funny! I was just wondering the same thing!), Heidi says earnestly, “She’s the devil.” Um, no, the pube ‘stache sleeping next to you is the devil. Stacie is merely the devil’s non-whore. Remember, kids, Spencer and Stacie NEVER EVEN DID IT. Even the Jen Bunney/Brody/LC fiasco lasted less time than this. Nevertheless, Kimmy advises Heidi to go talk to the non-whore. “Where I come from, we don’t deal with that,” she says.

Meanwhile, at People’s Revolution…

LC is managing her time efficiently while Stephanie colors on herself with a silver pen. How did she make it past kindergarten? She asks LC to explain the next day’s photo shoot at Smashbox and seems to be concentrating reeeeeallly hard on following basic sentence structure. She’s jealous that she doesn’t get to go on the shoot. But LC has worked really hard to get to this point – maybe after two years of gossiping with her coworker and reading text messages aloud, Stephanie will move up to this level.

LC tells Stephanie that she has to leave but that Steph should pack the neutrals for her for the morning. Unfortunately, she chooses the first moment of Steph’s life that she decided to be industrious to give her these instructions. As we all know, Stephanie can only focus on one friend/boy/outfit at a time, so the request for neutrals goes in one ear and out the other – specially when LC uses words like “input” and “everything.”

After a few moments of sweet, fleeting attention, Stephanie is once again distracted by her new ringtone and giggles apologetically, drawing death stares from her coworkers. She picks up the cellie and Robert’s on the line. You know, when Whitney worked there it was all good and fine to chat about boys and pick up their personal lines, and I can only assume that’s because they proved they could handle doing things like “inputting neutrals” and “steaming” while they did so. But Steph hasn’t quite proved her worth yet, and LC’s getting pissed – which we can tell by the hand placed over her mouth to keep from screaming obscenities while Steph flirts on the phone. If we can all see she’s going to fuck up, and LC can see it too, why does she bother trusting Stephanie with her precious neutrals??? Why, God, WHY?

Blahdrina is working at a performance by a band who probably paid a LOT of money to appear during this ultra-important segment. An associate meets her there – Sandra, who is dressed appropriately and looks like a normal, attractive human being, a stark contrast to Blahdrina, who can’t be bothered to button the top four clasps on her leather bustier.

The band goes on and as they play, Blahdrina gets a phone call from her beloved alley cat, who wants to see her soon so he can slap her around for (not) hooking up with Broday. She talks for three minutes about how she can’t talk right then, and it’s truly amazing how well the lyrics to this song perfectly illustrate the angst Blahdrina is living AT THIS MOMENT. At least as well as any other generic pop song MTV uses to drive this show’s plotlines.

At Smashbox Studios, Lau and Lo get to live out their dreams of working together WHILE WORKING TOGETHER! It’s a pivotal moment in their friendworkship. But before long, there’s trouble in paradise as Lo asks where the hell the neutrals are! LC conveys her concern using her perfected combination of deep silence and a lightly furrowed brow (lightly, now, you don’t want wrinkles). “Stephanie….” she whispers, and I kind of expect them to cut to a shot of Stephanie laughing maniacally while she flounces around Los Angeles draped in neutrals.

Needless to say, Lo is not pleased.

Lauren calls Stephanie to ream her out in a very stern whisper, but Stephanie is busy having a relaxing lunch with Robert (who, by the way, is definitely a step up from Camwrong – so much so that I question his authenticity). LC asks her about the missing garments. “Yeah, I steamed them, they should be in the bag,” Stephanie replies. Yes, we all know they SHOULD be in the bag, the question is why are they NOT in the bag? (I would make a fabulous, bitchy boss.) Stephanie thinks it shouldn’t matter since they have so many other clothes anyway, which is a great thing to say at work. “TPS reports? Don’t you have enough already?” Steph insists she can’t go back to the office because, as we heard, she’s on her lunch break.

Heidi, dressed in her ho-fighting best, enters The Dime to have her showdown with Stacie. I feel like I’ve written that sentence three times already this season. “Funny seeing you here!” Stacie chirps. “Funny seeing you here!” Heidi echoes. So, to Stacie – um, didn’t you invite her there? To Heidi – um, she works there. Also, she invited you there. Conclusion: there’s very little that’s funny about either of them seeing each other here.

I’ve been thinking. Stacie is really good at being a nice psycho bitch. Each episode, she tries to be nice to Heidi and put everything behind them, but at the first sign of a struggle she reverts to calling Spencer an asshole and Heidi crazy (both accurate descriptions, but still). The same thing happens this week. She insists that she really doesn’t want to fight over Spencer because it’s not worth it anyway. Then she starts blinking and twitching when Heidi says, “You SHOULD stop texting my boyfriend.” Stacie replies, “You SHOULD trust him.” Then Heidi says, “No, but YOU SHOULD – but also… there’s a million guys…” Good confrontation, Heid. Soon the argument devolves into a brusque exchange of tight-lipped smiles and clipped insults delivered with cheerful tones.

Really, the best part of that segment was watching the curious faces of the bar regulars watching the whole thing go down.

Elsewhere, Blahdrina meets up with Pigpen to celebrate their 300th breakup. His eyes widen for a moment and he rocks back and forth in his chair as she enters the room, not unlike a mental patient watching a nurse with meds cross the room. Blahdrina wastes no time in informing her erstwhile gentleman caller that she cannot communicate with him anymore. She probably rushes into it so quickly because she knows if she gives him a chance to speak, he’ll talk her out of it. And into wearing a glitter helmet.

She gets up to leave faster than her mouth can utter the words “I’m done” but he follows her out. “Do you know how many times you’ve said you’re serious?” he asks. The man’s got a point there. He brings up the Brody bullshit and she tries to walk away, but he’s close behind her with a retort concerning a hypothetical involving a certain bff who shall remain nameless (but whose name is LC).

Later, Blahdrina lunches with the Queen of Frump, Stephanie Pratt, who’s dared to add one more piece of retarded head gear to this week’s episode. Besides that, her only contribution to the scene is talking about her “job” at PR and insulting Blahdrina about her pattern of making up with Pigpen with a firm, passive-aggressive smile.

At the Aryan Compound, Heidi asks Spencer what he’s doing on the couch. “Twittering,” he replies, confirming my belief that he embodies all that is wrong with the youth of America (and some of its legislators). Heidi asks if he’s talked to Stacie lately, to which he yawns that he’s never going to talk to her again. However, instead of appreciating that sentiment, Heidi replies that he’s right he won’t, because she “took care of it.” Spencer laughs that she’s acting like she’s on “The Sopranos,” which is actually pretty funny. Ah, condescension. She continues by telling him of her rendezvous with the non-whore and lays into him about even needing to go do what he should have done in the first place. She also refers to the bar as “Satan’s Dungeon,” which would actually be a really cool name for a bar.

“This has nothing to do with you,” she yells. Ummmm… but I think it has a LITTLE bit to do with him? “I dare you to find another Stacie,” Heidi challenges him. “Just wait until you see what happens then.” Don’t worry, I’m sure he WILL find another Stacie, or perhaps at least a Stacy, and if not then perhaps a Stacee?

At People’s Revolution, LC is working silently alongside Stephanie, who attempts to apologize for her utter lack of competence, diligence or commitment to her career. She says she’ll tell Cutthroat it was all her fault, but Lauren doesn’t care because it still makes her look like she doesn’t have her shit together. Stephanie doesn’t understand this concept; she only understands transference of blame. She is a Pratt, after all.

Just then, a wave of black glittering sludge floods the office and washes Kelly Cutthroat ashore. The girls say hello with the sweet, fearful faces of twin sisters who just broke a vase. Or a business. “You look awfully happy,” Cutthroat snipes. “Well, I’m not. Can I see you in my office?” she asks LC. Stephanie meekly asks if she wants her too. “No,” she replies briskly. “I DON’T.”

The meeting goes as swimmingly as one could for someone whose fault it actually wasn’t. Kelly automatically blames Stephanie, and LC half-heartedly defends her. “Lunch break?!” Cutthroat exclaims when she hears of Stephanie’s reason for not making things right. “I haven’t had a lunch break in five years!” She must be famished. She reasons that anyone serious about fashion would dash out even in the middle of a marriage proposal, and therefore Stephanie is not serious, and therefore LC has to fire her. “Do it quick. Think guillotine.” That’s going to be my new motto.

Which gives us all a lot to look forward to next week. Until then… xoxOSnapp