Like OMG! America’s Next Top Model

In case anyone doubted that The Hills might be misleading young girls into believing that all those who move to Hollywood meet with rapid success and fame, take last night’s episode. After being repeatedly told that she had to pay her dues for years, Heidi was quickly promoted to the cushy position of Bolthouse door-girl, and Whitney, well, she ascended from lowly intern to Vogue fashion model in the blink of an eye. It doesn’t always work this way, people. Let’s not forget that all these girls have MTV cameras following them. Kind of opens doors for them. So don’t start flocking here en masse. We already have enough homeless people.This week’s episode began with Heidi babbling about her impending six month anniversary with Jordan, her jealous douchebag boyfriend who somehow has mistaken his puffy hair for a future in Hollywood. LC and Audrina all reminisced on the couple’s romantic journey, which started with a bouquet of lilacs. Or was it lilies? Whatever flowers they were, LC concluded, “That was cute!” To which Heidi replied, “That WAS sweet!” I guess it’s good that Heidi finally appreciated the gift, even if it was six months later. Then again, are we really surprised that it takes Heidi six months to process any sort of information. Come this January 4th, she’ll probably pull someone to the side and say, “Those fireworks are really loud!”

By the way, with Heidi and Jordan reaching six months, I think it’s time to officially name them, and as you all know, I’m always a big fan of smushing names together. What do we like: Heidordan or Jordi? I’ll also offer up Heidan (but I think it sounds too much like Hayden, which makes me think of Hayden Christensen — both the actor and the girl from Amazing Race 6. And I don’t like either one). Come to think of it, Jordi reminds me of that little French kid who had that annoying song ten years ago. I guess that leaves us with Heidordan, which is cool because it kind of sounds like a monster, but there are too many syllables. Maybe Jeidi? Oh, wait. OF COURSE: Hordan. That’s perfect because it sounds like “Whore Den.” Let it be announced throughout the countryside: Heidi and Jordan shall hereby be collectively known as Hordan.

Anyhoo, back to the show. The girls all told Heidi that Jordan better do something special for the anniversary. You know, because six months is really the one you’ll always remember. As Heidi pondered all the wonderful things that might come her way, LC passive aggressively commented, “Do you remember how big of a deal six months used to be?” Translation: it’s not a big deal anymore, so shut up, HEIDI.

Actually, I don’t think LC was being intentionally PA, but I still enjoyed how she subtly dismissed the entire conversation in that rhetorical question. She then noted, “Like, if you were in high school, and you were a good girl, like six months you gave it up.” The girls then all laughed mischievously, almost as if to say, “We’re all raging sluts! Yay!”

The opening credits then rolled, and soon we learned the name of this episode: “Boyfriends & Work Don’t Mix.” Or as I like to call it, “In case you learned NOTHING from last week…”

We then headed to Bolthouse Productions where Heidi was presently overloading her brain with an intense game of solitaire. Unless I was mistaken, I don’t believe I saw that on her rigorous schedule of “Start Working” and “Stop Working.” Suddenly, Brent urgently called for Heidi repeatedly. Sounds like somebody needs a tuna sandwich and a green thing again! Chop chop!

Actually, that wasn’t the case. Brent sat Heidi down and tried to fake us out by saying “I don’t know how to say this.” I pretended for a second that I hadn’t seen all the promos and let myself believe that maybe Heidi was about to get canned. But instead, Brent merely said that he wanted to start integrating Heidi into the clubs. This, of course, was massive bullshit. Heidi had been at the office for maybe a month, and after all this talk of having to pay her dues (on top of the fact that she’s an idiot and clearly a terrible assistant), she was still moving upwards in the company. Not fair, but I guess those are the advantages of being blonde, having MTV cameras trailing you, and working for a man who gets a boner over celebrities. By the way, is it me, or is Brent Bolthouse starting to look a lot like Randy from Real World: San Diego?

Anyway, Brent told Heidi that he wanted her to start on Wednesday and assist Elodie. And by “assist Elodie,” Brent meant, “stand around and let the MTV cameras draw publicity to my clubs.” Nevertheless, Heidi happily retreated to her desk and called up Elodie on the phone. “Hey, you work Wednesday nights, don’t you?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Elodie replied.

“Me too!” Heidi then said. Good one, Heid!

“WHAT?!?!?” an incredulous Elodie then exclaimed. If that’s not a vote of confidence, I don’t know what is. Elodie then asked if she’d be working this coming Wednesday, causing Heidi to pause with anxiety and say, “Wednesday is our anniversary. We’re going to go out to dinner and go bowling.” WELL! No “boss” or “amazing opportunity that she should be thanking her lucky stars to have” will stop Heidi from BOWLING! Doesn’t everyone realize that she’s an up and coming star on the PBAI tour? (That stands for the Professional Bowlers Association of IDIOTS).

Elsewhere in Los Angeles, as LC walked through the ghetto to get to school, a freshly shaved Jason patiently watched her from his car, quietly stalking much in the same way as his old girlfriend Jessica did back in the ‘Guna. He soon hopped out of the car and cornered LC, asking her what was wrong at his birthday party. For those of you who missed last week, LC got all pissed at Jason because she had basically left a photo shoot early to be with him on his birthday, and he acted like she wasn’t even there. I know, very shocking behavior from J-Wahl. Well, LC explained how she was feeling rather succinctly. “You just hurt my feelings,” she said, and in response, Jason said… nothing. Just silence. Somebody reboot him please.

Jason did eventually begin talking again, and he had a somewhat decent response — better than his usual, “uh…. yeah… I don’t know… yeah no… (mumble mumble… inaudible noise).” He said something about how he hadn’t seen a lot of people in a long time and didn’t want to be a bad host and yada yada yada LC replied with one of my favorite female lies, “I’m not like mad at you. It just made me sad.” Translation: “I was mad.”

Even though they didn’t seem to truly resolve the issue, the two kissed and made up, and LC went off to her test at FIDM. Meanwhile, over at the Teen Vogue offices, Lisa Love was holding a Very Important Meeting in her conference room of DEATH. Turns out there was a very special Teen Vogue event coming up with DKNY Jeans, and Jay was going to style the event. Awesome! Wait, who’s Jay? Apparently, he was some stylist who Lisa Love keeps in her subterranean dungeon.

Anyway, Lisa then told Jay and the staff, “You’re going to work with Whitney and Lauren. Aaand Lauren is not here.” Oh shit! Smell ya later, Lauren! Lisa totally gonna can you! Ah, but then LC’s guardian angel saved the day.

“Lauren is not here. She has a test,” Blaine said.

“Oh. Okay,” Lisa then replied, and unless my ears were deceiving me, I sensed a bit of disappointment in her voice. I think she really wanted to fire her. Yes, Lisa Love. You best be returning that knife to its sheath.

Back at FIDM, Lauren slaved away over her quiz, which was clearly taxing because, well, the music said so. Afterwards, Whitney called her up and gave her the great news about the show. There was gonna be so much work that LC was gonna die, she said. Yes, so much work. Did that mean they’d have like three things to do? Or maybe they’d have to fly to New York to fetch some coasters.

Speaking of responsibilities, Heidi was about to learn that being a door-girl wasn’t going to be nearly as glamorous as she had always thought. “Get Heidi in my office please,” barked her boss Jen, who sort of looked like a goth version of Frances McDormand. We could tell she was a tough cookie, and if the reality gods were thinking favorably on us, Heidi would most likely say something dumb and embarrass herself.

Sure enough, the first thing that Heidi said was, “I was wondering if I could start Saturday instead.” What a dumbass. Jen just stared at her as if she had asked where babies came from and then dismissed the idiotic request. “No no no no no,” Jen said, not even entertaining the idea. She then began laying down the ground rules for the club (which we knew would all be broken).

“I don’t really like our people while they’re working to go inside the nightclub and hang out with their friends,” she said. But wait! What about for Princess Heidi? Surely SHE gets to go in the clubs, right? Nope.

“Well, what about when we’re done working?” Heidi asked. Jen again gave her the “Seriously, how many times were you dropped as a baby?” look and answered, “Well, when you’re done working, then the club’s closed.” Poor Heidi. She’s just not made for this sort of logic.

As Heidi tried to wrap her head around the concept of working until the club closed, we went to commercial, and when we returned, we gazed upon images of houses in the Hollywood Hills. You know, the same houses that LC is supposed to live in, but clearly she doesn’t because she lives here. Just look at the photos. I’m not making this up. Anyway, we then headed into LC’s apartment where Jason had clearly spent the night (I could tell by all the “good morning!” talk); so I guess they’ve officially had makeup sex now. The two talked about going out to get some breakfast, and then suddenly we headed to the swanky Sunset Marquis hotel where the rehearsal and fittings were taking place for that night’s big Teen Vogue fashion show. As usual, Wh-wh-wh-Whitney was there, but whither LC? She was gone! Having breakfast somewhere with Jason! This did not make Danica the events coordinator happy. She had a scowl like none other. Granted, she looked like the type of woman with a perma-scowl anyway, but now she was really scowling.

You know, just to poke more holes in the “LC lives in the Hills” story, if she really did live in the Hillside Villas, she surely would be at work already since the Sunset Marquis is only ACROSS THE STREET. She wouldn’t even need to drive. She could walk! Ah, but then we cut to LC riding in a car with Jason, and from what we could see in the windows, they weren’t even on the Sunset Strip (which is where they should have been if LC was grabbing breakfast before work). In fact, they were riding by a restaurant called The Belmont, which meant they were approaching the Sunset Marquis from the complete opposite direction of LC’s alleged apartment. Of course, since we know she really lives at Park La Brea, the route makes total sense. Mwhaha! Caught again in your web of lies!

Well, LC finally arrived at the shoot several minutes later, causing stylist Jay and DANICA to shoot her evil eyes (I capitalized Danica’s name because we could tell she was so livid that no mere lowercase letters could contain the rage). Mere seconds after LC showed up, Danica and Jay sent their lapdog, Lara (the model bookings editor) to reprimand her — passive aggressively, of course.

Danica’s really working on her Dylan Baker impersonation.

“What time were you supposed to be here today?” Lara asked, totally already knowing the answer. LC replied 2:30 (late breakfast!), and Lara said, “We just need you to be on time. It’s something that’s really, really, really important to us because when you’re late, we back everybdoy else up, and it’s just not good.” Lara really was quite polite about this. You know that inside, she really wanted to yell, “Bitch, who the hell do you think you are? Get here on time or else I’m going to grab yo’ weave and slap you so hard, you’ll think I was your she-pimp!”

“We really like you and everything but…”

“…YOU MUST LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND PROMISE THAT YOU’LL NEVER BE LATE AGAIN. EVER.”

Later that evenings, LC and Heidi prepared for their big nights out. Heidi was doing her first door job, and LC was working her first fashion show. You know what that calls for: a curling iron! Unfortunately, LC didn’t have one; so she asked to borrow Heidi’s. Ever the good roommate, Heid said sure, but under one condition: LC had to use the curling iron in Heidi’s bathroom because otherwise she’d never give it back. And you know how hard it is to walk across the apartment and pluck it out of Lauren’s bathroom. I mean, who did LC think Heidi was? Some super curling-iron-getter woman?

Heidi then began complaining about having to work on this most hallowed of anniversaries. It was like a total downer, you know? Making matters worse was that Heidi had never been to a club without Jordan. Oh, the cruel plight of Heidi! How would she ever survive this trial by fire??

LC had her own problems to deal with. Everyone at Vogue had like totally chewed her out about being five minutes late. Whatevs! You can take that thing you call “responsibility,” and you can shove it!

Anyway, Lauren then headed off to Smashbox Studios for the big fashion show, and after watching all the backstage fun, we suddenly were alerted to a dire situation. One of the models was missing. She was supposed to be there at 8:30 PM, and now it was 10:15 PM. Dumb model. Clearly she’s never faced the wrath of Lara and DANICA!

Well, LC tried to call this girl over and over again, but she wasn’t answering. Stylist Jay then announced that worst comes to worst, they’ll have Wh-wh-wh-Whitney walk instead. Holy cannoli! How convenient that on the day where LC learned about the virtues of punctuality, a model was now mysteriously missing, providing an insane opportunity for Whitney, who had been on time all along. I bet MTV probably had the model bound to a chair, duct tape over her mouth. Whitney will complete this morality tale, dammit!

Anyhoo, Danica then strode over to Whitney and casually informed her, “You’re going to walk tonight.” And with that, Danica ambled off, leaving the shocked intern to do little more than stand there, mouth agape. Well, that’s sort of what she does anyway, but this time she really meant it!

Meanwhile, Heidi and Jordan decided to celebrate their anniversary by potentially welcoming a case of gastro-intestinal malaise. Yes, the couple went to a Moroccan restaurant where Jordan gave Heidi some earrings, the two talked about love, and the various dishes of mqualli and kefta surely paved the way for explosive diarrhea later in the evening.

Back at the fashion show, Whitney was being pushed and pulled in every which way. LC couldn’t believe it, but even more in shock was Blaine. To think, he’d invested all this time into kissing LC’s ass when it was Whitney who was the true rising star! We then went to commercial with the image of Whitney staring into space, jaw hanging and a finger in her mouth. SUPERSTAR!

Iman does that all the time.

When we returned from the break, we headed to the swanky LAX nightclub. No, it’s not a club in Los Angeles International Airport. It’s actually a club called LAX. There was a massive line of people outside (always the norm for dreamy Brent Bolthouse events), and as Heidi took her post next to Jen and Elodie, she expressed nervousness. Why? Not sure. I guess holding a clipboard is a challenge that not even Robert E. Peary would undertake if he were alive today!

A mere two seconds after Heidi began her first night as a door girl, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (Jordan and Brian) showed up to gain access to the club. Of course, they got in, and then we were treated to a montage of “Oh my god! It’s so hard to be a Bolthouse door girl!” Jen began freaking out about something or another, and Heidi was nowhere to be seen — probably because she had run into the club to visit her boyfriend. And yes, that was exactly what Jen said she shouldn’t do. It’s been said before, and it will be said again: IDIOT.

Inside the club, Heidi kissed Jordan and sat down with him and Brian. I began to have that uneasy feeling in my stomach — the same one I felt when Heidi nearly screwed up LC’s first gig at the Roosevelt Hotel. You just knew this would end in disaster for Heidi, except this time, I was kind of looking forward to it. Anyway, after some time passed, a drunk jerk named Josh sat down next to Heidi and began running his mouth off. Apparently, the two had gone on one date ages ago, but if there was anything we knew about Jordan, it was that he was insane jealous of anything that deigned to even look at his fair lass. To Jordan’s credit, Josh was a dick. The kid talked about how he and Heidi had some sort of connection or whatever, and this was right in front of the boyfriend. Poor form. He eventually went away, but the damage was done. Jordan got all pissy with Heidi, causing her to leave in a huff. He then complained to Brian that she should have told Josh to fuck off immediately instead of being nice. Oh, and even worse, Jordan now believed it wasn’t a coincidence that this Josh guy was there THE VERY SAME NIGHT. Okay, seriously, Jordan. Stop being such a bitch and shut up already. Get over it.

Outside, Heidi gabbed about all the drama to Elodie, who cared just a tad too much about everything. “Like oh my god, was he super jealous???” she asked. Like OMG! Good question, Elodie!! Of course, I kept expecting Jen to come out of nowhere and ream Heidi out for abandoning her post and fraternizing with the guests, but did she? No. I forgot that there’s no such thing as comeuppance with Heidi.

Back at the fashion show, Whitney was about to go on. This was pretty exciting for her, even if it did reek of MTV fiddling. I just hoped for her sake that she’d been watching her ANTM. Sure enough, Whitney took to the runway, and while I thought everyone would be buzzing with comments like, “Who’s that clunker?”, she was actually received quite well — especially from Lisa Love, who commented, “So composed. All the time.” She LOVES composure! And she loves it ALL THE TIME! (And it goes without saying that she HATES Lauren).

Afterwards, Lisa congratulated Whitney and said, “You could do that. Should I introduce you to Natalie at the modeling agency?” Wow, that’s pretty cool, I gotta admit. When you’re an intern, you sort of dream for those things to happen. Back in the day, I was a lowly intern at Late Night With Conan O’Brien, and once in a blue moon, something amazing would fall into your lap like getting to ride in a van with Conan or appear on the show. It was the best, and you felt totally awesome; so I could definitely appreciate what Whitney was feeling. What? I’m not allowed to share a sincere moment? Feh!

Anyway, everyone was showering praise on Whitney, and Blaine was kind enough to say some nice things to LC too, but I definitely noticed the lack of compliments flowing from Lisa to LC. Still bitter about the Roosevelt Hotel fiasco — as she should be. Meanwhile, back at LAX, the night was now over, and Jordan was now inexplicably waiting for Heidi in a dark back alley. And here’s a shocker: he was still a sourpuss. He still wanted to talk about this Josh fella. “Let’s rewind the night! Let’s rewind the night!” he said obnoxiously. How about we rewind the night, then press stop, then take out the tape, and then destroy it?

Heidi tried to defend herself to her boyfriend, but he was unwilling to listen. All he kept saying was, “You’re ridiculous!” Why? Don’t know. Didn’t realize that having common courtesy — even to some random dude — was considered ridiculous these days, but then again maybe the rules are different amongst the young idiots of Hollywood.

There was more to the episode, but… the Tivo cut off. Blast. Oh well, I’m sure I didn’t miss much. What did you think about this episode? Does anyone else want to see Heidi get fired? I do!