The Hills: More Like Bucket Full Of Boring

Tonight’s episode of “The Hills” is one of those “fallout” episodes, one where everybody just talks about what happened last week. As if the rest of America didn’t just do that last Tuesday. In any case, one important question looms: can the soul-deep friendship of Blahdrina and Lauren possibly survive the crushing false accusations Blahdrina has put forth to the world? And a second question: when a Pratt grandma dies, who gets the estate?

Whoever sucks up the most.

At the LauLo Haus, the lesser Lo is all dressed up for a trip into Lauren’s room. As usual, Lauren is organizing her clothes. Honestly, all she ever does at home is pack, unpack, and rearrange her closet. Today Lo looks for all the world like an elf being eaten by a black coral reef.

“Who will make the toys when I’m gone?”

Lau only wants to talk about Blahdrina, yet insists that she’s “done” with the situation. Done with yelling, done with being upset. I love when these girls declare their finality on a situation, because we all know that, as a great sage once said, it ain’t over till it’s over. Blahdrina said eons ago that she’s done with the homeless dude, yet she continues to bone him. Lau said she’s done fighting with Heidi, yet they still have public fights at das clubs. Here she is again, insisting things are over with Blahdrina, but come on. Does anybody believe her?

“Nope.”

You’re welcome. I think we all needed a little bit of that today. Anyway, Lo weighs in on the situation, theorizing that Blahdrina acted the way she did “because it was about Pigpen, somebody she cares SO MUCH about.” Lauren scrunches up her face as if to say, “fuck that guy, what about ME?” They agree that the way Pigpen has treated Blahdrina over the years (lying, cheating, acting aloof, living up to her father figure issues) is the reason why she believed it in the first place. Lo asks what it would take for Lau to forgive her. Long silence. Hard thought. Cue cards. “For her to actually be sorry,” Lauren replies.

“… and the written approval of at least two (2) producers.”

In other news, does anybody else notice that whenever Lo speaks, she looks like an angel singing a Christmas carol?

“Fa Lo Lo Lo Lo, Lo Lo, Lo Lo”

Fucking angels. At Epic Records, Blahdrina recaps last week’s ep to Chiara, who is thoroughly bored. Blah talks about the incident at the bar, making it sound like she went there just to get fucked up and Lauren happened to be there (totally untrue, we even saw their producers chaperoning). Blahdrina, true to form, whines and moans that Lauren turned the whole thing into a screamfest. Yeah, as though she wasn’t the one who accused Lauren of FLIRTING with the nastiest dude in L.A. (I’m sorry to the readers who think he’s hot… he’s not. He’s like a bum who got a makeover from Trent Reznor). Blahdrina even makes her “somebody farted” complaint face. “I just sat back and let her do what she wanted and say what she wanted,” she totally lies. Funny how friendships mirror relationships, isn’t it?

Chiara asks what Pigpen’s excuse was for not “reaching out to” Blahdrina, invoking a phrase on my list of most loathed office terminology. Why do people say “reaching out”? Like, “I’m glad you reached out to me and asked for those TPS reports.” It’s not an interoffice rendezvous. Although perhaps it’s possible to reach out and touch base with someone. AT&T should market THAT slogan. And anyway, if Pigpen HAD called her back, he wouldn’t be reaching out to her. SHE reached out to HIM. And by returning her call, he’s touching base. Get your shit straight, Chiara. You’re on a thin line of favorability with me.

“Omigod SHUT UP O. Snapp! Nobody cares about proper grammar!”

Blahdrina continues to recap and admits that she now no longer believes the rumor, but somehow doesn’t really feel better about things. Well, that’ll happen when you alienate all of the people who claim to love you. Blahdrina asks what she should do now. Chiara shakes her head, pursing her lips. Blahdrina sighs that she wishes everything could go back to how it was. Chiara keeps shaking her head silently. She’s watched enough “Laguna Beach” to know that’ll never happen.

“Oh man. Now I have to be friends with Heidi.”

Next we hop over to Stephanie’s house, where there’s a giant woman hiding in the bushes.

That’s some pretty unconvincing camouflage.

Spencer enters and Steph greets him with a smile and a pleasantly medicated hello. Ever notice how Stephanie never berates Spencer for dropping by unannounced? I’m not defending anyone, but it’s true. Next to Spencer, Stephanie’s a perfect darling.

“You decorated this place pretty janky,” comments Spencer. HILARIOUS! Perhaps he’s just gotten caught up on Ting Lee’s recaps from last year, where his home was described the exact same way. After comparing her kitchen to a bathroom (an oddly specific but not terribly mean insult), he invites her to visit their grandmother with him and Heidi, which is cute and all, but the weird angle distracts me and I begin to think he’s hosting a “celebs show off their bling” show.

“… and welcome to Lifestyles of the Fake Rich and Janky.”

Stephanie would totally love to go “but I have something called ‘school’ and ‘work’,” she says, trying to remember the definitions of those words. But… this IS your work. What else does she do? Although, from the family tree we know of the Pratts, I’m willing to bet an afternoon with Grannie is probably work in and of itself. Can you imagine the nightmare from which this progeny hath sprung? At least you’ll get paid for it. “Can’t she come here?” Stephanie whines. What a thoughtful granddaughter.

Spencer guilt-trips her into it by asking, “What kind of person doesn’t check in with their Nana?” I rarely agree with him, but that’s true. “I can,” Stephanie begins. “You can but you don’t,” he counters. Hmmm. Is Spencer looking out for someone other than himself? I don’t trust it.

Next, MTV continues to make me feel bad about the fact that I haven’t been to the gym since before I knew who Sarah Palin was. Yes, thank you Adam Divello, I know everyone else jogs. Suck it.

Skinny bitch.

At the Blonde Haus, Lauren has a very special boy toy treading water in her pool. Who could it be? Pigpen?

Not with those nipples!

Can someone tell me why Brody is always the one in the pool and Lauren never gets in? Is it in Lauren’s contract that she can never get wet, in any sense of the word? “So. Why you bangin’ Justin-Bobby?” asks Brody, King of Sensitivity, Sultan of Subtlety. He claims it’s the craziest s–t he’s ever heard, yet, isn’t Pigpen an official Homeboy? And isn’t one requirement of becoming a Homebody that one must get at least to third base with LC before entry into The Brotherhood? Suddenly it doesn’t seem so crazy after all, does it?

LC complains about how embarrassing it is, blah blah blah. Broday launches into his “Stevie Wonder as Dear Abby” act, lifting his forehead toward the sky and swaying it back and forth while telling LC what life is really all about (surprisingly, it’s not sex). “That’s not the kind of person you want in your life,” he sighs. They may have taken this from a clip from, like, nine weeks ago when he was by the pool advising her to stay away from Stephanie. It’s all the same shit, all the time. My question is, if Lauren knows this already (as she claims to), then why does she keep the jerks around?

“I just texted… to say… i heart u”

At the Blahteau, Medusa has attacked Kat Von D. and thrown her on to an ugly suede couch.

Gah! My eyes!

Good Silent Sister Casey is looking through a magazine with the theme “most romantic rooms ever,” to which Blahdrina mutters, “That’s cool,” then forces a smile so fake that even Katie Holmes cringed. Meanwhile, Blahdrina’s “super-girly” (and, might I add, super-empty) house is still incomplete. Her ego-sized mirror and random poster from Bed, Bath and Beyond still aren’t hung.

That’s what you get when you invest in a man and not a ladder.

Blah, looking extra dewy and ‘stachetastic, updates her sis on the going-on of her vagina, namely the complete inactivity therein. She complains that her beloved is doing that thing where he makes everything seem like it was all her fault. Ummmm, well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news (unless there’s a joke to be made from it), but it WAS all your fault. You admitted that when you said you no longer believed that he stuffed LC’s hot dog bun. As Blah thinks out loud, Casey looks like a twelve-year-old boy who just got caught masturbating to his mom’s Glamour magazine.

“Who, what? Me? Nothing! Er… nothing. I just… really need to keep this pillow here.”

Blahdrina looks to her sister for advice, but gets very little other than silence in return. “It’s not like Lauren is just some girl, she’s someone I know and care about.”

“I understand why Lauren is upset, because why would I think that of her?”

“Do you think I should apologize to Lauren?”

“You do, huh?”

What is this, “Weekend at Bernie’s”?

Casey finally looks around, says, “Oh, who, me? Were you talking to me? ‘Cause I kind of tuned you out.” No, she tells Blah that LC won’t forgive her for being the victim (of NOTHING AT ALL) until she apologizes.

Later, across town…

SHUT UP!

In Huntington Beach, we get to see “Nana’s House,” (awwww!), where the Pratt kids plus Heidi and her ridiculous T-rex arms (weighed down by a purse bigger than her narcissism ) stroll up the cobblestone. “THAT’S the outfit you bought to see your Nana?” Spencer criticizes Stephanie as Heidi laughs like a queen to her asshole jester.

rawr!

As Nana opens the door, Spencer shoves a flower in her face with the explanation that it is from him and Heidi only, and not that whore that straggled along with them. “What a surprise!” she exclaims as they barge into her house.

“Who ARE these nutty whippersnappers?”

“You remember Stephanie, right? You haven’t seen her in, what, five years or so?” Spencer asks. Heidi chimes in helpfully, “WE saw her LAST WEEK!” Hmm, looks like there’s a new blonde in town, taking over the Pratt family name (and wardrobe).

It’s a vest-off! No, seriously girls. Vests. OFF. Please.

“Oooohhhh, look at these pictures!” Heidi swoons, holding up a Wal-Mart Brand gold heart frame that contains photos of a young Spencer and Stephanie, possibly Photoshopped into the frame.

Aw, the first buds of a douchey pube-stache and the seeds of whoreish backstabbery are born. Ah, youth.

“You want some lemonade and cookies?” asks the quintessential grandmother, pushing the kiddies outside to the patio. “It’s SO LOVELY out here!” chirps Heidi as the cookies come out. “Mmmm, this is my favorite part about coming here! Except for YOU of course!” Why the hell are they being so fucking fake nice? Nana must be loaded. And terminally ill.

” *cough* brown-nosers *cough* “

Grandma asks Stephanie what’s been new, because she hasn’t seen her since she lost her virginity. “It hasn’t been THAT long,” Steph insists. Spencer decides to fill Grannie in on things because she probably doesn’t have cable. He makes quick work of tearing down Stephanie’s character by informing Grandma that Steph became friends with a girl that was “talking mean about poor, sweet Heidi.” Ugh, gag me with a purple spoon.

“Hold on now. Is this something I’m supposed to care about?”

“I want you guys to be happy. Everything is such a nice time when people are happy,” Nana Pratt yammers on. She has clearly never seen a Nielsen chart. “I wish I’d had a brother who was protective of me. You can trust him, you can rely on him…” and more things that can never be said of Spencer Pratt. Stephanie nonverbally tells her grandmother to talk to the hand.

Apropos of nothing: I found the most amazing little psychological test online: How To Spot A Fake Smile. You should take it (but not before you’re finished with my recap). Evidently, they got the ugliest people in Britain to participate in it. This person, however, is not on the test:

Too easy. It’s all in the eyes.

Then there’s a scene with Whitney at People’s Revolution, but absolutely nothing happens, not even a good weird face from Whit, although she does use the phrase “reaching out” and I want to betch-slap her.

At Del Boca Vista the next day, Stephanie takes a stroll with dear sweet Nana, who’s sporting the most adorable grandma hat.

I can’t wait to be an old lady, if only for the fabulous headwear.

Stephanie takes the Pratt route of explaining her absence by blaming Spencer for never including her in their lemonade/cookie lovefests (conveniently failing to mention that whole bratty “can’t she come here?” comment). Nana, who probably taught all her youngin’s to deflect blame, does her one better and claims that it’s not up to HER who comes to visit. “If it was me, I’d definitely include you.” Is she insinuating that she has wanted to invite Stephanie but the Aryan Douche Brigade refused? That’s some serious blame-throwing.

“Just who do you think you’re dealing with, pop tart?”

It’s not like Grandma has a telephone she can use to call her granddaughter. Stephanie tells her that she knows she SHOULD fight for Nana’s attention, but with Spencer it’s just too hard, because he’s always the star. “Well, it’s tough to live in someone’s shadow,” Nana nods, sweetly jabbing at Steph’s ego.

“The only shadow I live behind is the shadow of my hair.”

Stephanie, a shameless nepotist, asks her grandma whether Spencer would still be her favorite if she took a closer look at him. “Maybe it’s just as well I don’t know more about him, because maybe I wouldn’t like him,” Grannie says. Ah, so she HAS been to the grocery store checkout line and seen some US Weeklies. “Sometimes life is a bucket of worms and you don’t know what to do with them,” she says cryptically. Or perhaps senilely.

“What the fuck is she talking about?”

At Bond Street, Blahdrina waits patiently for her newest disaster. LC enters the restaurant, completely bypassing the doorman. What an independent lady! She sits beside Blahdrina, who pouts that everything is such a mess. “I came to hear what you have to say,” LC replies, baiting her apology. Blahdrina bows to the hand that feeds her and gives her the sacrificial apology (her pride being the sacrifice, naturally).

“You were accusing me of something that was CRAZY,” LC says for the eightieth time. Yes, we get it, you wouldn’t touch Pigpen with a ten-foot dildo. Blahdrina agrees that it was a touch of insanity, but “whenever someone is like, ‘I SWEAR, dahdahdah’,” she always believes them. Well, then she should have believed both LC and Pigpen when they swore they DIDN’T do it, am I wrong? I mean, not to put this “Dino” character in the hot seat, but who the hell is he for her to believe?

If we are to believe the liberal media, Dino is only interested rides from underage redheads.

That’s another thing: did Blahdrina ever consider the possibility that Dino wanted to fuck her so he told her a lie that would break her enviable bond with Pigpen? That was actually my first thought during last week’s episode. But whatev’s. Blah and Lau calmly debate the conceptual differences between what was wrong in this situation, and in the end, LC tells her that over the years, she’s watched Blahdrina go back to that stinky-pie again and again, “and trust him with not just your feelings, but your heart.” Hmmm. I’m so confused as to what feelings are, if not synonymous with one’s proverbial heart. She should have switched one of those words out for “bodily fluids.”

Blahdrina admits that if Pigpen weren’t in her life, she’d be a lot happier (not to mention smell a lot better). “I just feel like… lost… like I don’t know who I am anymore,” she weeps. Aww. let me refresh your memory, dear child.

Bony and fake. Remember?

Lauren begrudgingly makes up with her and tells her they’ll hang out next weekend. Listen honey, there are TONS of young actresses in Hollywood just waiting to get their big break and then pose nude. Hire a new friend already. All of yours suck.

“Hmm. I wonder if Pigpen’s home.”