HALLELUJAH! The Hills is back, and if this season premiere was any indication, it’s better than ever. In only one scant thirty minute show, we were introduced to a variety of drama — ranging from the fallout of J-Wahl and LC to the new dubious pairing of Heidi and some kid named Spencer (he’s bad news all around). Add a dose of girl-on-girl hatred (Audrina is like so on the outs now), and we’ve got the makings for what should be a drama filled season. Oh, and did I mention the pregnancy test?As the big season premiere opened up, Lauren gave us a few updates about the cast. Audrina, last seen answering phones at Quixote Studios in Hollywood, had made a huge career move… to answering phones at Epic Records. Who would have ever thought that a girl with such a magnetic and complex personality would be stuck languishing as a career assistant?
Meanwhile, our old fave Heidi had received a promotion at Bolthouse Productions, despite last season’s stern warnings that it takes forever to move up in the event-planning industry. Clearly, no one took into consideration that Heidi was a) hot; b) a girl; and c) the breakout star of an MTV reality show. Anyway, at her new position, Heidi was no longer fetching tuna sandwiches and staring at her draconian list of responsibilities (ie. 8 AM start work. 6 pm stop work). Now Heidi was working the door at Hollywood hot spot Area (located just around the corner from the TVgasm home base). Even more importantly, however, was that Heidi had found a new douchebag to fill Jordan’s sizable shoes. His name was Spencer, and already, we knew he was trouble because apparently, he was seeing Audrina and Heidi at the same time. Hence, the Heidi/Audrina split. Of course, this didn’t precipitate a Heidi/Spencer split also. That would be too sensible.
But what about our star, Lauren? Well, as you may remember, she made the bonehead mistake of turning down a fake internship in Paris to live at a fake beach house in Malibu with her boy, Jason. However, Lauren soon told us that things went “from bad to worse.” Question: if things were already bad, why the heck did you turn down the damn internship? Okay, I’ve already committed the first sin of Hills watching: applying logic.
Nevertheless, as we all read about in the tabloids this summer, Jason and LC broke up, and as the show began in earnest, we watched as Lauren pulled up to J-Wahl’s apartment in her fancy new Mercedes convertible (those Teen Vogue internships must pay a pretty penny). Apparently, Lauren had arrived to return Jason’s junk, but no one had bothered to tell Jason that this was supposed to be an emotionally draining. The first thing he said upon her arrival was “Damn! Golf clubs!” as if he was just the lucky recipient of a Toys For Tots campaign.
As Lauren plucked bags of his belonging out of her car, Jason marveled at the scope of this activity. “So much stuff…” he mumbled, his brain simultaneously exploding in the process. To be fair, he faints every time he walks into Costco. I kind of felt bad for LC because as she teared up at this sentimental transfer of goods, Jason appeared stoned off his ass, giggling at every little thing. Eventually, the two had a “talk” where he said he still wanted to hang out with LC — lest the source of his fame leave him behind — but she rebuffed him repeatedly. “Are you still going to be my buddy?” he then asked, failing to specify if she would be his fuck buddy or jail buddy. LC again said no, explaining, “I can’t be normal with you.” Of course, it’s hard for anyone to be normal around a furry troll who communicates through an elaborate system of mumbles and sighs.
Finally, Lauren drove away, and the familiar refrain of Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten” filled our ears. Yes, MTV’s using the same song, which still fails to really work for the opening credits, but whatever. And speaking of opening credits, I couldn’t help but notice that Audrina and Whitney received higher billing than Heidi. What gives?
Speaking of Heidi, we then traveled over to the Bolthouse offices where the big man in charge, Brent Bolthouse, announced he wanted an old school Hollywood opening for Area. As long as that involved Brent shaving down the caterpillars over his eyes, I’d be all for it. (I am officially never getting into Area now. Sorry, Brent!) (But seriously, those were crazy Peter Gallagher-ish).
Anyway, Brent then said, “Heidi, we have a lot of work to do; so don’t bug me.” Yeah, good luck with that.
Meanwhile, over at Epic Records, we caught up with our Epic Receptionist, Audrina. The took out her phone and called Heidi, but apparently she forgot that other girls don’t like it when you hang out with their boyfriends behind their backs. That’s right, Heidi ignored the call, but the real story here was that Heidi’s ringer was a very placid, calm bell chime. I’m sorry, but I’m not convinced that was real. Heidi’s a Fall-Out Boy ring tune if I ever saw one.
Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Lauren made her triumphant return to Teen Vogue where apparently she was serving the longest internship EVER. Just like last season, Lauren took a seat in her office/walk-in closet and sat around, waiting for something exciting to happen. And sure enough, exciting things did happen. For one, Wh-wh-wh-Whitney made her spectacular return, all abuzz with her typical energy and daffy charm. She was all Anne Hathaway-ed out after her summer in Paris, and after some generic babbling about all the photo shoots and experiences she’d had, Whitney finally got around to asking about Jason. This was all fine and good, but there was a giant elephant in the room: WHEN WOULD LISA LOVE RETURN?
Well, LC actually mentioned that she hadn’t talked to Lisa Love since the whole Paris decision. I wondered why that could be. Maybe it’s because Lisa Love thought LC’s internship had ended three months ago. Nevertheless, it was finally time to leave the closet and enter the frightful lair of Lisa, but sadly, there was no Blaine to escort the girls. As some of you may remember, Blaine took a job at Glamour, and now he spends his days chatting about fashion on The Megan Mullally Show. That’s right — he spurned Lisa Love for Megan Mullally. Big mistake, bud. Big mistake.
Anyway, the girls shuffled into Lisa’s office where she greeted them with warm smiles. Of course, it didn’t take long for the passive aggression to kick in. Lisa asked them how their summers were, and Whitney replied, “Summer was great. Paris was amazing.” Yes, Lisa, you might remember considering Whitney flew to Paris with you.
Nevertheless, we learned that Whitney had met Fiona (ooh! Wait, who?) and had visited Coco Chanel’s apartment. Lisa Love then kicked her passive aggression into high gear as she noted, “Well, that was a great choice of yours to make to go to Paris.” Unlike you, LAUREN!
Lisa then aimed her wrath directly at LC by saying, “Lauren didn’t go to Paris. She’s going to be always known as the girl who didn’t go to Paris.” Oh SNAP! I half expected Lisa to then dismiss the girls with a condescending “That’s all,” but she had a few more sparks of PA to get out.
“How was your summer at the beach with your boyfriend?” Lisa asked. “Did that work out for you?” She does not STOP! I love Lisa Love. Of course, Lauren had nothing to do but give her trademark deflated look and admit that she regretted skipping out on Paris. Wah wah wah.
“Please bore someone else with your questions.”
Later, Lauren cried in the apartment, saying that she moved in with Jason to stop the crying, but then she was crying because they were fighting, and then she was crying because they were breaking up, and now she was crying because he wasn’t there to stop her. Oh, and she was also crying because she was chopping onions and Heidi had opened up a canister of tear gas by accident.
Okay, I kid I kid. Heidi did, however, say something sweet to Lauren: “The best part of Jason was you.” I actually disagree. I think the best part of Jason was the vacant look in his eyes whenever he encountered simple arithmetic.
After the break, we then headed into Act II of the premiere, which focused on the wonderful world of Spencer and Heidi, or as I like to call them, Speidi (pronounced like Spidey). Anyway, the two lovebirds arrived at Spencer’s favorite restaurant, Don Antonio’s, a Mexican spot in Santa Monica. Once the two sat at their table, Heidi babbled on about Area opening up and whatnot. She then revealed that all the people at Bolthouse hate Audrina, or as she later called her, “The Drina.” This of course segued into Heidi interrogating Spencer about The Drina, asking if they ever had a thing. Spencie flat out denied it; although, not before his voice stuttered and raised a few octaves. Maybe it was the margaritas or the light reflecting off Spencer’s forehead, but Heidi believed him, and ultimately, the two wound up going back to his apartment and spending the night (a.k.a. consummating the Speidi union).
Spencer: a round square-face, or a square round-face?
The next morning, Heidi returned to the apartment and filled Lauren in on the status of her relationship with Spencer. Apparently, he has recently become very affectionate and now has a tendency to actually hide behind Heidi. Awww so cute and strange. Yes, it appeared as though this relationship was destined for great things…
Too bad we then found Spencer enjoying fro-yo with the beast herself, AUDRINA! The two talked about Heidi behind her back, not understanding why she hated The Drina so much. “How do you not like you?” Spencer asked, clearly overlooking that whole “lack of personality” problem Audrina suffers from. He then asked her if she was still friends with Lauren, but Audrina noted that since Heidi and Lauren were roommates, they were kind of like a team. “I’ll be your team member,” Spencer then offered, and to show he was serious, he then suggested that they go to… DON ANTONIO’S!!! Uh oh. Spencer also promised that the restaurant had “life-changing Mexican food.” I ate there once about four years ago. It was good. I haven’t been back. Hardly life changing, unless, of course, you’ve never eaten Mexican food (and/or enjoyed the sights and sounds of Santa Monica’s mattress district, which is where it’s located).
We then cut to the grand opening of Area where we found LC hanging out with her old pal from The ‘Guna, Jen. Yay old faces! The girls sat on a couch and scanned the room for hot guys, with Jen finding a potential paramour at six o’clock. However, since Jen was sitting in one direction but facing another, LC was confused as to where six o’clock actually was. When she asked for clarification, Jen’s brain promptly shut down, and she suddenly realized she was unable to provide the proper coordinates for hottie detection. After some time, she did revise her statement, saying the hottie was at eleven o’clock instead. Eleven, six — easy to mix up. Numbers are very tricky.
Now, I’m not up with my Brody Jenner famedar skillz, but I think it was he in the shadows that the girls were spying on. And for those of you wondering who Brody Jenner is, he’s the son of Bruce Jenner, and ex-flame of Nicole Richie. He’s also dating Kristin Cavallari, if I’m not mistaken. That, of course, would make a Brody/LC union quite intriguing. Of course, I could be wrong about all this because honestly, who cares enough to really follow Brody Jenner’s love life?
Nevertheless, while Lauren and Jen people watched, Heidi was on the red carpet, working the door with her odd looking co-worker whose name escapes me. Spencer soon showed up and revealed himself to be a total moron of J-Wahl-ian proportions as he dragged THE DRINA in tow. Hey, idiot, did you not remember anything of what your alleged girlfriend said about Audrina vis-a-vis her hating her? Well, Heidi gave them both a cold greeting (I’m not sure she even said anything to Audrina), and as they walked into the club, Spencer told The Drina, “I didn’t know she actually like was openly hating you.” He then added, “You see, I’m too self-absorbed to actually ‘listen’ to what other people ‘say.’”
Later, Spencer tried to clear things up with Heidi in the club, saying, “I swear on my mother’s life I didn’t come up with her.” Yeah, um, sounds like he really loves his mother. In the middle of this discussion, however, Audrina barged in and gave Spencer a hug, kind of her way of saying, “He’s mine too, BITCH!” Ladies and gentlemen: meet Spaudrina. Personally, my favorite part of all this was that in the background, Whitney Houston’s pop anthem “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” blared through the speakers. And just like that, Area became slightly less cool.
Beware the spectre of SPAUDRINA!
After the commercial break, we found Heidi back at the Bolthouse offices, talking to her co-worker, the ever elfin Elodie. The two talked about how The Drina showed up with Spencer and how bad that was and blah blah blah. But this discussion of Spaudrina could not go on much longer because Heidi was feeling dizzy and nauseous. In fact, she’d been feeling this way quite often. Hmmm… Does it happen in the mornings? What could it be?
Over at Epic Records, Audrina babbled to her co-worker about Spencer and what a pig he was. Apparently, she doesn’t even like him (which explains why she continues to sacrifice her friendship with Heidi to grab fro-yo with him), and at the club, she said he was all over her. “I was like ‘Spencer stop!’” Audrina recalled. I wonder if this was before or after she gave him that big hug.
Meanwhile, Heidi went to a drug store and bought herself a generic pregnancy test kit, which seemed kind of odd. Could she not pony up the extra dollar for a name brand? A little Clear Blue Easy, perhaps? Anyway, Heidi returned to the apartment and marched up to the bathroom to test herself. The results? Oh, that will be next week. Until then, we’ll just have to wonder: IS HEIDI WITH CHILD?? Or is she just feeling the after effects of those life-changing tacos at Don Antonio’s? My money’s on the latter.
When you simply must know, CVS is there for you.
What did you think about the premiere? What do you think about the new faces and dramas? Personally, I love it.