Recap: The Hills: Promises, Promises

This week on The Hills, J Wahl gets a chin makeover in rehab, Deadrina decides that just because you can’t love half a man doesn’t mean you can’t accept a ride to the beach from him, and Montag makes a huge dick move.

We start off this week in the officecloset at Teen Vogue. The girls are hard at work gossiping about their weekends. When Lauren tells Whitney that Jason called her, Whitney makes one of her empathetic listening faces. Really, this girl should be a therapist. What a sphinx.

Apparently, Jason just got out of rehab that day, so he called Lauren to a) totally ruin her life or b) make amends. Hard to tell with the Wahler, and I’m worried for our girl. Wahler is not made of strong stuff: it only took him two seasons on a reality show to get to rehab, unlike the lifetime of stage parents and celebrity scrutiny that forced Lindsey, Britney, and Corey to make some promises. I love how both girls just nod like getting out of rehab at age 22 is totally normal. When I was 22, I would have been like, OMG what was he ON?!?! His parents must’ve been so horrified!!!! How much, like, stuff do you have to do to go to REHAB?

LC seems a little scared, so she makes a joke about how Jason has always seemed to have a built-in arm beeper that goes off just as things are going good. This is true, but since we know that Jason recently asked some sweet young tennis semipro to marry him, the drama seems a little stale. I wonder if Ice Accessories gives two-for-one.

Judging by the fact that Lauren is working out with Deadrina and her trainer at Equinox instead of eating Pinkberry with Lo, I’m guessing Dead hasn’t spoken to Bustin in awhile. Awards for good behavior. Jarett, the trainer, seems like a guy who as a kid thought that being a ventriloquist would be awesome, but his dad called him a pussy so he learned to lift weights. There’s something inauthentic about him I don’t like. Plus, he has a staccato, rushed speech pattern that would enable him able to throw his voice easily. Jarett is similar to Jart, which is a name for lawn darts, which is apropro because Jarts can cause injury and they are kind of boring. While Jart helps LC stretch, she hears her phone ring from somewhere far away. No one else can hear it, but LC says she can hear her blackberry from miles away like only a dog can hear a silent whistle. Turns out she met some meathead last night who runs a boot camp and what a coincidence! Jart knows him, too! He convinces the girls to go on a double date. They both seem rather unenthused. “We’ll do shots!” he says, in a dangerously boring kind of way.

Some guy behind you just asked you out. Jaaart!

If I had bet money on that last paragraph, I would have won big. As LC and Dead drink smoothies, LC reveals it was Jason who called and Dead says she’s been fading Bustin all week. “Don’t you hate that?” LC vents. “Bad guys? You’re like I wanna get over you, and just when you stop thinking about them, they send you a text message. It’s like a radar!” Deadrina doesn’t seem like she wants to get over Bustin just yet, so she says instead, “We’ll have fun tonight!” Anybody wanna make a bet?

The world’s most beautiful businesswoman arrives at her very important job. And around the same time, Heidi shows up at Bolthouse. Her only friend left in the world, Elodie, tells her about the new events director job opening, which she’s gonna go for. Hopefully Brent promotes from within. “Definitely,” says Heidi, studying Elodie’s hopeful face. Shut up, Elodie! But she can’t hear me yelling at the TV, so she continues. Comes with it’s own office! She’s worked pretty hard so hopefully Brent will acknowledge that. “Acknowledge that,” Heidi echoes, eyeing the walls. (Maybe a yellow? A light yellow?) Plus, Elodie feels she’s ready and she’s been there for over two years. “That’s it?” asks Heidi, wheels turning so hard you can almost hear them squealing. “You started just before I did?” “A year before,” Elodie swallows, realizing in that split second she’s been speaking with the enemy. “Well, too bad you haven’t had a tv crew following you around for the last year, but good luck anyway!” says Heidi. Then she pulls a lipstick out of her purse and writes HEIDI MONTAG on the door.

Do any of you remember how in My Fair Lady Henry Higgins teaches Eliza Doolittle how to speak by playing notes on a xylophone? Speidi singtalk through an entire scene at Chez Janky. “I have some good neeee-eeeews!” “I loooove good nee—eeeews!” “There’s a new position at BOOOOOOLT—hooooouse!” “No one deserves it more than yooooooo—uuuuu!” “I’d have my OOOOWN oooooff—iiiice! And my OOOOWN assiiiiiiist-aaaaaant!” “NOOOO OOOONE deserves it more than YOOOO—uuuu!” “But. . . Ellllod—–” “NOOOOO— OOOONE deserves it more than YOOOO—UUUUU!”

Where does the rain in Spain fall, bitch?!?

That night at Lola’s (where I’ve never had less than three giant martinis, so no wonder it’s LC’s favorite place), LC and Deadrina join their dates. As they approach the table we get a look at LC’s squire for the evening, a guy named Derek. He’s telling Jart about dudes in Jersey who shave their heads and leave a little rat tail in the back. Jart insists that this is haircut is called a mullet. Man, this looks bad.

We gather from initial pleasantries that Derek is indeed from Jersey and he’s only wearing a Michigan T-shirt because it cost 40 cents at the thrift store. LC is mildly amused. Then he tells her that shirts at thrift stores cost like 50 dollars now, and that’s why it so weird that he got this shirt for 40 cents, because vintage is so hip now that shirts cost 50 or 60 bucks, like on Melrose, and that’s why he got a lot of shirts for 40 cents before he left Jersey and isn’t weird how a year later those same shirts can cost 50 or 60 bucks? “Weird,” LC says pointedly, no longer amused. She gives a “thanks a lot” face to Jart, and sips her water.

You’ll pay, puppet master!

Observing the L.A. “two locations per date” rule, the foursome hit Les Deux. Again? Apparently, Derek has not been watching The Pick Up Artist, because he tells Lauren that he likes her better than anyone else he’s ever met. Where’s a creepy guy with a furry top hat, eyeliner, and an earbug when you need him? I’m dying for a split screen of Mystery and The Matador just hear them go “Doh! Abort! Abort!” They’re not here tonight, so Derek continues on aimlessly, telling LC that maybe he’s psychotic, maybe he murdered some people, and in high school he dated a girl for seven years. Great things to tell someone to make up for the fact that all your shirts cost 40 cents. This is a very similar conversation to the one I had with a guy standing outside the 7-11 near my house. Too bad LC can’t just say, “Here’s five bucks. Get something to eat. Or, whatever. I’m going home now. God bless you, too.”

There’s only so much eye rolling a girl can do without getting a headache, so when Deadrina asks LC if she wants to go pee with her, LC jumps at the chance. “I never wanted to stab myself in the eye more,” LC tells Dead in the loo. Meanwhile, Jart and Derek have some girl time, and when asked how it’s going, Derek says, “Is it too early to propose?” It will always be too early for you to propose, Derek.

When Lauren floats into the officecloset, Boss Lady Whitney tells her to look at the bright side. At least LC wasn’t with him by herself. Oh, Whitney. What a useless statement. Lo would have told her she should have pretended to be sick, gone home, and enjoyed life. Disappointed that she hasn’t had more than a first date in over a year, LC feels she’s cursed. Suddenly redeeming herself in my eyes, Whitney sagely tells our girl that maybe it’s just something she has to go through since not every guy is going to be Prince Charming, not even with four or five martinis.

Next, Nomi Malone auditions for the role of lead dancer behind Crystal’s back and then pushes her down the stairs. Around the same time, Heidi tells Dolthouse that she knows there’s a position open that boasts it’s own office, and Spencer would like her to be considered for the position. Heidi smiles. “Interesting idea,”says Brent. “I came up with it all by myself. I saw it on Craig’s List. Elodie didn’t tell me anything. I swear.”

Now to the business at hand. Is Lauren back with Jason?

Boy, do we need some honesty in this episode…just like that, Lo comes by the Hillside Villas. Deadrina and Lauren are cooking something that might be chicken tacos, but the pan of meat we get a good glimpse of looks like gross lumpy tuna casserole. LC’s cutting tomatoes and leaving the seeds in. Someone get her mother in here to do this right! Lo drops her purse and says to Dead, “I heard you had a fight with Bustin.” Still not ready to giveup on Bustin, Deadrina says yeah, but it’s not like they’re boyfriend/girlfriend so she’s still going to be his friend or some kind of rationalization that sounds like: get off my back already jesus. Both the L’s grimace, but they don’t push because they’re sick of talking in circles.

LC’s phone rings and as she picks it up, Lo says, “You pick up unknown numbers?” She’s sharp, that one. LC sounds so friendly that Lo asks if it’s her daddy. When LC mouths “Jason, ” Lo mutters,”creepy.” Atta’ girl. 3 for 3. Deadrina wonders if The Wahl is doing good, and LC, feigning disaffection replies, “You never know with him.” Lo responds that LC can’t be “just friends with someone like that.” Uh, oh. With the look on LC’s face, the fourth truth may be one too many.

In lieu of any more actual, potentially uncomfortable conversation, Deadrina reads questions out of a book that looks like it’s called “Love Questions.” She tries one on LC about getting 500 dollars a day not to touch her lover, and then rescinds it because Lauren isn’t in a relationship. Feels a little like a slap, but Deadrina doesn’t notice and asks her another question about how many times she’s been swept away by love. LC holds up one finger, but I’m guessing, it’s not the finger she’d like.

So, what’s it like being cold and alone at night?

The editors give us some vintage Hills by the poolside, but since vintage is so hip and expensive, we only get forty seconds. LC says that Derek called her but she couldn’t bear to listen to the message. Deadrina jokes, “Hi, wifey! Are you ready to get married yet?” LC plays the message and laughs devilishly while Dead screams for her to put it on speaker.

LC wonders (for a change) if maybe her expectations are too high for guys. Deadrina admits Bustin called again and she finally answered. He apologized and he “never says sorry.” Give this guy a medal. Lauren might have gotten bitten by the Lo bug, because she tells Dead that she only likes the good Bustin and you can’t just like half of someone, like the half that just got out of rehab. Deadrina stays quiet, trying to figure out if they’re still talking about Bustin.

A really decent, hardworking person who deserves a promotion arrives to work at Bolthouse Offices. Shortly before that, Heidi showed up, too, and occupied the office of the new Event Director. Elodie stands at the edge of the door. “Congratulations,” she pushes out her throat. “Are you going to decorate it?” she asks, almost mocking.

“Definitely put some picher frames and stuff,” says Heidi, whose skin is suddenly leaking oil. “Is that a new purse?”she asks. Elodie sucks her lips between her teeth so it makes the sound of distaste. “No.” She stares at Heidi, who opens and closes her mouth. It’s hard to think of a way to say it doesn’t pay to be a sucker that sounds like an apology. “Well, good for you,” Elodie, says, stressing the “you.” “I hope you appreciate it as much as I would have since I’m not also planning to record an album and pose in my underwear and get married on tv, since this is my actual career. This job. IS MY ACTUAL CAREER. You little shit.” ” Heidi tries to piece together several other sentences unsuccessfully. So Elodie cuts her off and tells her it’s not personal, and “if we have to work together. . .” She lets that sentence trail off in a vaguely threatening manner. Heidi smiles insincerely, not registering she lost her last friend in L.A. Elodie returns to her desk in the communal area pissed beyond fucking belief.

Uh-oh

Hey look! Bustin and Deadrina went to the beach and are riding his bike down the PCH again! Hey! Is that footage from the other 3 times they went on that same date?

Lauren makes the drive to Orange County to visit The Wahl in rehab and be just friends with him. He cut his hair and he shaved off the beard that gave him some semblance of a chin. She asks him how long of a break he has and he says he’s done for the day. He already had group this morning. Wow. Rehab is hard. He smiles a lot and sips his coffee and profusely doesn’t apologize. He says he had some bad habits. Lauren looks at him the way you look at exes who have crushed you. You wonder how you ever loved them that much. He explains to her that their break up was hard for him to get over. “I know,” she says, recognizing, sober or not, it’s still all about him, all the time. You get the feeling our girl will be just fine.