This week on The Hills, not enough happened to fill up 22 minutes of air time, we here at the gasm were reassured that we are in no danger of The Hills girls taking over our recap jobs, and the editors fell asleep at the dubbing wheel.
Business or personal?
We hear in Lauren’s voiceover opening that Deadrina took off for the WHOLE WEEKEND with Bustin. What?! They didn’t just go to the beach and have another metaphor-laden discussion about not dating, sealed with a does-this-mean-I’m-in-the-buddy-zone fist punch or, worse, a high-five?
Deadrina bounces into the apartment wearing a hoodie from the Punky Brewster collection. On the back is the number 77, which in numerology means holy emptiness. Holy emptiness, Bustin! Look at the happiness in Deadrina’s eyes! LC and Dead hug like they haven’t seen each other in years. LC asks what they did on their trip. According to Dead, they “had good talks and fooled around and were silly.” I like to imagine them discussing what colors look best with their skin tones, after they sign into the hotel as Mr. and Mrs. A. Sole and play mad libs. But they probably just boned all weekend. So is he going to buy the cow? Dead told him to make it or break it, which sounds like a sexy double entendre, but it isn’t. He chose to “make it” which I guess means they’re boyfriend/girlfriend. All I can think is that it means she had sex with her nightgown on like in Forever by Judy Blume. Recapping her own show, LC tells Deadrina that she had coffee with Jason, but nothing happened because they were both sober.
And then, to lighten the mood, she does a completely inappropriate Deadrina impression.
It’s time for an award ceremony at Chez Janky! The Monchichi put the toilet seat down for once! He wants an award! Heidi says she’ll give him one in a way that makes me feel gross, like the way you feel when you see two drunk people making out in public. He wants to go to work with her because even if he beats his high score again, he’s already used the initials TIT and FUK and ASS on all the arcade machines, so it’s no fun anymore. Heidi would love to bring him along, but she’s afraid Elodie would see and it would make her feel bad she doesn’t have the privilege of bringing bratty evil children to the office, too. Heidi should go into voice -over work because when they dub in her voice saying “It’s business, not personal” regarding Elodie, it sounds so real.
Over at Teen Vogue, Whitney and other employees are seated in the conference room, tablets open, pens uncapped, ready for anything. I hope Lisa Love comes in, points at someone and yells,”You’re fired!” just for kicks. No one can take fashion for eighth graders that seriously. But, unfortunately, the young Hollywood party is coming up, and it is no joke. Lisa assigns Whitney the job of location scout. Since Marc Jacobs is showing his line this year, it’s really important to find a place with a VIP area where Marc and his friends can drink Red Bull in private. LC is nowhere in sight, so it looks like she’ll be steaming dresses and tracking down hung over models as usual.
Heidi shows she’s committed to proving herself in her new position by arriving at Bolthouse after everyone else does. Elodie doesn’t respond to her breezy hello. Heidi begins to train her intern assistant. She doesn’t take calls from anyone besides Spencer, Brent, and Jen. That’s how you build client relationships. Let them know you are more important than they are. Elodie quietly builds a bomb out of paperclips and white out.
Horizontal stripes = danger
Whitney and LC arrive at the Regent Beverly Wilshire to scout it as a possible location for the Young Hollywood party. Whitney is bouncing ideas off the hotel manager while Lauren leans on the wall. As soon as the manager leaves, LC perks up. “Guess who I went to get coffee with yesterday?” Wait, does she recap the coffee date again? Ugh, she does. Why doesn’t she call Lo now and tell her, too? We’ve got all day.
Back at the office closet, and after exchanging a few agreements about the fact that the spaces they looked at are too small, they get back to their real work, gossiping. LC tells Whitney that Deadrina went away with Bustin for the weekend. Why don’t these girls just watch their own show? After agreeing not to comment on Deadrina and Bustin, they do a rapid fire comedy act Abbot and Costello would have been proud of:
“There’s no need for anyone else to get involved.”
“Stay out of your friend’s love life.”
“Never do it.”
If only they were conjoined at the hip and could play piano
Just then, The Wahl calls LC and invites her to dinner. Whitney’s eyes almost bug out of her head. When LC tells her he invited her to dinner at Ketchup, Whitney says they can “ketchup on old times or ketchup on new ones.” Then she breaks into “Swanee, how I love ya, how I love ya!” The kid’s got talent!
“How To Be an Awesome Boss,” by Heidi Montag.
1) Arrive late.
2) Have your unpaid assistant do personal tasks that you find tedious, like reprogramming your new cell phone.
3) Talk to your boyfriend as soon as you arrive with the door open.
4) Ignore the disapproving stare from your passed-over coworker.
Spence invited Heidi to Ketchup to celebrate her new job. Hey, wait! Isn’t that where Jason and Lauren are going? Is this a set up?
LC and The Wahl arrive for their ambush at Ketchup. LC appears to be drinking a cosmo. Way to support! The Wahl bounces up and down and slides his head back and forth. Hard to occupy your body when you want to pound a few jack and cokes. As LC tries to engage Jason in a conversation about interior decorating, J rubbernecks a chick passing by. He almost breaks his spinal cord, and Lauren calls him out. “What?! Did you think I was checking her out?” Honesty is such a lonely word. LC isn’t playing, so he admits that she knows him to well. “I know you better than anybody,” LC says in a babyish voice. I wonder if she means better than she knows anybody else, or better than anyone else knows him. Either way, it’s a lose-lose.
Speaking of a lose-lose, Speidi roll into Ketchup, spying LC and Jason so quick you wonder if maybe somebody tipped them off. Spence does a driveby insult as they are shown to their table, something about how heartwarming it is to see them back together. LC tells The Wahl she just hates Spencer, and doesn’t like him breathing near her. LC was all flirty and happy before they walked in and now seems dejected. Speidi, on the other hand seem high as kites at the prospect of a face-off. They giddily joke to each other about Jason getting out of rehab, or jail haha! “Maybe they’re back in the movie-making action!” Heidi laughs. Then she looks directly into the camera and says, “But I DID NOT START THAT RUMOR. I JUST THINK IT’S HILARIOUS TO REPEAT IT.”
When the waitress comes over, Speidi think it would be soooo unbelievably cool of themselves to send Lauren a drink and Jason a bottle of water. They are such immature dicks. Jason wants to just stare at them, and LC pleads with him to sit there and talk to her and ignore them. When the waitress brings the drinks, LC and J refuse them. Heidi peers over her menu. “Boy that was rude,” she notes. I know! Whenever I receive a gesture of pure hostility I always accept. It’s the polite thing to do! Jason says there are going to be some serious beat-downs. Since he doesn’t name names, I think the first to get a knuckle sandwich will be the segment producer.
In a heightened state of delusion, Heidi can’t believe that after all they’ve been through that Jason is the one LC still talks to instead of her. She was there through everything! As Jason and LC leave, Heidi yells, “Bye! Have a good night!” and waves. I can’t believe LC doesn’t want to talk to you either! You’re so sincere!
As LC and J drive home, they recap the encounter. Heidi betrayed them. And Spencer didn’t even know them when they were together! Jason never even met him before! That was ridiculous! Any flirtation is gone. They both feel bad and kind of self-conscious about being together. As Jason drops her off, LC hovers a little bit, seemingly unsure if it was a date, and if there will be a kiss. There’s nothing, not even a hug. Not even a vague “see you soon.” Just a good night and a door slam.
Back in the officecloset, Whitney tells LC they’re going to scout places other than hotels. Then, back to work! LC tells Whit she went to dinner last night with Jason. Then she gives Whitney a play by play of the scene we just saw. Ugh. Boring.
Heidi wanders into Bolthouse, where Elodie is already diligently working in the common area. Heidi plops down and regales the tale of last night’s encounter. Are the editors smoking pot? Yo! We saw the scene! Why do we have to hear about it two more times?! Elodie has had it and asks Heidi what she did to Lauren that she won’t even accept a drink from her. Heidi can’t think of anything to say, because “it’s business, not personal” doesn’t seem to fit here. Elodie points out that Heidi used to also be friends with Whit and Audrina and now no one will talk to her. Heidi seems to be having a hard time comprehending that Elodie is no longer her friend, either. Elodie goes on to say that Heidi doesn’t know right from wrong and it’s really sad. WOW, Elodie. Then she’s like ” See ya!” The look on Heidi’s face is priceless!
You try and be nice to an underling…
All is not lost for our heroine. She meets Jason for coffee. He’s looking for apartments in the paper. Hey, Jason. Times have changed since you’ve been in rehab. There’s this thing called the internet and this guy named Craig who created a list. LC offers to help him look since she has the whole weekend off. Uh, oh. Enabling? And then, she offers to have sober nights with him. They can go to comedy clubs, bowling, movies. Her eyes are all glowy and enchanted. They gaze all goo-ey at each other. It’s supposed to feel hopeful, but becasue we know Jason is engaged in real life, I just feel dread.
Speidi go to Don Antonio’s for the 1001 time. Spencer wants them to give him an award! Don Antonio’s should make a plaque with his name on it and put it on the booth! He toasts Heidi’s new position which she totally deserves! Besides, he told her she wouldn’t regret it! How many days are they going to celebrate this?
She might regret it a little bit, because she has insomnia from the stress of the job. Then while we watch the back of Heidi’s head, the editors lay down another line from Heidi’s dubbing session: Elodie has to understand, it’s just business. Since at this point, it’s clear that that is not Heidi’s genuine sentiment, I load my bb gun and shoot my tv.