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Well what do you know; we’re not the only ones who had some issues to work out. Those mischievous producers over at MTV, they always know exactly what we need. Apparently, we all had a fever, and the only prescription was more Hills!
Lauren starts us off by rehashing the events of the previous week, which is par for the course by now. As bland as New Year’s Eve seemed to have been, apparently, it was the best New Year’s Lauren has ever had. Unfortunately, Heidi had been keeping a secret from her. She caught wind of it from Lo, but Heidi was about to tell her the secret, HERSELF… Dunh Dunh Dunh
I’m SO her BFF
Boy Friend F*cker
We soon catch up with Lauren and Heidi milling around their kitchen in the supposed Hillside Villas. Heidi gets things rolling by telling Lauren, “Oh my God, you’re not going to guess what happened to me on New Year’s.” Lauren decided to get witty again and responded back with, “You kissed… a boy?” Oh Lauren stop, your killing me. When is the next open mic night at The Comedy Store on Sunset? Sign this girl up.
Heidi then revealed that Spencer had asked her to move in with him. Lauren already knew this though, so instead she chose to prod Heidi about telling Lo first. Heidi quickly brushed Lauren off, determining now would be a better time to try and build up her man. “I thought it was really nice of him to offer… You know, that, he wanted that.” Well if by nice, Heidi meant extremely disturbing, then yes, it was very nice. Lauren isn’t buying into the gentlemanly gesture though and said, “That kind of freaks me out, like, I got to be honest. I think if a guy after a few months asked me to move in with him, I would be like whoaaa.” She then prefaced that statement by adding, “Unless of course, it involved 8-Bahl and a beach house in Malibu. Heck, I would even blow off a summer internship in Paris for that.”
Heidi: “He asked me to move in with him!”
Uh Oh, She already knew
Oh, this isn’t good
I think I just shat myself.
ÃŽ think she just shat herself
It was now time for Lauren to ask the question on all of our minds. What was Heidi going to do? Surprisingly, Heidi eased all of Lauren’s fears by letting her know that she had turned down Spencer’s offer. Wait, what??? I thought we determined that Heidi’s will had been completely broken in the last episode. Maybe we underestimated our young, blonde comrade. She stands by her master after all!
Lauren seemed very excited about the prospect of Heidi sticking around. And we all know what happens when Lauren gets excited: Clothing analogy time!”A good roommate is like a good pair of jeans. You know what I mean? You hang on to those no matter what.” Well, I can’t really relate, but regardless, I’m not so sure I’d consider Heidi a “good” pair of jeans. After the events of the last few weeks, Heidi seems more like a beaten, mustard-stained pair of Levi’s.
After the credits, we see the title of this episode: “Apology NOT Accepted.” Uh-oh, maybe this installment isn’t appropriate for us after all. BWII must be right around the corner. I’m loading up the turrets at castle de L-Con as we speak.
Anyways, we then cut to Heidi and Audrina making preparations for Lauren’s surprise party. I thought these girls didn’t get along? Lauren’s birthday must trump all sidekick bickering. The two girls promptly turned their attention to the matter at hand: how to hoodwink their master into believing she wasn’t having a party. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but Heidi came up with a tremendous idea. “So maybe, if I like, bailed out right before dinner, it will throw everything off.” It would work so well, because Heidi had been such a shitty friend lately that Lauren would never know the difference! Considering what I was expecting, I was very surprised by their collective brainstorming. I was half expecting these two scholars to come up with something absurd, like claiming Ashes was dying a slow death on the floor of Hyde.
“Right when Lauren turns the corner, I’ll shove her down the stairs like this and make a run for it.”
Up in the offices of Teen Vogue, we find Whitney, fresh off of getting to second in her softball game, and lobbing Lauren some proverbial softballs regarding her upcoming 21st birthday. Lauren seems surprised that she’s not going to have a big party, but Whitney reassures her by saying, “I didn’t really have a big 21st. It’s one of those things that just being 21 is enough.” That’s true. Well, unless you’re Svetlana from ‘The Real World,” I suppose. Didn’t I take shots with her at the bar I worked at in Boston a few months ago? Yup, definitely did. The girl’s not even 21, and she’s being used to promote clubs across the country by drinking with the patrons. I think I see a future in the entertainment industry for Heidi and Audrina after all.
Moving on to Bolthouse, Heidi picks up a phone call from Spencer. This is nothing out of the ordinary, but the real story is our beaver-toothed friend Elodie rolling her eyes when she hears Heidi say “Spencer.” Holy shit. Without a doubt, the biggest moment of the entire episode! Damn me to hell if I ever leave out something as glorious as an eye roll from her again! (Editor’s note. . . you can live with Elodie!)
And just when you thought things couldn’t get any crazier, guess who strolls into Bolthouse supposedly out of the blue? That’s right, the newly branded backstabber herself. Hailing from Brody’s condo of cottontail indiscretion, none other, than Jenn Bunney! Heidi doesn’t appear to be happy to see her, and hastily shuffles her out into the hallway.
This expression tells me, “Im so happy you came to see me at work.”
Heidi goes on to tell her that she is really busy, and that she can’t talk because she is at work. Hold on a second, has Heidi gained work ethic AND resolve all in the same episode? Wow. You think you know all the answers, and then Heidi changes the questions!
Be honest with me, does this outfit show off my testicles?
After some quick small talk, Jenn starts in by telling Heidi, “I haven’t talked to my best friend of 15 years, for like, what, three weeks? For like what? Sloppy thirds?” Who’s Jenn talking about? Must be her two good buddies Kristin Cavallari and Nicole Richie. Regardless of the fact those two don’t qualify since Jenn barely knows them, what would that make her, sloppy fourths?
Snnnniiifffff…mmm my testi-smell
Jenn soon continues: “One night should not have even amounted to two days of this fight. I think we both agree on how crazy out of proportion this got blown.”
They are huge testicles!
Don’t count your rabbits before they hatch Bunney; your good buddy Heidi has already pulled a Pontius Pilate, and washed her hands clean of this mess: “Well, I told you, and I told her, that’s between you guys, and I don’t want nothing to do with it.” I’d like to take this time to congratulate Heidi; she has now officially mastered the art of scapegoating. Spencer must be so proud.
Shhhh, listen to the sound of my testicles.
Heidi arrives home to report the scandalous events of that morning to her old master. Or maybe it’s her current master? Heidi has been acting VERY sidekicky this episode. Planning parties, defending her master’s honor, running home with new information, etc… I’m starting to get a feeling of dÃ©jÃ vu. Meanwhile, Lauren is sitting on the couch, and looking quite dumpy for some reason. She doesn’t even look like herself, but I can’t quite put my finger on whom she resembles in this state of mid-afternoon melancholy. Actually, now I remember.
“Hey Beverley, when do you start taping the next season of ’7th Heaven’?”
Anyway, Heidi begins to explain the detail of her shocking morning. “I go; I think it’s really inappropriate that you are at my work. I don’t know what happened with you and her, but it’s between you and Lauren. Please don’t talk to me about it. Obviously you know what you did was wrong; give her space, and don’t come back to my work, please.” I know Heidi was just paraphrasing, but I must have missed the extremely condescending attitude she was portraying. Lauren was not happy about the news, and joined in on the Bunney bashing. “Like, don’t be so desperate. Do you not have any other friends? Like, chill out. I said I’ll talk to you, when I want to talk to you.” Looks like somebody decided those sidekick disciplining classes were a good idea after all.
After the commercial, it’s now time for the trap to be laid, as Heidi and Lauren begin to groom for the evening’s activities. Before the ambush could begin, Lauren had to ask Heidi a quick question, “Should I not wear a dress? I have a dress on.” There are so many jokes I could use here, but I was really hoping Heidi would curse out Lauren for not wearing a birthday tiara. Tiaras were not on Heidi’s mind though; it was time for the fake Spencer phone call. Once again, I must say Heidi did a fantastic job with this. You can almost see the anger building in Lauren’s eyes as she eavesdrops on Heidi’s conversation about ditching her. Lauren confronts Heidi in the stairwell about it, and Heidi just keeps muttering and making her way towards the door (not much acting to do here.) Lauren’s had enough though, and yells out, “Stop leaving me for Spencer, stop!” HEIDI HAS CHOSEN, BITCH!
As we know, Heidi has really chosen her master, but to the naked eye, it appears Lauren has been deceived again. Everything seems to be on track until Lauren collapses into a teary eyed ball of abandonment hell and calls Audrina. I thought Audrina was going to blow the surprise, because instead of immediately calling Heidi a bitch, she just happily invited Lauren out with her and the cohorts as planned. Lauren apparently didn’t read the writing on the wall, and started in on Heidi during the car ride to Hyde: “You’ve got to be kidding me, you’re not actually doing this are you?” It was pretty easy for Audrina to stick with the plan, only because she’s been consoling Lauren for the same issues weekly now. Audrina declared, “It’s like, three strikes and you’re out.” To which Lauren replied, “No, she’s like on her tenth strike.” Damn, Lauren’s getting feisty now; JBJ doesn’t know what she’s in for later!
“1-2-3 SURPRISE!!!” Yes, 1-2-3 is actually the way they Heidi readied the troops over at Hyde for the big surprise. While she may have mastered the art of scapegoating earlier, dare I say, Heidi has not yet mastered the art of counting backward. Better hope she doesn’t get a DUI. Oh that’s right, Heidi doesn’t drink anymore… Riiiiight.
As far as the surprise goes, it seems to have been pulled off perfectly. Lauren looks legitimately surprised when she arrives in the party room. Maybe she was just shocked to see Whitney at an after-work function. Their initial hug would be the last time we really see the softball star though, aside from a few passing glances of the camera. As we know, Whitney turns into quite the whore when she socializes; she was probably off in the corner making out with three guys at once again. Oh, that Whitney, you can’t bring her anywhere.
Man, the sidekicks are everywhere, even Lo decided to make a guest appearance!
“Sorry, George couldn’t make it. He’s relaxing at his plantation on Mount Vernon.”
Brody and Lauren then embrace. I assumed they probably didn’t get along after the whole Bunney scandal, but I forgot about the wonders of the glorious beverage known as champagne. That must have been some pretty potent bubbly, in order to forget that this douche had just hooked up with her best friend a few weeks before. One would think, it isn’t the smartest idea to bring up a sore subject, but as we all know, Brody’s no rocket scientist. So he goes ahead and asks where Lauren’s best friend is. Although puzzled at first – mainly because almost every sidekick she’s ever had is present – she realizes what Brody is insinuating. Apparently, Lauren has forgiven Brody for his role in the whole mess, because she puts the blame squarely on the shoulders of Jenn. It looks like somebody might be angling for a little 21st birthday “mackin.” Would hooking up with Brody tonight be considered sloppy fifths, or still sloppy thirds because it’s a retread? All I know is that this guy is the definition of a birthday party whore. Just book a decent place in LA and invite Brody. Over the course of the night, somebody will be getting macked. Fact.
Aside from throwing stuff at my TV due to the sight of Brody cozying up with Lauren again, I was a little distracted by the presence of my arch-nemesis D-BO the bodyguard. However, it was comforting knowing that Brody wouldn’t be allowed to get away with anything sleazy in the presence of D-BO.
D-Bo is like one of those annoying mimes at the boardwalk who will just copy everything you do.
Birthday toast time! For some reason, Spencer is appointed to make the toast, despite the well-documented hatred between him and Lauren. His speech was, not surprisingly, dreadful. I’ll turn the floor over to our dimwitted friend: “I’m not very good at speeches, because as Lo said, I’m not very smart.” (I love Lo) “But I do know this: The horrendous dog tag necklace I’m wearing is available at Archangella.com for the reasonable price of $92,000.” (Sorry, I’ll try to control myself, back to the speech) “But I do know this: Heidi, the love of my life, loves Lauren more than anything, so that makes Lauren an amazing person. We don’t see eye-to-eye, but they do, so at the end of the day, she is still a free publicity goldmine.” (Sorry again, I can’t help myself.) “So at the end of the day, we all see eye-to-eye.” Somehow Spencer managed to turn a nice thing into a passive-aggressive attack. Couldn’t he just be cordial for a change?
Everyone seemed to enjoy the speech though, and the night continued without a hitch. MTV then treated us to a beautiful montage of everyone having a great time, getting drunk and making out. Spencer looked liked he got all dolled up for his big kiss with Heidi in the clips; it almost appeared as if he had lipstick on. The montage came to an abrupt end, while Brody and Lauren were talking. Suddenly, the conversation ends, and LC puts her head down next to BJ. DAMN IT D-BO! You take your eyes off that scumbag Brody for 2 seconds…
“Did you enjoy your roofie colada Lauren?”
Following the break, Lauren and Brody roll up to Cuvee for a little lunch in one of the Godfather’s lowriders.
Unfortunately, it appears that Brody is making his way back into the fold for good. I just hope Lauren hasn’t seen the “Details” article yet. If not, it’ll be sayonara douchebag soon. Currently though, our heroine and Bruce Jenner’s evil spawn seem to be enjoying a fairly amicable meal. Lauren reiterates my sentiments about Spencer’s speech, but Brody seemed to have enjoyed it. In fact, Spencer is quite the “big toaster,” according to his multi-grain sidekick.
Everything appears to be going swimmingly, so Brody decides now might be a good time to try and stir up some more controversy, and brings up the name Jenn Bunney. Hasn’t this guy ever heard the expression “Let sleeping dogs lie?” Lauren takes the bait though, and starts rolling. “She was telling someone, ‘We’ll like, make up by her birthday, so I’ll be there.’ I’m like, ‘Don’t come to my birthday.’” Maybe that dreadful beast bought a ticket again! How dare she. “She’s kind of like, had a lot of problems with girls and like, guys.” As opposed to what, Lauren? Trials and tribulations with purses and rocks?
Lauren wasn’t done though, it was now story time. “Did you know that the night I kissed Jason, Jenn kissed him first?… She went into the other room to talk with him, made out with him, and then he went and kissed me.” Does this even surprise anyone? I just can’t believe she made it this far as a sidekick after regularly pulling stunts like this. Wasn’t that the day the girls compared guys to their favorite purses? I don’t hear Lauren making any accessory analogies now. “Guys are like purses… Until your best friend steals your favorite Louis clutch, and you try to choke her with the bag’s strap.”
All of a sudden, we cut to Jenn strolling the halls of what appears to be the Hillside Villas. This can only mean one thing: Jenn Bunney has come to say her peace. Ding, Ding, Ding. Let’s get ready to rumble! The special tonight at Don Antonio’s is a roasted rabbit burrito, extra tan, and Lauren looks very hungry. Ashes knows what’s about to happen, and flees the scene immediately. Jenn enters Lauren’s lair of resentment, wearing what looks like the exact same outfit she was donning at Bolthouse earlier in the show. No matter, she was about to be verbally undressed by Lauren anyway.
Lauren assumes the scolding position on the corner of the couch, and starts in on the crestfallen sidekick. Jenn attempts to defend herself by saying, “I just feel like everything got so blown out of proportion from what it needed to be.” Lauren wasn’t having it though, and responded, “It feels that way to you, because it didn’t happen to you.” Nicely said, Lauren. Bunney continues futilely by saying, “I really never meant to hurt you.” Lauren immediately rebuffed her though, with, “I don’t think you meant to hurt me. I don’t think you thought of me at all when you were doing it, because you were only thinking about yourself.” Man, Lauren is getting good at this. Anything Jenn throws at her, she hurls back in her face twice as fast. Now might be a good time for Jenn to remind Lauren that Heidi was the driving force in making this happen, and that she kept asking Heidi if she thought LC would care. Alas, JBJ’s head was spinning so fast by this point, that she could barely even complete an original thought.
Lauren then brings up the reality that Brody was the first guy that she “had a crush on” since Jason, and that was why she was so upset. Jenn in turn tried to blame what she did on the fact she assumed Brody didn’t matter toLauren. Uh-oh, looks like Bunney put her paw in her mouth there. “It’s about the fact that you did something really shady, and you did it behind my back, and you were evil and conniving. It wasn’t all Brody, IT WAS YOU!” Very well done, unfortunately, the line had lost a little of its zip since I had seen it in the previews all week.
Nevertheless, it seemed to be very effective, and Lauren was ready to start making her big push. She brings up the Jason thing, and Jenn appeared to get agitated about it. Big mistake, because this did nothing but infuriate Lauren further. I’m starting to think this is going to end badly; the title might have been a little hint. Lauren then decides to throw the knockout punch, “I’ve been burned by so many friends, especially lately, and I’m really starting to learn who my true friends are. I have every reason not to trust you… You know it’s true.” Silence. This one goes into the book as a TKO for Lauren, as Jenn has been rendered to a mumbling mess. She asks Lauren one last time if there was anything she could do or say, and Lauren told her “no” in so many words. I hear the line at the sidekick unemployment office is quite long this time of year.
“Cocker spaniel, Lauren?”
“Don’t even go there, Jenn.”
As Jenn was dejectedly walking down the hallway, I kept waiting for a producer to run up to her and request that she return her mic setup immediately. As great as it was to bid adieu to that ghastly sidekick, the whole fight was a little bit of a letdown. It was NOTHING compared to the tongue-lashing Lauren gave Heidi a few weeks back. Looking forward, next week’s preview looks AMA-ZINGK. I can not even put into words how excited I am for it. I don’t remember exactly what was said when Spencer and Heidi were in the car because I think I blacked out, but I believe it looked something like this.
Spencer: “You’ve been avoiding the subject for a month now, what do you want
Heidi: “I don’t want to move in with you”
Spencer: “Well then I don’t want you in my car.”
YESSSSSSSSSSSS. Next week can’t come soon enough. What did you guys think of this episode? Personally, I thought it was a little bit of a downer. What do you think of Heidi’s 180? Can she be trusted? So many questions… I’ll see you on the board.