For a mere $2,764 a day, you can help keep this poor intern in Prada
Finally, it’s Monday, my favorite television night of the week. The Hills and 24, all on the same glorious night. It’s almost too much to handle. I know it’s pretty odd pairing of shows, but if you haven’t realized it by now, I’m a few bricks short of a full load.
The main course, though, is obviously The Hills, and this week’s preview had me in a tizzy all week.
Someone is finally going to tell off Spencer Pratt. I’m so excited, I’m practically giddy. This must be how Jason felt every time he picked up a kilo. Relief and exuberance, all rolled up into one tremendous feeling of elation. Tonight’s episode better not let me down like last week, or else I’m going channel my inner J-Wahl by means of hurling racial slurs and punching the nearest cop. It’ll be alright, I’ll just get sentenced to complete a one-day program at the Museum of Hills Tolerance.
Seriously though, someone needs to give a raise to the person who makes the “Next time on The Hills” hodgepodge of clips. For the last three weeks, I’ve been practically frothing at the mouth for my Hills fix, but by the end of the episode, I can’t shake the feeling of being somewhat let down. Then all of a sudden I hear, “Next time on The Hills,” and they show a clip from next week that has me hooked all over again. It’s uncanny.
I don’t see how this week could disappoint though; all the heavy hitters are present, including a heaping helping of Lisa Love and Emily the evil intern.
Without further ado, Lauren started us off by saying Heidi reminded her of what a good friend she was by throwing her a surprise party. Ah yes, catering to one’s master definitely scores major brownie points, but the opening sequence wasn’t solely about tales of celebrations past, because Whitney was about to graduate from college! Yay for higher education! Apparently, Whitney was trying to find her way in this crazy world, but as Lauren so eloquently put it, “She was about to find out that sometimes, the last step is the hardest.” Lauren Conrad, ladies and gentlemen! She’ll be here all week.
Business is about to pick up though, as we soon find our way into the Teen Vogue offices (and my first encounter with Lisa Love as a recapper). Color me intimidated. Corporal Love explained to Whitney and Lauren how it was Oscar week – which means we’re almost within a month of “real time” on the show. I still can’t get over that. When’s Jason getting sprung from the can, a couple of weeks? I’m going to start a petition demanding that The Hills’ cameras be present. What are the odds that Jessica is waiting for him at the gates with a tube of Preparation H? 2-to-1? Even money?
Back to Lisa though, who informs the girls that Teen Vogue will be involved in a pseudo-fashion show on Good Morning America, to be headed by the one and only Andre Leon Talley! Wait a second, who? That must be my Vogue ignorance showing again, because it seems that Mr. Talley is the editor-at-large for the flagship magazine. Big things people, big things. Also, rumor has it that Teen Vogue is quite the avid collector of old Oscar fashions, because it has assembled an assortment of 30 dresses for the show’s disposal. And guess who’s going to be rocking one of Teen Vogue’s prized gowns? None other than the evil intern herself, Emily! I’m going out on a limb, and guessing that this news didn’t please our two L.A. interns. We don’t know for sure though, because thou shalt not speak ill of the superintern in the presence of Sergeant Love.
Whitney, interjecting herself into the conversation, asks Ms. Love for a moment alone to discuss pressing business. Lisa is more than happy to accommodate anyone who is not named Lauren, and quickly gives LC a look that screams “Get the hell out of my office!!” Lauren has seen that look before, and quickly scampered out of the room telling Lisa, “I’m gonna go to the closet.”
Did she really just say that? I thought that was just a running joke we had going here at TVGasm? Next thing you know, Lauren’s going to start calling her partner in crime Wh-Wh-Wh-Whitney, and the two of them are going to be intentionally putting blank Post-its on their monitors.
Oh…great…alone time….with you…Whitney. . . I’m so . . . here.
As it turns out, Whitney’s pressing business involved her future with Teen Vogue. “As you know, I am graduating in May, and I just wanted to know, what realm of this whole world I can possibly work in.” It might have been easier to just ask her boss if there were any positions available, but we all know how Whitney likes to complicate things. Fortunately for her, there may be a job opening up after all. Lisa informed her that a position titled “fashion contributor” will be available shortly, but there will be other interns who have similar qualifications that will be applying for the same job. Somehow, I doubt anyone else will have a qualification that reads “continuously followed around by MTV cameras.”
After the credits, we find Lauren trying to hang herself in the tyro closet of shame, and Whitney comes in to break the news of the possible job opening. She explains to Lauren, “Lisa said there are a bunch of other interns applying, blah blah blah.” I think if I was going to paraphrase Whitney’s explanation, I would have written those exact words. Our heroine seemed pleased that her colleague would be up for such a prestigious position, but declared, “I would not want to compete with Emily.” That makes two of us. Whitney’s up for the challenge though: “So I just, kind of have to like, I guess, prove myself, you know?” LC apparently understood that mess of gibberish, and told her friend, “Let’s make you look good.” The two interns then exchanged a couple of sneaky grins that made me wonder if they may have something up their sleeve for good old Emily. Could we possibly be in store for a Janet Jackson-esque “wardrobe malfunction?”
Moving across town, we come to… DON ANTONIO’S! Spencer must have some sort of endorsement deal with this joint, because his antics there are starting to get a little out of hand.
Ah yes, young love.
Never looked so annoyed.
Not only was the smile on his face so wide, that I’m surprised his lips didn’t crack and start bleeding, but he starting pumping his fist when the food was being delivered, and even let out a few “wooo’s.” Judging by the massive cloud of smoke, life-changing fajitas were on the menu tonight. The smoke was a little disorienting though, and it only made me wish Spencer himself had caught fire.
“Judas Priest, Barbara, it’s one of those flaming bags again.”
“Don’t put it out with your boots, Ted!”
“Don’t tell me my business, Devil Woman.
Call the fire department, this one’s outta control.”
“Eck, poop again.”
I guess Speidi forgot to debrief about Lauren’s birthday, because Liz Gateley started poking Heidi through the booth with her cattle prod. Spencer felt it was “very ironic” that he made the toast on Lauren’s birthday, most likely due to the fact they hate each other. Heidi thought it was pretty odd herself, and questioned his intentions. Since Spencer is a man of integrity, he revealed that although his girlfriend thought it was nice, he was really trying to be mean. Gee, he could have fooled me. I’ll give him 10 points for the honesty, but a big minus-200 for attempting to ruin someone’s 21st birthday by being a complete and utter dickbag.
Just your average 20 year olds $2,800 a month apartment.
Heidi still doesn’t seem too pumped about moving in with our favorite douche, and when Spencer asked why, she smoothly brought up the Playmate incident as her defense. It’s different now, Spencer claimed, because within the last month and half, his love for Heidi has made the voyage from earth to the moon. He added, “Moving in would be brilliant.” I can think of a few oxymorons that would fit here quite nicely.
La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha! Is it fiesta time? I don’t see a drunken Roz flittering across the screen with maracas, so we must just be at the Good Morning America shoot. I see Lauren, I see France, but where is Emily in her Gucci pants? Sorry, that was pretty silly; it’s making the cut though, strictly because it took me 15 minutes to come up with the last half of the rhyme. Damn underpants. Just as Lauren questioned the superintern’s whereabouts, in strolls the monster herself, looking more pompous than ever, I might add. Apparently, fashionable tardiness is the Teen Vogue way of doing things.
After a little initial instruction by Lawren Howell, we see Lieutenant Lisa Love make her grand entrance. This is quickly overshadowed though, because moments later, we see some homeless man stumble his way into the shoot! OMG, homeless people are so gross! Someone needs to tell this bum that the Union Rescue Mission is a few blocks down the street. Nobody escorts him out though, and it turns out that this bum is actually Andre Leon Talley. Could have fooled me, I was ready to send him a donation.
“Where’s the line start for the free meal?”
Andre immediately asserted himself, and ordered the gaggle of interns to focus on issues regarding footwear. Whitney was then asked by Mr. Talley if she was a model, but not even a millisecond later, Lisa Love hastily interrupted. While she may have modeled once before in an emergency, she was only a lowly intern, implying that he shouldn’t be concerning himself with the peasants. ALT wouldn’t be denied though, and Lauren did everything she could to stick up for her friend as well. For the first time ever, Lisa Love suddenly appeared flustered; it seems not noticing Whitney’s modeling ability earlier was quite the snafu in the eyes of the great ALT. Emily seemed fairly concerned herself, or at least that’s what the producers wanted us to believe after all the quick cuts to her frowning.
It was too late for bitterness and resentment now anyway, because Andre had already made up his mind that Whitney was going to walk in the show. The only question that remained: What gown should she wear? Sensing an opportunity to redeem herself, Lisa cut off Andre in order to suggest Faye Dunaway’s white dress. I thought for a second that her suggestion was going over well, but we were greeted by a stern “NO,” from ALT, and an order to fetch the “Sophia Loren.” This guy is AWESOME! Nobody’s ever put Lisa Love in her place like this before. Where was this guy on the first episode of the season? I’ve got a sneaking suspicion someone is going to pay for Lisa’s embarrassment though, and I have a funny feeling I know who it will be.
“The mere thought of Lauren Conrad makes me constipated.
Im pushing oh so hard right now and nothing.”
As we returned from commercial, we headed over to Brody’s condo, where it appeared Speidi had just finished up a nooner. Spencer seemed to think post-coital conversation would be the perfect opportunity to bug Heidi about moving in with him again. So he started questioning her commitment to the relationship, and whether or not Heidi took it seriously. Heidi retorted quickly, with “I AM serious – does that mean I have to move in with you?” This angered the brave little toaster to no end, and he responded back viciously with, “Living with Lauren is ruining our relationship. There’s a difference between a best friend, and a bestfriend/roommate.” Heidi was feeling feisty again, though, and countered, “Why don’t you just decide my living arrangements, and you can just tell me later.” I’m really starting to like the new and improved Heidi; this resolve stuff fits her like a glove. Spencer didn’t have much of a rebuttal for this, and resorted to his usual antics of threatening to leave if his suddenly strong-willed girlfriend didn’t comply with his wishes. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when people would start “going steady” after a few months, or giving a girlfriend your letterman’s jacket to signify commitment? Somewhere Eddy Winslow is shaking his head in disgust.
Heading back over to the Good Morning America shoot, we see Whitney getting ready in her Hilary Swank number. I’m already starting to get nervous for her, because we’ve known for a month now what’s coming next. The room’s abuzz though, and it’s time to go live… Break a leg, Whit!
The girls start making their way down the stairs — I can’t watch.
Today we have 4 beautiful models…
What is it Lassie? What is it girl?
make that…3 beautiful models
Sure enough, right when an unexpectedly well dressed ALT started to introduce the girl next to Whitney pretending to be Courtney Love, our precocious little friend suddenly disappeared from the screen into a heap on the floor. Down goes Whitney, down goes Whitney! She recovered quickly though, and to his credit, Andre didn’t miss a beat with his monologue either. The rest of the show went off without a hitch, but the damage had already been done. Andre immediately consoled Whitney by saying how it was a great way to begin her career. A great way my ass; that was akin to having a black cat run by the stage.
Lauren tried to comfort Whitney a little after as well, and she seemed to be doing pretty well, all things considered. Emily even threw in a couple of obligatory “Are you okay?”s and pretended to be concerned too. She seemed almost genuine, but you just know she was doing backflips inside. It’s a lot easier to be gracious in victory than it is in defeat. I will say this for her though, her brown-nosing attitude may suck, but she was unquestionably the standout in the fashion show. She looked amazing.
After the final break, we head back up to the Teen Vogue offices for the final verdict on Whitney’s performance. Presiding over the court today will be the occasionally honorable Lisa Love.
Is it just me?
Judge Love must have been spoken to from above, because she seemed reasonably calm about her prize intern falling down the stairs during the fashion shoot. “It was a very endearing moment,” she said serenely. Lisa wasn’t the only one who thought Whitney’s performance was charming. Amy Astley wrote a letter saying how great she did, and even compared her fall to one taken by Naomi Campbell. Better her than Kate Moss, that’s for sure. On top of that, Anna Wintour even called to say how wonderful Whitney’s performance was. All right, this is getting a little out of hand. I’m on Team Whitney just as much as the next guy, but why was her performance so wonderful? Because she fell? Endearing it may have been, but anything beyond that is a horse of a different color. She had one task, and that was to walk smoothly down the stairs. She failed. If I went in to work one day and was given a single chore, and I messed it up, even purely by accident, I highly doubt I would be getting rave reviews. Let’s call this what it was: a charming disaster.
Whitney then told Lisa that all she had been concerned about was not disappointing her. Much to Whit’s delight, Corporal Love was far from disappointed. I only wonder what she would have said had Andre not been secretly electroshocking her? As it stands though, Whitney is on the fast track to getting that dream job. It should be interesting to see what happens this summer if Whitney gets hired full-time. That should put Lauren in line for a Paris do-over, right? That is, if she can step over Lisa Love’s dead body, of course.
The fall heard around the world has now reached levels of petty sidekickdom, because it’s now Audrina’s turn to hear the unfortunate events rehashed by Whitney and Lauren. Audrina also was impressed by Whitney’s resilience, saying “But you know what, you got up and kept doing it; you didn’t run off the stage and start crying.” Was she implying that would have been her reaction? I’m leaning toward yes. Luckily for everyone at Teen Vogue, Audrina wasn’t the one falling down, or else they may have had a true catastrophe on their hands. Lauren’s sentiments were similar, saying that when she saw Whitney fall, she envisioned a domino effect, with Whitney taking down the three other models in the process. That would have been PRICELESS. I think if Whitney bowled a strike, we would have a comment avalanche of record-breaking proportions on our hands.
Whitney then decided to go over the specifics of her new job for the 20th time in a 30 minute show, but added one detail that she failed to mention to Lauren. “I would be, like, head of all the interns.” Uh-oh, looks like there’s a new HBIC in town. Lauren didn’t look happy about this at first, but she soon warmed up to the idea when she realized who the alternative would be. I’ll give you a hint: She has a bumper sticker on her car that says “My other ride is a broom.” Sensing an opportunity to playfully rag on her master, Audrina then accidentally baited Lauren into saying something she probably regrets now. Drina joked that Lauren would love working for Emily, which caused LC to blurt out, “I would quit, I actually would quit.” Oops. Looks like somebody forgot the cameras were rolling. That comment won’t cause any awkward moments the next time they run into each other. Naaah. They’re professionals.
Switching gears, it was time for the moment I had been waiting for all week: The extermination of Speidi. Please God, let this have happened a week ago so there’s a chance this was final.
Bolthouse appears to be the site for the breakup, as we see Heidi diligently working at her desk reading a magazine. So much for the newfound work ethic…
Oh how cute, Heidi is pretending to know how to read!
I guess Heidi isn’t too busy for Spencer after all, because she quickly agreed to ditch out on work to meet him in the alley. Did Spencer hit puberty after his last trip to Don Antonio’s? He’s looking awfully scruffy; maybe this was his failed attempt to grow a war beard for the fight. Not wasting a moment, Douchebag decided he needed to hear one more time why Heidi was hesitant to move in with him. Getting asked the same questions over and over again seemed to be wearing on Heidi, because she was starting to get snippy. The little ‘tude does nothing but get Spencer mad as well, and soon we’re locked into a full-fledged yelling match at a volume level of about eight.
Spencer continues resorting to his usual argument that Heidi doesn’t want to take their relationship to the next level, causing our normally passive friend to respond, “Why now? Why are you pressuring me so much now? It’s like, what is the big moment? It’s like, come on, RELAX!” TouchÃ©. I swear Spencer is trying to get Heidi to move in with him strictly to spite Lauren. The college dropout also brought up a good point, what is the big rush anyway? It’s not like they have a bun in the toaster or anything. None of this seems to add up, and neither do Spencer’s responses, but he continued to press Heidi anyway. You know what? Spencer must be starting to PMS. It’s the only thing that makes any sense. Somebody get this he-bitch a Midol and a wine cooler A.S.A.P.
Clip from the pregnacny scare several weeks back. . .
Clip from this episode.
Heidi sooooo needs to get her color retouched. It’s fully faded!
Heidi kept driving home her point that she can’t understand why Spencer can’t wait a couple of months, which he has absolutely no rational explanation for. If there was ever any doubt that Spencer couldn’t care less about Heidi’s feelings, it’s right here for all to see. If he really loved this girl, he would understand that she had some things to work out, and that in a couple of months, it’ll probably be a different story. He doesn’t see that though, and he keeps trying to force his will upon her.
Spencer finally gets to use his Beemers built in passenger shock button.
Dude, the whole shock the girlfriend thing. . . not cool!
Heidi is like a brick wall today though; she just isn’t putting up with Spencer’s BS for some reason. “You want me to move in, but what about the repercussions for the rest of my life?” One would think Heidi would realize by now that Spencer doesn’t care about ramifications that affect other people. Remember, he considers everything involving Heidi’s non-Spencer life to be “baggage.”
You can tell the fight is starting to wind down, because Spencer has started to ask himself rhetorical questions. Heidi’s had enough now, and she decides it’s time to break the final verdict to Spencer.
H – “Alright, well my answer is no.” YES
S – “Sweet. My answer is get out of my car.” YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES
And just like that, Heidi is curbside. She slams his BMW door shut, which apparently infuriates The Spencer enough to take a shot at running Heidi over! Well, maybe he was just trying to be a tough guy, but as usual, it was a very immature move, by a very immature person.
“I hope you die of exhaust inhalation you dumb bitch!”
If this were a movie, when Spencer got to the end of the alley, he would have been blindsided by a Mack Truck. Unfortunately, this is The Hills, and Spencer got to continue on his merry way. I’m so proud of Heidi, she’s doing so… Shit, the preview for next week just showed her and Lauren having a Jerry McGuire moment with LC watching her friend in a moving truck’s side mirror. I take back everything I said about Heidi; she deserves everything she gets from Spencer. I’m running the gamut of emotions right now; I think I need some water.
What did you guys think of this episode? It definitely wasn’t on the same level as the Lauren/Heidi fight, but I thought it was pretty entertaining nevertheless. What’s going on with Heidi? Should Lauren even stay friends with this girl? So many questions, I’ll see you guys on the board.
And now a series of unflattering stills from this episode I couldn’t find room to use in the recap, but are totally worth including.