Mondays won’t be the same for some time.
Tonight, we wrap up yet another glorious season of drama, underage drinking and deception we know affectionately as “The Hills.”
I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself until H3 or LB4 debuts. If it wasn’t for the confirmation a couple of weeks ago that Lauren signed on for another year, and the fact “Laguna” finally started taping again, I think I would be sitting in my car right now with a hose poking through the window.
Don’t get too excited people. Fortunately for my family; we don’t have to worry about any exhaust-related suicides, for it’ll only be mere months until Liz Gateley and company bless us with another magnificent season of “Laguna” goodness. Before that though, we do have one final, splendid episode left to explore.
What did spence do in the final moments the show to cause this tenseness??
Find out at the end of the cap. . .
To start the final hurrah, Lauren took us on our usual trip in the Way Back Machine. Only this time, she has taken us WAY back, all the way back to Jason, and “risking” her standing at “Teen Vogue” by skipping out on Paris. I don’t think “risking” was the correct word there, “annihilating” or “obliterating” seem a little more appropriate. Back to real time though, because after last week, we thought Heidi and Spencer were like, totally dunzo. However, Lauren knew better, “For a minute, we all thought they were done, but knowing Heidi, something tells me it’s not over yet.” Well, I don’t think it takes knowing Heidi very well to come to that conclusion, but what do I know. Maybe Lauren saw this week’s preview too…
Heading over to the Hillside Villas, we found Lauren in her typical corner of the couch perch, waiting for someone to arrive for her to chew out. Sure enough, Heidi came bounding down the stairs with some breaking news. Lauren seemed genuinely surprised by Heidi’s appearance, but at the same time, she didn’t seem overly interested in what her roomie had to say. Lauren did perk up a little when Heidi announced she and Spencer had a little tiff the day before, but slight interest soon turned to anger, as Heidi tried to explain her boyfriend’s rationale as to why she should move in. “People don’t just move in together that soon,” Lauren prodded. “Do you really want to change everything you believe in just because some guy is pressuring you?” Is there a draft in here? I think I need a sweater.
Heidi then told Lauren that she did indeed want to move in with Spencer, but basically, she was just sticking around until Lauren gave her a reason to leave, so she didn’t feel that guilty about it. LC was in a giving mood this morning, and obliged quickly, “Don’t let me be your excuse, because I don’t even live with you, I just live with your stuff.” Ouch. Man, I never thought I would say this, but I miss the days of the comedic stylings of Lauren Conrad in the opening scene. She’s starting to go all Michael Richards on us.
Thankfully, the tension was suddenly broken by the peaceful melody of Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten.” Aww, how sad, possibly the last credits with Ho-di as a centerpiece. I wonder what the producers will do next season? Maybe they’ll dub in Audrina bursting into the old apartment with Lauren? It wouldn’t be the first time they tried to pull the wool over our eyes.
After the opening, we immediately headed cross-country to good ol’ NYC. I have mixed feelings about this expedition, only because the last time the “Laguna”/”Hills” franchise made the voyage to New York for an extended period, we had to endure the most lackluster spring break vacation footage of all time. Luckily for us, Christina and Morgan were nowhere to be found, so our windows and mirrors are safe for the time being.
Up in the New York “Vogue” offices, we see Whitney waiting to be led in for her interview, and guess who comes to get her? Yup, you guessed it, the queen of mean herself – EMILY! I thought this was a little odd, considering they are competing for the same job, but that would be too logical I guess. “Hey Emily, be a peach and go fetch your competition for her interview.” Maybe Amy Astley was under the impression that the closet girls and the superintern actually liked each other. Judging by Lauren’s comments last week, I don’t think they’ll be getting birthday cards from Emily any time soon.
OMG! I TOTALLY HATE YOU!
Emily was up to her usual tricks, masking her cold, heartless demeanor with petty compliments and small talk. She even asked Whitney if she was nervous about her interview. I half-expected her to cut Whitney off and say something along the lines of, “Well, you should be nervous, Amy Astley hates people from the West Coast. Don’t choke like you did at GMA.”
Hey Whit, don’t trip on that phone chord. Oh, I kid.
As Whitney was being led into Amy Astley’s office, we were quickly whisked back to L.A. for pressing business at Bolthouse. The girls are really earning their paychecks today, as we were greeted by the sight of Heidi, Elodie and Kristen sitting around gossiping and reading magazines. I think Brent Bolthouse needs to re-evaluate his hiring strategies. The topic of conversation was – what else – Spencer and Heidi’s relationship. Speaking of re-evaluating things, Heidi might want to take a look at who she’s accepting relationship advice from…
Heidi takes into consideration taking advice from a Golden Girl
Elodie, all caught up on the gossip, was simply shocked that Heidi was still considering moving in with Spencer after all the crap he’s done. I missed her next few lines though, mainly because I was fixated on the black streak going down the center of her scalp. Now I know what you guys were talking about with her roots, it’s almost as if she was going for some sort of reverse skunk look. I’m no fashion expert, but I’m going to venture that the “reverse faux skunk” is NOT “Teen Vogue”-approved. Elodie needs to stop worrying so much about Heidi’s relationships, and start worrying about her personal appearance a little.
Heidi didn’t totally disagree with Elodie’s assessment of her possible living situations, and stated, “Most of me wants to move in with him, but a big part of me is like ‘What’s the rush?’ ” Whatever. Sensing Elodie and Kristen had swayed from Team Heidi a bit on this one, she decided to ask them when the first time they moved in with a guy was. This should be fun. First, Elodie revealed that she’s never even lived with a guy. Gee, that’s a shock. I figured Elodie would have guys lining up to move in with her, especially after that vapid personal ad she filled out on her MySpace account.
Kristen then revealed that she’s lived with almost every guy she’s ever been with…. Since she was 9. Another shocker, and I think everyone of them has taken 5 years off of her life. She’s the oldest looking 30-year-old I have ever seen. Hell, her current live-in has tried to take off ten years, five for each eye.
Heidi wouldn’t be deterred though, stating, “It’s one of those decisions that you’ll never know if you’re right or wrong. How will you ever know if it’s the right decision or not unless you do it?” What happened to all her talk earlier in the episode about being rational? That might have been the least rational train of thought I’ve ever heard. Hopefully Heidi never ponders killing someone. I mean, she’ll never know if it’s the right decision or not until after the fact, right? Someone needs to let Heidi know that weighing consequences is the new brown this season.
Back to New York, where we got to catch a glimpse of Whitney’s job interview with Amy Astley. Amy asked Whitney to let her know who her favorite photographers and designers were so she could get a feel for Whitney’s fashion sense. Whitney replied quickly with the names Mario Testino and Bruce Weber. These responses appeared to please Astley, because apparently Mario Testino is “always flattering.” Totally, I couldn’t agree more. As far as designers go, Whitney had a few favs as well, “I love Balenciaga, I love YSL, I mean those are obviously clothes that I can’t afford, but just looking at them, and just being in the presence of them, is just amazing.” I feel the same way about Juicy Couture tracksuits. I get disoriented every time I wander near that blueberry ball in the corner of my room.
Just like that, the interview ended, and Whitney was on her way back to L.A. Call me pessimistic, but I wasn’t particularly encouraged by the way the interview wrapped up. Judging from past interviews I’ve had, my potential bosses have never given me the “lots of competition” line when they planned on offering me the job. The times I have gotten that line however, I usually didn’t get a callback. Time will tell I guess. Also, what the hell was Whitney wearing? Besides the fact she was wearing some sort of flower-like lei around her neck, was she really wearing a tank top in the middle of winter in New York? Hopefully having common sense isn’t one of the criteria for becoming a fashion advisor…
Changing gears, we arrived at Bolthouse again, where we saw Heidi engage in the most contrived phone call in the history of Liz Gateley reality programming, and that’s saying something. I’m not sure that the voice on the other end was even Spencer, the person sounded like a villain in a horror movie. Nevertheless, whoever was on the other line convinced Heidi to head over to an unknown address for a “surprise.” I hope Heidi realized what Spencer was implying by “surprise,” but I’m not so sure she did. Heidi then blew by Elodie quickly, telling her that she was taking “a break.” Isn’t that what they were just doing on the couch? Elodie didn’t seem to care though, and quickly resumed her menial tasks of occasionally clicking the mouse and continuously rolling her eyes.
Oh, Rose, mind your own beezyweezy
We then saw Spencer chilling on the steps of the mystery address awaiting the arrival of his simple-minded girlfriend. Heidi had no idea what was going on, because she greeted Spencer by asking him what the surprise was. Wow. I almost feel bad for making fun of Heidi now, because she obviously has some sort of learning impairment. Instead of cruising over to the apartment in her Audi, she should have been dropped off by the short bus.
Hey, Im a douche with a house!
Spencer was a little perturbed when they entered the house, mainly because Heidi didn’t seem too enthused about the new living arrangements. Maybe it had something to do with the fact the last time they spoke, Heidi told Spencer she didn’t want to live with him. Nahhhhh. Spencer apparently has a listening problem, because he continued to give Heidi the grand tour using the phrases “your bedroom” and “our apartment.” Surprisingly, Heidi didn’t seem too concerned about our dickheaded friend ignoring her denial, and continued onto the balcony to check out the view. And what a view it was – “We got Les Deux right there, Blowfish over there, we got Don Antonio’s WAY down there.” It’s official, “The Hills” is turning into”The Truman Show.” Pretty soon, Heidi is going to pull up in her car, and tell Spencer, “I love my new Audi, it’s terrific on gas, and is a tremendous value at $37,000. I would recommend that anyone interested in one like it, to head down to Herb Chambers Audi in Lower Hollywood, and check out their tremendous inventory.”
Had this ridiculous ploy by Spencer to undermine Heidi’s wishes worked? You betcha, Heidi was ready to pack her bags immediately. Spencer tried to ease her fears about his playboy attitude a little by swearing off random bimbos at clubs. Very reassuring; I think OJ was more convincing.
After the commercial, we headed over to the Hillside Villas so Heidi could break up with Lauren. This should go smoothly. Heidi began by explaining her douchebag boyfriend’s surprise, telling Lauren “If I wanna live with him, then I should, just like you said.” Heidi may have zero intuition, but she’s definitely a pro when it comes to cop-outs. She went on to let Lauren know that the move is going to be sooner than later as well. This caused Lauren to reply, “Well you need to let me know when, because I need to start looking for a new roommate, and I need to let Audrina know when to move in.” Oops, sorry about the Freudian slip. Anyway, this caused Heidi to respond sarcastically, “Well that’s exciting, a new roommate that will be here all the time. Oh my gosh.” Not to be outdone, Lauren let Heidi know how perfect everything seemed, and sardonically declared, “What could go wrong?” This has started to get a little bit awkward; the girls are now openly patronizing each other. Even the way Lauren threw her ice in the sink was uncomfortable. That draft I was feeling during the opening scene has turned into a full-fledged arctic chill at this point. I’ve had breakups with long-term girlfriends that were less cold than this.
You what now?
No, Im totally happy for you.
Yep, Uber freakin’ thrilled.
Of course, I can smile for you. Ow Ow Ow
Here we go. There, see? Soo…..happy…..friend.
Up in Brody’s condo, Spencer and Brody were busy breaking up as well. This one was a little more amicable though, mainly because the two of them are much better at conducting themselves in contrived situations. Hell must have frozen over, because Brody started to dole out sage advice, “Why even move in, why not just keep it the way it is, live here, and just keep seeing her like you are?” Spencer’s response came as no surprise, “Because I don’t want her living with Lauren.” At least he finally admitted it. And to think, he had us all believing he really loved Heidi all this time…
The big question remained though: Was Spence going to be available still for boys’ night out on a whim? Of course he was: “Just call the homeboy phone,” he said. If there were any doubts that Spencer has, and will cheat on Heidi again, he erased them all right there. Only cheaters have two separate lines. One for the girlfriend, and one for the other girlfriends (and boyfriend). Spencer continued on his quest to become more hated than bin Laden, and had this conversation with Brody. I swear, this didn’t come from my wild imagination.
Spencer: “I was born a player, dog, that’s what I do. I’m not gonna change, Spencer’s Spencer.”
Brody: “Playboy Spence.”
Spencer: (Pointing at himself) “Still the man.”
Brody: “You are going to be out of there so fast.”
Spencer: (Banging hand on counter) “HAHAHAHAHA!”
L-Con: (Raising a pistol) I hope you both rot in hell!”
Well, maybe that last part came from my crazy imagination. I did agree with Brody again though, because I just don’t see Spencer lasting in this living situation, especially since he’ll be so far away (walking distance) from his mancrush.
Brodacious: “Can I lick your neck one last time? You know, for old time’s sake?”
Spencstasm – “Bring your tongue awaggin’ on the lick me train! Choo Choo!!
Back at Hillside, Lauren walked in the door, only to find Heidi already packing up her stuff. Maybe Heidi should have told her that she was taught “soon” and “immediately” meant the same thing at the “special school.” Heidi apparently started to feel guilty about the whole thing, and told Lauren, “I definitely think that, since I’m like moving out, I should make more of Taco Tuesday, and like really come every Tuesday.” It seems that Lauren and Heidi day is also known as “Taco Tuesday” in some circles. Interesting. Lauren wasn’t buying Heidi’s good intentions, and replied, “Well what’s the difference with you moving out? You don’t do it now, and you live with me.” Lauren has been like a scorned lover in the finale. I kept waiting for LC to begin yelling at her former roomate about how she’s the best Heidi will ever have.
Heading outside, it was time to say goodbye. I don’t know if it was the music or what, but it started getting a little dusty in castle de L-Con. As well done as the scene was, I definitely could have done without the now-infamous “Heidi-in-the-side-mirror-shot.” Between Lauren and Heidi, and Spencer and Brody, the homoerotic undertones in this episode have been STAGGERING. The only thing missing from this scene was rain, the van’s brake lights going on, and Heidi running into Lauren’s outstretched arms while the version of “Secret Garden” with the Jerry Maguire lines played softly in the background. You had me at hello.
After the break, we headed back to Bolthouse yet again, so Heidi could keep our newly brunetted beaver Elodie up to speed on the latest gossip. She seemed shocked that Heidi didn’t take her unproven advice. Maybe it was because Elodie appears to only speak out of the right side of her mouth. Did Elodie have an episode of Bell’s palsy and I didn’t get the Myspace bulletin?? Heidi went on to tell the facial paralysis victim that she planned on cooking for Spencer that evening. She then told Elodie that she would be calling if she needed help, or started a fire. That might not be such a great idea, considering Elodie couldn’t remember the words “pots” and “pans.”
The next thing we saw was Lauren coming home again with what appeared to be a pizza and a bottle of champagne. OK, this was officially starting to get a little weird. As Lauren was reaching for a couple of wine glasses, I couldn’t help but notice a picture in a white frame of two women (most likely Lauren and Heidi) giving each other what appeared to be “bedroom eyes.” Are the producers trying to tell us something? If this gets any more out of hand, they are going to start listing Lauren as “LC/Lesbian Curious” at the bottom of the screen.
Wait a second, there are boxes everywhere; I thought Heidi moved out earlier? Who could the second wine glass be for then? A new boyfriend? No, of course not silly, it’s for her new roomy/lover Audrina! Lauren then eagerly showed her new ladyfriend the scrumptious spread she had brought home for her, saying “It’s to celebrate our first night together.” Yeah, she really said that. I don’t even need to make jokes anymore at this point. I think I could just print out the transcript and it would be sufficient.
Wow. Lauren just barely avoided spraying Audrina down with the champagne. I think my head’s about to explode. I don’t even want to joke about this anymore, but I can’t help it. I’m swimming in an endless sea of homosexual connotations, and I simply cannot see the shore. Damn you, MTV.
Thunder Thunder thunder-cats HOOOOOOOOOO’s
Over at Heidi and Spencer’s place, we spied on the two of them enjoying some heterosexual wrestling on the floor of their new digs. Finally, some Biblically approved straight fun. Anyway, Speidi’s hardwood rendezvous might have almost been endearing if it weren’t for the fact that Spencer is such a huge douchebag.
Sadly, all Spence did was manipulated her to move in with him.
Oh, the look of young love in 2007. If they dont have a chance, then how could any of us?
Flashback quickly to Lauren’s condo of apparent lesbian innuendo, because Audrina needed confirmation that she was the only apple of Lauren’s eye. “What if she breaks up with Spencer, and comes back and expects everything to be the same?” Audrina better hope that scenario doesn’t come to fruition, because apparently Lauren thinks everything would go back to normal. “You know what? It kind of would be,” she said. Watch out, ‘Drina. After a couple of more flashes back and forth between the two abodes, we finally ended with Heidi telling Spencer how she had promised herself she wouldn’t move in with a guy unless she had been with him for two years, so he better not make her regret it. I don’t think she has to worry about that, this is Spencer we’re talking about here. She’ll be back in the Villas in no time.
And with that, the season was over. *Tear.* I would talk about the aftershow briefly if it hadn’t been such a poorly disguised attempt to salvage the Monday lineup next week. There were a couple of interesting comments though, and I’ll probably get to them on the message board. What did you guys think of this episode, and the season as a whole? I thought it was better than last. Also, were the homoerotic insinuations becoming unbearable to anyone else?
For all the strictly “Laguna”/”Hills” readers, I’ll see you in a few months. Oh, by the way, the twist was that MTV dropped the entire cast, and we’re going to be starting fresh with a completely new group for LB4. I don’t know whether to be hoppy or sad about this. Only time will tell. See you guys on the boards.