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Like OMG! LC totally like moved to West Hollywood and was like “Hey Heidi!” and Heidi was like “Meet my new bestie Audrina!” and then LC was like “I want to be an intern for Teen Vogue” and Teen Vogue was all “Just don’t sit down at the party!” and LC was like “For real?” and Heidi was all, “Nuh-uh” and LC was like “Guys! You’ll get me in trouble!” Whatevs!
Yes, The Hills has officially arrived. Serving as the first spin-off of Laguna Beach, the show premiered on MTV tonight, and while there’s none of that high school je ne sais quoi, I still found myself regrettably enthralled by the silly antics of Lauren Conrad and her fledgling career. Plus, who can deny the gleeful idiocy of LC’s new sidekick, Heidi? The girl makes Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson seem like future candidates for the Nobel Prize. Ah yes. It shall be a delightful summer.The big show opened up with LC packing up her bags and heading out of The ‘Guna. My Tivo unfortunately cut off all but the last few seconds of this, but I imagine I didn’t miss much beyond some lame narration about moving to Los Angeles. As she drove off in her car, I could almost hear the Natasha Beddingfield playing in my ears. Oh wait, I really was hearing it. Yes, the credits soon rolled and were set to that life-empowering ditty, “Unwritten.” You know, the song that encourages us to feel the rain on our skin. I never knew that sensory awareness of precipitation was such an integral key to self-empowerment, but hey, what do I know?
Anyway, the credits offered up some tasty clues as to who this season’s main players would be. There was Lauren, of course. No longer “LC,” but we’ll still call her that. We then saw… Audrina, or as I like to call her, “Girl with the dumb name.” And there was Morgan S.! I didn’t know she was on this show! Oh wait, it was just a girl named Whitney. Rounding out the cast was the aforementioned Heidi, and that was it. Just four girls! No boys or other random people. I find this very suspect. Maybe the producers are trying to emulate a Sex in the City core. Except dumber.
Well, this premiere episode had the very Laguna-esque title, “New City, New Drama.” What great adventures would await? Might LC chip a nail? Would Heidi become baffled by a parking meter? Or would the girls find themselves at a Fro-Yo shop without their punch card??? The possibilities were endless!
Anyway, we saw various footage of LC’s new neighborhood, and yes, I was quite happy to note that apparently this show was filmed five blocks away from my apartment. How the hell did I miss this?? I was so busy eating crickets and playing Dance Dance Revolution that I completely overlooked the Laguna alums in my ‘hood. Note to self: stalk LC later tonight.
Nevertheless, we found LC sauntering into her new abode at the Hillside Villas, and guess who was tanning by the pool? The one and only Heidi. Some people may not remember Heidi, but she showed up from time to time on Laguna, usually to offer sidekick-y advice to LC and ask banal, plot-advancing questions like “So, what’s up with you and Steven? Are you going to have dinner together?”
Anyway, Heidi was more than thrilled to see LC (a.k.a. her ticket to fame). “I was so lonely!” Heidi squealed. Translation: “I can’t wait to be your high profile sidekick! What shall we do first, Master?”
Apparently Heidi had been at the apartment for some time but hadn’t actually moved in. She wanted to do it with LC — sort of like a bonding thing. Read all about it and other bonding techniques in the book, “Bonding for IDIOTS.” Nevertheless, the girls walked into their apartment, and I instantly hated them. They had a freakin’ duplex. Okay, I’m not going to whine. It’s great that their parents have worked hard so that they can provide for their kids, but seriously, a duplex? Excuse me while I writhe with jealousy in the corner for a moment.
Before LC could even absorb the magnitude of her new digs, her cell phone rang, and yes, that ringtone was Journey’s “Anyway You Want It.” Delightful. LC answered the call, and while we couldn’t hear the conversation on the other end, we could tell by LC’s dilating pupils that something major was happening. Turns out that, like OMG, Teen Vogue had an event that night and the interview LC was going to have that afternoon was now in like twenty minutes!! OMG!!! This wasn’t set up at all!!
Oh, I forgot to mention that LC was interviewing for a Teen Vogue internship. Hmmm… Wonder if she’ll get it?
Well, with the pressure on to get to the Teen Vogue offices, what else was there to do but cue the Rihanna and watch LC hustle into a tall office building on Wilshire Avenue. Oh the hectic life of a young ingenue in the city!
We then met LC’s future boss, the editor of Teen Vogue, Lisa Love. Yes, that was her name. She wasn’t as scary and disturbing looking as 8th and Ocean’s Irene Marie, but she still managed to be a bit off-putting. Whereas Irene was like a collagen version of Janice from The Muppet Show, Lisa Love had more of a wrinkly, WASPy appearance. Kind of like a long lost Shriver.
Anyway, Lisa pressed LC with tough questions. “Why Teen Vogue?” she asked. I kind of expected LC to just say, “Uh, I have an MTV camera crew. That’s why.” But instead, LC went the earnest route and said, “I’ve read Vogue for years, and I love Teen Vogue because that’s where I get ideas for everything I do. And I like that it does have all the fashion, and like in every one they have like an issue that affects teens.” Ah, well-stated, LC. It’s that sort of precise articulation that will make you the belle of the literary world.
Lisa then asked, “Can you write?” To which LC, of course, said yes. Then in a neat ironic twist, Lisa followed up by asking, “Good?” Nice grammar, EDITOR. You’re supposed to ask if people write well, not good. I’m onto you, Lisa Love.
Anyway, LC replied, “I enjoy writing.” Unfortunately for LC, I’m not sure if she realized that “writing” did not include emails, texting, and IMs.
After this rigorous interrogation, LC returned to the apartment complex where she found Heidi tanning yet again, but this time, there was a giant slab of beef jerky wearing a bikini next to her. Oh wait. That was actually another girl. “This is my first new friend in LA!” Heidi proudly announced, introducing LC to this tantastic mystery girl. Turns out this was the one and only Audrina, and from what we could tell, she was just as vapid as her name would suggest. “What intern did you apply for?” she asked LC. InternSHIP. InternSHIP. Sigh.
Anyway, for whatever reason, Heidi loved Audrina and said, “You’re adopted!” Countdown to catfights and general bitching: three weeks.
Later, LC and Heidi and Audrina and various guys (boyfriends, roommates of boyfriends, etc.) all met up at the always wonderful restaurant Geisha House (the very same establishment where Mischa Barton was Punk’d. Oh how she’ll rue the day that she ever went there!). There, the gang talked about how craaaazy it was to have a full time job and blah blah blah, we went to commercial wondering whether or not LC would get the internship. What ever might happen?
After the break, we found LC and Heidi visiting FIDM, or as the non-acronym-ites call it, the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. Apparently the girls were enrolling for classes there, or something like that. As they waited in some sort of lobby, Heidi mused, “I can’t wait to start going out more.” Yeah, she needs an outlet from her stressful day of tanning and adopting fellow dolts to join her coven of idiocy.
Anyway, an incredibly tall woman named Susan Aronson soon greeted both girls and said she would interview each of them at a time. I don’t know how to describe Susan. I guess if Kathy Baker and Karen Hayes from 24 had a love child, it would be Susan Aronson. Well, first up for the interviews was LC, and of course, Susan fawned over her. Let’s not forget that LC had two seasons of MTV stardom under her belt at this point.
“We are very proud of you,” Susan said. I don’t really know why she was proud, but she just was. She did mention something about a grade point average, but whatever. She was just kissing ass, as evidenced by her telling LC that she was so lucky to be in contention for an internship at Teen Vogue. When it came to Heidi, however, it was a different story. Susan asked her how she was as a student in high school, and Heidi gave possibly one of the worst responses short of saying, “I murdered everyone I knew.”
“I never learned anything. I never went to school. I never did anything. I just went shopping and just hung out,” Heidi said. She then added, “Did I mention that I’m a total and complete MORON?”
Keep in mind that this was an admissions interview.
“Have you looked at the curriculum?” Susan then asked.
“No,” Heidi answered proudly, as if that would earn her some medal. When asked about her goals, Heidi then said, “I want to do PR… I want to be the fun party PR girl in LA type of thing… kind of like the party scene.” I can only imagine the sort of shame her parents feel. Actually, what’s sad is that they probably don’t feel shame. They’re just happy their daughter is on TV. I’m embarrassed for humanity right now.
Well, Susan explained in a slow, deliberate way (kind of how you talk to first graders) that it usually takes someone being in the industry a long time before they can organize parties at a professional level.
“Really? It’s not like right away?” Heidi asked. Yes, Heidi. Sometimes you actually have to work towards things. Like, you know, any basic career. Susan asked Heidi if she’d be willing to work retail, but NO. Fräulein Heidi works for NO ONE! Retail was out of the question!
Afterwards, we found the girls chilling at their apartment, no doubt plotting Heidi’s next big career move (which was most likely a difficult choice between tanning poolside or eating a carrot stick). Suddenly LC’s phone rang, and uh oh! It was Chantal! I didn’t know who Chantal was, but I could tell it was important. Apparently, Chantal was calling from Teen Vogue, and guess what? She was getting BLAINE on the line! BLAINE! Wait, who was Blaine?
Turns out Blaine was another Teen Vogue person, and he was calling to give LC “feedback” on her interview with Lisa Love. “There are not a lot of interns that we find that are ready at the age of nineteen,” he said, adding, “But you have a TV show and will give us tons of free publicity; so, you’re hired!” Okay, he didn’t say that. However, he did babble on about how their interns had to be great writers and have lots of experience, and while LC probably didn’t fit the bill at all, Lisa saw lots of potential (cough, publicity, cough) and you’re hired. “We think it might be a good match,” Blaine said, a look of disgust on his face. You could just tell he was thinking, “I worked my way up for ten years and this damn girls just waltzes in…”
Well, LC accepted the job right there on the spot, and no one was happier than Heidi. This raised her sidekick prominence to a whole new level! We then followed LC to the Teen Vogue offices where we met another intern, the aforementioned Whitney. Might she be a rival for LC? Or perhaps a competing sidekick for Heidi? Either way, the two girls took seats in their cramped, cluttered office (which may or may not have been located in Anna Wintour’s walk-in closet). Whitney began yammering away right off the bat, and LC did her patented Distant Smile of Complexity. Disaster soon struck, however, when one of LC’s errant fingers pressed the on-button of a nearby Mac, causing the machine to chime to life. OH NO! The girls panicked for about two seconds, but soon they had bigger fish to fry: namely, an androgynous woman named Olivia, who was apparently the magazine’s resident stylist. Within seconds, Olivia was assessing the girls’ fashion, making adjustments and saying dumb things like “I feel like it’s a bit too matchy-matchy.”
Once the girls were deemed Vogue-ready, they were then brought into Lisa Love’s office where they learned all the ground rules. Basically, they were to act professionally no matter where they were — in or out of the office. They represented the company, and if they were to get into any trouble, their ass would be grass. Well, not LC. She had a camera crew. But Whitney. You watch your back!
Later, the girls were given their first big job: send out 500 invitations for a party. Gosh, haven’t the people at Vogue heard of Evite? Nevertheless, the girls began the arduous process of assembling these invites, pausing to occasionally gawk at the celebrities on the list. Josh Duhamel! Gavin DeGraw! I’m sure LC will be thrilled when she sees Stephen Colletti and Kristin Cavallari on the list too. “Hey, wait a second. I went to high school with those guys…”
The next day, we found Heidi and LC lounging by the pool again, and here’s a shocker: Heidi wanted LC to get her into that Teen Vogue party. The same one that Josh Duhamel and Gavin DeGraw would be at. Not so fast, Heidster. In case you weren’t paying attention, this was your friend’s first week at the job. “I’m not going to like mess up my internship and do something shady just like to go to a party,” LC told her.
“Yeah…” Heidi replied, all broken-hearted. Ah, nothing as sad as a sidekick’s dreams of grandeur going up in smoke.
Back at the office later, we found LC and Whitney giggling about something until suddenly, there were a series of “SHHHHH!” noises. Yes, LISA LOVE HAD ENTERED THE ROOM. I love how intimidating she’s supposed to be. I really can’t take her seriously though with that name. I mean, “Lisa Love”? Doesn’t she know that any fashion editor can’t have alliteration in her name? She needs to change it to something French-sounding. Whatever she chooses, she has to make sure she no longer sounds like a) a country star; b) a porn star; or c) Lisa Loeb. I throw it out to the readers to suggest their favorite alternate last names for Lisa Love. I’ll get the ball rolling with “Bontemps.”
Anyway, Lisa alerted LC and wh-wh-wh-Whitney that they would be working the party tonight (like OMG!) BUT this was not a time to have fun and hang out. They’d be doing their jobs, and if any of them even THOUGHT about sitting down, they’d be outta there. That’s right. NO SITTING. Sounds simple enough…
Cut to the party at the Roosevelt Hotel, and all the glitteratti were there! Nicole Ritchie! Some guy! Paris Hilton! Wow! How exciting! Turns out that Whitney would be working the door/red carpet while LC would be guarding the VIP area. “No one can sit here,” Blaine told LC, pointing at a nearby seating area. That’s right, GUARD THESE OTTOMANS WITH YOUR LIFE!!
Almost on cue, rebellious sidekick Heidi suddenly called up, and hey, by the way, she was downstairs! “What are you doing here, Heidi?” LC asked. DUH! She was there to potentially jeopardize your high profile job so that she could partaaay!!!
“Just sneak us in,” Heidi insisted. How about you just get shot in the head? Go away, shrew!
I was really hoping that LC would be firm with her friend and tell her to head elsewhere, but alas, LC finally told her sidekick to speak to Whitney at the front door. A few phone calls later, and Whitney surreptitiously let Heidi and her gaggle of friends (including Audrina) into the party. You can’t tell me that the Vogue execs didn’t expect this.
Well, what was the first thing that Heidi did? No, not quietly blend to keep her friend out of trouble. Instead, she ran across the party and squealed a loud hello to LC (which was of course topped off with a grandiose hug). Oh, I’m sure Lisa Love will enjoy that. To make matters worse, the HeidiGaggle then happily sat down in LC’s VIP area. WHAT?!?! Get them out of there! I don’t know why I was so concerned for LC, but I just was. But wait: it got worse. Then LC sat down with her friends. What was the one thing that Lisa Love emphasized? NO SITTING AND HANGING OUT! This was going to be pure disaster.
Suddenly, there was some random Heidi drama with one of the guys (I really didn’t know what it was, nor did I care enough to go back and find out). All I knew was that Heidi was now drunk and screaming. From across the party, we could tell that Blaine was not happy. He soon came over and asked what all the drama was about.
“Oh, it was just, they were fighting, but you can see it’s all better. They were just fighting over something. But now they’re fine,” LC said, pointing to Heidi who was not only crying, but crying in the prohibited VIP area. Yeah, no drama here!
Blaine then wandered away, and LC implored her friends to stop with the drama, but it was too late. They’d been spotted by the Love-inator. Lisa soon appeared over the gang and politely told LC, “Nobody should be sitting here yet, okay? We’ll talk about it on Monday.” BUUSSSTED!!! It was such a succinct, almost pleasant remark, but we knew that in the world of Vogue, that meant “Your ass is mine, you stupid little bitch.”
After Lisa left, Audrina piped up and asked, “Was that who you work for?” No. It was the cocktail waitress. OF COURSE IT WAS, YOU IDIOT. Audrina then followed up with, “Why’d she get all mad?” Like totally? What was up with her? Just because she’s the boss and told LC not to let people sit on the couches, that was like way uncool of her to be all mad like that. Whatevs, granny!
Eventually, the HeidiGaggle deemed the party “over” and waltzed out, leaving LC alone with her headset and a look of total intractable guilt on her face. And to think, the VIPs never even came. All this drama over nothing. Just to prove the point, we then saw flowers floating aimlessly in the pool. LIKE LIFE!!!
And so ended the first eventful episode. What did you think? It’s no Laguna, but is it the new guilty pleasure?