The best part about Wednesdays? Not only is it hump day, it’s Hills day. It’s the day of the week where we can come home and relax for half an hour while we watch the gaggle of idiots led by Jason and Heidi galavant around Hollywood, blithely making fools of themselves for our entertainment. Such was the case tonight when the gang went out to celebrate J-Wahl’s big birthday. Yes, he was turning the ripe old age of nineteen, and if that still sounds young to you, keep in mind that he did wear a blazer to the celebration. That means he’s all growns up. Congratulations, Jason. If you were living in Quebec, you’d be able to drink legally by now.
Indeed, there was plenty of Jason on tonight’s show — so much so that even Heidi was looking like she might have more brain cells than we ever thought imaginable. Also boosting Heidi’s IQ was the introduction of Dan the Model, a man who never saw a salad he didn’t want to party with. That’s the thing about Los Angeles. As long as you surround yourself with dumb people, you’ll always shine. How do you think Heidi got that job at Bolthouse anyway?This week’s show started off with LC explaining how she had recently gotten back together with Jason. When last we had seen them, they were sharing a benign goodnight kiss, but now they had full-on resumed the romance. Not only that, but LC explained that Jason had now become fast friends with Heidi’s main squeeze, Jordan. These guys really don’t waste any time climbing the social ladder, do they?
Anyway, we then found LC and Heidi roaming around a golf store, trying to find some clubs for Jason’s upcoming birthday. Needless to say, the two girls were completely lost. “Calloway has to be good ’cause it’s like everywhere,” Heidi suggested. By that rationale, Heidi probably thinks Sizzler is a four-star restaurant. That would explain why she always gets into a ball gown every time she eats there.
Okay, okay. I kid. I’m sure Heidi’s never even set foot in a Sizzler before. She’s more of a Denny’s girl, if you think about it. Oh, and for the record, according to J-Unit, Calloway actually is a very good brand; so in this case, Heidi’s endorsement actually might be worth considering.
Nevertheless, the girls roamed around the irons and woods, eventually cooing over some clubs whose color schemes were quite pleasing. “These ones are pretty!” LC said.
“Those ones are really pretty!” Heidi confirmed. Let it be known: J-Wahl will have the prettiest clubs on the golf course. I just hope he doesn’t mind the pink ribbons and glitter on the handles.
We then learned that for Jason’s birthday, the whole gang would be enjoying sushi at Blowfish, a local restaurant located on the western-most block of the Sunset Strip. Prior to dinner, however, Jason would be golfing with some of his buddies (read: Lauren’s friends that he’s glommed onto to ensure further screen time and vice versa); so the big plan was to hide the clubs in the trunk of a car and then Surprise! New golf clubs! Sounded like a perfect idea. Couldn’t wait for it to all go wrong.
Anyway, as much fun as the girls were having browsing around without a clue, Heidi finally suggested something that I’ve been recommending for a few weeks now: “Maybe we should get help.” I wholeheartedly agree. And I don’t mean “help” like a maid. Oh wait, Heidi was talking about help with the golf clubs? Eh. I guess we weren’t on the same wavelength after all.
We then saw the opening credits and learned this episode’s title: “Jason’s Birthday.” Ah, very creative. Might I also suggest, “Episode 5″ or “TV show” or “Stuff”? Nevertheless, we soon found ourselves at the Teen Vogue offices where Wh-wh-wh-Whitney had a very insightful observation about jeans and consumer habits:
“Jeans can be really addicting. There’s like always new ones, and you feel like you have to have them!” she said with a goofy grin. Well observed, Whitney. Well observed. Next week, we get to hear her thoughts on glue. “Glue is really bizarre. It like sticks to things and just doesn’t let go!”
As fascinating as this roundtable discussion about jeans was, LC interrupted it to reveal that Jason’s birthday was coming up on Wednesday. How wonderful. But what was even more wonderful was the return appearance of Lisa Love, who strode into the office wearing some sort of pseudo-Madras patterned coat. I tried to do the magic-eye thing on it, but all that happened was I wound up dizzy and with a headache.
We didn’t know what Lisa Love wanted, nor did we know why she had deigned to trek down the hallway to the intern sweatshop / closet. I suspected she’d ask Lauren to fetch some sunglasses she had left behind in a Manhattan hotel room, but instead, L. Love wanted to introduce the girls to Gloria, the fashion director of the magazine. Gloria was an interesting woman. She looked sort of like a long lost Navajo woman dressed in some neo-Madeline schoolgirl outfit. Anyway, she was there to alert the girls that there would be a big fashion shoot on Wednesday. You know, the same day as Jason’s birthday. Whitney would be stuck in class all day (and by “all day,” I mean she had one class at noon), which meant LC would have to come in and work as an assistant on the shoot. It was a great opportunity, but hello?? J-Wahl’s birthday! The most important day of the year!! This was like the High Holidays for hipsters and hangers-on throughout Los Angeles. Lisa Love just didn’t understand, but maybe that’s because she was taking such sadistic joy out of having a new sidekick to stare haughtily at girls with.
Try not to hide your displeasure, Lisa Love.
Anyway, Gloria and Lisa informed LC that she would be doing essentially everything on the shoot. “We’re counting on you to really let it run smoothly,” Gloria added. Since when do interns get this much responsibility? Doesn’t Teen Vogue have an assistants? What about Blaine? He was probably busy interviewing with Glamour (in case you didn’t hear, he just landed a new job as the West Coast editor. It was in Page Six. I guess he won’t be around for season two).
LC should have been psyched for this opportunity, but truthfully, she was absolutely crestfallen. She had already planned Jason’s whole celebration. Now what was she going to do? To think she actually had to work on someone’s birthday. What’s next? No time off for Arbor Day? Seriously, Teen Vogue was shaping up to be a real ACLU nightmare.
That night, we found Heidi and Audrina in the pool talking about, you guessed it, boys. Apparently Audrina had a date coming up with a male model named Dan. But what about Brian, you ask? Last we saw, he and Audrina seemed well on their way to hooking up, especially after they discreetly stepped into her apartment and shut the door behind them, leaving the camera crew out in the hallway. Well, apparently the sparks didn’t really fly that night. “We just hung out,” Audrina said. “We never took it to the next level.” The next level? She wasn’t talking about anal, was she? Actually, it was probably her euphemistic way of saying, “I think he was gay.” Either that or “I accidentally threw up on his lap, and we haven’t talked since.”
Nevertheless, Heidi began laughing about Audrina “not taking it to the next level” with Brian and wondered if Dan would be able to fare better. “You deserve a really good guy,” Heidi then said. Why exactly did Audrina deserve a really good guy? Not sure. It was just empty HeidiSpeak. The girls also talked about giving each other a “signal” during the Dan date. Heidi would call up and provide an out for Audrina if necessary. Sounded like a plan. I just hoped the out wasn’t something like “Hey Audrina. Come to my office right now and tell my boss that I want to quit.”
Back in the apartment, Lauren was wasting time doing something when the front door opened and in walked Jason. Talk about a fast-moving reunion. Last week he was groveling for her forgiveness. This week he had a key to her apartment. By the next episode, she’ll have three children running around and curlers in her hair.
Anyway, Jason sat down next to Lauren, and we were able to see his ever-changing appearance. I noticed that his hair had become puffy and flat-ironed, the first signs of Cabrerasizing (that is, making one’s hair look like Ryan Cabrera’s). I also saw that Jason’s title had officially upgraded from “ex-boyfriend” to “Lauren’s boyfriend.” I guess that means it’s time for him to start treating her like shit. Sure enough, when he found out that Lauren would be stuck at a photo shoot, he began laying on the guilt.
“So you have to work. On my birthday,” he said disappointedly. What’s up with everyone in LC’s life being unrealistically needy? People have jobs and responsibilities. Stop acting like showing up to work is some crazy form of deviant behavior. You know, one day Jason will discover that he too might have to work on his very own birthday. Crazy, right?
Well, LC did feel bad about having to skip out, and she told her boy, “I wanted to spend your birthday with you.” Jason’s response? A quiet mumble. Some things never change. By the way, I loved how these two were acting as if hanging out in the evening was not even an option. It was like LC had to be available to Jason from dawn until midnight, or else the birthday celebration would be ruined.
Anyway, we then saw an enticing shot of a random water fountain, and then it was off to Audrina’s apartment where Dan the Model had arrived for the date. “Fancy seeing you again,” he told her, and off the bat, we knew that he sucked. Plus, he had annoying Goo-Goo Dolls hair; so he just had to be worthless.
As the two walked out to his car, Dan commented awkwardly on how wonderful the weather was. He then asked Audrina if she had been outside that day, and when she said that she had during her lunch break, Dan let out a small chuckle and said, “Oh, that’s right. I apologize. You work.” There goes another person saying the “W” word. Don’t they know that work is verboten on The Hills? Yes, teenagers of America. No one needs a job in Hollywood! Or an education! Just come to Hollywood and hang out! It’ll be just like The Hills (except you might wind up living on the streets with a nasty drug habit).
In the car, Aurdina tried to spark some small talk, but it was pretty much a massive failure. “So what beach did you go to?” she asked.
“Today? [awkward pause] I live at the beach!” Dan replied, as if she was totally loco for even asking in the first place.
“Oh,” said Audrina, clearly not caring anymore.
“Wait, did I say I was going to the beach?” Dan then asked, adding, “I must have lied!” Anyone else’s feet cold? Because Dan has charmed the socks off me! That thumping noise you hear? It’s the sound of all the hearts in America going “Pitter-pat. Pitter pat.”
Anyway, the two drove off to Los Angeles Mexican food institution, El Coyote. Two funny stories about that place: the first time I went there, I saw Kathy Bates chowing down on a burrito. That’s pretty much the story. Not much arc, but the image will be seared into my head forever. The second story is that when I went to El Coyote a month ago, I had to valet the car, and when I handed my keys over, I gave the valet such a static shock that he actually jumped back and said, “Dayummmmm!!!” He then gave me this wounded, betrayed look, almost as if I had violated some ancient, sacred oath — one that promised that valets and customers would stand side by side and never, ever shock each other with static electricity.
Okay, now that I’ve veered completely off-topic, let’s get back to the date, or as I like to call it, the total disaster. Yes, I should have known Kathy Bates and static electricity would foreshadow such a terrible social outing. It wasn’t that the two were fighting or sharing awkward moments. It was more like Dan was a complete and total idiot. At one point, he even said, “I’m going to check my machine, if you don’t mind.” Classy. At the very least, pretend like you have to go to the bathroom. Anyway, right there at the table, while he was on an alleged date, Dan whipped out his cell phone and checked his messages. Note that this was on the heels of some dumb story about his friend getting fake boobs and then showing them to all the guys when she was drunk.
Well, Dan was on his cell for quite a while, prompting Audrina to politely ask, “Have a lot of messages?” Dan simply rolled his eyes empathetically and said, “My agent.” Oh how I hoped a waiter would accidentally drop a burning hot dish of fajitas on his head.
Later, as the two were eating their food, Heidi called Audrina up provide an out if necessary. “If he’s really cute and sweet then tell me that the food is great,” Heid said. Personally, I would have gone with the “If he’s really cute and sweet, then tell me that Kathy Bates is eating a burrito at the next table.” Nevertheless, Heidi then asked how the food was, and Audrina replied… “It’s a little greasy.” Oh snap! You just got dissed, Dan, and you didn’t even know it! Of course, he didn’t realize because he was too busy admiring the mixed greens in front of him.
“This salad’s like a party,” he said, thus providing my favorite quote of the week. After a line like that, it didn’t take long to realize that we probably wouldn’t be seeing him again.
And we’re all invited!
Later that night, Jason, LC, Jordan, and Heidi all congregated at a restaurant named Bella. Brian joined them too, but before he arrived at the table, everyone talked about how they shouldn’t mention Audrina’s date in front of him. Don’t want to make him feel bad about not being able to take Audrina “to the next level.”
Well, Brian sat down at the table, and sarcastically joked, “Thanks for saving me bread!”
Heidi jokingly shot back, “But look! We did save you oil and vinegar,” and for whatever reason, this caused Jason to double over with laughter. Yes, nothing tickles the funny bone like some good old fashioned oil and vinegar comedy. Ever heard Dane Cook’s bit about balsamic? Oh, it’s classic!
A little bit later, Audrina arrived, prompting Heidi to ask, “Are you alone?” Audrina said yes, and then about two seconds later, Heidi asked, “Are you going to see him again?” SHHH!! Ix-nay on the ate-day in ont-fray of ian-Bray…
Well, thanks to Heidi and her inability to keep quiet about the NotDate, the entire table began asking Audrina questions about Dan, clearly making Brian uncomfortable. But since we don’t really care about Brian, this was just more fun for us, and ultimately, the scene ended with the gang toasting to Jason’s birthday. Yay!
We then went to commercial, and when we returned, it was Wednesday, the day when the Wahlers birthed their furry little son, Jason. It also happened to be the day of the big Teen Vogue shoot. LC showed up and met Jane, a fashion editor who seemed about as exciting as her name. She instantly put her new intern to work. First LC had to line up shoes. Then sneakers. And then she had to organize them by category. Did Jane have no mercy? All this shoe preparation was nearly as rigorous as Heidi’s perpetual tuna sandwich gathering for Brent Bolthouse. It’s a rough industry, people. Even worse, once LC was done arranging the footwear, she then had to steam a skirt. Oh, the brutality! This was like the inverted 8th and Ocean. How the other half lives!
Later in the day, Blaine surfaced and began asking LC all sorts of questions about Jason and the golf clubs and the birthday celebration. Why he cared so much was beyond me. Maybe he was just trying to fish for gossip that he could share with Lisa Love. After all, now that Gloria had moved in, Blaine needed something to win back Lisa’s good graces. He’s the number one sidekick, dammit. Gloria better respect!
We then headed out to a golf course where Jason and Jordan were about to hit the links. They piled out of an SUV, and Jordan suggested that Jason pull something out of the trunk. Jason did this and soon discovered a brand new set of clubs, courtesy of LC. Of course, he didn’t realize his girlfriend was behind this present, and instead, Jason asked Jordan, “Whaaat? Is this from you?” I suppose he was so used to receiving lavish gifts from his old sidekick Cedric that he just assumed Jordan would be delivering similar offerings. Anyway, Jordan informed him that the clubs were in fact from Lauren, causing Brian to remark, “She couldn’t have gotten them at a better time.” Yes, Brian. That’s the magic of birthday presents. They arrive on your birthday. It wasn’t a coincidence.
Jason then called up LC to thank her, and I was shocked that a) he was so appreciative, and b) he didn’t express his gratitude with a series of low murmurs. He actually seemed animated and happy. This made Lauren very happy, but her emotions soon turned to anxiety as the clock ticked away at the photo shoot. Soon it was 4:30 PM, and there seemed to be no end in sight to this day. LC then began complaining to a random model about her situation, saying, “It’s my boyfriend’s birthday today, and I’m missing it, and I’m so sad.” Oh, I could understand her plight. I mean, it was already nearly 4:45 PM. At that point, the day was practically shot! There’d be no time to celebrate now! Everything would be ruined!
We then cut back to the guys golfing — or attempting to golf. Ah, fun times on J-Wahl’s birthday. Then it was back to the shoot where LC was preparing for a DHL pick-up in case the shoot went longer than 6 PM. Uh-oh! There was a chance LC would have to stay later than 6? Have these people even heard of labor laws? This was an outrage!
Finally, at 6:25 PM, Jane told LC that there was only one more shot left, and it was at the beach. Lauren didn’t have to go along, but if she were smart, she would have. Unfortunately, LC wasn’t that smart. I mean, she’s a hell of a lot brighter than her friends, but when it comes to all things J-Wahl, she makes Heidi look like Ken Jennings. As a result, LC backed out of the beach shoot, saying that she had plans already. Now here’s the thing: she could have simply said she really wanted to go to the beach shoot but unfortunately had prior obligations and conflicts or whatever. That way, she could have kept up good relations with Jane. But instead, LC shrugged sheepishly and said, “Sorry, it’s my boyfriend’s birthday party.” Ouch. Wrong answer. Lauren then waltzed out to her car, with Jane staring disapprovingly back at her. Lisa Love would NOT be happy about this. The good news for LC though was that she was finally free at last to spend time with Jason — because they clearly don’t get to spend enough time together as it is. The bad news was that LC then got stuck in horrendous traffic. Was Lauren ever going to be reunited with her fuzzy boyfriend???
The dilemma soon resolved itself as we found LC and Jason together after the commercial break. They hopped into an SUV in her garage and drove off to dinner. You’d think they’d be so happy to be reunited, but the pre-dinner conversation in the car was a bit, well, frosty. “Do you just want to go home after dinner?” Jason asked LC. I thought that was his way of soliciting sex from her, but apparently, he really was asking/suggesting that she just go home after dinner. Sort of harsh. He then followed up by saying, “Well, if you want to go home, you can take my car.” Translation: I kind of want to cheat on you tonight (mumble mumble).
LC then asked Jason where he was going after dinner, and instead of responding, “I want to do whatever you’re doing,” he said, “I don’t know. I’m just seeing how I feel.” Ouch. Failed the test. You know, he should really be groveling to LC. This is her show, after all.
We now pause for some Hills geographical scandal.
Okay, I’m about to get all Internet geeky on this show. One of the cool benefits of living in Los Angeles is tearing down the web of LIES The Hills perpetuates. The biggest lie, of course, is that The Hills actually takes place in The Hills. The show claims that LC lives in the Hillside Villas on Sunset Plaza Drive, but that pool they’re always swimming in is pure Palazzo — a.k.a. a complex on 3rd Street (which is most certainly not The Hills). Further proving this point is the bizarre route Jason and LC took to get to the birthday party in this episode. They allegedly started off at the Hillside Villas but then, we could clearly see them driving on Melrose Avenue, and later, we could see the West Hollywood Gateway complex in Jason’s window, indicating that they were heading northbound on La Brea! For those of you who don’t live in Los Angeles, click here to see what their route looked like to get to the restaurant.
Now, why would LC and Jason drive all around town when the restaurant was just down the street from her alleged apartment? Scandal is in the air people! Feel free to submit your theories and scenarios!
Anyway, back to the story…
The kids all arrived at the restaurant, Blowfish, where they enjoyed some sushi and the company of random older people who were clearly too pathetic to find friends in their own peer group. Please shoot me if I’m thirty-five and hanging out with nineteen year olds. At one point, our old friend Brian stood up to deliver a toast. He attempted to get everyone’s attention by clinking his glass with a chopstick, but when he didn’t achieve the perfect sound, he remarked, “Doesn’t really work good with a wooden stick.” Chopstick. It’s called a chopstick. He then added, “Me Brian. Me no good at using wooden stick on clear water-holding things.” Okay, he didn’t say that, but he did deliver a lame speech about how he’d been in Los Angeles for five months and blah blah blah. It was a pretty boring toast, which goes to show that Audrina’s not the only thing he’s incapable of taking to the next level. I then started to think about Brian and how he’d only been in Los Angeles for less than a year, and yet already he was on a reality show and had been seen with Paris Hilton. Either he was lying about his tenure in Los Angeles, or he’s just a really proficient social climber. Probably a mixture of both.
Anyway, after the toast, Audrina regaled Brian with stories about how she used to work at Hooters (shocker!), and Jason, meanwhile, disappeared from LC’s side. When someone asked where he went, some guy joked that Jason was so over LC now. This prompted Heidi to snap, “That is a really mean thing to say!” It was a joke, Heidi. Relax. But seriously, he really was over her.
Jason did return from wherever he had disappeared to (probably the bathroom to stare at those gnarly automatic faucets again), but instead of sitting by Lauren’s side, he instead went to another end of the long table to chat with some other guests. Normally, I’d say he was just working the room as a good host should, but knowing Jason, he was probably lining up his extra-curricular girlfriends for the evening. Besides, after all the guilt Jason had put on Lauren for not being able to spend the entire day with him, you’d think he’d want to spend more than thirty seconds by her side. Nevertheless, he told a bunch of people about a cool club he was going to later that night — a club that he conveniently didn’t tell LC about. Oh, he’s a low-down dirty dawg!
Certainly not happy by the lack of attention, LC shot Jason a look, and he humbly returned to his lovah, saying, “I’m trying to be friendly.” Yeah, well, be friendly on your own reality show. No woman deserves to be stuck alone with Heidi and Audrina nattering away in her ear.
Jason soon retreated to the other end of the table again, and as LC sat discontented and alone, a random old dude asked her if she was fighting with the birthday boy. Lauren brushed off the question, saying she was just sitting there and smiling. She wasn’t going to fight with him on his birthday. Translation: I’m going to fight with him on his birthday.
LC then said, “He can’t treat me like shit and expect me to be sweet to him, you know?” But seriously, no fighting on the birthday.
After dinner, LC decided to exercise her passive-aggressive right to be angry by telling Jason she wasn’t going out with everyone. She was just gonna go home.
“Why are you mad at me, Lauren?” he asked. Again, she said she wasn’t going to fight with him on his birthday… and then added, “I rushed home for your birthday. Put yourself in my situation.” Unfortunately, the demands of thinking about anyone but himself nearly exploded poor Jason’s brain. He merely stared blankly and walked away (I’m sure there was some dialogue conveniently left on the editing room floor), leaving LC to stand by the valet with random bags in her arms. Normally, I’d feel bad for LC, but a) she had to realize that as slimy and immature as he is, this was Jason’s day, not hers, and b) that’s what happens when you let someone like Jason back into your life.
“What is this concept, ‘putting myself in your shoes’? I can’t fit in high heels!”
What did you think about this episode? Was LC being crabby? Was Jason being a dick? Or were they all being very, very silly?