Recap: The Hills: You Cannot Touch The Spencer!

The Hills

By B-Side | Monday, February 5, 2007 | 11:00 pm | 57 Comments

spencer020507 After spending Sunday knee-deep in football and manly Americana (truck commercials, beer commercials, phallic half-time performances), it was time to replace the afterglow of a great Super Bowl with the petty joy of Lauren, Heidi, and the rest of the hooligans on The Hills. Quite honestly, it was the perfect companion piece to the big game. Both had intrepid heroes (Peyton and Heidi), historical meetings (Tony and Lovie, Heidi and Audrina), and, of course, frustrating jerks (Rex and Spencer). In many ways, some might say this latest episode of The Hills was the Super Bowl of MTV. I would not disagree — especially after the glorious altercation that ignited the first act of the show, much like an electric kick return for a touchdown. So many parallels…This week’s episode began with Lauren and Heidi hanging out at the pool, talking about — you guessed it — boys. LC’s greatest stress was whether or not to continue with Brody Jenner. On the one hand, she liked him. But on the other hand, she wasn’t sure if she had the energy to go through the whole “dating” process. “I feel like Jason broke me,” she said, adding, “He just would not shut up! The constant blabbing! It was capital gains tax this; foreign policy that. I swear, the only time I could get any peace was when The News Hour was on!”

As for Heidi, she announced rather casually that she would be having dinner with Audrina that night. Wh-wh-wha?? Might there be mending in the air? Where did this come from? Lauren asked if it would just be the two of them, and we learned that yes, indeed, it was to be a “solo mish.” How dangerous — treading solo into the lair of THE DRINA! Let’s hope Heidi can tame this horrid Pinkberry beast and return happiness to the world at last!

After the opening credits, we then found Heidi at Bolthouse Productions, where everyone was busy clicking their mouses and attempting to seem mildly bothered. It was kind of what CTU might look like if it were run by coke-snorting hipsters. Anyway, Heidi marched into Brent’s office and announced that she would be visiting her mother to celebrate her birthday, and upon hearing this Brent merely mumbled back that she’d have to use vacation days. It all seemed fairly excessive, especially considering that Heidi hails from Laguna Beach, just a mere hour’s drive away. However, things on The Hills don’t always make sense; so I was willing to just move on.

Well, Heidi returned to her seat where some massively faux-hawked co-worker named Max called her up and informed her that he’d been recently reprimanded for his clothing and that she should be careful because her outfit might not be totally appropriate for the office either. Thank goodness for Max. Without him, Heidi might never have remembered that Bolthouse is a Business-Skank office, not Business-Slut.

“Soon… Soon she shall join my polka dot army.”

We then headed over to Teen Vogue where Whitney was busy asking a million questions about Brody Jenner. “Did he even try to kiss you that night?” she asked Lauren, who didn’t seem incredibly eager to dish the dirt. Of course, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Brody would make a pass; so Wh-Wh-Wh-Whitney moved to her follow up question: “Was he a good kisser?”

WELL! Lauren recoiled with faux-disdain and informed her dear co-worker that such details would not be liberally shared throughout the offices of Teen Vogue. “I’m a lady!” she insisted. “I don’t kiss and tell!” That’s right. She merely kisses and broadcasts… to the whole MTV viewing audience.

Once this meaningless scene had run its course, we then headed back to Heidi, who was now eating lunch with the man of the hour, Spencer Pratt. Our girl mindlessly babbled on about how she had asked Brent if there was a dress code and how he said no and then when he asked who had told her that, she said Max (way to narc out the guy who was giving you a heads up!). Anyway, it didn’t seem like anything too noteworthy, but Spencer was not pleased. Not pleased at all! After ordering his “muscle breakfast,” he seethed, “I cannot wait to see little Max up in the club and tell him his outfit looks a little inappropriate, and he needs to go!” GOOD ONE! Max will surely be devastated by Spencer’s undeniably acerbic wit! His words sting like the lashing of a cat-o-nine-tails!

Heidi then announced that she would be having dinner with Audrina, a development that nearly caused Spencer to choke on his water. Almost immediately, he seemed to launch into nervous, damage control mode. He alerted Heidi repeatedly that Audrina was her mortal enemy and anything she might say would be totally untrustworthy and she’d only start making up stories to get back into Heidi’s good graces and so on and so on. Clearly, Spencer was just afraid that Audrina would reveal him to be the dickwad that he is — relaying all the things he’s said behind Heidi’s back.

Of course, when it comes to exposing Spencer’s douchebag tendencies, there was no need to consult with Audrina. All Heidi needed to do was sit back and watch her boyfriend unload on poor Max. Yes, in a joyous turn of events, Heidi’s co-workers Max and Elodie walked swiftly by the table, causing Spencer to mutter, “I’m done with that kid!” Yes, Max and his ruthless, sartorial barbs! He must be silenced!

Well, Spencer walked right up to a surprised Max and told him, “Don’t comment on how Heidi dresses! We all, everybody I hang out with, love the way she dresses!” And since Spencer & Co. are clearly the taste makers of Los Angeles, Max would do well to heed his opinions! Surely if Spencer and everyone he hangs out with love the way Heidi dresses, then that automatically makes it workplace appropriate. Besides, who was this Max person in the first place?

“You’re an intern, bro!” Spencer said. Hey, at least Max has a job (or something resembling a career path).

Turns out that Max wasn’t actually an intern. He was an assistant at Bolthouse Productions. No matter. Spencer still could pull rank. “You’re assistant to my boy!” he charged, as if that meant anything to anyone.

Understanding that he should probably avoid any confrontation, lest it affect his work, Max merely agreed to not talk about Heidi’s wardrobe and then walked away, patting Spencer on the shoulder in the process.

Well, YOU DO NOT TOUCH THE SPENCER! “Don’t touch me!” he barked, his perma-grin momentarily fading. Apparently, Spencer’s muscle breakfast came with a side of ‘roid rage. Even better, he then announced to the entire café, “He just touched me! That’s assault!” Way to go, tough guy. Someone puts his hand on your shoulder, and suddenly it’s assault. I never realized Spencer was so delicate. Spoiled, yes. But delicate — that’s a shock. Maybe we should put him in a bubble, lest any other violating forces deign to make physical contact with him and crush his fragile skeleton. He already has a class action suit against thirty mosquitos.

“Don’t think you can lightly graze my shoulder and get away with it, bub!”

Spencer then stomped after Max, taunting him by saying, “You’re a cool guy with your orange shades, bro!” Hey, at least they’re better than the douchebag smile consistently plastered on your face (am I really standing up for Max? Really?).

When the insults failed to elicit a desired response, Spencer then resorted to idle threats, asking, “Do you have any idea what I’m gonna do to you, homeboy?” Hmmm… let me guess. You’ll get Max’s face long enough for him to finally shove you away, you’ll clutch your shoulders, accuse him of felonious battery, and have Daddy’s lawyers run Max out of the city.

Anyway, apparently Max had rightfully called Spencer a tool, and apparently, that violated some very specific zoning laws. “Do you think you can call somebody a tool in L.A.?” he asked as if there was a local ordinance against the pejorative use of the word “tool.” Yes, this is a decent town. We don’t call people “tools” here. How barbaric!

“You think I like this? You think I like watching you with Heidi when I know you could be with me? Don’t you love me anymore, Spence?”

**Eventually, the fight hits a rut when the guys wind up saying “‘Scuse me!” for ten minutes straight.**

Finally, Heidi pulled Spencer away, who amusingly insisted, “I was being nice until he called me a tool.” Yes, the epitome of graciousness and class. You know, they’d never mistake Spencer’s warm gestures at Don Antonio’s. Never!

Well, Elodie was still stickin’ around, but she realized that she needed to probably catch up with her lunch buddy, Max. She darted out of there, but not before Spencer swamped her with an awkward, unwelcomed hug. Elodie could not have been less enthused. Her body language was what I imagined I’d be like if I were forced to embrace a giant slug.

After the commercial break, we found Whitney and Lauren back at their messy closet of an office, picking out clothing for an upcoming birthday party. Turns out Whitney didn’t have time to shop for an outfit; so she was going to borrow one from Teen Vogue instead. How lovely! I wonder if she’ll fall down in the process?

Lauren then informed her that Heidi and Audrina would be having dinner together, causing Whitney to exclaim, “THAT’S SO GREAT!!!” She then promptly fell on her ass.

Speaking of the girls, we then found Heidi and Audrina eating dinner at the decidedly un-Don Antonio’s Mexican restaurant, Lucy’s El Adobe Café. The two gabbed about the whole situation, with Heidi saying how she was kind of annoyed about the whole birthday party incident, which was then followed by Audrina showing up at a club with Spencer. Of course, this was highly amusing because Heidi essentially exposed the show’s faulty timeline (we’d been led to believe that the club drama occurred before the birthday drama).

Anyway, the girls continued to blab away, with Heidi explaining how difficult it was for her because no one seemed to understand what it was like when Spencer would look at her in that special way. Or as I like to call it, that “I give this look to every girl” way. Audrina then curiously asked Heidi, “Were you still with him two or three Saturdays ago?” She then added, “Because I had sex with him then. I hope that’s not a problem or anything.”

Actually, they didn’t have sex, BUT Spencer did apparently call Audrina. Dunh dunh DUNH! Don’t worry; Audrina didn’t call him back or anything (she was busy gettin’ her vapid on). Nevertheless, this frustrated poor Heidi, who didn’t know what to think about her boy now. One thing was for sure: Audrina was back in the fold. Sound the trumpets! Now she can go back to being that girl that we don’t care about.

Later, Heidi relayed all this to Lauren in one of their late-night couch talks (the 2007 answer to cheesecake on The Golden Girls). The two gabbed for a while, with Heidi reiterating that she was sick of people telling her to be careful with Spencer. Luckily, Lauren had some sage advice: “They don’t see the way he looks at you!” Okay, you girls have to settle down with this whole “look” thing. In case you haven’t realized, he has only one expression — and it’s not unlike a gingerbread man. Don’t be fooled!

LC then came to a stunning conclusion: “I don’t completely trust Spencer, but I trust that he likes you.” GREAT! That settles that! To the kitchen for cheesecake!

We then moved into strange territory as Lauren, one of the most established Masters of the Laguna / Hills pantheon, watched as Heidi packed her bags for her upcoming visit with her mom. That’s right — a Master observed packing, and as we all know, it is solely the sidekick’s job to witness packing. Did this mean Lauren was a sidekick now? Didn’t seem right… or even possible. Maybe Masters have an exemption whereas they are allowed to watch other Masters pack. I’ll have to chew on that for a while.

Anyway, the most exciting part of this whole scene was that Heidi found a pair of long-missing, but never-forgotten tweezers in the dark crevasses of her suitcase. Their return elicited utter joy from Heidi, who reacted as if she had just been reunited with her long lost sister. And speaking of missing, where was her little pooch, Bella? Probably tucked away in the toiletries pocket of the suitcase, quietly hoping to be swept back into civilization like a much-loved pair of tweezers.

One tweezer to rule them all…

“So shiny, so beautiful. My precious…”

Well, Heidi asked Lauren if she was going to go out to Area without her, and LC replied that she probably wouldn’t, mostly because it would be weird to go without Heidi. Hmmm… sounds very sidekicky. I refuse to admit that Lauren might be turning into a sidekick, but all the signs are pointing in that direction. My life is about to be turned upside down…

Of course, the only reason why Heidi was asking about Lauren’s plans was because she wanted someone to spy on Spencer over the weekend. And for good reason. Just at that moment, Spencer was hanging out at Brody’s condo (a considerable upgrade from the J-Wahl/Jordan/Brian domicile from last season). After lamenting the recent dearth of females on his MySpace page, Spencer then announced that several Playmates would be joining up with the guys for their night out. Two seconds later, the blondies and one or two douchebags in trucker hats all arrived, moving Spencer to toast, “To the most beautiful human beings I’ve ever been with!” He then added, “DO NOT TOUCH ME! THAT IS ASSAULT!!!!”

Meanwhile, back at the Hillside Villas, we found Lauren, Jen, and Heidi getting ready in front of a mirror. But what about Heidi’s travel plans? Not so much. She casually mentioned, “I can’t believe I missed my flight!” Huh? She need a flight from Los Angeles to Laguna? Oh, those hectic forty-five mile routes! Actually, my assumptions were apparently incorrect. Her mom was in Colorado, hence the vacation time and airport visits. Personally, I was a little doubtful that there even was a flight in the first place. We didn’t see Heidi putting any clothes in her bag, we didn’t see her at the airport, and we didn’t see her looking particularly broken up over the missed flight. I’m calling shenanigans.

Of course, there were two fringe benefits to all this. A) Heidi could now surprise Spencer at the club and discover that he’s as big of a dirtbag as everyone says. B) Order could be restored as the presence of Jen reminded us that she was the sidekick, not Lauren.

Anyway, Jen continued her aggressive quest to be the world’s best sidekick by eagerly plotting out Heidi’s stealth attack on Spencer. “Perfect!” she said of Heidi’s unexpected return, “Because he thinks you’re gone, but you won’t be gone!” Insert “Mwwhahahahah!” here (and then add three layers of makeup).

After the break, we then went to Area nightclub where Spencer was dancing like an idiot with all the Playmates. He later chatted it up with one of the girls, who informed him that she’d be posing for a naked picnic the next day. This excited Spencer, whose grin when from THIS to THIIIIS. “Next time I’m coming back here, we’ll do a naked picnic,” the girl told him.

Well, Spencer could not have been more excited. He kept going on about the naked picnic, saying “I’ll pack the whole lunch!” and “I’m so excited about our naked picnic.” He then added, “The picnic will be great — as long as no one touches me. Because that’s assault.”

Meanwhile, at the front of the club, Heidi and the girls walked in, but not before a co-worker named Kristen told her Spencer was inside with “two blonde sluts.” Heidi’s face dropped so quickly, you’d think someone had told her that her tweezers had gone missing again. Well, time for an ambush!

Just as Spencer was sweet talking more of the Playmates, in walked the girls, with LC giving a happy, gotcha!-laden “SURPRISE!” Spencer slowly rose from his seat, his mouth gaping open (but grinning, as usual). This was his “Oh shit.” smile, and even though he seemed happy on the outset, he immediately needled Heidi with all sorts of passive-aggressive comments, jokingly (but not really) accusing her of laying a super sneaky trap. Had he not been doing anything wrong (ie. aiming to bed a Playmate), he probably wouldn’t have automatically assumed this was a sting operation, but the guilty conscience spoke for itself, and Heidi was noticeably upset by it. She excused herself to go to the bathroom, causing Spencer to call out, “Why you being so rude?” Oh god. I’m seriously running out of ways to humorously call him a douchebag.

Sure enough, in the bathroom, one of the models told Heidi that Spencer was hitting on every girl in the club, which was enough to merit a good ol’ fashioned Storm-Out-Of-Area exit. Spencer tried to smooth things over by saying, “Heidi, give me a hug,” but his kind gesture went unreciprocated. Instead, Heidi hopped in a cab and barked, “Lauren, get in the car!” Never mind Jen, who clearly wasn’t cool enough to ride in the Master Taxi back to Hillside Villas.

Back at the apartment, we found Lauren chiding Spencer on the phone while Heidi bawled on the couch. “I had to pick up the phone like I picked up my best friend and carried her up the stairs,” LC scolded, again acting entirely too sidekick-ish for my tastes. Eventually, Lauren hung up and sat in a mildly sapphic position with Heidi, the two comforting each other after this hellish night. Oh, I should mention that Brody was also at the club, but since he and Lauren had a charmingly sweet interaction, it wasn’t really worth discussing. Tonight was all about the douchebags, not the romantics.

**I love when The Hills turns into a gritty Sundance movie.**

Anyway, once he got off the phone with Lauren, Spencer returned to the girls he was with and said, “Let’s go, Team Playmates!” ENOUGH WITH THE TEAMS ALREADY! Soon he’s gonna practically have a league. Here’s my favorite: Team SHUT THE HELL UP!

What did you think about tonight’s tumultuous episode?

Comments (57)
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57 Comments

1

MTVwhoreInTX

Posted February 5, 2007 at 11:31 pm

this was too funny. douchebag spense is a jack ass. worse is, a few weeks ago one of our fellow recap readers posted a link to his myspace page. apparently, he and heidi are still an item. she’s so naive. oh the well.
2

Audge

Posted February 5, 2007 at 11:45 pm

I could not believe Spencer’s behavior toward Max the intern. I was like you, first mocking Max and then defending him because Spencer *IS* a tool!

I love your “You cannot touch the Spencer!”

Hilarious.

I really hope Heidi still isn’t with him.

http://audgepodge.blogspot.com/2007/02/my-take-hills-youre-tool-spencer.html
3

CapitalCH

Posted February 6, 2007 at 12:10 am

Maybe I just don’t get LA, but why the hell do all the girls seem to flock to these losers? Spencer would NEVER get a girl anywhere else in the contry, money or not. I love the show, but it seems so fake this season compared to the first.

B-Side, you forgot to recap how hilarious it was to see Heidi and Lauren drunk off their asses, while Heidi was bawling in front of those wine glasses and the empty bottle.
4

luvly_grrl

Posted February 6, 2007 at 2:07 am

Its funny every time i saw “DON’T TOUCH ME !!THATS ASSAULT!!!” i imagined it in will ferrell’s voice LOL…

…What a douchebag
5

tater

Posted February 6, 2007 at 3:16 am

Yeah I called Spency a douchebag no less than 5 times this episode. Seriously assult…I thought you needed at least a bruise for an assult. If that loser shot that comment to me, I’d say take me to court.

Oh and as far as the LC/Brody thing…give it 2 more episodes. Laying on the comments that much even in an edited show will lead to any guy’s demise.
6

dsher

Posted February 6, 2007 at 5:26 am

Spencer is a total ass! I can’t believe he told Max that was assult. Pathetic.

B-side I’m shocked you didn’t remember that Heidi was not a true Laguna girl. Lauren picked her up in San Fran at school and brought her home. She is from Colorado.

As for Lauren. She was never a really strong Master. I think she could go either way.
7

Mrs.Meow

Posted February 6, 2007 at 5:50 am

I’m so glad you noticed and pointed out how shady MTV’s editing is with the birthday party then the club comment. I caught that right away!

The other thing that seemed a little weird was that Heidi was wearing the same outfit when she was at breakfast wit Spencer, but Max was wearing a different shirt. Also, going to breakfast after goig to work? Weird.

Anyone else notice how Heidi said that she missed her flight even though she was at the airport? Seriously, how does this girl function?
8

vividblurry

Posted February 6, 2007 at 5:57 am

“I love when The Hills turns into a gritty Sundance movie.”

HA! I love it. As usual, a brilliant recap.

I could not believe the conflict between Spencer and Max. If I were Heidi, I’d have dumped him right then and there. Seriously, the guy is a major douchebag.

The funny thing is, when I was watching this with my roommate, she saw Heidi’s office outfit and remarked, “Wow, that is totally not work appropriate.” And then, lo and behold, Max calls her out on it. He had every reason to do so, Heidi looked ridiculous.

I, too, caught the little timeline screw up. Makes you wonder what else is out of wack.
9

mandymax

Posted February 6, 2007 at 6:04 am

Oh, my – where to begin?

I was seriously embarrassed for Heidi when Spencer acted like a beligerent four-year-old in a public restaurant. To his girlfriend’s coworkers, no less. Part of me wonders if his idiocy is exacerbated by the fact that there are cameras all over him and he’s stupidly playing up his “macho” side. In any case, had that been my boyfriend, I would’ve been completely humiliated and cut ties with him then and there.

I also picked up on Heidi’s accidental revealing of the editing snafu as soon as she said it, but whatever.

Brody. Number One, you’re only as good as the company you keep, and Number Two, Brody was ALSO partying it up with the Playmates. His whole schmoozing over Lauren as soon as she showed up to see him palling around with those girls was evidence enough for me that he was trying to play the good guy who was just along for the ride and had NO INTEREST IN PLAYBOY PLAYMATES WHATSOEVER!!! All of this gels in my mind to form the opinion that Brody is no better than Spencer underneath it all – he’s just prettier.

Did Spencer really, truly, honestly believe that that Playmate was actually SERIOUS about having a naked picnic with him???? Clearly she was just playing along to get him off her back. It cracked me up, the way he actually seemed to believe this was a set date to be circled in red on his calendar.

Okay – I think I’m done for now.
10

pea

Posted February 6, 2007 at 6:30 am

Whomever said Spencer looks like a Lego Man was so dead on. Hilarious.
11

swissms99

Posted February 6, 2007 at 6:39 am

Great re-cap as always. Love the comparison to the Super Bowl Game and this episode. (Go Colts!!)

“Later, Heidi relayed all this to Lauren in one of their late-night couch talks (the 2007 answer to cheesecake on The Golden Girls).” – How true is that! I love it B-Side!

And yes, Spencer is such a douchebag…I also agree with Mandymax’s comment about Brody. He was loving the Playmate attention as well so I forsee some cheeseball/doucheball action coming from Brody sometime soon. Fight it Lauren! He’s too sweet to be real! His “niceness” kind of makes me uncomfortable…
12

AC

Posted February 6, 2007 at 6:56 am

“Anyway, apparently Max had rightfully called Spencer a tool, and apparently, that violated some very specific zoning laws. “Do you think you can call somebody a tool in L.A.?” he asked as if there was a local ordinance against the pejorative use of the word “tool.” Yes, this is a decent town. We don’t call people “tools” here. How barbaric!”

When he said that, I was WAITING for you to write about that, Bside. You are so DEAD ON! I thought the same thing.

Spencer disgusts me so much I can’t even stand it. I can’t even write about it, so I won’t.

Brody is CREEPY! What is with these girls finding the grossest, ugliest and stupidest guys in L.A.? I just don’t get it.

I feel like Lauren is in a tough situation. If she talks shit about Spencer and tries to convince Heidi to get rid of him, she will sound bitter and jealous. OBVIOUSLY, this guy is a tool, but Heidi OBVIOUSLY won’t really listen to anyone else. She has to see it for herself. I’ve had so many friends in the same situations with guys and they would sooner blow the friend off than the guy. It’s stupid, but that’s how girls work. Heidi showed some intelligence and rationality when she wanted to spy on Spencer, but again, she seems really immature and needy like she did in the pregnancy test episode. She should have faith in her gut feelings and go with it. Spencer is a waste of time.
13

jasminetheawesome

Posted February 6, 2007 at 7:33 am

This episode was masterful!
14

MissKatrina

Posted February 6, 2007 at 7:45 am

Couldn’t wait to see what you thought about Spencer being called a tool in LA, BSide. I figured that in other locales, such as Cleveland or perhaps Baltimore, it was acceptable under town ordinance, though “douchebag” would be the preferred insult.

Did anyone else notice that Wh-wh-wh-Whitney said she was “just askink-g” Lauren about her rendezvous with Brody? She must have said it 4 times, I almost threw my table at the TV.
15

tiffgasm

Posted February 6, 2007 at 8:00 am

Where to begin? First of all, am I the only one who noticed that Lauren called Heidi “HO-di” when they were out sunning by the pool? I hit the rewind button 4 times and she definitely said “HO-di”.
Next, I thought Heidi’s ‘inappropriate’ work attire was really cute. She works in an industry where it is okay (and often expected) to wear trendy clothes to the office. I think Max was being an ass because, even if he disapproved, he is not her boss and is in no position to critique her clothes. Plus, he is obviously gay, so he was trying to be bitchy about her outfit, not give her a heads up.
Oh, and I was completely embarassed by Spencer’s confrontation of Max, but, in some odd way, I think Heidi enjoyed it. It took a long time for that debacle to be over.
16

tigereye

Posted February 6, 2007 at 8:01 am

Heidi isn’t from Laguna, her family lives in CO.
I thought it was funny how Max seemed to just be giving Heidi a heads up and she took offense a tad; Spencer’s reaction: holy shit, calm down douche, way to overcompensate for your slutty ways. Plus, just cause Heidi possibly dresses well outside of work, those clothes tend to be inappropriate for offices, duh. He’s obviously never had a real job.

I still can’t believe that Spencer and Heidi are still together. Maybe its all publicity; lets hope so.
17

Mrs.Meow

Posted February 6, 2007 at 9:07 am

I can’t believe I forgot – did anyone else notice when LC and Whitney were at Teen Vogue, LC was looking at perezhilton.com? I had to rewind to double-check, but she was definitely checking it out…
18

SkipToMyLu

Posted February 6, 2007 at 9:08 am

Hey B-Side.. Heidi has done a spread in Stuff Magazine

http://www.usmagazine.com/mtvs_heidi_montag_shows_off_her_own_hills_1

(clean link)
19

easydoesit

Posted February 6, 2007 at 10:10 am

I read the US Magazine interview and it looks like Heidi is still with Spencer and she’s recording an album produced by David Foster who happens to be Brody Jenner’s stepdad. Seems like sticking with Spencer is a must if she wants to get her album produced by Mr. Foster. Not only is she vapid but apparently a whoring social climber too.
20

mo_knows

Posted February 6, 2007 at 10:18 am

Huh?? I just read the US Magazine article too, and Spencer is her “Manager/boyfriend”?? How can that guy be a manager??
Also, did anyone think it was weird that when Max the co-worker called Heidi on the phone, the camera just happened to be on him? That seemed pretty staged to me, although I can’t think of why…
And somebody above wondered why Heidi and Spencer would be meeting for breakfast when Heidi had already been to work- my guess is that Spency the unemployed had just rolled out of bed, thus was eating his breakfast at noon.
21

moodylupin

Posted February 6, 2007 at 11:23 am

No, Heidi. No, LC. We don’t see the way your loser boyfriends look at you …

That was dumb.
LC advice to Heidi was a total cover up for what I imagine she used to say when she dated Jason … how can she repeated when she was obviously WRONG!!!! God! They are in denial.

So, that’s how it works for this girls? Date jackassess as long as they “look” at you that way when you guys are alone. Blah!
22

claudia tj

Posted February 6, 2007 at 12:02 pm

Miss Katrina:
I asked the same thing about Whitney after last week’s episode..
Please someone tell me where she is from…
The way Lauren says “Thankyouuuuu” and Audrina’s puckered lips when she speaks..I am going crazy. These idiots drive me crazy….
B Side? it is spelled “crevices”.
23

B-Side

Posted February 6, 2007 at 12:24 pm

creÂ·vasse (krÄ-vÄs’) Pronunciation Key
n.
A deep fissure, as in a glacier; a chasm.
A crack or breach in a dike or levee.

BOO-YA
24

mo_knows

Posted February 6, 2007 at 12:50 pm

Nice, B-Side!!
25

jc7676

Posted February 6, 2007 at 1:26 pm

LC and Heidi looked trashed when they talked to spencer on the phone.

Clearly they were at the club longer than we saw.
26

HoneyBunny

Posted February 6, 2007 at 1:27 pm

I didn’t think there could be an asswipe bigger than Jason…but then came Spencer. How about Team Douchenozzle?

(love the Boo-Ya b-side)

hb
27

em

Posted February 6, 2007 at 2:43 pm

How perfect is it that Spencer’s last name is “Pratt.”
28

SoTotallyRandom

Posted February 6, 2007 at 3:35 pm

hey y’all – i don’t watch this show on a regular basis, but saw snippets in the gym. can someone PLEASE explain to me how an ass such as spencer is featured? is he from $$? it can’t be his looks or personality.

Spencer Pratt is icky.
29

D-Bag

Posted February 6, 2007 at 4:53 pm

I’m guessing that MTV reenacted Max’s scene on the phone after they realized all of the toolshed gold they received at Cafe Prana. Neither his clothes nor his hair match the scene at the restaurant.

And to answer another poster’s question. A lot of people order breakfast all day long in Los Angeles. Spencer probably just woke up.

And Heidi will dump Spencer once her “music” is finished.

I also don’t understand why these relatively attractive young women date these abortions. I also don’t understand why women in the South date beer-bellied NASCAR fans, women in the east date Guidos and women in the midwest date unemployed wife-beaters. Every region appears to have their own kind of douchebag.
30

antebellum

Posted February 6, 2007 at 4:58 pm

LC must be pretty insecure to buy into Brody’s lines the way she does. I understand Jason pretty much did destroy her, but I feel really sorry for her in this situation. If any guy, whether I was dating him or not, laid on the compliments that thick, I would be really creeped out and probably figure he just wanted to get into my pants. I think that’s the case with Lauren, except she keeps falling for it. Although, maybe I’m wrong about Brody – it’s hard to say.

I don’t even know what to say about Spencer. He is just awful, awful, truly worthless. I never thought I would miss Heidan. However, Heidi and Spencer’s name can be Heider. Or Spendi. Yeah, Spencer’s pretty Spendi.
31

carizzle

Posted February 6, 2007 at 5:05 pm

I rememeber when show launched and read something about Whhhhitney being from Missouri. Can anyone else confirm?
32

carizzle

Posted February 6, 2007 at 5:24 pm

I remember reading somewhere when the show launched that our amazing-k friend Wh-wh-whitney was from Missouri. Can anyone confirm?
33

Ms. Fred

Posted February 6, 2007 at 6:27 pm

Ok, I’ve been mulling this comment over and over…but I’m just going to say it. And I’m scared, I’ll admit. Because it’s a total departure from everything I know and understand. I think I’ll somehow be different, once it’s out there, but I guess that’s just the risk one takes when one decides to put such a radical new thought out into the public arena.

Here goes…

Spencer Pratt…is a bigger fuckstick than Kevin Federline. OH MY GOODNESS! AHHHHHHHH! I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST SAID SOMEONE IS A BIGGER FUCKSTICK THAN K-FED!!!

Hitler, grab a parka. Cause it’s gonna be a cooooolllld one tonight.
34

simper1

Posted February 6, 2007 at 6:42 pm

There is a comment on IMDb from a guy who apparently also had a fight with Spencer Pratt. You might have to register to read it.

I really don’t get how this idiot gets so much airtime. And now he’s Heidi’s manager? I guess she’s still using her prized sense of judgment.
35

Chee-Z-TeeVee Addict

Posted February 6, 2007 at 6:53 pm

OK, Spencer HAS to be related to some kind of studio connection in LA.

I think he’s actually out-douche-bagged Tyler from RW: Key West. And I REALLY despise that asshole. He is a total narcissistic pig, and the fact that he’s on round 2 in attempting reality tv fame is seriously pathetic. Especially since he thinks the way to do it is by behaving like a class A fuckweasel.

As for Heidi and Lauren picking assholish men, it’s a phase. I think we all do it at some point or another, I just think that the level of douche-baggery in LA is a standard and that it’s hard to find normal people. That club scene seems to be comprised of star-fuckers, fame-sluts, and low-lifes who supply the E-Listers with coke (yeah, I’m talkin’ about you 8-Bahl).

I thought the scene with Matt was completely ridiculous, I’ll bet if Spencer hadn’t been wigging out about Heidi and Audrina having dinner it wouldn’t have happened. He’s a real class act, I haven’t seen action like that since the 8th grade cheerleading squad. And it was pretty fucking stupid then too.
36

Chee-Z-TeeVee Addict

Posted February 6, 2007 at 6:58 pm

Oh yeah, and even though Lauren is probably a little star-struck, and enamored of Brody Jenner – I’ll bet good money that her parents won’t be.

Parents can smell sleaze a mile away when it comes to their daughters, and it really doesn’t matter how famous the guy is. Katie Holmes’ parents are a good example of that theory. You just KNOW they’re waiting for Xenu to claim TC for the mothership.
37

littlebug

Posted February 6, 2007 at 11:00 pm

Un-beee-lievable, I couldn’t contain my laughter watching how Spencer and Brody were so clearly disappointed with the girls arrival and how it subsequently ALMOST ended their evening w/the playmates. And how funny that Spencer was just like F it whatever and trying to leave until Heidi stopped him, yet he still left with the playmates, or so we were led to believe. Poor Heidi! After 3 seasons of being featured in Laurens shows, shes still looking like a fool on reality television.
38

Adria

Posted February 7, 2007 at 1:28 am

Excellent recap. But I can’t believe you didn’t include Spencer’s incredible threat to Max that he would “see him at the clubs.”

Maybe he was challenging Max to a dance off?

I hand to rewind that part because I was so amazed that anyone could be lame enough to say that with a straight face.
39

AC

Posted February 7, 2007 at 6:51 am

Did anyone notice during the opening scene at the pool that LC had a red Kabbalah string around her wrist?
40

maybeimamazed02

Posted February 7, 2007 at 7:50 am

Oh pleeeeeeeease let there be a Max/Spencer dance-off!

“When you’re a douche/you’re a douche all the way/from your first puffy hair/to your last shirt that’s gay…”

Don’t forget, the Midwest also has frat boys as well as unemployed wife beaters. They are a douchebag race all their own, trust me.
41

sxb

Posted February 7, 2007 at 8:01 am

Spencer will have been ROBBED if he doesn’t win “Most Punchable” at the TVgasm awards next year.

And yet, thanks to him, this one episode of The Hills had more entertainment value than the entire previous season of LB. All of those LB3 kids were too subdued and not into the TV fame thing at all. It needed some real famewhore douchebags like our boy Spence to liven it up.

Oh, and I can’t believe no one’s mentioned this Heidi quote about her upcoming album from the Us article.

“It will be the Pussycat Dolls-meets-Gwen Stefani, with a dose of Fergie.”

In other words, it will be all things AWFUL.
42

mandymax

Posted February 7, 2007 at 1:27 pm

AC – I did notice the Kabbalah string. She was wearing it at Teen Vogue, too. I was wondering if that’s what it was – glad I wasn’t the only one who saw it.
43

askingautumn

Posted February 7, 2007 at 1:41 pm

I have still have yet to see this episode. I just follow the recaps which are hilarious as always!

It’s really sad that Heidi’s such a famewhore now. How the fuck can spencer be her manager/boyfriend?? Yeah, that’s really going to work out for her.

Oh!! I went to see “Epic Movie” with my husband two nights ago and fucking Lauren is in the movie!! We were the only ones in the theatre and I went “Oh my fucking god!” really loud haha. Definitely see the movie or rent it when it comes out on dvd to check her scene out. It’s a short one but it’s funny nonetheless.
Later guys.
44

omj75

Posted February 7, 2007 at 1:52 pm

Over the last few episodes I realized that Lauren has really grown out of that awkward teenage stage and really “grown up”. For a girl with really natural good looks I can’t understnad two things. 1) Why is she interested in these shit birds who crap all over her? There has to be a decent hardworking guy in LA. Secondly, Why doesn’t she do any modeling?
45

B-Side

Posted February 7, 2007 at 5:27 pm

omj75 — in terms of modelling, I did notice at the supermarket that Lauren was on the cover of Cosmo Girl this month. That’s gotta count for something, right?
46

moodylupin

Posted February 7, 2007 at 6:34 pm

Link to what LC said about being in EPIC MOVIE

Now that’s why I like LC, haha.
47

ABC Girl

Posted February 8, 2007 at 7:17 am

Lauren is now modeling, she’s been picked as the face for Avon’s “mark” cosmetics.

Heide’s a singer? Never saw that coming…

Audrina rocks. Someone needs to hire her as the pretty girl in a few movies– she’ll capitalize on her reality fame for a little while and if she’s smart she’ll invest her earnings wisely and live comfortably into old age.

Spencer sucks. And unfortunately I remember Brody Jenner from a show that lasted just a few epsiodes called “Princes of Malibu”. On the show we saw Brody and his brother at their “finest”: lazy ass rich spoiled kids who whored around all day and wasted their parent’s money. The show was so embarrassingly bad that it was cut from FOX very quickly and their stepdad David Foster filed for divorce from the Jenner boys’ mom soon afterward. Yes, the show was THAT BAD. Don’t let the sweet side Brody is showing now fool you, LC. Brody’s a total manwhore.
48

maybeimamazed02

Posted February 8, 2007 at 9:58 am

I was singing part of the MAD TV sketch when I watched this episode: “no one learns/no one grows/they just get drunk and fight!”

I think Spencer has seen Fight Club one too many times. The only issues with that are: 1) he’s not hot, 2) he’s not tough, 3) he’s not witty, 4) he’s a douche.
49

the_baddest_bitch

Posted February 8, 2007 at 1:32 pm

I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said about Spencer. He is a greasy little weasel and that fucking perma-grin on his face makes me want to slap the taste out of his mouth. Area is located directly behind my apartment building, and I am so tempted to walk over there and kick that little bitch right in the nuts! He is probably THE most repugnant little shit that I have ever seen. Though unlike another commenter, I don’t know if even Spencer can top Tyler from the Real World. I would like to put both of those whores in a shit-filled space shuttle and send them far far away. I actually kind of pissed just writing this. Spencer may go down today if I can find that little Jack-o-Lantern.
Brody – totally fake, but the kid is fucking hot. It’s true.
Audrina – don’t get the appeal. She’s cute until she opens her mouth, then those giant horse teeth take over her face and it’s all over.
Whitney – cute girl, but I called it last week that she has a strange way of turning “ing” to “zink” ANNOYING!!!
Alright, I’m going to fuck up Spencer now.
50

omj75

Posted February 8, 2007 at 3:16 pm

Thanks B-Side! Good for her. Got to make hay when the sun shines, and these are her wonder years. Keep up the great work B-Side.
51

lovedoctor

Posted February 11, 2007 at 1:55 pm

I have realized what is so utterly offensive about Spencer’s face. His mouth is perpetually agape, and you can see his complete set of teeth, upper and lower, at all times. Very distracting. Incidentally, I think Audrina has a similar case of the round open mouth syndrome.

Not totally sure – when Audrina asked Heidi if she had been with Spencie 2 or 3 saturdays ago, was she asking if they were literally together in the same place, or was she asking if they were even dating 2 or 3 saturdays ago? I couldn’t wrap my head around that one, especially wondering how Heidi could have already had sex with the guy, had a pregnancy scare, and moved on to the next weekend’s adventures….. Not to get too wrapped up in the science of it all, but we are talking at LEAST 3-4 weeks time to cover all of that!

I think Heidi and Spencie’s “breakfast” together was either another out-of-order editing faux pas or else he just wanted to be able to say the phrase “MUSCLE breakfast” out loud to impress Heidi. By the way, although I think she was pretending to be horrified by his reprehensible behavior toward Max (duly noted, no longer in his hospital in-patient attire), she was secretly thrilled to have her “cool” and very “tough” boyfriend standing up for her. Not depressing at all!
52

DonAntonio

Posted February 12, 2007 at 10:09 pm

Thank you, lovedoctor, for pointing out something that has been bothering me. Heidi’s only been dating that douche for 2-3 weeks, yet she’s already had a pregnancy scare? Uh, not buying it.

And is it me, or did Max flip the bird on his way across the street?
53

porcelain

Posted February 13, 2007 at 1:18 pm

Oh yes Max definitely flipped Spencer the bird
54

CMC

Posted February 27, 2007 at 1:40 pm

I’m so excited to have our dear, sweet LagunaConsultant back on the boards!!!! You were greatly missed¦it just wasn’t the same without you. Welcome back!

I’ve mentioned this in the past but I feel it bears repeating “ I think Jen has always been somewhat jealous of Lauren. I know in this particular instance with Brody, Heidi was the instigator, but going back to the “old” Laguna days, Jen has behaved in a way (with respect to Lauren) that I have found somewhat questionable.

At the infamous fashion show when Jason was kissing Jessica, she scolded Lauren for “being such a bitch to Jessica.” Lauren was dealing with a lot at that particular moment and what does her supposed friend do? She reprimands her in defense of the “other woman.” Way to show your support Jen!

Later in that same episode, Jen was heard asking Lauren if she was all right in an almost exaggerated kind of way. I didn’t perceive her questioning of Lauren to be out of concern for her friend, but rather in the hopes of Lauren having an emotional breakdown. It just seemed as if Jen wanted to hear Lauren say how upset she was about Jason kissing Jessica. Let’s face it, oftentimes that’s what jealous people do “ they take pleasure in another person’s unhappiness especially when it’s someone of which they are envious.

I agree with everyone else, Brody has no interest in Jen¦he just likes the camera time along with that other Ã¼ber loser, SpongeBob SquareHead.
55

Spring

Posted December 12, 2007 at 4:42 am

This is my favorite recap ever. I literally laughed out loud until the tears poured down my face while I read all about the “Spencer Assault”. You are my favorite person ever, B-Side.
56

WizeChiklet

Posted November 9, 2009 at 11:17 pm

Here I am reading very old recaps, but I saw some reruns on the telly and figured I’d give ‘em a scan.

Anyway, wasn’t Heidi’s Mom in Colorado? Hence the flight…
57

WizeChiklet

Posted November 9, 2009 at 11:18 pm

.. hehe, if I’d READ, I see you corrected yourself.
*ahem*.

As you were….