After spending Sunday knee-deep in football and manly Americana (truck commercials, beer commercials, phallic half-time performances), it was time to replace the afterglow of a great Super Bowl with the petty joy of Lauren, Heidi, and the rest of the hooligans on The Hills. Quite honestly, it was the perfect companion piece to the big game. Both had intrepid heroes (Peyton and Heidi), historical meetings (Tony and Lovie, Heidi and Audrina), and, of course, frustrating jerks (Rex and Spencer). In many ways, some might say this latest episode of The Hills was the Super Bowl of MTV. I would not disagree — especially after the glorious altercation that ignited the first act of the show, much like an electric kick return for a touchdown. So many parallels…This week’s episode began with Lauren and Heidi hanging out at the pool, talking about — you guessed it — boys. LC’s greatest stress was whether or not to continue with Brody Jenner. On the one hand, she liked him. But on the other hand, she wasn’t sure if she had the energy to go through the whole “dating” process. “I feel like Jason broke me,” she said, adding, “He just would not shut up! The constant blabbing! It was capital gains tax this; foreign policy that. I swear, the only time I could get any peace was when The News Hour was on!”
As for Heidi, she announced rather casually that she would be having dinner with Audrina that night. Wh-wh-wha?? Might there be mending in the air? Where did this come from? Lauren asked if it would just be the two of them, and we learned that yes, indeed, it was to be a “solo mish.” How dangerous — treading solo into the lair of THE DRINA! Let’s hope Heidi can tame this horrid Pinkberry beast and return happiness to the world at last!
After the opening credits, we then found Heidi at Bolthouse Productions, where everyone was busy clicking their mouses and attempting to seem mildly bothered. It was kind of what CTU might look like if it were run by coke-snorting hipsters. Anyway, Heidi marched into Brent’s office and announced that she would be visiting her mother to celebrate her birthday, and upon hearing this Brent merely mumbled back that she’d have to use vacation days. It all seemed fairly excessive, especially considering that Heidi hails from Laguna Beach, just a mere hour’s drive away. However, things on The Hills don’t always make sense; so I was willing to just move on.
Well, Heidi returned to her seat where some massively faux-hawked co-worker named Max called her up and informed her that he’d been recently reprimanded for his clothing and that she should be careful because her outfit might not be totally appropriate for the office either. Thank goodness for Max. Without him, Heidi might never have remembered that Bolthouse is a Business-Skank office, not Business-Slut.
“Soon… Soon she shall join my polka dot army.”
We then headed over to Teen Vogue where Whitney was busy asking a million questions about Brody Jenner. “Did he even try to kiss you that night?” she asked Lauren, who didn’t seem incredibly eager to dish the dirt. Of course, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Brody would make a pass; so Wh-Wh-Wh-Whitney moved to her follow up question: “Was he a good kisser?”
WELL! Lauren recoiled with faux-disdain and informed her dear co-worker that such details would not be liberally shared throughout the offices of Teen Vogue. “I’m a lady!” she insisted. “I don’t kiss and tell!” That’s right. She merely kisses and broadcasts… to the whole MTV viewing audience.
Once this meaningless scene had run its course, we then headed back to Heidi, who was now eating lunch with the man of the hour, Spencer Pratt. Our girl mindlessly babbled on about how she had asked Brent if there was a dress code and how he said no and then when he asked who had told her that, she said Max (way to narc out the guy who was giving you a heads up!). Anyway, it didn’t seem like anything too noteworthy, but Spencer was not pleased. Not pleased at all! After ordering his “muscle breakfast,” he seethed, “I cannot wait to see little Max up in the club and tell him his outfit looks a little inappropriate, and he needs to go!” GOOD ONE! Max will surely be devastated by Spencer’s undeniably acerbic wit! His words sting like the lashing of a cat-o-nine-tails!
Heidi then announced that she would be having dinner with Audrina, a development that nearly caused Spencer to choke on his water. Almost immediately, he seemed to launch into nervous, damage control mode. He alerted Heidi repeatedly that Audrina was her mortal enemy and anything she might say would be totally untrustworthy and she’d only start making up stories to get back into Heidi’s good graces and so on and so on. Clearly, Spencer was just afraid that Audrina would reveal him to be the dickwad that he is — relaying all the things he’s said behind Heidi’s back.
Of course, when it comes to exposing Spencer’s douchebag tendencies, there was no need to consult with Audrina. All Heidi needed to do was sit back and watch her boyfriend unload on poor Max. Yes, in a joyous turn of events, Heidi’s co-workers Max and Elodie walked swiftly by the table, causing Spencer to mutter, “I’m done with that kid!” Yes, Max and his ruthless, sartorial barbs! He must be silenced!
Well, Spencer walked right up to a surprised Max and told him, “Don’t comment on how Heidi dresses! We all, everybody I hang out with, love the way she dresses!” And since Spencer & Co. are clearly the taste makers of Los Angeles, Max would do well to heed his opinions! Surely if Spencer and everyone he hangs out with love the way Heidi dresses, then that automatically makes it workplace appropriate. Besides, who was this Max person in the first place?
“You’re an intern, bro!” Spencer said. Hey, at least Max has a job (or something resembling a career path).
Turns out that Max wasn’t actually an intern. He was an assistant at Bolthouse Productions. No matter. Spencer still could pull rank. “You’re assistant to my boy!” he charged, as if that meant anything to anyone.
Understanding that he should probably avoid any confrontation, lest it affect his work, Max merely agreed to not talk about Heidi’s wardrobe and then walked away, patting Spencer on the shoulder in the process.
Well, YOU DO NOT TOUCH THE SPENCER! “Don’t touch me!” he barked, his perma-grin momentarily fading. Apparently, Spencer’s muscle breakfast came with a side of ‘roid rage. Even better, he then announced to the entire café, “He just touched me! That’s assault!” Way to go, tough guy. Someone puts his hand on your shoulder, and suddenly it’s assault. I never realized Spencer was so delicate. Spoiled, yes. But delicate — that’s a shock. Maybe we should put him in a bubble, lest any other violating forces deign to make physical contact with him and crush his fragile skeleton. He already has a class action suit against thirty mosquitos.
“Don’t think you can lightly graze my shoulder and get away with it, bub!”
Spencer then stomped after Max, taunting him by saying, “You’re a cool guy with your orange shades, bro!” Hey, at least they’re better than the douchebag smile consistently plastered on your face (am I really standing up for Max? Really?).
When the insults failed to elicit a desired response, Spencer then resorted to idle threats, asking, “Do you have any idea what I’m gonna do to you, homeboy?” Hmmm… let me guess. You’ll get Max’s face long enough for him to finally shove you away, you’ll clutch your shoulders, accuse him of felonious battery, and have Daddy’s lawyers run Max out of the city.
Anyway, apparently Max had rightfully called Spencer a tool, and apparently, that violated some very specific zoning laws. “Do you think you can call somebody a tool in L.A.?” he asked as if there was a local ordinance against the pejorative use of the word “tool.” Yes, this is a decent town. We don’t call people “tools” here. How barbaric!
“You think I like this? You think I like watching you with Heidi when I know you could be with me? Don’t you love me anymore, Spence?”
Eventually, the fight hits a rut when the guys wind up saying “‘Scuse me!” for ten minutes straight.
Finally, Heidi pulled Spencer away, who amusingly insisted, “I was being nice until he called me a tool.” Yes, the epitome of graciousness and class. You know, they’d never mistake Spencer’s warm gestures at Don Antonio’s. Never!
Well, Elodie was still stickin’ around, but she realized that she needed to probably catch up with her lunch buddy, Max. She darted out of there, but not before Spencer swamped her with an awkward, unwelcomed hug. Elodie could not have been less enthused. Her body language was what I imagined I’d be like if I were forced to embrace a giant slug.
After the commercial break, we found Whitney and Lauren back at their messy closet of an office, picking out clothing for an upcoming birthday party. Turns out Whitney didn’t have time to shop for an outfit; so she was going to borrow one from Teen Vogue instead. How lovely! I wonder if she’ll fall down in the process?
Lauren then informed her that Heidi and Audrina would be having dinner together, causing Whitney to exclaim, “THAT’S SO GREAT!!!” She then promptly fell on her ass.
Speaking of the girls, we then found Heidi and Audrina eating dinner at the decidedly un-Don Antonio’s Mexican restaurant, Lucy’s El Adobe Café. The two gabbed about the whole situation, with Heidi saying how she was kind of annoyed about the whole birthday party incident, which was then followed by Audrina showing up at a club with Spencer. Of course, this was highly amusing because Heidi essentially exposed the show’s faulty timeline (we’d been led to believe that the club drama occurred before the birthday drama).
Anyway, the girls continued to blab away, with Heidi explaining how difficult it was for her because no one seemed to understand what it was like when Spencer would look at her in that special way. Or as I like to call it, that “I give this look to every girl” way. Audrina then curiously asked Heidi, “Were you still with him two or three Saturdays ago?” She then added, “Because I had sex with him then. I hope that’s not a problem or anything.”
Actually, they didn’t have sex, BUT Spencer did apparently call Audrina. Dunh dunh DUNH! Don’t worry; Audrina didn’t call him back or anything (she was busy gettin’ her vapid on). Nevertheless, this frustrated poor Heidi, who didn’t know what to think about her boy now. One thing was for sure: Audrina was back in the fold. Sound the trumpets! Now she can go back to being that girl that we don’t care about.
Later, Heidi relayed all this to Lauren in one of their late-night couch talks (the 2007 answer to cheesecake on The Golden Girls). The two gabbed for a while, with Heidi reiterating that she was sick of people telling her to be careful with Spencer. Luckily, Lauren had some sage advice: “They don’t see the way he looks at you!” Okay, you girls have to settle down with this whole “look” thing. In case you haven’t realized, he has only one expression — and it’s not unlike a gingerbread man. Don’t be fooled!
LC then came to a stunning conclusion: “I don’t completely trust Spencer, but I trust that he likes you.” GREAT! That settles that! To the kitchen for cheesecake!
We then moved into strange territory as Lauren, one of the most established Masters of the Laguna / Hills pantheon, watched as Heidi packed her bags for her upcoming visit with her mom. That’s right — a Master observed packing, and as we all know, it is solely the sidekick’s job to witness packing. Did this mean Lauren was a sidekick now? Didn’t seem right… or even possible. Maybe Masters have an exemption whereas they are allowed to watch other Masters pack. I’ll have to chew on that for a while.
Anyway, the most exciting part of this whole scene was that Heidi found a pair of long-missing, but never-forgotten tweezers in the dark crevasses of her suitcase. Their return elicited utter joy from Heidi, who reacted as if she had just been reunited with her long lost sister. And speaking of missing, where was her little pooch, Bella? Probably tucked away in the toiletries pocket of the suitcase, quietly hoping to be swept back into civilization like a much-loved pair of tweezers.
One tweezer to rule them all…
“So shiny, so beautiful. My precious…”
Well, Heidi asked Lauren if she was going to go out to Area without her, and LC replied that she probably wouldn’t, mostly because it would be weird to go without Heidi. Hmmm… sounds very sidekicky. I refuse to admit that Lauren might be turning into a sidekick, but all the signs are pointing in that direction. My life is about to be turned upside down…
Of course, the only reason why Heidi was asking about Lauren’s plans was because she wanted someone to spy on Spencer over the weekend. And for good reason. Just at that moment, Spencer was hanging out at Brody’s condo (a considerable upgrade from the J-Wahl/Jordan/Brian domicile from last season). After lamenting the recent dearth of females on his MySpace page, Spencer then announced that several Playmates would be joining up with the guys for their night out. Two seconds later, the blondies and one or two douchebags in trucker hats all arrived, moving Spencer to toast, “To the most beautiful human beings I’ve ever been with!” He then added, “DO NOT TOUCH ME! THAT IS ASSAULT!!!!”
Meanwhile, back at the Hillside Villas, we found Lauren, Jen, and Heidi getting ready in front of a mirror. But what about Heidi’s travel plans? Not so much. She casually mentioned, “I can’t believe I missed my flight!” Huh? She need a flight from Los Angeles to Laguna? Oh, those hectic forty-five mile routes! Actually, my assumptions were apparently incorrect. Her mom was in Colorado, hence the vacation time and airport visits. Personally, I was a little doubtful that there even was a flight in the first place. We didn’t see Heidi putting any clothes in her bag, we didn’t see her at the airport, and we didn’t see her looking particularly broken up over the missed flight. I’m calling shenanigans.
Of course, there were two fringe benefits to all this. A) Heidi could now surprise Spencer at the club and discover that he’s as big of a dirtbag as everyone says. B) Order could be restored as the presence of Jen reminded us that she was the sidekick, not Lauren.
Anyway, Jen continued her aggressive quest to be the world’s best sidekick by eagerly plotting out Heidi’s stealth attack on Spencer. “Perfect!” she said of Heidi’s unexpected return, “Because he thinks you’re gone, but you won’t be gone!” Insert “Mwwhahahahah!” here (and then add three layers of makeup).
After the break, we then went to Area nightclub where Spencer was dancing like an idiot with all the Playmates. He later chatted it up with one of the girls, who informed him that she’d be posing for a naked picnic the next day. This excited Spencer, whose grin when from THIS to THIIIIS. “Next time I’m coming back here, we’ll do a naked picnic,” the girl told him.
Well, Spencer could not have been more excited. He kept going on about the naked picnic, saying “I’ll pack the whole lunch!” and “I’m so excited about our naked picnic.” He then added, “The picnic will be great — as long as no one touches me. Because that’s assault.”
Meanwhile, at the front of the club, Heidi and the girls walked in, but not before a co-worker named Kristen told her Spencer was inside with “two blonde sluts.” Heidi’s face dropped so quickly, you’d think someone had told her that her tweezers had gone missing again. Well, time for an ambush!
Just as Spencer was sweet talking more of the Playmates, in walked the girls, with LC giving a happy, gotcha!-laden “SURPRISE!” Spencer slowly rose from his seat, his mouth gaping open (but grinning, as usual). This was his “Oh shit.” smile, and even though he seemed happy on the outset, he immediately needled Heidi with all sorts of passive-aggressive comments, jokingly (but not really) accusing her of laying a super sneaky trap. Had he not been doing anything wrong (ie. aiming to bed a Playmate), he probably wouldn’t have automatically assumed this was a sting operation, but the guilty conscience spoke for itself, and Heidi was noticeably upset by it. She excused herself to go to the bathroom, causing Spencer to call out, “Why you being so rude?” Oh god. I’m seriously running out of ways to humorously call him a douchebag.
Sure enough, in the bathroom, one of the models told Heidi that Spencer was hitting on every girl in the club, which was enough to merit a good ol’ fashioned Storm-Out-Of-Area exit. Spencer tried to smooth things over by saying, “Heidi, give me a hug,” but his kind gesture went unreciprocated. Instead, Heidi hopped in a cab and barked, “Lauren, get in the car!” Never mind Jen, who clearly wasn’t cool enough to ride in the Master Taxi back to Hillside Villas.
Back at the apartment, we found Lauren chiding Spencer on the phone while Heidi bawled on the couch. “I had to pick up the phone like I picked up my best friend and carried her up the stairs,” LC scolded, again acting entirely too sidekick-ish for my tastes. Eventually, Lauren hung up and sat in a mildly sapphic position with Heidi, the two comforting each other after this hellish night. Oh, I should mention that Brody was also at the club, but since he and Lauren had a charmingly sweet interaction, it wasn’t really worth discussing. Tonight was all about the douchebags, not the romantics.
I love when The Hills turns into a gritty Sundance movie.
Anyway, once he got off the phone with Lauren, Spencer returned to the girls he was with and said, “Let’s go, Team Playmates!” ENOUGH WITH THE TEAMS ALREADY! Soon he’s gonna practically have a league. Here’s my favorite: Team SHUT THE HELL UP!
What did you think about tonight’s tumultuous episode?