THE HILLS: April Fools! I’m off birth control.

This is what a no-carb diet and PMS looks like

This Hills episode, an extra dose of FUCKING APESHIT. Broahday, Kristin and Jayde all schedule lunchley meet and greets and get all up in each others’ businesses. And, HBUD STILL wants a baby, and will stop at NOTHING to get what her hormonal, surgery-laden 23 year old self wants. Plus, did I mention lots of lunch dates? Yeah, there are.

Okay, I gotta cut to the chase because there’s a LOT to make fun of on this episode of THE HILLS.

First off, Kristin and Broahday are at Grub, reminiscing about when they dated. That seems to be their preferred date activity, aside talking about Brody’s science experiment of a mother.

Remember when I wore your Mom’s clothes? That was the best day of my LIFE.

Then they talk some more about not fighting and old times and other irrelevant bullshit. Oh, and Broahday drinks from his big gay sippy straw cup.

yes, it IS noteworthy.

Kristin pops into the conversation the strange and amusing factoid that Jayde wants to sit down and talk to her over drinks or collagen injections. Hmmm..Broday doesn’t think this is a good idea. REALLY? What could possibly go wrong, besides someone’s plastic surgically de-hanced nose being bitch slapped into the next zip code?

Oh, and apparently Broahday and Jayde have been a-talkin’ over serious matters like fighting and fucking (aka, the eternal struggle of man). They MIIIGHT be getting back together, eh? Sorry, K Dogg. Maybe the Broah-man has a friend who isn’t such a playboy centerfold-fucking douche. Or, hey, what about a normal dude? Just sayin.’

OH MAN, then HBUD goes back to that hack psychotherapist’s office that her and Spencey went to before they were married, you know, to combat the Stacie issue. What? The therapist looks like the villain/sister from so I married an axe murderer.

Uh, how much did they pay her to figure out the mind of the Pratt couple? It must be a lot of money, because figuring them out is a lot like putting a stamp on an envelope, only the evelope is republican and has had a lot of plastic surgery. Or, figuring Spence and HBUD is like…making eggs. Only the eggs are aryan and constantly seeing monetary opportunity in others’ strife.

Well, GEEZ! I WISH I was licensed in California! (giggle)

Christ, all aboard the crazy train.

SOOOO- HBUD wants to have kids sooner (like in the next week and a half) rather than later (like, not like when she’s an old lady at 24, GROSS!). BUT, HBUD has been told Spencer doesn’t want kids ever. But like, she thinks he wants kids in the deepest parts of his Christian, republican heart even though he like, totally is saying no. And like, isnt’ taking it back or being like, “April Fools!”

Uh-

Because, you know, if you like ask any 25 year old on a reality tv show who wears man-jewelery if they want kids, they’ll like, totally say no, right? which is what I think means yes, in like, husband-speak. Right?

Errg…

The therapist who is clearly confused/disgusted/made dumber by having HBUD in the room tries to get a word in about being on the same page about things before getting hitched.

HBUD retorts, YEAH, but We’re married. SO….we’re here. Nice.

Give me answers that involve going off birth control or I will CUT YOU.

then HBUD reveals her, like, master plan: GO OFF HER BIRTH CONTROL, HAVE THE BABY, and see what her fucking HUSBAND DOES. Uhhh…sooo….?

Um.

This bitch needs to tell HBUD that she’s been eating loads of CRAZY JUICE and needs to not be such a babycrazed, deceitful psycho. But you know, this is television. And what happens on television? People being assholes or people being spineless. And people saying polite things instead of force-feeding other people their birth control.

HBUD want baby. HBUD no understand.

Man, therapists. All about feelings. They never make you do shit.

At the big gay bar somewhere in Hollywood, Gremlin, that sorta cute friend and Broahday are all talking about Broahday’s looove triangle. Everyone likes Kristin more than Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, probably because she looks way less like a sea monkey who got punched in the face by the big boob monster.

More rehash rehash rehash about events we already heard about. Bo-ring.

But then- it’s a clash of bitches at Citizen Smith. Beware, Fetal Alcohol. Kristin’s wily intellect is really no match for yours.

Jayde no understand.

Kristin makes a pretty rational argument that Jayde was being a dumbass for coming up and starting a fight in the club- and nobody’s top was even ripped off for publicity’s sake. Geez, Jayde.

I didn’t even get to show the paparazzi my Jessica Simpson impression, you bitch!

It’s funny how Jayde’s potato-face tries to feign emotion in scenes like this. In the ends, she just ends up touching her hair and talking slower than usual.

Kristin exits with class by calling Jayde a bitch, which is true. But come on, the motto of the hills isn’t “truth,” but let’s act however we want because we are C list celebrities. Am I right?

Troll and Kristin have…uh, another lunch of some kind elsewhere. Wow, eyeliner is fascinating, but let’s get down to business. Right? And by business I mean OUR business, GOSSIP.

Yay, what I do best.

Ugh, this season is Slo-o-ooow. I mean, it’s just a rehashing of the fight we JUST saw, only with a troll involved. I DO like that LO called Jayde an “animal,” which she is. I mean, I totally saw fecal matter and peanut mash on her dress. Also, she takes a horse trailer home for thanksgiving. ANIMAL!

In ANOTHER one of these never-ending lunches on Melrose avenue, Blah Dead McTanny and Crazypants Wantsababy have another lunchey-lunchey time.

After Blah Dead tanny talking about how justin is a total Jerk (newsflash) then HBUD let it be known that some kid she likes to babysit told her her husband wanted to have a vasectomy and went to the doctor to get ‘er done. The BEST part about this conversation is HBUD’s unfamiliarity with the word “vasectomy.”

Vocab quiz next episode. Study up!

Then HBUD tells Tanny her MASTER PLAN of Stopping her birth control and MAKING SPencer have Aryan kids to dumb down/repopulate the earth. Okay, BLAH DEAD. Do me proud and call this bitch OUT!

Uhh…hehehehe.

Um, really? Only giggles to end this scene? No Shotguns? Man, Monamonzano never gets what she wants.

Then, Broahday and Jayde ass-animal-pants meet up. And hilariously, Jayde looks especially messed up/plastic surgeried. I love how my one big kick of this show is making fun of the characters’ fake extremities. It’s the only happiness I have…

Just call me semen-hair plastic face. Heh.

There are a lot of shut-ups in the conversation and a lot of mocking Jayde the idiot. Okay, I’m digging it. She should totally be a debater. She almost made Broahday jump off a building with her asanine arguing! And THEN, they get back together!!???? in this world, apparently, people can fuck with each other like little babies and get back together or HAVE babies. Welcome to non-adulthood hollywood sleazeville, America.

At Phillipe’s, which I thought was a famous LA sandwich shop (home of the french dip?) but turns out to be another douchey club, Kristin and Broahday chit-chat. And, it’s totally going well.

Especially for Kristin, our resident hero/boy snatcher.

Broahday tells Kristin he wants back into Jayde’s pussy. She’s naturally pissed, but hides it with “I just want you to be happy.” Suure.

In the den of lies, HBUD does it up with wine and a hoochie outfit. AND, get this…

THEY SAY GRACE.

AND

HBUD

THANKS

GOD

FOR

HER

OUTFIT.

Wow, if I have ever known a couple more ready to have a baby, the republican baby jesus can strike me dead.

Ulp?

Man, this dinner and this relationship are majorly fucked up. Spence is excited to get his humpy mchumperson on, but little does he know he’s married a borderline retarded psychopath. Is it possible?

It is on the Hills!

Ah Spencer, for once, you remind me of middle america and its values.

Mmm, pasta, apologies and subservience.

And that’s it, folks. Pray for me.

Because next time? Vegas, more pregnancy deception, and more moral and social ambiguety. FUNCAKES!