The Hills: Bitches, Boobs, Heels and Hair

Spencer contemplating his own cultural relevance

This week, the Hills Pills are back for season six, with just as much (if not more) staged drama than ever before! Kristin Calivarri returns to steal Justy Bobby and drama ensues with Blahdrina Dead Eyes and Stefanie “Bulimia” Pratt. Heidi and Spence go house shopping and Frankie the troll has a birthday…38? Just a guess. See it all here on THE HILLS!

Hey Bitches! Monamonzano here to bring you some freshly juiced hills remix (now in power form. Or was it always?). I know you Hills viewers are crazy into this show, and SO I WILL BE, TOO. BWAHHHHH! But seriously, my niacin flush is killing me. 5 Hour energy, you will pay for my spastic recap and propensity for urinary tract infections.

Anyhoo…we begin with a “previously on, the hills…” Man, Kristin sounds just as bored and lifeless as L.C.’s dumb voiceovers. God, it’s like I’m listening to cardboard.

…and looking at Satan.

For real, though- Kristin’s always been that bitch who will do whatever for the air time and hair straightening product. It’s like, let’s replace a lukewarm good girl with that bitch from Dynasty, only with a tan.

Nice pant suit

Ugh, Kristin.

hiss!

If I put out my hand as a gesture of peace, I would pull back a bloody stump with traces of tooth whitener and semen.

At the henhouse, blahdrina McDead Eyes, Troll and Bulimia all chit chat about the past. Apparently, Heidi and Spencer are throwing themselves a party, probably for being good republican Christians and congratulating themselves for going through their 100th gallon of hair bleach. Yay Aryan nation!

Blahdrina wants to know why Kristian was such a man-eater, and Troll tells Blahdrina all about how you know, in high school she dated some dudes that other people dated. Man, can I just say how Troll’s pointy little teeth scare me? Her wee, beady eyes are piercing. I thought no ugly people were allowed on this show?

hiss!

Ugh, but don’t get me started with bulimia, who looks like every pop star’s fat, semi-retarded older sister.

No, dummies. Two plus Two does equal seventeen. It’s science!

Troll goes on to say that Kristin isn’t afraid to get into anyone’s face and stand up for herself. Yeah, I know, strong women are scary and mean and should be shunned. Also, wow, does everyone really give a shit? I guess that’s the stuff that the Hills and dreams are made of.

Also, Blahdrina is looking more and more ridiculous with her frosted new do. Everyone is getting whiter and whiter and fading into the background of the hot LA sun. Yeah, I’m a fucking modern poet. Thanks, extra six Amstel lights!

I hope to bleach my entire body by 2012.

And the INTRO! Now with new and improved emphasis on Kristin, Bladrina and The living blow up doll that his Heidi Montag.

The show continues with Spencer and LBUD (Heidi) talking about having their fucking party and how Spencer bought Tequila, probably to get lots of girls drunk so that he can make his sex offender charges even longer than they are. LBUD giggles coyly and articulately talks about adulthood, e.g. no tequila. Spencer rebuffs with the fact that the tequila is expensive.

Then, they talk about Uganda for a while.

Let’s just say Spence and LBUD are super fucking happy everyone can come to their party and there’ll be no drama. LBUD is a little concerned that one of her implants might leak if she has too much fun, but is glad for the gathering.

Can you turn my head so it faces back toward the dashboard?

LBUD says that Kristin is like, totally single and Spence is concerned that Kristin is the real deal female player. Yeah, just like you were in the day, big man? Why don’t you put on that ridiculous cowboy hat for me, tool?

Brokeback Aryan

In Brody Jennerland, Fetal Alcohol Jayde is deciding whether to wear underwear or not to wear underwear.

That IS the question.

She’s not really interested in going to the party and meeting Kirstin, Brody’s ex. Ugh, isn’t everybody Brody’s ex? And Fetal Alcohol Jayde, weren’t you in playboy? Wow, apparently, the stereotype isn’t true…playboy bunnies can also be ridiculously protective, insecure, ass-puckered bitches.

Everything I’ve ever believed…is wrong.

At the party, everyone is being ridiculous on a rooftop.

Enter the douches, two

It’s ALWAYS classy to enter a post-wedding party with your bride and two bottles of tequila over your head. Man, Spencer should get a Nobel Prize in awesome.

Then, an unbelievably long segment of Kristin getting into her shiny BMW in Malibu (in high heels), driving, looking in her mirrors, putting on her seatbelt, farting, getting to the party, coming out of her BMW (in high heels), looking around coyly, brushing her hair, sunglasses, heels. This girl is all bitch, boobs, heels and hair.

I think this is Kristin, but it looks a lot like Heidi, Audrina, Lauren or Stephanie.

Ugh, this show is so ridiculous, but what makes my gut churn is LBUD and Spencer taking about being in the “Honeymoon stage” of marriage. Ugh, in forty years, these two will already be decomposing lumps of collagen, hair and diet coke. Enjoy, assholes. Enjoy.

We will. Long live George W. Bush.

Kristin arrives and says hi to everyone, despite meddling Bulimia saying she made a beeline right for Justin Bobby. Blah Dead-eyes gives her best stab at a sad face, but really just goes woodchuck face in the making. Damn you editors! Give me a better view! Blah Dead talks about “girl code,” but really, is Blahdrina really saying Kristin is her friend? Maybe in this made up universe. Sounds like a lame-o attempt at drama. Nice try, Blah Dead.

Bulimia, always obnoxious and concerned, goes up to Justin Bobby and asked if he “even said Hi to Blah dead.” Ugh, Bulimia needs a punch to her trachea, don’t you think? She always looks so goddamned concerned. What she really needs is HER OWN LIFE, and maybe some diet pills and a text book. You know, an academic textbook. Maybe middle school or high school, something challenging.

oh my god you guys! I’m just trying to have us all be friends! Will anyone sign my yearbook?

Then Bulimia overhears Kristin saying that Justin Bobby’s a “big boy.” Commence fighting. Christ, are they really all fighting over a guy who hasn’t bathed in weeks and who can’t, for the life of him, string together a sentence?

A mass of blond hair and angry

I love how Kristin has no qualms about calling these bitches out, though. Heh.

Shut your little woodchuck lips!

Then, they flip out.

Justin, blah blah blah, incoherent blather.

Then Blah Dead takes the high road (aka, doesn’t know what else to say and is bad with confrontation) and walks away, leaving Kristin in an alcohol and chemical-induced tizzy. Yes, I used tizzy.

This is my sad face.

Then Blah Dead and Bulimia go to this mediocre Thai restaurant by my house to discuss important matters like personal finance and education reform. Also, they talk about going to Frankie’s party and how Kristin is a bee-yotch. But hey, like Blah dead says, you can’t give Kristin the power to fuck shit up in one’s life. yeah, a quote from, like Aristotle, brought to you by Audrina Patridge. Am I insinuating Kristin got into a time machine and did Aristotle? Maybe.

Meanwhile, LBUD and Spencer are looking at a house in Brentwood.

Sorry, relator, I brought my douchebag husband along.

Ugh, for real, Spence? You look like George W. mixed with an Ed Hardy Store mixed with moonshine. YEEE-HAW.

The presumably very confused relator talks about there being a nursery-like room and Heidi, being 22 and all (HER BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING) jumps on that shit, but not after seeing the pool. Spencer mutters something about pools being hard to maintain, unlike his effortless cowboy look. Yeah, know what else is expensive, genius? Buying a house when you’re 25. Yeah, so shut the fuck up.

I would get ass-raped by Heath Ledger in this room.

Meanwhile, at some douchey trendy Taco place (because, let’s face it: it’s hard to find good, authentic Mexican food in Los Angeles) the gang celebrates Frankie’s birthday.

You remember Frankie? The other non-attractive person on this show. He’s more the Gremlin. If Troll and he hooked up, their babies would hatch out of eggshells and have pointy teeth.

Next season, on the Hills…

Also, remember Stacie, the conniving bartendress who tries to fuck Spencer (I know, why would ANYONE try to fuck Spency, except HBUD, who is presumably being held captive)? She’s at the party, too! Oh, joy!

Please, cash in!

Oh, and here’s the Gremlin of the hour:

Again: ugly people? Really?

Then Kristin comes right out with it, asking if the sought-after Justin Bobby is single or dating. He tells her that he’s single. The other girls at the good girl side of the table (Troll, Bulimia) have a little shit fit. The bad girls (Stacie, Kristin) are uh, just talkin’ shit and taking names. Then Kristin goes to watch the laker’s game at a different trendy place, because I bet she’s totally into sports and shit.

Alert someone: Troll and Gremlin’s genitals are touching.

At XIV, Kristin and Justin Bobby flirt some more, pretend to watch the game, flirt more switch seats, talk about Audrina, flirt some more, talk about motorcycles and Kristin does that weird open mouth smile that makes guys into goo, apparently.

VERY attractive.

Apparently, their “date” is official, or some such thing. These things are edited together SO WEIRDLY.

Spence and HBUD go look at another house in Hollywood. The house is one of those model homes, it’s GOT to be. Heidi is adequately disgusted, and in a brief window of articulation, calls the house “cold and modern.” Spence, then, punches her in the ovaries.

That wouldve hurt if I wasn’t made of plastic.

Hah- she calls the place a “porno pad,” too, but likes the coke-encrusted deck. Nature reminds Heidi of home. Okay….and Spencer tells her that he put the deposit down on the house! Yay! Porno pad with my wife! Awesome.

HBUD is again, disgusted and Spence, when he doesn’t know what the fuck to do, goes the open-mouth Kristin route.

Catching flies is a sign of a low I.Q.

Heidi says what is true, that it’s Spencer’s way or no way at all. Wow, Heidi, is Spencer letting you read books now? It seems like you’re getting somewhat better at expressing yourself in a way that doesn’t seem completely apeshit.

Spencer counters with “it’s my way or the lame way.” Wow, who wouldn’t want to be this 25 year old douchebag’s wife?

At Blah Dead’s house, the Hens get together to Bitch about Kristin.

Why do the Hens keep calling Kristin their girl friend? Obviously, she’d rather be pulling her hair out than listening to the deafening screeching of Bulimia, staring at Troll’s face or engaging in philosophical conversations with Blah Dead.

I shore do have purdy hair!

Blah talks about Kristin’s ego, which is definitely massive, but not as massive as the interest these girls have in bullshit events. Yawn.

Sooo….Justin Bobby McDirty and Kirstin go out on a date, at a restaurant called STK.

“Stickit To Kristin?”

Big ‘ol deal about both of them walking in separately, meeting for the big dayyyyyte. And what’s a sexy way to start out a sexy date? how about saying “I thought twice about coming here?” Wow, Kristin the Cassanova.

I can say that because I’M awesome.

Obviously, Kristin says, Blah Dead still has feelings for Justin Bobby. And SHE should know, even though she hasn’t dated anyone in years. Oh, you wise old sage, you.

No, but let me continue…

Kristin: woman, reality star, psychologist. She knows how the mind of a dame works. You want the one guy you can’t have, and that one guy for Blah Dead is Justy Bobby. Right? Someone give this bitch a Ph.D.

And can we take another look at the man these two chicks wanna bone?

Homeles- eighth-grader-hits-puberty much?

Kristin talks about how she’s a Capricorn, stubborn, clean with nice beds. Wanna try to break it in, Justin Bobby? Apparently, so. Man, Kristin doesn’t fuck around, does she? Nope. Part of her charm. And that’s how the episode ends! WOHOO!

But this season, we will see…

Kristin with Justy Bobby and Brody…baby drama…needless rehab! WOHOO times TWO!