The Hills: Bitches, “Breaks” and Medical Mistakes!

That’s my “bite your dick off” face.

This week on The Hills, Kristin hones her man huntin’ by courting Brody and his plastic surgery mishap of a mother. Jayde and Kristin have a quasi-fight at the kids’ favorite hangout, Playhouse and Spencer doesn’t know about the human body, or the logistics of a vasectomy! Ooops! Blah dead is still stupid, in other news.

This delightful episode of douchebag heights begins with…wha? Broahday and Kristin on a DATE? Yeah, I guess so.

To our fleeting youth.

Broahday keeps obnoxiously calling Kristin “Mrs. Bobby.” Very witty. I guess we should call you…Mr. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? Sorry, “EX- Mr. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.” The Witticisms keep coming!

Of Course, Kristin is wearing some kind of ruffled, beige debacle that makes her look like an aryan doily.

I liked it because it reminded me of Coral.

Obviously, Fetal Alcohol Jayde would be pissed if she knew about Kristin and Broahday eating scallops together. Giggle, giggle! These kids are like, totally naughty! Kristin is flirting with Broahday and he calls it out, though he’s not exactly shying away from it. Really? Was everything leading up to this?

It’s like my shoulder is getting eaten by a sponge.

And, cue “Unwritten.” Blarf.

At Casa Marriage is a social and pychological death and then some, Enzo is back over, AGAIN. Really, where the FUCK are this kid’s parents? HBUD can’t even tie her shoes much watch an underaged child. And Spence? Well, Enzo would look great inside a crusty ciabatta roll, with some honey dijon…

Then they bitch about babies: HBUD wants them, Spence does not. NO shit- isn’t that the ONLY thing they talk about nowadays? Does HBUD even have genitalia, or is it just smooth and shiny like a barbie doll down there?

Next, Blah Dead is boring Troll with news of…surprise! Another renedez-vous with this show’s most psychologically ineligible bachelor, Justin Bobby.

Don’t drop the diet coke, red straw…what?

Troll’s about ready to ring Blah-Dead’s neck with this bullshit. Blah dead keeps whining about the last time her and Justin Bobby met up, where he fed her some lines and (of course) she bought it. Troll, please hit her with your little munchkin hands. Do it for me…

it’s so fucking tempting…

Blah Dead doesn’t have “That” chemistry with anyone else, though! You know, the one that’s tinged with ambiguity and condescension! Ah, love.

At Casa Homewrecking whore, Kristin has her BEST BUD Stacie over again. You know, because she has nothing better to do. Wasn’t she once a bartender? Or like, at least a barback? Doesn’t she need, like another track of hair extensions put in, or something? Nope. Just eatin’ yogurt with Kristin.

Notice the prop books in the upper right hand corner!

it’s hard to navigate the complex mind of Brody Jenner. Right ladies? I know, so confusing. Is Kristin a rebound? A friend? A life partner? Or none of the above? Probably the latter, though I’m hoping he proposes during the season finale.

But even better- MAN, we get to hang with the GORGON that is Brody’s Mom. Man, this woman is like the cat lady, only with astringier hair weave.

And sorta looks like Fetal Alcohol Jayde. Odd.

Ahh, lunch with a living freak. I wonder what that’s like? Turns out, it’s a lot about talking about relationships and Laguna Beach. And Embarrassing Brody.

hiding his face from the cameras? This must be really bad.

No, THIS is really bad:

Note the douchey shirt and lack of soul. Like Mother like son!

For transitional purposes, the asses of waitresses.

Ah, hollywood.

Oh, this transition is extra special because it takes Spencer and Paul Bunyan to Beverly Hills for a vasectomy consultation. I like this scene a lot because it shows the depth of Spencer’s idiocy. But- I’m blowing my load (heheheh). They go to Dr. Safir’s office…

(plug plug)

Wow, this small waiting room isn’t big enough for these two douchebags. Spence starts by mocking the clipboard (what?).

But they can’t BOTH be Lenny in The Hills’ Production of “Of Mice and Men.”

So he meets with Dr. Safir and essentially tells the doctor how it is. You see, your urethra is like a faucet. When your dirty slut bitch baby-crazy wife wants to use that faucet for babymaking after two months of marriage, a man’s gotta snip his balls off and shut that bitch UP. Am I right? and then, when the bro in question wants some baby action, like in ten to twenty years, he can just take his nuts out of storage and sew those dudes back on. Right? Here’s twenty bucks for your time, Dr. Safir. And here’s my penis.

(head explodes)

Uh, the doctor says two words: “It’s permanent.” And, also spencer realizes that a vasectomy is um, a SURGICAL PROCEDURE. And, then Spencer leaves. Douchebags out the building yo! But not after saying to the very bored secretary “this is a torture place!” Nice getting the last word in, you blonde piece of shit.

Apparently, Holly got a job at Playhouse, that douchey club the kids like to hang out at.

Kidding! it’s a different dumb whore.

But they all really are at playhouse…Kristin, Broahday, lots of booze, Taylor (Broahday’s friend), Stacie and…..FETAL ALCOHOL? What the…? What a strange, uncanny coincidence! Ah, fate is a bitch.

Fetal Alcohol’s gaggle of playboy bitches incite her to take the high road. Unfortunately, there is no high road, in…the twilight zone! There’s only cat fights and dumb conversation fueled by alcohol. End

This will forever be known as the “Playhouse riots of 2009.”

End night, enter morning. Kristin and Broahday are mysteriously sharing and not sharing some coffee at Casa Kristin. It’s weird, are they even boinking? Or just talking about Boinking? Even Justin Bobby and Kristin shared a smooch at the old playhouse. Broahday does the same old word-slinging and saying how him and Jayde are over. Suuuure.

Spencer, Enzo and Paul Bunyon are all playing video games, talking about ball doctors. Enzo spills the beans when HBUD get home and Enzo gets a stern talking to by Paul Bunyan and his big blue shirt.

Talk=firm shaking when the cameras turn off

HBUD is pissed, but maybe she’s desensitized to Spencer’s off-camera beatings and ready to, maybe state her own opinions. She’s almost normal, in that she would be PISSED of Spencer got a secret vasectomy. Wow. I feel like i escaped crazytown for two seconds only to be slung back in by some bad manscaping and the dead eyes of our good friend blah dead…who are meeting. Again.

In true Justin Bobby form, after Blah Dead gives him a compliment he notices a piercing she’s always had and condescendingly says “rock n’ roll.” Also, he is wearing a leather jacket with no shirt underneath, so he cant possibly lend Blah dead his expensive trendy coat to wear if she, perchance, is cold.

In response, Blah Dead inarticulately puts her heart on her sleeve and says she wants to get back together with Justin Bobby, and he says Kristin forever changed him and he’s “not into it, KIDDO.” Ugh. THen he said that Blah Dead pushed him into Kristin, and it was all her fault, and also that she’s ugly and fat.

Everyone, just kill yourselves.

I mean, until next week!