This week on The Hills, Brody acts like a girl, the Monchichi acts like a child, and MTV continues to act like we’re all total idiots.
Even though LC has clearly large-barrel curling-ironed her hair and even though she’s wearing a dress that shows off her cleavage and even though they are having dinner alone at a place that looks like a Victoria’s Secret with couches, she and Brody are not on a date. Even though Frankie texts her a few times and Brody tells her to text back that she’s on a date, she’s still not on a date. LC tells Brody that she hasn’t been on a “real” date in a long time. Then Brody tells her what kind of guy she needs: a guy that who’s not “Mr. Perfect all the time” and kind of a “bad boy” whose name is “Brody Jenner.” Is there a commode around? I think I know two people who need to use it immediately.
Wanna not have sex in the bathroom?
Over at Rezhouse Productions, Trent holds a staff meeting. “Hey, has anybody heard any good gossip lately?” He surveys the room. “Uh, okay, I’ll start then. I saw on the news last night that Spencer tried to fend off the Malibu fires with a garden hose.” No one responds because they all saw the clip, too, so it’s not really gossip. Nice try, Trent. There’s a big Nascar event coming up and Heidi’s assigned to it, as well as the new Event Coordinator, Kimberly. Trent tells Heidi to keep an eye on her. Heidi does eye her, taking in the fact that Kimberly does not dye her hair. Heidi tries to make nice and asks Kimberly (who just moved to LA from New York) if things have been a “worldwind.” “No,” says Kimberly, “because that’s not a word.” Of course Spencer would forget to program a dictionary reference in Heidi’s new robot brain. “Besides, I’m from New York, so I don’t overwhelm easily. I am not the new Elodie. I am KIMBERLY!”
Watch your back, bitch.
Whitney and LC get to run a male model casting call today! YAY for all of us! Lauren checks in a model dude who remembers her from another shoot. His name is Gavin, and he’s great looking for a guy skateboarding in a mall in Indiana, but he’s just okay looking for a model in LA. Apparently, LC had tried to set Gavin up with Heidi all those moons ago, in an attempt to distract her from the Monchichi. They all giggle about that. Whitney takes Gavin inside to meet the casting directors. After he’s done, Whitney marches right out to the front table where LC is sitting to give her read. “He was funny,” she announces. LC cringes, then points and mouths that he’s still in the changing area and can probably hear her. Both girls silently laugh and take deep breaths. Gavin approaches the table and asks LC out. Then he asks her if he can “grab” her number which is another LA-ism that sucks the graciousness out of life. OMGEEEE! Whitney crosses her arms and gives Lauren her “ooh-la-la” face, but she’s not having it. “Don’t,” she warns repeatedly, but she can’t hide a little imp of a smile.
Over at Chez Janky this week, we get to watch Heidi put on mascara. Next week, fingers crossed for lip liner! The Monchichi, who now has so much blonde hair on his face and head that he resembles an Easter chick you accidentally smother to death, asks her what she’s doing. She’s going to work, she yells from the bathroom. The Monchichi is angry. He’s made dinner plans to make up for that other time she had to–what’s the word? Oh, yeah, WORK. Heidi knows she’s in for it, so she prepares an appeasing speech that she tries on him when she comes out of the bathroom. It doesn’t work, of course. The Monchichi suddenly seems like a lonely, spoiled child who has wearied all of his playmates and now his mummy has to go to work! Mummy! Don’t go to work! The Monchichi needs someone to play with! There’s nothing sexy about a boyfriend who doesn’t work and wants to spend all his time with you. Nothing. The master is losing his grip, and Heidi ventures an insult, “I’m going to work, why don’t you try it?” Crazy baby monchichi says “So that’s how it is,huh?” as Heidi leaves. Then he pulls out some paper and crayons and starts designing a net that will drop from the ceiling to capture Heidi the next time she tries to leave without permission.
You’ve got chick on your face.
LC, Lo, and Deadrina are having a beauty party to get ready for Brody’s barbecue. LC discloses she invited Gavin to the bbq, but she doesn’t think he’s coming. The girls wonder if any of their guy friends know him so they can do a background check. No one does, which Deadrina decides is a good thing. Just then, Gavin text messages that he can come to the beach party. “How fun,” says Lo, shaking her nails to dry them, “I love passing judgement on people.” Ewww. Inside voice, Lo.
As we pan into Brody’s party, Frankie is regaling party guests with the story of Brody and Lauren and the spinning bed in Vegas. Brody can’t come up with any defense besides repeating exactly what Frankie said but in voice that sounds like a dirty pirate. Right. They just kissed in Vegas. Sure. Frankie even asks if Brody is “cool” with LC bringing a date. After the girls show up, everyone’s gossiping about Gavin’s impending arrival. Hey, Whitney got invited! Guess things aren’t going to get too crazy. Where’s Bunts? I thought everything was “totally cool” between her and Lauren. Whitney gives another friend a blow-by-blow of LC’s cutemeet with Gavin, and then we cut to Brody telling LC he’s going to “act like her big brother.”
Gavin arrives and shakes everybody’s hand. HIs hair is still combed forward like he always, always walks with his back to the wind. When he and his buddy go up to the house to prepare drinks for themselves, Brody turns to LC and says, “He seems nice. A little short, though.” It’s hilarious. I gotta tell you Gasmii, I know we all know that Brody didn’t enter this show with the best intentions, but he sure is growing on me.
Gavin takes a seat next to LC and tells her he went camping in Catalina a few weeks ago. “I hate camping,” says LC. What a conversationalist, that LC. But do you notice she always says things that are contrary when she doesn’t really like a guy? Lo asks where the slept when they camped…in the hotel in Catalina? I’m about to rip Lo a new one if she can’t shut her trap. Gavin goes on and on about the trip, as if he made a list titled “Things to Talk about at the Barbecue: Hour One- Camping.” I can’t wait to hear Hour Two’s topic: “Vintage T-Shirts Cost 40 or 50 Bucks Now.”
Faceless guys are hot.
Gavin grills the chicken and Brody grills Gavin. Brody asks Gavin how he met Lauren and then tells him he needs his approval to take her out. The editors cut to Frankie telling LC that Brody is jealous, and LC protesting. Cut back to Brody asking Gavin, “When was your last relationship? How did it end? Was it her or you? Boxers or briefs?’ It’s girlish (and surprising) that Brody is being this transparent. When Gavin tells him the relationship ended badly partially because he and the girl had been best friends first, Brody mulls that over.
Flashbulbs pop, and I think something fun is about to happen. Nope, just Heidi standing with her clipboard at the Nascar event. She goes over details with Kimberly, who seems super competent. Kimberly tells her she’s probably going to stay until 3 AM to finish all her work. Heidi repeats “Three?” in a weird tone and at first I can’t figure it out. Then I think she realizes she has to stay as long as the brand-new hire so she looks like she’s doing her job. The Monchichi calls and gives her a hard time about having to stay late, dictated by the new girl’s work ethic. He whines “Are you SERIOUS?” Then he tells her their “real anniversary was three weeks ago, we can’t just keep putting this off.” What a girl. Then he hangs up on her. Is he taking an estrogen supplement? Heidi tries to confide in Kimberly, but she says, “Let me remind you again. I’m not the new Elodie. I don’t want to hear about your problems. Deal with it at home.” Heidi looks around dejectedly. All these people, and not one friend.
Back at the barbecue, Brody is telling Lo that Lauren’s date seems “perfect and by the book.” Uh-oh. That’s not the type of guy Lauren needs! Lo questions whether he still likes Lauren, and Brody doesn’t have an answer. LC joins Gavin on the beach where she employs her usual deflection tactics. After a few drinks, she’s no longer on the “I hate camping” level, but she does call him a “trooper” when he thanks her for inviting him. Cut back to Brody telling two dudes (one with his mouth hanging open, the other with the I-don’t-buy-it finger on the temple), “Like I said to them, I feel like he is being like, Mr. like Perfect, and it has nothing to do with jealousy, but I will give him a hard time, not a hard time, but just, I want, I want to see him have some reaction.” Oh, Brody. You even called him “Mr. Perfect.” As Gavin reminds LC they have a date on Friday, LC searches out Brody’s face. Brody looks back at her with an expression that says, “I’m not Mr. Like Perfect, but I’m uh like the guy for you I think.”
These guys look full of good advice.
The Monchichi fears he has given Heidi too much freedom. He leaves Chez Janky and wanders into the city to find her. He goes to her job where the receptionist doesn’t know who he is. Doesn’t she watch the show? Heidi rushes out to the lobby to calm the angry Monchichi. He tells her he is going to “steal her” for a lunch date. But Heidi can’t, because Trent Rezhouse is her master now, plus there’s this new girl Kimberly she has to beat down. Besides, Heidi tells the Monchichi, I’m doing this for us. You encouraged me. “Yeah, but,” says the Monchichi,”I just thought we were beating out Elodie, I didn’t realize you’d have to work more. This sucks!”
LC gets ready for her date with Gavin. They are going to Sushi Dan’s. Deadrina is excited for her but points out he doesn’t seem like her type. “That’s what Brody said, ” says LC rolling her hair into curls. “At least get a Crazy Danny roll,” says Dead. On with the show! LC asks Gavin if he likes Sean Kingston. Gavin doesn’t know who that is. “Yes you do!” LC admonishes. “He sings that ‘Beautiful Girls’ song.” Don’t they have anything in common?
At the table, Gavin tells her he always gets the baked salmon roll. LC says she’s not a big fan of salmon, but when the waiter comes, he orders it anyway. Hey, why don’t you tell me about camping again and I’ll listen to Sean Kingston on my blackberry? LC apologizes for Brody’s behavior at the bbq, and Gavin says he thought Brody was being nice. “Then you’re just a very nice guy,” says LC in her baby voice. When the food comes, Gavin serves her a salmon roll. She pops it into her mouth and chews. She hates it. “It’s good,” she says. “It IS good,” says clueless Gavin. (Remember when Felicity dated Greg? There was really nothing wrong with him. Except he wasn’t right for her. You just hated him for not being Ben, or even Noel. That’s how I kind of hate Gavin). Gavin asks her about her recent dates and she tells them all the guys seem normal at first, and then end up being crazy. “Like me?” asks clueless-er Gavin. LC has started to hate him too, because she tells him he’s “very normal,” but the way she says it sounds like “boring and when is this over?”
You get more interesting with each sip.
She arrives home wearing the same dress, but as a Perez Hilton reader pointed out, not wearing the same nail polish. Did she peel it off listening to Gavin talk about something else she hates? Or is this a different day? Hmm, MTV. She calls Brody to tell him her date basically sucked. Brody’s happy about it, and she asks him to come over to watch a movie. “What movie? ” he asks. “Does it really matter?” she responds. Before the PH reader tipped us all off, I thought it was kind of a sexy interchange, but now it feels like the whole scene was a set up. Even still, are they ever going to date, or are they just going to booty call each other until Brody meets some girl who wants to be on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians?” Who knows. Who cares. I want the old Hills back.