This week on The Hills, what happens in Vegas is Lo turns into an annoying bitch, our girls break several of the well known Party Rules, and Elodie finally sticks it to Heidi.
Lay off the…whatever the hell is doing this to your face.
Lauren and Deadrina are packing to go surprise Brody “I don’t appear to have a job either” Jenner in Vegas for his birthday. When Dead asks Lauren if she’s getting him a present, Lauren looks at her in disbelief. “I’M THE PRESENT! WHEN IS SOMEBODY GOING TO FUCKING REALIZE THAT!”
El Teatro de Janky presents: The Ballad of Speidi’s Anniversary Plans. “We are goooing to get maaasssaages and faciiiaaaals!” The Monchichi sings. “You seeeeem sooo gaaay riiight nooooow! Iiiiis thaaat whhyyy yoooo haven’t toooold yoooour paaaarents abooout ouuuur weddddding!” sings Heidi. A chorus of Chuckie dolls marches down the hall towards Heidi, clapping miniature toilet lids in time with a low chant, “No, no, no, no, no, no!” “IIII’ve giiiven uuuup eeeverythiing foooor youuu! Aaaat leeeeasst youoo caaan giiive meee theee teeellleviiiised weddddiiing yooou prooomised!”
I will bleach your facial hair for you when we’re maaaaaarrrriiiieeed!!
The chorus of Chuckie dolls flip the toilet lids over, revealing black and white spirals on the other side. They spin them at Heidi, hypnotizing her. The Monchichi gazes at his conquest lovingly as he sings “Whoooo wooouldn’t waant yooooou as a daaaaughter iiiin laaaaaw?” In the movie version, the camera will pan to the township, where different peasants will swing open their shutters and barn doors and sing “Me!” “Me!” “Me!” It’ll be Phantom of The Opera meets The Princess Bride meets Showgirls.
Our girls have turned into an Idiot Brigade on their way to LAX. They are chanting “Ve-gas! Ve-gas! Ve-gas!” as they pull up to the curb and I send a thought out to the men in Sin City, “Fuck them. Literally.” The worsdsmith himself, Bustin (who’s caption now reads “Deadrina’s boyfriend” which is like changing your myspace status to “in a relationship” and just about as impressive) is waiting for them, guitar in tow, dressed like a banished Smurf.
Stop being a baby and just apologize to Papa Smurf.
Deadrina kisses and hugs him like she actually knows him. MTV dubs in some dialogue from Lo and LC about how “Justin-Bobby’s not saying hi to us because we call him Justin-Bobby” and even though I know it was added in, it still makes the girls seem way more annoying than usual. Deadrina wants to check their bags in curbside. Bustin grunts, and Deadrina asks, “How high?” and then they all check their bags at the counter inside. Uhh, wait a minute. Who’s the fat chick with them? I don’t think she’s been captioned yet, which smacks of discrimination. My old friend Darby told me Party Rule #31: Always invite a Fun Fat Girl because she’s easy to talk to. Looks like the kids are hip to it. While on line, LC uses the baby voice to ask if Bustin’s going to serenade them. In a rare display of not taking himself too seriously, he wows them with an acoustic rendition of “Smack My Bitch Up.” Then Bustin and Deadrina tongue each other.
Once at the Palms, they all go to surprise Brody at his suite. He’s got a new yellow and black turbo cast on his hand that makes him look like a superhero who couldn’t get his costume off all the way. And, I guess whoever does continuity for this season got fired sometime on day one, because he didn’t have a broken hand at the pool party which was after the barbecue. MTV? Fuck you. Literally. Superbrody is so psyched to see everyone that he keeps yelling “Shut UP! Shut UP!”
They get the party started, and FFG is reading a magazine while everyone else is getting hammered. Maybe she’s just an FG and maybe I should call her by her actual name (Jill) which is finally captioned three scenes in. Nah. A round of shots is poured and Bustin drinks his before the toast is made. Superbrody calls him out on it and Bustin grunts, “I was waiting for you guys. Figuratively.” Lo’s in party girl mode and everything she says makes Bustin wince. “WER GA-IN TO HAV SOMACHFANTHASWEKAND!” Bustin turns to Deadrina and says one of those vaguely poetic things that she goes for: “I’m already there.” Then they tongue each other.
My proposed candidate for the next MTV spin-off is Elodie. We should call her show “Root for Elodie.” Let’s start a letter-writing campaign. Elodie asks her coworker Michelle if she’s pissed that Heidi has her own office now, and then, she adds with amused disgust, “Who does that?” Is that a moral barometer I hear? She’s given notice and today’s her last day. I find her word choice interesting– she says it was the Heidi “situation” that made her decide to leave. Is “situation” code for “Brent Bolthouse is a turd who promoted an inexperienced twit for more exposure on her reality television show”? Maybe. Heidi is in charge of an event for the Emmy’s but it’s her anniversary so she asks her turd boss if it’s okay if she gets it covered. Brent doesn’t care because his anemia is making him tired.
Poor Elliot Gould needs a nap.
(The commercial that comes on at the break is for Tila Tequila’s new show. Gasmii, my mom watches The Hills so she can read my blog and know what I’m talking about. It means the world to me and I know how much it pains her to watch this show. What she doesn’t need is to see that Kewpie doll internet sexhole tell her that she is a “bisexual freak” and then bend over for the camera. I was horrified. But, then, I can’t wait to see the show.)
Later that day, Heidi stomps over to Elodie’s desk and makes small talk about the Emmy’s. Then she looks at Elodie and says, “Tomorrow’s my anniversary, so . . .” Then she just looks at her. She doesn’t have the courage to ask her directly to cover the event. I cannot believe Elodie didn’t slap her little face fifty times, screaming, “This is how you appreciate it as much as I would?!?!” But instead, she smiles and says sure, “anything for you.” Heidi’s not sure about that, so she trots out, “It’s business, nothing personal.” Doesn’t quite fit here, either, Heidi old gal. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite. That fact isn’t lost on Elodie. If she had gotten the promotion and she had set up the Emmy’s, she would have been there even if her house burned down and killed all her cats. You know Elodie has at least two cats.
Back in Vegas, the girls get dressed for Superbrody’s superparty. Lo is bitching that Bustin won’t talk to them. Our heroine has to admit she doesn’t blame him because she hasn’t been very nice and that’s the last time I think we will hear anything sober come out of her mouth. Lo says the first “bet” of the weekend is: the first person to make Bustin smile wins. That’s a contest, not a bet, and I bet I’ve been overestimating Lo’s intelligence all season.
The kids all sit down for dinner at a sushi joint. Brody and LC flirt outrageously. We get the obligatory “guess who’s not here? Spencer and Heidi!” speech out of the way, and then we can get to the closer, stupider drama. Lo and FFG have bought Bustin a shot to make peace with him, but he and Dead haven’t shown up yet. They finally arrive, looking like they were boning all the way up to the hostess stand, hair ratty and bodies stuck together. FFG and Lo yell, “WE GOT YOU A SHOT!” Bustin ignores them and sticks his tongue out at the glass in front of him. It’s both rude and deserving, but also kind of weird. Party Rule #6: If someone you hate gets drunk and wants to make amends, just let them.
LC, there are other places to find a boyfriend.
Later at the club, Frankie plays matchmaker trying to get LC and Superbrody together. LC says they fought all the time, and Frankie points out the fights were only over Spencer and Heidi. That’s kind of true and you can hear LC mulling it over. Lo is wearing something from the Pebbles Flintstone collection. Party rule # 45: When wearing a short dress to a party, don’t get so drunk you don’t remember that people can see your vagina if you roll around in a booth and put your legs over your head. LC says she can see Lo’s “Britney” which is funny, but sad. A formerly fierce pop star’s name is now slang for drunken vagina.
The next morning the dudes sit around their suite with their sunglasses on, which is incredibly cool, and not at all as douchey as it sounds. Frankie The Matchmaker presses Superbrody to hook up with Lauren, and it’s really refreshing to see the words come out of his mouth. No back of the head shots for Frankie. The girls lounge poolside, and Lo bitches some more about Bustin not talking to her and not drinking the shot. Get over it. Go fuck some guy in a cabana. It’s Vegas. Perhaps she can hear me because that night, twisted out of their minds, Lo and Frankie make out. Then Brody asks Lauren for a birthday kiss. She plants one on him. They both seem pleased with themselves afterwards. Brody dances like a dad at a wedding.
The girls crawl up to Brody’s suite and lay around on the rotating bed. Fucking Lo won’t drop the shit and starts in on Deadrina about Bustin. “He HATES us,” she slurs, lying on her back and holding her drink upright. “We’re trying to be nice.” Party rule #113: If you can’t sit up, do not discuss your problems about anything. Deadrina says he’s trying, too, but he really doesn’t have to open up to anyone but her. And she’s totally right. The girls don’t care, so they say he won’t even say hi, etc. etc. Deadrina sarcastically tells them she’ll blow him off and never talk to him again to make them all happy. It cuts too close to the bone for our heroine, who can’t STAND the insinuation that she’s got a pattern that is evident to everyone but her. She leaves, and pouts by the pool. Deadrina leaves the suite, drunk and dejected, but why did they use this shot and who are these people?
Is your refrigerator running?
Over at the most romantic restaurant in the world if you don’t get the beans, Speidi celebrate their first year together. Don has cordoned off the area around their special booth and decorated with rose petals and candles. “I wish it could always be like this,” says The Monchichi. “Just the two of us, and a camera crew.” Heidi’s phone rings and we see the beginnings of mogwai in The Chi. “They say it’s rude to answer the phone at anniversary dinners,” he says with a caress of a threat in his voice. It’s Michelle from Bolthouse on the phone, and she tells Heidi the Emmy event is a mess. “Elodie’s not there?” Heidi asks, in her new I’m-the-boss voice. No, says Michelle. “She said she would cover this event,” says Heidi. There’s a pause, and we hear the most glorious words: “Elodie quit. Yesterday was her last day.” WOOO HOOOO! Burn, Heidi, burn! I don’t know how Elodie orchestrated this without Heidi knowing, but it is awesome! Heidi hangs up and tells Spencer she has to go. He looks like the husband in “Sleeping With the Enemy.” “I love you,” says Heidi. “No you don’t, ” Spencer responds, all his crazy, creepy, controlling, teeth-baring synapses firing. Did his dad miss too many little league games?
I wish Elodie was a bigger character on the show so we could see her sitting at home, 3 quarters of her way through a good bottle of Chalk Hill, her cats batting around a little Heidi doll with pins in it.
Superbrody tries to save the day (ie get laid) when our drunken heroine starts moaning about Deadrina leaving and Bustin being a jerk. The two of them are cuddling on the sofa and LC is lying down with a drink in her hand. (See Party Rule #113). He tells her Bustin really only has a problem with Lo, so let it go. LC goes in for the kiss hover, slurring that he has to promise not to stand up for Bustin anymore because he’s not making her feel like the gift that she is. Faced with that ultimatum, Superbrody opts for the kiss on the forehead and a nap. Party Rule #54: Shut the fuck up if you want to get fucked.
I wish I brought my Mac.