The Hills: Ex Marks The Spot

“OH GOD I’m already sick of being on this show.”

Welcome once again to the Fake Friendship Fest! Last time on The Hills, Audrina reunited with her scruffy ne’er-do-well, Lo showed her first buds of veiled bitchiness, and Heidi continued to be her usual “focus on ME, here, people” self. Tonight, it all (sorta) comes together into one big house party of non-confrontation. Oh well. Like LC herself, it’s all kinda boring, but still pretty to look at.
We greet our fair maidens as they take their first peek at their new (gigantic) bachelorette pad in what appears to be a small villa in Spain, complete with fountain. My New York-dwelling ego is blown to smithereens, as their porch is roughly 18 times the size of my bedroom.

“¡Abuela! ¡Ya llegamos!”

“Ahh, a real house!” sighs Lo, relieved to finally be free of the tree house she’s been living in thus far. The girls peruse the property, coffees in tow, Mary Kate sunglasses taking up half their faces. When your shades can barely perch atop your scrawny cheekbones, you know they’re just big enough. They gasp and sigh, repeating the phrase “so… pretty…” no fewer than nine times in rapid succession. If I hadn’t seen the Laguna graduation episode, I would have mistaken them for high school dropouts. I’m sending each of them a thesaurus for Christmas (or Flag Day).

“It’s all of my beige fantasies come to life!”

Lauren shows them around the joint like pro (See LC. See LC go to school. See LC design fashion. See LC sell houses.) and after pointing out all the wall space upon which they can “hang photos, of like everyone” (no exclusions! even Bob the Bum down on Sunset will have a photo collage), she escorts her friends out to Blahdrina’s guest house. What a splendid idea! Certainly, sequester the brunette. You never know who she might bring home (redheads! ash blondes!). “Blahdrina’s little house!” Lo squeals, deftly turning her condescension into something resembling enthusiasm. Luckily, Blahdrina loves that it’s “private,” meaning she can have all the Pigpens and Heidis in the world over to get high and wear black leather apparel without Lauren’s judgemental gaze coating the walls.

“I thought you said I could play realtor today. Did you not notice the blazer?”

They collectively swoon about the party-making abilities of the house, already planning out their housewarming party. I bet the neighbors will just love these ladies, what with all the drunken rich kids at night and red plastic cups that will surely be strewn about the front lawn the next morning. LC begins compiling a guest list.

“Brody, Stephen Coletti, Johnny Depp, David Beckham, Prince William. Gosh, I hope Stephen can make it.”

Okay, confession time: after watching the “Ironman” commercial for about the nineteenth time on this show, I totally entered the contest. I suddenly feel dirty, like someone’s taken advantage of me and my email address. Did anyone else succumb to this advertising piledrive? Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. Let’s just say they really got to me by appealing to my desire to be a millionaire inventor.

Back to written reality. At a generic café, Lo and Lau are having entire-face-sized cappuccinos and discussing how freakishly cold it is outside. I’m sorry dearie, but really, if you’re not wearing long johns, gloves, a scarf (sans tank top, thanks very much), and you STILL feel like your face is going to be iced off, then STFU.

“Dang, I think I just got a goosebump on my shoulder.”

The ladies plan out their new life together, which will surely be so different from their current status, because now they’ll get to go shopping together! Because… they never do that, right? They talk about who’s coming to their housewarming party that night. Wait, what? That seems a little fast for a move-in. Crazy reality TV! Maybe next episode LC will finally graduate. Lauren casually brings up the fact that she invited Stephen Coletti to the shindig and Lo’s all, “Now hold tha phones sista. Say wha-?” or the Valley girl equivalent. The soccer mom side of Lo swoons for her little angel and Lauren just glows, visions of engagement parties dancing in her head. “That melts my little black heart!!” Lo squeaks. I always knew there was a gangsta dwarf inside of her.

Despite the ear-to-ear grin on her face, Lauren plays the whole thing down and makes it clear that to her, Hos will always come before Bros. “It’s not a thing,” she insists. Perhaps she has in mind this being a verb instead. A horizontal verb, prolly. “It always turns into a thing,” Lo reassures her. See, at least SHE’S seen this show before. She knows what’s comin’. Lo pop-quizzes her on how long she loved him, including but not limited to high school. Lauren stares into space, calculating how many semesters are in a television season. She loses count and covers with a juicy, “I don’t know. I never really stopped.”

Stephen As Spoon

Next, our Pratt sibling feud moves from a couch at the Aryan compound to a couch at a coffeehouse that looks like L.A.’s equivalent to the Central Perk. Spencer is, as usual, texting on his iPhone to one of the following possible recipients: 1) a text sex operator, 2) Jamster Ringtones, 3) Heidi or 4) producers feeding him lines. Oddly, the entire coffeehouse is empty, either because everybody else in town has school, a job, or some other semblance of a fucking life.

“Wonder if I can get ‘Bleeding Love’ as a tone.”

Stephanie drifts in, insults Spencer, offers him sympathy for having the flu, and orders a Chai Boba in approximately seven steps between the door and her chair. What a pro! Until she starts choking, that is. “I just swallowed a ball!” she coughs/giggles. Huh. I’ve heard that as a warning against teabagging, but never boba-drinking. Stephanie announces her elite invitation to the Lau-Lo-Blah Bash that evening. “And you want to go?” Spencer accuses her. Firstly, she’s not asking permission. Secondly, where have you been the last twenty times Stephanie and LC hung out? Stephanie gives him her very best “meek sister” expression: concern in the eyes, but not enough to furrow her brow (i.e. give her wrinkles).

Spencer rehashes the same old “I just don’t understand how you can do this” bullshit, which I’m sure you’re as tired as I am of hearing. I’ll tell you how to understand it, you immature fuck: she’s a grown woman and has a brain of her own (kind of). Deal with it. Anyway, Stephanie’s retort unfortunately doesn’t involve any f-word zingers, but does include a story about some long-lost cherry-popper who took her to semi-formal in high school. Apparently he and Spency became right old chaps following the inevitable morning-after lie he told Stephanie. (“So… I’m moving to, like, West Hollywood after graduation, so I really can’t get involved with anyone right now… but this was fun. Let’s Facebook.”) Spencer stares at her in disbelief until a deliciously evil smile creeps across his face and he joyfully corrects, “He wasn’t really a ‘boyfriend’, I hate to tell you…” Ha ha ha ha… There’s nothing like your brother calling you a slut in not-so-many words on national television. Anyway, he’s mad, she thinks he’s unreasonable, she’ll tell Heidi her own damn self. In conclusion, he sniffs, “I have nothing more to say, so… take your Bobo and leave.”

“Please. A real boyfriend would at least try to isolate you from your friends.”

After a luscious Los Angeles sunset, we arrive at “Lauren, Blahdrina & Lo’s House,” a title that takes over roughly 5/8ths of the screen. They’re getting ready for their big party and tiki torches have taken over the backyard. I’m crossing my fingers that they’ll all be wearing grass skirts. At least then I can make a joke about Lauren getting lei’d. But no such luck. Lauren’s donning one of her infamously boring flowy dresses, Blahdrina’s got on a “don’t fuck me, ever” turtleneck sweater, and Lo is wearing a darling (but severely breast-crushing) cocktail dress.

“Good thing I have no nipples to accidentally pop out!”

She’s no Salma Hayek, let’s all agree to that. She bobbles around, wondering aloud if any of the neighbors have seen her naked yet. No, probably not, but they’ve doubtless seen Blahdrina on wwtd.com, lounging around in little more than a festive orange hat and some fake eyelashes. You’re gonna have to step it up, Lo.

They go over the guest list once again, and Blah mentions that she invited some friends, Pigpen, and her siblings. LC attempts the “wha-girl??” Lo-ex-boyfriend-surprise, but Blahdrina just stares at her in silence for trying to discuss it. “Maybe he’ll wear his cowboy hat!” Lo offers perkily. She’s really got that evilsweet thing down pat. Blahdrina says nothing, looking down uncomfortably. Oohhhhkaaayyyy… everyone just keep slicing your limes, just slice the goddamn limes and think of something else to say.

Oooh! Lo’s got it. She asks who LC invited (clever! way to change the subject). Lauren says Stephen. “Stephen Coletti??” Blah confirms, her face brightening to know that she’s no longer the focus of awkward ex conversation, and also that she gets to gossip. She asks how long it’s been since they last talked. “They’ve BEEN talking,” says Lo saucily, and Blahdrina’s face falls once again, the knowledge that she’s been kept out of the loop hitting her like a pound of eyeliner. She looks so panicked and yet glazed over that she kind of reminds me of when my mom passes out from low blood sugar while making dinner.

Someone get this woman a granola bar or something.

When we come back from the break, the age-old question is answered: what happens when you put half of LC’s ex-boyfriends in the same room and stir well? Will LC get laid? Or will the universe simply implode?

Hold up. We’ve got a Where’s Waldo Afro sighting:

I almost didn’t catch him without the wacky specs.

Our night is already complete. I suppose we can continue with the rest of this charade. The usual cast of characters is already there: Afroman, Whitney (in, sadly, her only appearance this week), Frankie, and now here comes Brody with his new BritneyCanadaWhore-of-the-Week, Cora. He introduces her to Lauren, who smiles placidly and proceeds to guzzle her frozen margarita with abandon.

I wonder if she has a grill to go with that ring. “Ol’ Dirty”

At Heidi’s awfully lonely apartment, Stephanie stops by to tell her, in person, that she’s on her way to Heidi’s ex-best-friend’s housewarming party. I can’t think of any reason in real life why she would do this rather than calling, though I suppose just to see the look on her face is reason enough. Heidi’s not up to much tonight, just gonna chill at home, teetering around in black lamè leggings and stilettos. Perhaps we’ve caught her as she’s practicing her runway walk for her “ANTM” audition.

As Stephanie breaks the news to Heidi, the latter bottle blonde fumes, “What would make you think I’d be cool with this?” Ummmm…. because you tried to reconcile with LC last week and said it was “all so long ago,” perhaps? In a battle of manipulation, Heidi says she must be asking for “permission” because she feels guilty. Way to get it twisted. Steph says she just wanted to tell her because last time Heidi freaked; Heidi says that was because she was lying to her. Some stuff about loyalty (ha! oh Heidi. You and your loyalty) and how LC’s the one person in the world she doesn’t get along with. Hmmm, my memory seems to hearken back to, say, Spencer. And Elodie. And remember that dude Jordan? And higher education. Anyway, Heidi’s pissed and unforgiving (she really should marry Spencer. But only if they swear to never procreate). Sigh, sigh, sigh. This storyline is as old, stale and crusty as the bread that’s been sitting in my fridge since New Year’s. I think we should start a TVGasm petition to the producers to move on to the next melodrama.

Stephanie sighs and asks what she’s up to that night. OH Christ, don’t bring her don’t bring her don’t bring her don’t bring her… Phew. Instead, Steph begrudgingly offers to skip the party and hang out with the one-woman fiesta that is Heidi. It’s better this way. She was dressed like a peasant anyway.

“Excuse me while I go feed some chickens.”

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Back at La Casa De Lau/Lo/Blah, Lauren’s looking around nervously, pretending to have a good time and just be cool, man. Just be cool. In rolls the adorable, ever-gum-chewing Stephen Coletti, looking not a day over seventeen. The titles classify him as “Lauren’s Friend” but we can do better than that, can’t we? If you could fit “Lauren, Blahdrina & Lo’s House” onscreen we could at least fit “On Again/Off Again High School Bang” here, now can’t we?

“Cameras! I’ve missed you! I come bearing gifts.”

You know, Lo is really the ultimate in sidekicks. Just the right touch of jealous bitchiness well-cloaked in friendly chipperness. Example: (with nearly falsetto vivaciousness) “Brody’s new girlfriend is very pretty. With very large breasts.” I can’t wait until she and LC fight over a guy. As apt karmic punishment, Coletti comes up from behind and gooses her. Silly boy! Hugs all around and the three of them catch up, with Lo nodding excitedly to LC like the good yenta she will surely turn out to be and LC inexplicably unable to look Stephen in the eye. What’s up with that?

“I hear wedding bells!”

Had enough exes? Me neither! Pigpen shows up looking even more downright grotty than last week, fiendishly licking his lips like they’re covered in sugar (or some other delicious white substance). I know some people commented last week that he looks good now or seems like a changed man, but seriously? Are you sure?

He already looks like an abusive ex-husband.

He staggers in silently and he and Blah don’t even exchange hellos. Before long, Brody whisks him away to get him a drink (isn’t he not supposed to be drinking anymore?) and, presumably, swap secrets on how to stay on the show without actually dating anyone. Blahdrina just looks on wordlessly, and rather helplessly, as though she’s already fallen into the role of silent, concerned wife.

They get some one-on-one time though, where Blahdrina finally gets to open her big mouth and say what’s been on her mind during all of those silences we previously assumed were simply empty. She says things have been weird with the girls, “exspecially” when they know Pigpen’s coming over. “Actually, it’s none of their business,” Pigpen slurs. Actually, it’s everyone who gets cable’s business. “Either way, you can’t win,” Pigpen says. Blahdrina sighs with the classic Gen-Y response: “Whatever.” Sure, just deal with it later. Cover it with makeup. Fix it in post.

But what I really want to know is, why do they spend this whole conversation cuddling with/petting a black feather boa?

And where did the rest of Blahdrina’s shirt go?

Who knows. Let’s just look at Stephen (whose mere appearance on this episode is just as pointless as Britney’s “How I Met Your Mother” guest-starring role) some more.

Stephen Col-Letmewrapmylegsaroundthat!

The following Monday (or at some point later), LC is lunching with Traitor Stephanie at Fit’Em. When will Stephanie cease to be known as “Spencer’s Sister” and get promoted to “Lauren’s Friend?” And, for that matter, why don’t they spice it up a bit, call her a “Gal Pal,” and call Brody “LC’s Booty Call” and call Frankie “Brody’s Fag Hag?” But back to Fit’Em. Steph spots some hunky boys across the lawn. “I think they’re, like, workers,” LC mutters. If you think that’s a little racist, you should hear their cackles of disdain and embarrassment at thinking they were cute.

Today’s episode brought to you by the Big-Ass Sunglass Hut

The girls chat about the previous weekend’s party and LC whines that she feels bad for getting Steph “in trouble.” Yeah, probably. “Our parties are fun though,” she adds. Yeah, maybe someday Stephanie can hope to go to one of them and not be the drama. She could just be the fun. I mean, if LC can be the fun at a party, ANYBODY can. I’m sure Stephanie has her dancing-on-top-of-the-bar side.

Later that night, as LC gets ready for her dinner date with the fair Stephen, the camera guy tries everything, including visual metaphors, to stir up some interest in this night.

Which is the Good LC? Which is the Evil LC?

Lau and Lo try to discern whether this is a date date, or just a date. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s a date date date (I sure hope not!). Neither of them knows, and by the end of the night we probably still won’t either. Who’s idea was it? Are you excited? Are you bringing your diaphragm? This is turning into a goddamn episode of “Lipstick Jungle.”

Actually, yep, it’s a date.

Or perhaps a toga party at the Delta house.

Nobody wears a satin bedsheet draped across them like a Dove Chocolate commercial unless they want it gently tugged off of them by the end of the night. Col-Letme picks her up (wearing a hoodie – it’s definitely not a date) and LC tells Lo she loves her and commands her to call her later. Why call her? They live together! They’ll see each other in three hours (unless it IS a date and LC’s not planning on coming home). For Chrissakes.

We transition to the restaurant scene with some rockin’ “Life, man! LIFE!” kind of music. Over some calamari, LC shimmies her shoulders and rests her chin in her hands coquettishly while Col-Letme “woo-hoo”s his bruschetta. It’s unfortunate, really… Stephen always seems way more casual and noncommittal than the women gazing lovingly into his gorgeous brown eyes. I hate to say it, but I guess we just have to accept the fact that he’s a – gasp! – normal twentysomething dude.

They discuss roommate particulars and Lauren mentions that Lo is kind of dating somebody. Now wait just one second here now. Lo is dating someone and we don’t get to see its meteoric rise and inevitable crash and burn? Just what kind of contrived reality do you think you’re selling me, MTV? Oh and also Lo likes to walk in on Lauren in the shower. Stephen laughs, then sighs, then goes silent, probably imagining that scenario. Continuing, LC tells him about Blahdrina, Pigpen, and the unavoidable doom that awaits their friendship. “Why don’t you just go over to her? Say hey, I’m bored, let’s talk. Talk to me,” Stephen advises. See, this is why guys never have drama (unless it’s with a chick). They don’t dance around shit – they just say what they mean.

“So… tell me that shower story again?”

Lauren uses Lo’s obsession with her non-relationship with Stephen as a way to find out what he’s thinking about the whole thing. Smooth move, Conrad. Upon hearing Col-Letme use the word “platonic,” Lauren’s eyes glaze over with the promise of tears (not to be shed on camera, naturally). Damn. Our poor girl just can’t find love. Even when she looks where she’s already had it.

Y’know, we haven’t had a car shot in, like, two seasons. We’re treated to the old style while some soft piano music in the background shows us that LC won’t get what she wants, but she is nevertheless vulnerable. Good thing music can tell the story, because God knows LC babbling about her old high school curfew and drunkenly singing, “Thanks for driving!!” certainly doesn’t help the cause.

“I can use this on my reel, right?”

As expected, there’s no kiss at the end of this ride. Pretty soon LC’s Nike Dildo is going to outlive its warranty, and THEN where will she be? Huh Stephen? Give a girl a break. Lo is perusing the Craigslist Casual Encounters page when LC stumbles in, saying “It was good,” and promptly breaking out the Ben and Jerry’s. How good can anything be if you come home alone and go for the ice cream after just eating?

“Let’s see. W4W, keyword: BDSM…”

Lo still asks, “Did you have a good time?” with the sympathetic nod and furrowed brow of a concerned mom talking to her 45-year-old unmarried daughter. “When I’m with him, I just feel like I’m in high school,” LC complains, but Lo doesn’t get the tone and nods enthusiastically. No, honey, that’s not a good thing. Undeterred, Lo smiles, “Maybe one day it’ll work out and you’ll get married!” Jesus Christ. Give it a rest, woman. You know, my BFF said the same thing to me recently about an ex. Why, WHY can’t a relationship just die its gory death without rehashing the past with a crossover guest appearance? Jeez! I do have to admit, though, if they got married on MTV the ratings would be through the roof.

What did you guys think of this episode? Are you willing to sign my petition to the MTV producers for a plot change? And will Lo ever reveal to her mystery man the addictive horror of being on television? I’ll see y’all on the boards, but until then, I wanted to share with you a little video I found while Googling “Stephen Coletti” that somebody with a lot of time lovingly made about our Romeo and Juliet.