The Hills: Home Alone: Lost In L.A.!

“If I tell you, do you promise not to tell?”

Welcome, fellow haters! This week’s zany, WTF-filled episode posed an existential query to us all: Can “The Hills” exist without Lauren Conrad? (That’s like asking if the earth could survive without a vaguely boring, overly blow-dried sun to rotate around.) It also taught us a few lessons: 1) Lo, while still totally bitchy, is the only actually adorable and still reactionary person bobbling along in this haze of spray-on tans, 2) LC really IS the mother figure to all of these immature brats, because apparently none of them can be left alone, and 3) Blahdrina would make the worst KGB agent of all time.The intro recap reveals all that’s about to happen tonight: judging by the return of the “Doug” storyline (who wasn’t even mentioned last week) and the dooming “don’t trust Stephanie” advice, anybody with even a Heidi-sized brain could predict what’s about to happen.

We open with LC preparing to jet off to Italy for a wee vacay, and evidently someone with more life experience (is that even possible?) has advised her not to even bring heels. Sure, just bring your Tevas and blend in with all of the other Americans. Actually, it’s pretty good advice considering all of the walking she’ll be doing on cobblestone streets… so why does it sound so moronic when Blahdrina’s reiterating? Anyway, while LC finishes packing, Lo and Blahdrina defeatedly agree that they’ll be bonding while she’s away, with foreboding innuendos. Hey, perhaps they’ll realize all that they have in common as LC’s satellites and form a union against her! Surely that’d guarantee SOMEONE a spinoff.

As LC pretends to drive off into the sunset, the girls look after her car like two daughters left alone for the first time, fear and excitement in their eyes. I half expect them to run into the casa together and reenact that scene in “Home Alone” where Kevin runs around the house, jumps on the bed and eats mounds of ice cream while watching rated-R movies. Ah, youth.

Or perhaps a competition reality show. “Survivor: Hollywood”

Later, Stephanie and her hideous grow-out bangs decide to drop by unannounced (how uncouth!) and, after some odd technical difficulties with the intercom (is it really so hard to walk ten feet outside and greet someone? Honestly.), she gets into the LauLoBlahteau, narrowly escaping a career-boosting crotch shot.

Three centimeters away from Lindsay Lohan-level fame.

As she waits in the kitchen (guess the cams weren’t set up for a foyer welcome shot), Blahdrina makes a face that says, “Ever heard of the telephone? Or email? Or messenger doves?” Their greeting is full of the generic female pleasantries that have been employed since the beginning of time: complimenting each other’s outfits, bragging about cooking, and staring agog at each other’s tans. Wait, what? Yeah, Steph actually remarks upon Blah’s same-shade-as-her-Nice-N-Easy-Chestnut-Hair skin. Is this the first time they’ve ever met? Also, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle tan? Blahdrina basks in the praise, her eyes bulging with pride as she recounts her tale of a weekend spent laying out.

“I make global warming work for me!”

Blahdrina complains about how totally disconnected from the outside world her boss (I mean, friend and roommate) LC is in that foreign country thingy. Before long, she starts to realize how little chitchat she’s been programmed with and asks Stephanie why the hell she’s there. Stephanie takes a very, very long time in answering, perhaps trying to extend her hold on the American public’s attention just a wee longer. Gee, what ever will she say next? I have no idea.

“I’m pregnant. And Spencer’s the father.”

Ha ha, no, Duhg asked her out on a daaaaaaate! “Saved By The Bell” audience, would you kindly join me in a drawn-out “wooooooo!” You know, I don’t even watch the “next time on” previews and even I could see that coming. Stephanie sports a self-satisfied smile upon her face as she wonders aloud whether LC would be mad at her. Ummmm. Okay, two things: 1) It’s not a matter of her being mad, it’s a matter of decency on your part not to bang someone your friend just banged, even if they asked very politely for a bangin’. 2) DUH of course she’ll be pissed!

Blahdrina doesn’t dissuade her but does advise her to wait until LC comes back and be a biotch to her face, rather than behind her back. Because everyone living on the planet knows how LC feels about traitors.

I just thought it was funny that this photo came up when I Google Image Searched “crazy bitch.”

Stephanie doesn’t seem too worried about it, asking, “How would she find out?” Then Blahdrina twitches and squints her eyes, as if pondering the best way to say, “You do know we’re famous, right?” or even, “You do know that we’re catty bitches, right?”

At Bolthouse, Heidi’s spending the day dressed up like Stevie Nicks and trots over to Kimberly’s desk to show off her hair extensions and old-lady flowy shirt. They chat about an upcoming event and Heidi says she’s going to drag along her old ball ‘n’ chain. Kimmy, having pulled a mini-Britney comeback and looking much fresher tonight, suggests that Heidi and Spence have fun together. Hmm. “I know!” Heidi says, as though the thought never occurred to her to have a good time with her significant other. On the other hand, I guess each day free from the bonds of a marriage to Spencer is a good one.

Channeling Gladriel

Heidi mentions they’ll be going out that night too. “We can stay in when we’re old,” she surmises. Yeah, or when your fame runs out and you have no more money for coke ‘n’ collagen. “Yeah, I’m not into the whole staying-in thing,” Kimmy says. “AT ALL.” Yeah, we know, we saw the unfortunate evidence of that last week.

Unlikely Duo Of The Week Blahdrina and Lo are lunching at Fred Segal and studying hard for their future lives as trophy wives with nothing better to do. They chat awkwardly about silverware and their shared sensation of thirst. As far as I can gather, between the two of them there are two forks, two knives and only one thing in common, and that thing isn’t even Stateside right now. Our girls rock two looks tonight: Lo in her Nicole Richie best, and Blahdrina donning her aviating-biker-whore… best.

“All I have to do is have a baby, then everyone will be GLAD I’m losing weight.”

“Agreed.”

They discuss the Pigpen situation and Lo commands that, at this age, Blahdrina must make decisions for herself. Blahdrina agrees to do whatever Lo just said she should do. After a few long seconds of silence, Lo nervously sings nothingness: “La, la la…” Hahaha, okay maybe these two really aren’t meant to be friends. Perhaps to ease the tension, Blahdrina suggests they go to Goa that night. I smell a confrontation!

Then Blahdrina gasps and says she must tell Lo about Stephanie and Duhg. Ahhhh, so THIS is what she meant when she was twitching and trying not to say what she really meant. What she really meant was, “I WILL TELL. ME. I WILL TELL. TOO BAD YOU JUST TOLD ME.” Lo practically jumps out of her seat with the most appropriate reaction we’ve ever seen on this show. Kudos to that. She is shocked, SHOCKED that Duhg would think to pull something like this with his pretty, blank little head. “I just don’t know why you’d want sloppy seconds,” Blahdrina says disgustedly. My question is, who’s the sloppy one in that duo? It’s not the seconds, I’ll tell ya that.

“Allow me to cup your chin, my sweet.”

At Goa-rhymes-with-boa, the ladies take their rightful places in the seat LC would usually occupy as Spencer and Heidi roll in. Oh golly, what a fucking surprise! I roll my eyes as I usually do around this time on Monday nights as the quartet perform their weekly “Oh dear, should I talk to them? I simply cannot believe they’re here!” routine. The blonde lovers approach and as Heidi and Blah embrace, Heidi grabs the back of Blah’s head as though she is about to A) make out with her, B) push her head down into her crotch or C) slam her head into the table with one deft blow. Unfortunately, none of the above is accomplished and instead, they just talk about how crazy it is to run into each other like this. Yeah, totally rando!

Heidi and Blahdrina reminisce about the good ole days and gush about how much fun they used to have as underage starlets. Funny how Spencer just shuts up once his archenemy isn’t around, huh? Lo looks bored and pissed, gazing at her drink like it’s her only friend. Blahdrina tells Heidi about the whole Stephanie/Duhg situation and I shake my head like an old church lady hearing tales of sin. Mental note: never tell Blahdrina ANYTHING.

Haha, yeah, Heidi, that’s cute of you. She expresses surprise at the fact that Steph would do that with LC’s “high school sweetheart,” which is also funny because it makes me wonder what Colletti and Wahler would say to that. “I just… I would NOT do that,” Heidi scoffs. Apparently there are unforeseen limits to Heidi’s backstabbing. Who knew?

They wrap up the convo with some Pigpen talk, then Heidi invites the two of them out to Bolthouse’s upcoming X-Games party. Blahdrina happily accepts, while Lo chokes on her Jack and ginger, unable to defend herself against the planning of an unholy friendship union.

“I did NOT agree to this.”

Hey guys, remember that Spencer exists? I know, it’s kind of a bummer, but we must acknowledge him because he’s front and center on camera, covering up his Propecia-laden scalp with a hideous hat. He sort of reminds me of Dr. Claw from “Inspector Gadget.”

“Hehehehh… Excellent. All is going according to my evil plan.”

All he needs is a pretty little pussycat. Stephanie lets herself in without knocking, which we know Spencer just LOVES. She asks if he’s talking to Heidi (who else would he talk to?), to which he simply glares at her and makes a remark to Heidi about the wind bringing something in. Huh. Is he ever nice to ANYONE? I ponder what keeps Heidi with him and remember that I used to date someone who told me that, since I hate pretty much everyone, he felt flattered that he was one of the few people in the world I actually liked. Perhaps Heidi has the same syndrome. Does this mean I’m an emotionally abusive dickhole?

“Probably.”

Stephanie explains the Duhg situation to him, and Spencer gleans no small amount of delight from this predicament. What could make him happier than LC’s eternal misery? He brings up the same singular good point that Heidi made as well, which is that there are millions of handsome, strong, well-cocked, empty-headed men in Los Angeles. She didn’t have to go out with Lauren’s H, S, W-C, E-H man. Spencer spouts off about LC cutting her out of her precious social circle, but before he said the words “cut out,” I kind of thought his gestures might lead to the international sign language for cunnilingus.

“Tasty!”

Stephanie IS a little perturbed, and has that worried, introspective look down almost as well as LC.

Also, she kind of looks like an aging member of Heart.

At the X-Games soiree, Blah arrives with Pigpen on her arm, who is apparently testing out his Halloween costume as ’90s grungester-cum-dickhead in a fetching plaid shirt and his usual scruff. Meanwhile, Spencer and Heidi look the least like skaters they possibly can.

Sometimes you need to be your own paparazzi.

As Pigpen and his cleaning lady sit down beside them, Spencer compliments Pigpen on his atrocious “HOOLIGANS” logo puff-painted onto the flipped bill of his hat, then launches into some awkward, meaningless chitchat about the new “Batman” movie. Crickets all around (I mean, under the sound of a thousand tattooed hotties partying). Spencer nods to himself enthusiastically and something occurs to me. Mayhaps Spencer’s been friend-lonely too?

Heidi: “My boyfriend’s such a moron.”

Blahdrina continues her pattern of drama-spurring under the pressure of silence by bringing up the Duhg thing again. Much of her gossiping is with non-committal “I don’t know”s, as if that made it any better. Really, if you don’t know what you’re talking about, perhaps you should shut the hell up.

Heidi: “So does Lauren trust Stephanie now?” Blahdrina: “(gossipy nod)!”

“Gasp! What a deliciously evil turn of events!”

Heidi actually praises Jesus (using those exact words! ha!) for not being involved in the drama. I always find it hilarious when supposedly super-Christian people take the Lord’s name in vain while doing something un-Godlike, like gossiping. No, Heidi, please don’t waste Jesus’ time by praising him for not involving you in petty drama. That’s not what he’s there for.

He’s there to rock you SEXY.

Meanwhile, all of Los Angeles is trying to figure out whether this is a DATE date, or just a date. On one hand, Duhg didn’t pick Stephanie up. On the other hand, they’re meeting at a restaurant called Beso, which is Spanish for kiss. In any case, Steph’s wearing a titty shirt that desperately needs a belt, and that’s not cool, DATE date or just date.

Thinks he’s on a date with Brody.

Duhg mumbles that she looks pretty and I wonder if he might crush her like a bunny in the hands of a lowly migrant ranch worker. They talk about how good of friends he is with Broday, and I begin to suspect there must be an Ex-BFs Of Lauren Conrad Club or something. Perhaps he, Bro, Wahler, Coletti and that French dude all get together for poker Mondays while they sit around, drink beer and talk about LC’s well-advertised lady parts.

They agree it’s not weird at all that he just finished dating a girl whose friendship attentions Stephanie is aching to gain, and Steph’s eyes wander aimlessly as she bops around in her chair. Duhg stares at Steph like she’s a big blonde lollipop from the dentist’s office and asks what she’s doing after dinner.

“Making some enemies. Care to help me?”

They look around nervously, like someone might catch them and capture evidence of their rendezvous to show to an audience of millions. Huh. Just before she answers, Stephanie’s face twists, then falls in a manner common to criminals who see police in the distance.

And then…. Um, Brody’s mom shows up?

I’m not really sure how to handle this, except to say “WHAT?!?!” I’m so confused. How…? But where…? Who did….? Wha-HUH? Yes, Brody’s mom, a tightly pulled blonde Emmy of a trophy wife strolls over with an equally formaldehyded friend to say bon jour. To Stephanie. This is a most completely unexpected turn of events. Well done, MTV, my great and worthy opponent. Well done.

“I would frown in confusion too, but I can’t. My face is stuck like this.”

I am reeeeeeeally not sure how Stephanie knows her and Duhg doesn’t (maybe it’s a Princes Of Malibu thing?), but evidently this is what we’re supposed to believe. Linda (that’s Mom) giggles and teases them about being on a date before hobbling off with her own Lo in tow. Duhg anxiously stammers and shifts from one foot to another during the whole exchange. I guess it kind of killed the mood, because Stephanie hides her face ashamedly. Guess Steph knows that even old hoes gab. Except at that stage we call them yentas.

“So…. I guess the fucking is off then?”

At Epic, I am totally loving Chiara. I don’t know why. Usually her schlubby style pisses me off, because I figure she could at least TRY to look decent for the cameras. Yet today, even with her all-black outfit consisting of baggy pants and an ill-fitting shirt, I sort of admire her fuck-it attitude. I don’t know what it is. Oh wait! I know!

Amazing what a comb can do, isn’t it?

They talk about how it’s been having to be alone with Lo all the time (a-Lo-ne? heheh. heh.) and about Goa, blah blah blah. Before long, Blahdrina excitedly exclaims, “Oh my God! AND Stephanie blah blah Duhg blah blah blah!”

DO NOT TRUST THIS WOMAN!

Blahdrina! Jesus! Can’t you keep your goddamn mouth shut?

Back at the LauLoBlahteau, a relaxed and happy LC has arrived back home to a welcoming embrace by Lo.

Looks like when you turn around, wrap your arms around yourself and pretend to make out.

LC says she left Italy two days early. Say what?! Why on earth would you do that? Perhaps she got an emergency page from a P.A.: “COME BACK NOW. U R BEING PLAYED LIKE A CELLO.”

LC scrunches up her face and remarks that Italy is like one big construction site, as the men all just hoot and holler at you as you walk past. That may be true, but I’m 100% sure it’s the only construction site on earth that’s chock-full of fuckable men. She asks what she’s missed while she’s been gone, and Lo and Blahdrina just look at each other and hesitate. This is the part where we should cut to a really fast montage of wild parties, dozens of couples hooking up and possibly an arrest for public indecency.

The girls tell her about their night out at Goa and Spencer and Heidi being there, and I can’t decide whether this look says, “I can’t believe you bitches left the house without me,” or “I can’t believe I left ITALY two days early for this.”

“I should have stayed at the construction site.”

“…So… we said hi…” Blahdrina mutters. Lo looks to LC for the appropriate betch slap.

“Ooh! Oooh! Can I do it this time?”

Then Blah breaks the news that she and her homeless boy toy met up with the Aryans the night before. “Surpriiiiiise,” she sings, JUST LIKE HEIDI DOES. Lauren looks at Lo wordlessly. “Very shocking,” Lo whispers. I take back everything I said about Lo. I know she’s a bitch inside, but at least she’s a perky, entertaining bitch. LC says nothing, looking down with a smile plastered to her face. “So…. What else did I miss?” Isn’t that enough? Fine. If you keep asking, we’ll keep telling. Blahdrina?

“This is not easy for me to say, but…”

LC’s PISSED! Shocker. Later on, LC and Broday meet up for their weekly dish session. I’m beginning to wonder if she pays him for therapy services or something. She spends less than half a second talking about Italy before he interjects with an “I told you so! Neener neener neener!” about Stephanie. LC hasn’t heard the full story yet, so imagine her surprise when Brody mentions how Duhg told him he was merely going to a business dinner that night (which is technically true). But oh-ho! You whippersnappers never count on the old folk, do you? They’re only around during Spring Break packing, graduation, and Sweeps Week.

Indeed, Brode’s ma told him everything, and now Brody is taking even more pleasure than Spencer in being right about crazy little Stephanie Pratt. Bro reasons that Duhg didn’t do anything wrong because “boys will be boys, but Stephanie’s supposed to be one of your best friends.” Hold up. Isn’t Duhg supposed to be her “friend” too? Even if he wasn’t, it would still definitely make him a jerkwad for what he did. They’re both jerkwads, she shouldn’t be the only one to blame.

Anyway, that’s your episode, kiddies. Are you happy now? There’s one level of drama higher. But until we see some cheating, I won’t be satisfied. If Duhg cheats on Stephanie with LC, or oooh! better yet, with Heidi!!, THEN we can talk. Until then, praise Jesus you’re not involved with all this bullshit. Kisses!