This week on The Hills, Audrina still can’t believe anything she hears, Lisa Love Jedi mind-tricks Whitney, and Jason has traded Lauren for a pretty pet snake.
One day I will have a tiny little Monchichi inside me playing Centipede and spray painting my uterine wall.
For their are-they-or-aren’t-they lunch date today, Jason is wearing a sleeveless T from the Richard Simmons collection. Lauren makes fun of it and mentions she wears all his old clothes to work out. Girl’s still got some complicated feelings, because you don’t wear your ex’s clothes, even to sweat on them. Jason tells her he wants her to meet his girlfriend, and we’re supposed to believe that this is the first our girl is hearing of it since the editors dub in “Girlfriend?!” while filming the back of LC’s head. Come on, MTV. This is getting insulting.
Nevertheless, LC isn’t too thrilled with the idea, especially when Jason tells her she can meet her at the houswarming since they are moving in together. Aren’t you supposed to get a plant first? Lauren gives him the “you’re crazy” face. Wait, why didn’t he mention he was looking for two people when Lauren offered to help him apartment hunt? When Lauren says, “I would loove to meet her,” in her passive aggressive baby voice, we know some shit’s going to hit the diaper.
Waitress! Who do I gotta bribe for a refill around this dump?
Poolside, Lauren perches on the end of Deadrina’s chaise lounge and tells her about Jason’s girlfriend and the moving in situation. Deadrina “can’t believe it” for a change, but in true good friend form, offers to go with LC to the party. Speaking of parties, are they still going out tonight? HELL YEAH! And Whitney’s coming! Boy do I wanna see Whitney get drunk! Maybe she’ll fall down, or make wierd faces, or contradict herself!
Oh Yay! It’s time for one of those really awkward boss conversations with Lisa Love. We haven’t really gotten to enjoy this all season. She pronounces words like she’s speaking in code. She tells Whitney that she’s going to be in charge of a photo shoot for a band called Red. Jump. Suit. Apparatus. She says it like someone programmed it into the back of her head with a SIM card. I never heard of them so I punched up their website. They sing they same type of music as Jordan Catalano’s band where it starts off as a ballad and then it gears into a hard rock-ish finish with melodic screaming. Lots of pro-tools on the single. So, expect some douchbags. Lisa Love calls them “difficult.” Then she says if there’s a problem, “it’s your problem, it’s no one else’s problem.” Uh, yeah, Lisa, that’s what having a job is. Except Whitney seems a little unclear, so she says she thinks she can handle it. LIsa, the ever-supportive mentor, says “you better handle it” and snickers condescendingly. Whitney says “I guess I have no choice.” Maybe it was better when she had to hold the pin cushion in the rain and get pieces of tape ready. At least she wasn’t responsible for anything.
This is a matter of National Security. Don’t fuck up.
Now we finally get to see the live-action version of the Heidi goes fake shopping for a wedding dress . Did you guys know Jen Bunney was there? I did not, and for those of you who couldn’t believe I didn’t comment on the nose the first time, I have to say, who gets a nose job that makes the nose look bigger? Jen Bunney does. At least we don’t have a full view of her lower nostril area anymore. Mean enough? Hope so. Anyhoo, Heidi asks Jen if she’s excited about her dress which I think is supposed to trick us into thinking Jen is going to be a bridesmaid, but Jen says she’s getting a Vera Wang, so I figure she’s referring to her own someday wedding dress. Ugh. Can’t this show go back to real relationships and actual dialogue? Jen grills Heidi about getting married and if she ever wonders if it’s “not right.” Hahaha. It doesn’t seem like these girls are friends in real life anymore. There’s no gleeful, giddy shouts of “You look so beautiful! Wait ’til Spencer sees you coming down the aisle!” It’s just Jen Bunney leaning against a wall, pulling at her hair, telling Heidi that her friend dated a guy for like five years and they just broke up. Heidi makes a condescending statement about Jen “obviously not being in the right mind frame” and gazes at herself in the mirror. Jen rolls her eyes and turns to the p.a. “Can I get my per diem now? I’m fucking starving.”
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus are staying at the Magic Castle Hotel. (Hold on, wouldn’t the red jumpsuit be part of the apparatus if you were, say, jumping out of a plane? Oh, why quibble, Ting? I’m ornery today, gasmii). A man wearing a cape and holding a wand shows LC and Whitney to the band’s room. The girls have some jeans for the longhairs to try on and as they’re passing out sizes, one of them reveals he’s wearing ladies’ size 8 jeans. This quiets everyone. One dude pipes up, “So what’s goin’ on tonight?” The girls reveal they are going to a bar and invite the band to join them. As the girls pack up the car, Lauren wonders if it is appropriate to go out drinking with the boys. Whitney, handling the problem, doesn’t see why not.
They all meet up at The Dime, which is a notorious douchebag Hollywood bar, and the guys immediately press the girls to do shots. Now do you see why not, Whitney? She kind of does, and mentions she doesn’t know how smart that is since they all have to work in the morning. When LC asks if they’ve ever had redheaded sluts, Ladypants says pointedly “a few, in fact the last one gave me these jeans.” Faced with a night filled with that kind of banter, the girls decide that one shot wouldn’t be so bad. They’re wrong, because whatever the shot is, Deadrina actually has to plug her nose as she drinks it and the other two have to shake it off. Good times. The band invites the girls to another location, but they decline. Um, some people have to work in the morning. Hint, hint, Jumpsuit.
Now you know how we feel every time you try to make us swallow the Bustin storyline.
Deadrina is writing in her journal when Lauren wanders into the living room, yawning. Dead snaps the book shut, but not before we glimpse “Mrs. Deadrina Bobby” and “Mrs. D. Justin-Bobby” written in bubble letters over and over again. Deadrina “can’t believe” Lauren got up so early. Come up with something else to say, really, or I’m going to start pretending you aren’t there. LC hopes the band’s not late for the photo shoot. Fingers crossed, sweetheart. Tonight is Jason’s housewarming party. Great, it’s going to be so fun to meet the new girlfriend when you have a hangover. But Lauren says she’s “going to try to be nice to her” and then shrugs. Deadrina “can’t believe” they’re moving in together already.
As Whit and LC pull up to the photo shoot at the Santa Monica airport, Whit says she has a headache and Lauren hopes not to throw up today. Oh, girls. “Where’s the band?” they wonder. The band is still in bed at the hotel with the girl that gets cut in half. More dubbing as the the girls steam clean the clothes for the shoot, though I have to say, Whitney is pretty good at dubbing. I had to watch it a few times to see that we never see her mouth as she says “I hope we don’t get in trouble for keeping them out late” and “maybe they had car trouble.” Uh, if you don’t say anything, no one will know. The dudes finally show up. The girls wear sunglasses and speak slowly. Ladypants refuses to change the jeans he’s wearing because they’re not his, and Whitney tries to convince him by saying “they’re really really small.” “Yes,” he says, “but they’re not girl’s jeans.” Lisa Love is going to rap your knuckles with a ruler. The best part of the scene is when Whitney imitates Lisa Love in a female Darth Vader voice telling her “Whitney, yoo doo not have a future in this business.”
“Speidi Register at The Grove” is a new musical in previews at The Pantages Theater. The orchestra vamps as dancers with “Can I help you?” name tags push carts of china, napkins, candles, towels across the stage in figure eights around Speidi. Spotlight on Heidi. “Are you excited to be registerriiiiing!” Heidi sings. “I’m excited to be registeriiiing!” Spencer sings back. “Glaaaaasses! We neeeeed glaaaaasses!” Heidi sings, swirling and pointing the registering gun on every object she can get her sticky mitts on. “IIII’ve always waaaanted one of theeeessee!” her little voice soars with a purity not heard in her recent nightmare performance at LAX. Spencer puts a hand up. The music stops. “I don’t know what we need from anybody,” he says. “But you’re the oooonnnne whooo aaaasked mmeee to maaarrry you,” sings Heidi. “Aaaand yooou dooon’t seem into thiiis.” As you can guess, most of the audience leaves at intermission. Maybe they’ll take it to Toronto to retool it.
Beast and the Beast
Poor hung over Lauren drags herself to Jason’s housewarming where she has to meet the new GF, Katja. Katja has a really small head so her eyes look like they are each side like a serpent. Our girl looks corn fed next to her. They meet and say hello. Katja might be lovely, but her serpent head makes her seem bitchy and sneaky. Jason kisses her a million times so Lauren doesn’t feel awkward at all. “How do you like the apartment Jason and I picked out for you?” LC asks her. Katja hisses and slithers away. Everyone’s drinking out of the red plastic cups that the crew provides for all the underage guests. It’s convenient, because when a buddy announces that Jason and Snakehead just got engaged everyone can toast, even the 19-year-olds. LC needs air immediately.
Jason follows her out to the tiny patio and smokes on her. He knows she doesn’t like her, he says. That may be true, but that has nothing to do with the fact that you’re being an idiot, says LC. LC points out that Jason’s only 20, and substituting a child bride for a drug addiction that comes from crippling insecurity is not part of the program. Snake’s have acute sense of hearing, so Katja joins them on the patio and places herself between them. “Congratulations,” says Lauren, using her lower register.
Didn’t Harry Potter smoke your ass already? Some villains never die!
Whitney goes in for her spanking the next morning. Lisa Love is one of those creepy bosses who gets a full report of what happened from someone else before she asks you. “You ran the set, you did the call sheet,” Lisa Love says shaking her head “no.” “I tried, yeah,” says Whitney. “I did everythink you asked me to.” “No diva moments?” asks Lisa. Whitney tells her Ladypants wouldn’t change his clothes. Lisa shakes her head no again as she asks Whitney what she did about it. The head shaking must be a psychological trick because suddenly Witney volunteers that they went out the night before with the band. What! NO!!!! Don’t do that! Yeah, it was dumb, but none of Lisa’s business. Of course Lisa is pissed, but we only know that because she repeats the word “respect” three times, not because she changes her facial expression or raises her voice. She basically insinuates that Ladypants wouldn’t do what Whitney said because they went out. Watch the show, Lisa. Ladypants was a douche from the get go. Anyhow, Love tells Whitney she needs to “step it up.” Translation: keep your mouth shut.
Speidi play some more of the wedding story line for the cameras. Spencer actually starts the scene with, “So what did you want to ask me about the wedding?” Heidi wants to know if he’d like a spring or a fall wedding, and Spencer says he thinks they should just go to Tibet. You know, get one of those Tibetan wedding ceremonies you can just buy off the internet? Since we’re a lot like Brad and Angelina. And you know, even though we’re not Buddhists, it wll mean so much to us. Heidi’s not sure their parents want to fly to Tibet. It’s a Spencer trap! He showcases his little Chuckie doll teeth as he asks her why their parents have to be there at all, I mean he hasn’t even told his about the wedding.
Whitney and LC have lunch outside the Teen Vogue offices. Whit says she got her “ass whooped” by Lisa, but the jist is “she just has to do a better job.” Then she focuses in on LC, saying she looks “dazed.” LC tells her about the housewarming turned engagement party. Whitney “can’t believe it!” Jesus H. Christ! You can believe it! Lauren says it was hard to take seriously what with a kegger and a Bob Marley poster on the wall. Thank god it wasn’t her life anymore, because the Conrads would have insisted on cucumber sandwiches, a martini bar, and a pre-nup that included an ankle bracelet for Jason, ensuring the marriage would last less than two weeks.