Starter Wife Heidi and The Monchichi have lunch together. How could Lauren call her brainwashed? Just because she had a bad relationship doesn’t give her the right to suggest Speidi does! I mean there’s no comparison! Spencer cruises the street, tuning her out. After he orders her a salad, dressing on the side, and a very small amount of sweet potato fries, Heidi asks permission to paint the walls of their new home the color that represents both optimism and cowardice, light yellow. Monchichi buzzes her out for choosing the wrong answer. It looks like an internal alarm sounds in Heidi’s head, but instead of flipping the table and running for freedom, she opens her mouth so Spence can put a Xanax on her tongue. Welcome to The Valley of The Hills!
Over at the Hillside Villas, we watch Deadrina prepare for a date with her recent makeout Justin, the dude who once took her to Vegas and then abandoned her when she refused to go to a strip club with him. Lauren gasps when she realizes it’s THAT GUY, but Audrina is more circumspect. It was two years ago, before she became an emancipated woman! (According to the Oxford English Dictionary: Emancipated Woman, sgl. n. A woman who can totally go on a date where there’s expensive naked chicks and have fun without feeling demoralized.) Uh oh. Audrina, you know that Lauren doesn’t like it when her friends date douchebags! You’re about three episodes away from being shady and conniving.
Audrina assures LC she’s not going to be eyeing her from the sideview mirror of a UHaul anytime soon, but Lauren looks down at the kitten she’s petting like she doesn’t believe it and whispers “You’re my BEST FRIEND” in it’s ear. The cat doesn’t answer back. It’s too busy working the shit out of the smallest tennis sweater ever. That cat is so getting gay bashed if it’s ever let out on the street. Audrina makes plans to meet up with Lauren and Lo (she’s back!) later at Forty Deuce, which is not a strip club because the dancers wear tassels. One step at a time.
What’d this poor cat ever do to you?
Time for a pop quiz:
A) Heidi, after a fun day of unbelievable finds, comes home to find that Spencer has made her dinner and painted all the living room walls with primer so once they decide on a color they both like, they’re ready to go. “Primer?” asks a delighted Heidi. “This place is going to be so sophisticated! Just like us.”
B) Heidi, after a hard day of trying to buy a new sense of self, comes home to find that Spencer paid some taggers to spray paint the word “Hollywood” subway-style on the wall above the couch. “You said we needed to get some art,” says a disingenuous Spencer. “It’s a gift!”
Tagger code for: RUUUUUN!!!!
Undeterred by Heidi’s lack of enthusiasm, Spencer assures her he has more gifts and surprises in store for her this weekend, starting with a romantic getaway to Santa Barbara. Shhhh. Don’t tell Heidi, but while they’re gone, Spencer has arranged for a group of real homeless people to come in, break all the windows, smoke crack, and leave empty vials and/or sundries on the floor.
Deadrina, wearing a dress that looks like a tall kitchen garbage bag, heads to Cobras and Matadors to meet Justin, who appears to be a postmodern French poet/painter. Who likes strippers. It’s not quite a beret and it’s not quite a snood that he’s wearing, but it definitely makes him seem mysterious. Is he homeless or so rich shopping bores him? His teeth are almost as over-bleached as hers are. If they ever get married, I hope there’s a black light at the reception. To add to the allure, he pretends he can’t decipher the menu. They probably don’t have papas fritas in France. Or high school Latin. Semper Ubi Sub Ubi, Justin.
Wow. The Monica Lewinsky look is back. God help us.
Lauren and Lo play competitve online Soduko while waiting for Audrina to come home. Brains abuzz, they discuss second chances and whether people can change. Lauren, having one of those kundalini moments that makes us all love her, says, “I think that everyone can change if the right person comes along, and I think every girl wants to be the right person.” Meet you at Agape on Sunday, LC! Lo The Killjoy wonders why they can’t just pick someone who’s good already. Future Buddhist Nun LC explains that girls only feel special if they win, and nice guys are boring. And besides, there would be no TV show without shitty boys.
At Snakes and Bullfighters, Audrina cuts and feeds food to Justin since they don’t have utensils in France. Quill pens and paintbrushes don’t count. He uses his thumb to wipe crumbs from her face which means, “I like how much you’ve been working out,” in French culture.
After a chanting session, Lo and Lauren prepare for Audrina’s post-game arrival by drinking Red Bull. Lo wants to know what her date’s name is again. Lauren says his name is Justin, but he wants to change it to Bobby. They think they’ll call him Justin-Bobby which really is hilarious, although not as funny as Jobby or Bustin (or even Jubby or Bostin), but hey, Red Bull fucks you up.
The kids come home. Hopped up Lo whispers “we have to be nicer” as the lovers enter the temple. She forgets her own rule, and immediately questions Justin about the name change and if it’s okay if they call him Justin-Bobby. He has trouble with the translation so he tells her she can go fuck herself. He’s just here to abandon Audrina at a burlesque club. He excuses himself to Aud’s room in a voice that sounds as non-plussed and sexy as Johnny Depp’s circa 1987. (21 Sauter Par-dessus Rue?) Lo asks the Buddha if it’s okay to make fun of someone’s identity in an effort to make them feel comfortable.
After Audrina and Justin have a tete-a-tete, she tells the girls that Justin is a sensitive artist and they hurt his identity. So she hopes they understand that she and he are going to watch (almost) naked girls right now and you two can come later but I hope you don’t and so does he. She glances at Justin who is playing with the kitten and then mouths, “The French have no sense of humor.” Lo and Lauren totally get it, so they wish them safe driving and remind Bobby to at least call Audrina a cab when he wants her to leave. “A cab!” he jokes to Audrina, slapping her ass. As Aud trails him out of the apartment, she mouths over her shoulder, “See what I mean?”
The next morning, Lauren cooks eggs for her hopefully-bucking-the-trend BEST FRIEND. Aud tells her she thinks Justin has changed since 2 years ago, I mean, first of all, he drove her home, and also although he has disdain for all people, she talked to him off camera and told him LC is the star of the show so he’d like to get to know her better since they’re BEST FRIENDS. Ironically, Audrina is not ironically rocking an ironic old school t-shirt that says “Little Miss Bossy.” Lauren says he sounds wonderful and she totally trusts her BEST FRIEND’s judgement, or if not, encourages her to have fun. Audrina says maybe Bustin has a friend in his squat that they could double date with. LC reminds her that they have different tastes in men. She likes over-privileged emotionally-distant pretty boys and Aud likes emotionally distant pretty boys with questionable backgrounds. The same, they laugh, but different.
Spencer and Brody drive to the mall, rehearsing lines from an unauthorized secret version of John Hughes’ comeback movie about two douchebags who live off of other people’s connections. They’re hoping their curiously un-exposed benefactor they holla’d at in the Maxim interview can wrangle both of them auditions. And scene. Spence tells Brody he wants him to be his best man. Best man for what asks Brody, rolling a joint on a cd case and method acting all at the same time. Spence says he’s going to pop the question tomorrow. What are you talking about getting married? says Brody. Spencer breaks and can’t continue with the dialogue. Brody chides him that he can’t say “married” with a straight face. Matt and Ben they are not.
Fourth wall broken, Spencer insists he can at least get engaged for reals. Brody tries to drop science on his homey that he ain’t ready and don’t get Heidi’s hopes up, but brothaman is sick with love and the perfect flawlessness that is Speidi that he can’t listen or hear. He’s got to borrow Brody’s credit card for at least a hundred thousand dollars to buy a ring, but then I replayed it and maybe he said a hundred to a thousand dollars. Brody refuses, saying his father didn’t run and jump and throw heavy objects for two days so Spence could fake a life for MTV.
Deadrina goes to a local high school and gives a speech to 11th and 12th grade girls about empowerment. “I’m dating this guy that my friend doesn’t like because he left me in Vegas without a ride while he did blow and went to strip clubs, but you can’t listen to other people’s opinions about your life. You have to live your life for yourself and learn the hard way. I can’t listen to people’s cautions and besides I’ve been single for 3 or 4 years and I want a boyfriend. If you’re 18, register to vote at The Hills table set up outside the caf.”
Spencer and Brody roll up on Brentwood Gardens, a luxury outdoor mall. Spence thought he remembered a Tiffany & Co. there, or at least a Zales, but the directory’s only jewelry store listing is Ice Accessories. Gas is expensive, yo, so let’s do this thing. Ice sells purses and scarves and jewelry, but she doesn’t pierce ears. Leave that to Claire, her loud, ugly stepsister. Spence asks the sales associate to show him the most high end bling while Brody tries on alligator skin headbands. He picks one of the four 18 carat rings they have and buys it. He’s excited because it looks like something J Lo or Kobe would wear (both excellent marital role models). Spence wants to GPS the ring, so in case Heidi escapes, he’ll be able to track her. Since engagement rings are supposed to cost two weeks salary, I think he spent his allowance from Grandma Pratt, about 500-700 dollars. It hurts, but Heidi’s worth every penny. Spence thanks the associate for being a great “uh, helper.” Wait, what are white people with minimum wage jobs called? Brody makes up a song as they leave called, “You have officially lost your mind!” It only has one lyric, but it moves me.
Lauren drives home to Laguna to visit her mom, whose Mom Goodness exudes through the TV screen . She cuts the center out of tomato slices for Lauren since that’s how she likes them. Mom wants to know if LC is doing okay, and even though she’s already said it a million times, she wants to apologize again for passing down certain physical traits. Mom’s worried about LC getting “hardened” by life, and tells her she can always just live at home for the rest of her life and she’ll never have to eat a tomato seed again. LC, still trying to figure out an upside to all of this, thinks Hollywood just brings out the bad in people. Mama wants to make sure her little girl knows that L. A. is the only bad people place in the world. I mean, all the folks in Newport, Malibu, Mykonos, Turks and Caicos, even the villagers in Dharampur that your father and I distribute free eye glasses to, are just lovely, lovely people. Well, those people are not on my show, counters Lauren. Well, of course not, says Mrs. Conrad. Most of those people already have money.
On the sand near Grandma Pratt’s beach house, Speidi finally have a moment to themselves to express their most intimate feelings. No house to pretend to decorate together, no friends to convince of their sincerity, just the two of them and a film crew. Spence tells Heidi she’s pretty much the most amazing person and every day when he wakes up, the first thing he does is check her pulse to make sure he didn’t over-medicate her. That’s how much he loves her. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, so I got you a ring at an accessories chain store that doesn’t even have jewelry boxes so don’t get too excited because I’m not really serious and wear it on any finger you want because I have no idea, but wear it so I know where you are at all times.” Heidi thinks he’s the most everything person in the whole world. It’s hard to think of adjectives sometimes when someone asks you not to be their wife.
At the Conrad homestead, Mom tells Lauren that most people are good, just not anyone she knows right now, besides maybe that klutz Whitney. The point is, she doesn’t want her to have trust issues. LC rolls her eyes. Lauren asks if Dad’s around because he doesn’t bullshit her. “He’s at work right now, I think,” says Mama. She encourages her child to make the most of her time in the officecloset, and focus on her goals. Lauren stands alone on the balcony her dad built, contemplating the Pacific. Audrina cruises the PCH on the back of a motorcycle driven by the mysterious Jubby. Speidi wrap themselves in a blanket and celebrate their everythingness.