The Hills: Life’s Tough, Get A Helmet

This week on The Hills, things are a little bit sad. There comes a time when your parents can no longer save you, and parties get a little bit complicated.

We start with Speidi visiting a jeweler. Heidi has gotten so brain dead she can’t even open a door anymore. Once they finally make it inside the shop, they tell the helper they want to resize the controversial ring. Hey, why didn’t they take it back to Ice? Oh, right, it’s a costume shop, I forgot. The helper comments that the ring is beautiful and Heidi responds with L.A. gratitude: “Think yeow!” Yes, I do believe Hollywood has gone to her head. Then Speidi act out another one of those are-they-or-aren’t-they moments that have become incredibly tiresome. Heidi wonders which hand to wear the ring on. “Which is the engagement finger?” Spencer asks. (Ronnie can you get the pic of his face right after he asks that?)
As the helper draws up the nonexistent bill (Think yeow for the publicity!), Heidi asks Spencer to come home to Colorado with her to meet her family. This weekend. This weekend? This weekend. (By the way, does Spencer have adult onset acne? Or a super mole-y face I never noticed before? I’m going with the former because he looks more paranoid than usual). Spencer speaks in the monotone drone he uses when he’s lying. Although Brody’s barbecue is scheduled for this weekend, he’d rather go to Colorado with Heidi. Liar! Liar! Your face is on fire! Heidi smiles up at him proudly. His mouth contorts with the strain of trying to understand what he just agreed to. “Wow!” he says. “My head hurts!”

The girls go shopping. And by the girls, I mean Brody and Spencer. Granted, they’re at a tire store, but they’re still label whores. “These are all Mercedes,” Brody pouts. “And you don’t want to get the BMW.” Does Gucci make a tire?

Spencer tells Brody he’s going to visit Heidi’s family. In his typical passive-aggressive way, he acts like it’s this awesome thing without addressing the fact he’s going to miss the barbecue. Brody’s miffed because they’ve been planning this for two months. “I thought we were BEST FRIENDS!” yells Brody. “I haven’t felt so betrayed by BEST FRIENDS in so long!”

Deadrina and Bustin spend the day frolicking on the beach. They’re both wearing jeans and motorcycle boots. I find myself wondering how Audrina got soooo tan if it isn’t warm enough to wear bathing suits. She is freakishly beige, and shiny like someone just Liquid Gold-ed her skin. They cop a squat on the sand to have a very natural discussion about how Bustin and Lauren didn’t hit it off so well. Audrina makes the fatal error of saying LC worries about her because she’s “gotten fucked over by so many guys.” Now Bustin knows he will always have the upper hand with her, and he treats her gently. He tells her LC has nothing to worry about, unless Dead pisses him off. Then he punches her fist. How gentle! How reassuring! (Ronnie, great dead-eyed pick right after this happens).

Over at Chez Janky, Speidi pack for the big trip. Spence admits to being nervous, because he’s never had to bullshit real adults before, except, of course, for his professors at USC, but that’s only for two hours a pop, not for a whole weekend straight through. Spence wants to know who’s expecting them, and Hollywood Heidi replies, “Uh, I think the whole town knows we’re coming!” Either realizing that she’s not supposed to reference the show while on the show or that she sounds totally self-absorbed, she adds guiltily, “Just kidding.” Spencer tries to get more “intel” on what the family knows about him so he can start fabricating a personality they will like. Heidi says they know everything since she talks to her mom everyday. Spence looks crestfallen that he might actually have to be himself, whoever that is. “This is the heaviest thing I’ve ever done,” he says, apparently forgetting the lifelong commitment he made to Heidi two weeks ago. Maybe he’s going to have a hard time getting her mind-control pills past airport security.

Finally, 5 scenes in, we get to see our beloved heroine, LC. She’s having dinner with Deadrina and Lo at Boulevard Cafe. She invites the girls to Brody’s barbecue at “The Malibu.” Lo, because she’s wearing a Panamanian-lady-reporter hat, asks some hard hitting questions about the continued friendship with Brody. Come on, says Lauren, I’m always friends with my ex’s, unless they were BEST FRIENDS. “Yes, you are good at that. . .” leads Lo. LC insists that she and Brody get along really well even though he is BEST FRIENDS with her MORTAL ENEMY. Deadrina wants to know if Bustin can come. Lo’s excited for Dead, because every time he comes back into her life “it’s like a party again!” Lauren adds that he’s “complicated.” Hmmm, a complicated party. Like a birthday celebration at a ropes course, complete with a “find your way home from Vegas” trust challenge.

Speidi land in Crested Butte (which tempts me to call it Crusted Butt for the rest of the recap, but that’s gay and I’ll try to rise above it). Heidi’s home is just lovely, with small town store fronts and beautiful mountain ranges, kind of like South Park for real. As they drive to the Egelhoff homestead, Heidi is nervous, but more worried about Spencer’s “challenge.” “Are you going to have trouble breathing through your happy-face mask?” she asks, patting his shoulder.

As they pull into the driveway, Heidi’s mom, Charlene, runs by the side of the car yelling “open the door!” My eyes well up with tears. Maybe Heidi’s momma can talk some sense into her! Spencer gets out of the car and claps as he walks around to meet the family. Uh, oh, is he trying not to hit someone? Heidi hugs her sister, Holly, and little bro, Skye. Charlene hugs Spencer and he says, “Hello… family,” as he tries not to choke on the genuineness of small town folk. Heidi’s step-dad Tim shakes Spencer’s hand, and I hope he gives him the Alpha Dad knuckle crunch. As they walk towards the house, we see fields and horses. Spence confesses he’s hallucinating, because he had to swallow all of Heidi’s pills at the security checkpoint.

Let’s go to the barbecue, where there’s no parents and no authentic concern for life choices! Bustin and Deadrina roll up the PCH on the bike, wearing their little German helmets. Brody and Frankie chill out on the patio, making fun of “married boy” “flaking again” to be “with his wife.” He’s probably horseback riding! HAHAHAHA! Just then, Spencer poaches in by celly, and they tease him some more. “Just pretend I’m there,” says Spence, getting some Bolthouse trucker caps out of the car for Skye. “Not going to happen,” says Brody. “There’s no vendors on the beach right now. We’ll go shopping when you get back.”

Lo and LC arrive at the barbecue. LC pile hugs Brody and Frankie, who are thrilled to see the two of them. The boys challenge LC and Lo to a kayak race. Frankie actually says “we’re going to get our fitness on.” Audrina runs into the water with a thong-ish bikini on. It’s tiny. And she’s really tan everywhere. I mean, you can see a lot of her crusted butt. (I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Really). Bustin and Dead play in the water, the boys kayak, and other people play volleyball. After that, everybody plays football. Lauren is a really aggressive tackler. After one such tussle, Brody thinks Lauren broke his finger, and he shows it off to everyone, saying “Lauren did it.” This party just got really complicated.

The girls go shopping in Colorado, and by the girls, I mean Spencer and Charlene. While they peruse Crested Butte T-shirts, Heidi asks her dad what he thinks of Spencer. Tim, bless his patience, says slowly, “He’s. . .nice. He’s. . .polite. (pause) And as long as that’s the person YOU like. . .” he nods a little, not sure how to finish. Heidi, hoping for the best, says she always wanted a guy like her daddy. Tim, bless his diplomacy, says, “Well. . .if you think he’s that way. . . that’s all that’s important to me.” Then Alpha Dad says he hasn’t had “the talk” with Spencer yet. He means the Deniro “I’m watching you” talk, from, you guessed it, “Meet The Parents.” He doesn’t say all that, he just points two fingers at his eyes, then at hers, and back to his, when he says “the talk.” I love Tim. Save Heidi!

Let’s join the complicated party within the complicated party. The editors pan Bustin’s bod to reveal he’s wearing combat boots, short shiny seventies short shorts, a Hanes T-shirt, and a sweat-bandanna. Brody whimpers some more about his finger to Deadrina, until he finally decides to go “get it checked out.” Uh, Bruce? Can you send your personal doc over to The Malibu? I’ve been drinking all day, and this party is too complicated to get out of.

At the Egelhoff ranch, the family picnics in the backyard with what, I swear to god, looks like authentic, non-ironic cornbread muffins. Spencer looks like he’s choking. Tim asks Spencer to go for a walk and talk to the horse pasture. Tim tells Spencer he’s happy to meet him, and he “kind of wants to build the trust that he has with Heidi. . .with you. . .somehow.” Tim could have written for Little House on the Prairie. His forthrightness is touching. My eyes sting every time he talks. Spencer squirms and blurts, “I mean, all I can tell you, is my whole life, I never never thought, I was the kind of person who, wanted to get so serious with a girl EVER, because I was like oh I’ll get married when I’m fifty, but at the end of the day I just love spending every second with Heidi, so. . .” Tim silences him with his Alpha Dad-ness. He explains that Heidi’s always dropped her friends when she gets a boyfriend and he’s worried about what will happen to her “if things go South.” It’s amazing that Heidi’s parents would be so honest about her bad patterns. I feel sorry for Tim trying to reason with Spencer. I want him just to say, “You let her make some friends you little varmint or I’ll drive up to LA County with my shotgun and blow your nether regions into tarnation!”

As the day wanes, Deadrina looks on as Bustin picks up a chick with bad skin. The girl actually has her phone out and is entering his number. Dead complains that he’s “such a flirt.” Come on, Dead! It’s totally unacceptable! Brody strolls in with a cast past his elbow. The white gauze seems to go on forever. He pulls out X-rays and says he has to have surgery next week. The whole thing seems so ridiculous that LC and Audrina double over with laughter. Brody’s pissed, and says, “Wait ’til it happens to you!” (needs joke)

The Egelhoffs must have had a Save Heidi pow wow. Charlene tries to talk to her daughter about the exact same thing Tim broached by the horse pasture. Where will Heidi go if they have trouble? “I have a lot of friends– a lot of Spencer’s friends, and they have girlfriends. . .” Uh, Heidi, when you break up with someone, their friends don’t want to hang out with you. They might sympathy hang for a month or so, but after that they won’t want their girlfriends around you either. Charlene presses her about the breakdown with Lauren, insisting that spending time with the boyfriend could not have been the only thing that contributed to the loss. Hollywood Heidi points to the cameras and says “Shut UP, Mom.”

Night falls on the barbecue, and it seems like Brody has taken some Vicodin because he’s able to approach Lauren about his hurt feelings when she laughed at him. They joke, and Brody, in his most likable moment of the entire series, tells her he’s a little insecure about “THIS!” as he waves the huge cast in front of him. It’s a funny, sweet moment, and Lauren apologizes by kissing the gimpy hand. I detect a little flirtation between the two of them. Hmmmm. The pot chickens, as they might say on Little House.

The Egelhoffs take the kids for dinner at Tim’s restaurant, which is not too shabby. On the website, the menu boasts a 14 dollar hamburger, as well as a link to Charlene’s mountain real estate practice. The Egelhoffs got their shit tight. This does not escape Spencer, who cannot believe they painted the whole restaurant by themselves. I mean, he had to hire some kids for a 6′x4′ mural, and Heidi couldn’t even finish painting over it by herself. The Egelhoffs have not given up on Save Heidi. Charlene insists you’ve got to go through “hard times” before one can make a real commitment. Still not getting the subtlety of direct communication, Spencer says he would marry Heidi today if she were ready. Uh, no, Spencey, she basically suggested the complete opposite idea. She doesn’t think posting an angry blog on your website constitutes “hard times.” Just a guess, douchebag.

Lauren and Brody share a moment about the deterioration of the girls’ friendship, and by girls I mean Brody and Spencer. Brody says he spends all his time with Heidi now, and you can tell he feels kind of gay saying it, but the fact remains. “I get it,” says Lauren. “You wanna go get some Pinkberry and skip the gym?”

When Heidi excuses herself to the restroom, Charlene keeps trying to hit her mark. She challenges Spencer to explain why Heidi had to choose between him and Lauren. The stress of trying to appear as nice as they are finally gets to him and he cracks. He imitates Lauren maniacally saying “I want Heidi to myself,” while shaking his head side to side. He looks like a cartoon villain. The show is not lost on the Egelhoffs. (Ronnie? Pic of him doing the face and their reaction?)

Charlene tries to keep going, pointing out that Heidi and Lauren had been friends for two years, and Heidi has a big enough heart fro everyone. Hollywood Heidi, rejoining the group, gives her mother the death stare. “Do you want Tim’s restaurant on the show or not?” she hisses.

Finally, after drinking all day, our girl is drunk. Not slurring, “jack pot” drunk, but sad, reminiscing drunk. She and Deadrina huddle, legs interlocked, talking about friendship. And although LC’s mom thinks Deadrina is great, she’s not as great as Heidi was, cries LC. Dead consoles her by saying that Hollywood went to Heidi’s head, and she let a guy control her. But Jason “hated HATED” Heidi, counters LC, and she didn’t care. More drunken “you’re the best and I love you and I’d do anything for you and you have a lot of other good friends” and they hug it out. It’s good that LC is finally coming to terms with the lost friendship

The Egelhoffs are old school. Even though Speidi live together, and have some sort of ring between them, Spence has to sleep on the couch. Goodnight, Prattboy.

LC decides to make more drinks. Lord, I hope she’s spending the night at The Malibu. Audrina comments she hasn’t seen Bustin in awhile. As LC makes her way towards the kitchen, she spies one of the little German helmets on the couch. She brings it back outside to show Audrina. As we watch Audrina realize Bustin left her at the party, without saying good bye, it’s her last question, “Really?” that breaks your heart. She starts crying. LC winds up for the one perfect moment she has every episode. “Look at me,” she says, smiling. “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach!” They laugh and hug, and LC puts the helmet on. “Life’s tough,” she says, knocking on her head. “Get a helmet.” What a complicated party.