The Hills: New Bitch In Town

You know how on every show, the episode after a big shitstorm episode nothing really happens? Sort of a breather, a catch-up episode? I wanted to say that tonight’s show was one of those… only not enough happened last week to classify it as such. Just the same level-5 drama we’ve come to expect. I don’t know how it happened, but I actually missed Kelly Cutrone. But it’s okay, still plenty of shit to make fun of. Join us, won’t you, for another half hour of our heroines bobbling around in flowy dresses that don’t show off their well-earned (or bought) bodies and makeup-addled faces? Welcome to The Hills, y’all!We open in an unfamiliar territory. It seems to be some sort of office space, but considering the fact that we haven’t seen anyone work in, like, four weeks that seems a highly unlikely setting. I’m wrong, it’s Bolthouse (remember them?) now known as SBE (or has it always been called that and I just don’t care enough to pay attention to the finer details?) and Heidi is entering Brent’s office and closing the door, which could signal the beginning of one of two possible scenarios: either she’s having the dreaded “give me a raise or I leave” talk, or it’s the beginning of a very bad porno. Or a very good porno, depending on which side of the Heidi fence you straddle.

“Let’s just keep this between you… and… me…”

Golden tresses perfectly cascading, Heidi inquires as to Brent’s well-being. He replies that he’s “crazy, but in a good way.” The last person who said that was Britney. I’m not falling for it again! In a none-too-subtle publicity push for SBE, Heidi remarks upon the expansion of the company’s presence “all over the country” and says she wants to be as much a part of it as she can, and in a poorly overdubbed line, some lie about not minding the possibility of relocating. Come now, how could that be true when you just tried (and failed) to get the Hollywood sign temporarily changed to “Heidiwood?” In any case, I don’t blame her for throwing herself into her “work” now that she has no friends or fucks to occupy her time, mind, and iPhone. What else is there to do?

Brent babbles on in officespeak about brands, markets, and daunting paces, to the earnest (if lightly bewildered) face of Heidi. All she hears is “casino” and “Las Vegas” and throws her name immediately into the hat. “I am up for the challenge,” she promises. So why does she look so goddamn worried?

“Market, market, market… like a farmer’s market?”

At the LauLoBlah Hacienda, LC and Lo are basking in the glory of wealthy California living. The sound of birds chirping, ice clinking, and skin baking can be heard as they relax among the hibiscus and lapping pool water of their new home. Lo has certainly situated herself as Best Friend to LC (nearly vying for top spot on the show) by acting at once omnipotent yet uncaring, rolling her head around in the sunshine and dotting her sentences with the response, “Coo’.” You know you’re better than everyone else when you no longer feel the need to use the L. Yet Lo must be cautioned not to veer into Disinterested Trophy Wife/MILF territory too soon, as she does her fair amount of glass-swirling and laissez-faire philosophizing poolside.

“Eh. Let the kids drive themselves to soccer practice.”

Something about the similarity in those dresses makes me sure that LC’s promoting her own clothing line on her own show. Cross-pollination takes an incestuous leap forward! “Let’s do something fun today,” Lo suggests, in stark contrast to her usual proposals for manual labor and the conceptualization of abstract theory. Just then, Blahdrina emerges from her Blahcave, which by now surely reeks of Dep hair gel, motorcycle grease and that indefinable dirt smell associated with homelessness since Pigpen’s been hanging around. Blah, with her black Winehouse beehive, is wearing an outfit in total opposition to Lo and Lau’s cabanawear: she’s got on a green (oh my! colors!) tank, black pants and black knee-high boots. Damn you, L.A. Any town that can produce both that look and a beach dress in one day (in the same backyard, no less!) just plain confuses me.

Blah explains that today, instead of fun in the sun, she’s going to hover around Alkaline Trio’s studio session and make sure they have all the Perrier and crudités they can stuff their faces with. “So you’re working?” Lau confirms. Blahdrina’s response seems unsure, but I guess when every step you take is one you get paid to show the world, then yeah, everything’s work, technically. She invites her roomies to come check it out, but is met with less than blaring enthusiasm. Lauren at least smiles politely and fakes excitement at being “groupies for the day”; Lo, on the other hand, remains silent but for the screaming look of displeasure at the prospect of hanging out with mezzo-rock stars. I’m not sure what her fucking problem is, but the least she could do is say, “Um yeah, we’ll see. Thanks!” or something. I mean, I’m a total bitch and I at least give people that kind of courtesy.

“Do I have to wear cow for that?”

The moment Blahdrina walks away, the girls look at each other knowingly. Every pair of girlfriends does this. It just happens. You stay silent and don’t say what you’re really thinking until that person walks away, then you look at each other and say pretty much the same thing at the same time, accomplishing two things: you insult the other girl behind her back and reinforce your own friendship. Two birds with one shot. Why, oh why are girls like this? Anyway, this is exactly what LC and Lo do, and I’ll give you a multiple-choice guess as to what Lo and Lauren are both thinking, and what Lo says aloud.

“All I wanna do is ___”
a) go see Alkaline Trio.
b) solve the remaining mysteries of quantum physics.
c) shop.
d) put a zoom-zoom-zoom in your boom-boom.

Don’t cheat and look at your partner’s quiz! Next we arrive back at Bolthouse, where we see our long-lost semi-friend Kimberly! Oh Kimmy I’ve missed you so. It’s only unfortunate you’ve fallen victim to that Bangs Virus going around.

I just don’t know where her eyelashes end and her bangs begin.

It’s like her face is a stage, and the curtain is ever-so-slowly rising, revealing a wannabe starlet. I think Stephanie had a case of that a few weeks ago. Heidi brags to her about how Brent wants to make her project manager (what is this, “The Apprentice”??) of the Vegas thing. Kimberly uses the slight pauses in Heidi’s spiel to show her true disdain with a few unbelieving “really?!”s and “oh. huh.”s. Heidi takes no notice, instead continuing her ramble about how exciting it’s all going to be, including the upcoming traveling opportunities. In her final attempt at a passive-aggressive dig (and really, who does Kimberly think she’s up against in that department!), ol’ Kimmy innocently asks, “What’s Spencer gonna say?” Heidi replies that she doesn’t care (or so we can tell from the dialogue laid over a series of reaction shots)… so why does she barely stop short of making the throat-slitting motion?

“How long do I have to pretend to listen to you?”

Quick! What band’s frontman has a slew of tattoos, a guitar with a ca-ray-zee sticker on it and wears a black shirt?

Ummm, every band.

Okay, I’ll give you a harder question: what band has the best manager ever, who snagged them a spot integrated within the one television show that has obtained, and kept, the hearts and TiVOs of every human within their demographic? Alkaline Trio. Their manager must have done some serious sexual favors for this one. I think I remember these guys from a few years ago (like when I was in high school) but I don’t remember what throwaway hit they had. It doesn’t matter. Real rockers never age.

Like good girls, Blahdrina and Chiara nod and say, “They’re so good. I love his voice.” Honestly, this dude’s voice sounds like every other pop-punk singer’s voice ever. Good Charlotte, Fall Out Boy, all the way back to Sum 41. Pick your poison. They all sound alike: sort of earnest, a touch rockin’, but mostly pussy. (In fact, that might be the very definition of pop punk itself.) Lauren strolls in, dragging Lo in behind her like the dog she tricked into going to the vet.

“Wait a second! This doesn’t look like Nordstrom!”

We now interrupt this program for a special message brought to you by the Native American Adam Sandler.

“Have you seen my hit movie, ‘Reign-dance Over Me?’”

NAAS asks for confirmation that this is, in fact, good music, and is met with a tepid response from the blondies, who start joking around about fucking with the equipment and get their own crickets and silence in return. I guess A. Trio’s manager must have only turned some lukewarm tricks for this gig, because although they’re on the show, they were chosen to be the Band That Bores Lo. She doesn’t pay attention to what’s going on at all, busying herself with her Blackberry instead, until she finally nudges Lauren and whimpers, “I’m hungry!” like a five-year-old who just doesn’t feel like being at the library anymore.

Meanwhile, Blah looks at them with a broken heart and Chiara glares, all, “Don’t you know how fucking cool this is (supposed to be)???” Lauren, as if possessed, asks Lo if she wants to leaves. “YEAH.” Lo’s sudden demon eyes seem to make LC do her bidding. What a little string-puller she’s become. She goes from butterfly to bumblebee with one sharp look, staring straight into Lauren’s soul until LC rescinds and agrees to leave.

“AND THEN YOU WILL BUY ME ANIMAL CRACKERS”

To her credit, LC asks Blah to come with them, but obviously she’s working. Ner! Lo doesn’t even wait for Blahdrina to finish her “no thank you” before chirping, “Okay! Thanksbye!” They bid a fond farewell to Blah, NAAS, Chiara, and the band that may or may not actually be playing in the studio at that moment and head to a sushi factory, complete with sushi conveyor belt, which seems like it was created solely for Lo’s avian glee and attention span.

“Wheee! I wanna be a sushi!”

Lauren admits that she knows they should have stayed longer, but Lo protests that she’s “just not cool enough to hang out with bands.” Ummmm, from her behavior before it seems like she meant to say “too cool.” If it weren’t for her thinly veiled amiability, she’d be the embodiment of “too cool for school.” Lauren, feeling guilty, suggests that they buy their token brunette a “Chateau Blahdrina” sign for her little house, you know, to make it up to her (not to mention play up the fact that she’s totally separated from the both of them). You know it’s bad when you have to buy your own roommate a housewarming gift.

“But I want a ChatLauLo sign! Buy me mine first!”

Time for our weekly Stephanie/Heidi fucked-up therapy session! Steph enters Heidi’s pad with an exchange of “Helllooooo!”s reminiscent of that “Seinfeld” episode where… well, you know, the one where they’re all “Hellooo! Lahhh Lahh Lahhhhh…” Anyone? Well anyway, today Steph is one half Mom-in-the-Catskills and one half Alaskan slut. Seriously, this ski boots-and-skirt combo? Oh California, you so crazy!

“Who’s up for tanning on the iceberg?”

Stephanie eagerly complains about her nightmare of a roommate, to an unsympathetic ear (obviously). She exclaims that he must move out sometime! “Guess he’s gonna be homeless,” Heidi mutters. Heid tries to tell Steph about her big new job opportunity (which includes traveling! did you hear?) but all she gets are oddly enthusiastic responses from Steph, such as “YOU’RE. LYING!” and “who’s Sam? Is he hot?” No, Cokie McGee, he’s her fucking boss. Settle down.

“HEHEH… DUDE I’M SOOOOO HIGH…”

Steph can’t believe what she’s hearing (what do the Pratts ever believe in?) and agrees with Kimberly that this is going to piss off Spencer. I don’t see what the big f-ing deal is about this business trip. She’s not moving. She’s not going to be gone for months and months. It’s just a business trip. It’s what we in the working world call a step up. If every female stopped herself from moving up in this way because of a boy, as LC and now Heidi seem to do, then we’d end up with a world run by men! Oh, wait…

But I digress. As I was saying, Stephanie moans this as another distancing move in the relationship, whining, “but you’re PERFECT for each other!” Well, that’s for goddamn sure. They’re like the Brangelina of the insipid reality TV world. Heidi warns her not to tell Spencer. Sure, yeah, don’t tell your brother-slash-roommate that his girlfriend’s leaving town. That’s like telling Blahdrina not to wear mascara.

Back at the LoLauBlahteau, a delightful little bitch is following the every move of a squeaky plaything. No, it’s not Lo and her newest pool toy, it’s LC and Lo’s new puppy dog! She IS totes adorable, I’ve gotta say. Just look at that face!

Awwwwwww!

Behold, the only creature in danger of robbing Lo of the title of Cutest Thing On Earth. Lo is soooo happy that the dog “has blue eyes, just like us!” Yes, good, another way to stick it to hazel-eyed Blahdrina. They swoon over Chloe. Wait, they named their dog Chloe? I’m sorry, but no. No, no no. Chloe is NOT a dog name. Spot or Buster or fuck, even Bella is a better dog name. Chloe is the name of a human (and an awesome “24″ character). In any case, soon Blahdrina comes home and enters the room like a mom checking on her mischievous twin daughters.

“Who wants milk ‘n’ cookies?”

Lau/Lo excitedly show off their new addition to the family, holding the pup up like the infant Simba in “The Lion King” and commanding plenty of “ooh”s, “aah”s and “omigodsokewwwt!”s from Blahdrina. They explain that they got her at a shelter that day. At least they did something good, instead of just getting one of those designer dogs or purebreds. “At Puppy Day Care, she’s gonna be like, ‘I have two mommies!’” Lo exclaims. Ummm, how many things are wrong with that sentence?

“But there are three of us… does that make me the daddy? Wait, what?”

As Blahdrina’s eyes fill with tears and soft, sad music plays in the background, the puppy suddenly goes on the hunt for some milk, biting Lauren right on the tit. That pup must be starving.

All the books said nursing would be hard.

Blahdrina leaves without a word. I mean really, what is there to say in that situation? “Glad we got a puppy, but sorry about your nips?” Across town at the Aryan compound (another blue-eyes-only club), Stephanie is explaining the decaying process of bread, beginning with exposure to oxygen molecules. Spence doesn’t seem too concerned, parked in his usual ass-expanding spot on the sofa, playing with his iPhone. They argue about the same old shit, but all I can focus on is Stephanie’s seamless transition from Arctic Yuppie Skank to Go-Go Dancer at the Denim Factory.

Like Goldie Hawn, with less charm. And born in a Levi’s warehouse.

This girl really has a flair for the art of the costume change. Here’s another costume change: into Heidi as she accuses Spencer of controlling her life. He rightfully tells her she’s insane and informs her that he doesn’t care what she does with her life. (We’re with you, Spence.) He says he can’t wait to move out… but if that were true, wouldn’t he just do it? Get a bachelor pad with Brody? (They could even call it the Bro-chelorpad.) I was starting to lean towards being on Spencer’s side until he resorted to the ever-mature “LA LA LA LA LA” shouting method to get rid of Stephanie and her yammering. I wonder if this is the technique employed by President Bush when North Korea starts mouthing off?

The other method of avoidance: just pretend you’re passed out. Always works for me.

Later, Blahdrina and her dirtbag sneak into the big house, but only after making sure no one else was home. Hey, isn’t she supposed to keep him quarantined to the Blahteau? I’m sure the blondies wouldn’t be too happy to see him laying his pawprints all over their perfect new beige castle. They decide to live on the edge though, and hang out in the kitchen while Pigpen commands her to make him some breakfast. Ooohh, the titles reveal a modicum of drama in promoting Pigpen from “Blahdrina’s Nasty-Ass Ex” to “Blahdrina’s Dreadfully Dull Boyfriend.” Or, you know, something to that effect. They are now officially “together.” As in, they are now officially “fucking on a regular basis.”

Hold the phones. Exactly when did Pigpen become this… well… cute?

It may have happened when he took a half step up from leather jacket to flannel.

This is sort of frightening. Maybe it’s the lack of cow product wrapped around his torso, or perhaps it’s the clarity and whiteness (read: no blood-shotness) in his eyes that allow us to see that they’re blue. Maybe it’s because he’s not wearing a douchey hat or motorcycle helmet. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate him, but I don’t know what it is. Suddenly our Justin-Bobby has become – dare I say it? – kinda fuckable. He advises Blahdrina (who’s been pretending to scramble eggs and jabbering on about how she doesn’t feel comfortable in the house, which we all already knew) to just move out. Sure, just run away from the problem! No need to discuss it with the two other adults with whom you signed a legal document… just ditch the problem altogether so you won’t have to deal with it at all. But I must say, Pigpen seems to be at least listening and trying to pay attention to Blahdrina. Huh. I’m starting to side with Spencer and Pigpen??? What kind of world are we living in? Down is up!

But don’t worry, dear reader. All is back to disgusted normal as I watch Pigpen give a half strawberry cunnilingus while staring at Blah(ughhhH)drina.

“If you play your cards right, this berry could be YOU…”

At Van Nuys Airport, a private jet is waiting for Heidi and those old dudes going with her to Vegas. She steps out of the limo and boards the jet like Jackie O. or something, all full of class and shit. Once in the air, Sam (NOT hot, for all you Stephanies out there… more just like your creepy Uncle Dino who may or may not be in the mafia) asks Heidi what was stopping her from traveling before. I would like to say she is demure and politely avoids the question, but the truth is, she stutters with no answer to even bullshit her way out. She’ll make a fine PR rep. At Brent’s pressing, she says (aloud!) that she had a boyfriend but that they broke up. Can I get that in writing?

“Want me to have him killed?”

These fellows, too, tease her about how crazy Spencer will get when he finds out she’s on a trip to Vegas. I just don’t see what the big deal is – I’ve been on plenty of business trips and none of them began or ended with a breakup (or even the threat of one). What do you guys think? Is Heidi leaving for longer than I thought?

Meanwhile, Spencer goes over to Heidi’s apartment and comes right in (after knocking, of course). He explores the empty apartment with confusion (and possible fear of a burglar).

“Dude, there’s a dude in my house!!”

After verifying that his woman is not, in fact, home, he calls his loving sister to say what the hell? I’m just curious as to how he knew that Heidi was gone baby gone when she could have easily been, you know… at the mall?

So, in conclusion… I’m wondering why Heidi seemed even more uptight than usual this week – she’s not a good enough actress to convey that extra layer of worry and not a good enough actress to hide real worry under the guise of just relationship woes. I wonder if this was shot around the same time as her stepbrother’s unexpected death, because I know that the producers decided not to integrate it into the season. I thought maybe the Vegas thing was just a way for her to get to go home and she wouldn’t be there next episode, but sure enough, next week’s finale is fraught with Vegas showdowns. Can’t the girl get a break? Anyway, as I said…. next week’s the finale! Shots on me!