The Hills: Nice ‘N’ Easy Girls Duke It Out

On tonight’s episode of The Hills, Stephanie gives the worst interview of all time (and yes, that’s counting Heidi’s interview at Fit’Em), LC proves she actually DOES have the capacity to forgive (or the devilish capacity to set someone up for utter failure), and Heidi does something we never thought she’d do.

At the wrecked home of Heidi and Spencer, Stephanie wafts in wearing what appears to be a threaded interpretation of a “Gilligan’s Island” episode: goofy hat and a formless dress that looks like the ocean. If the ocean were hideous.

She explains that the door was open. “That doesn’t mean come in if you’re not invited,” Spencer sneers. He’s right, you should at least wait until the director yells “action.” He likens her hat to one belonging to a train conductor, and I have to admit, he actually has the better zing. I absolutely detest when Spencer out-zings me!

Stephanie proceeds to inform Spencer that she’s spoken with Heidi and that Colby is back in her life. Mmmmyeahhhh, because being set up by your parents to run into each other at the Early Bird Special means the romance is ON. Apparently Spencer knows all about Colby and how much Heidi’s mom loves him, which seems odd to me until I tell myself, “Cue cards, O. Snapp, remember the CUE CARDS.” Although Spencie doesn’t seem too concerned about the reconnection, he does take this as a sign of permission to keep going out with Captain Doucheface and his tequila-swigging hooker friend Stacie.

At People’s Revolution, my absolute favorite cuntface, Kelly Cutthroat, is back in action calling Lauren up to her office and complimenting her on her oh-so-20s blouse. (Do people still say blouse? Is that SOOO grandma of me? Well, my grandma was born in the 20s so I’m just gonna go with it.)

Speaking of Whit, Cutthroat is just dying without her blank looks and helpful love advice (or maybe that’s LC) so PR is hiring an intern to lend the firm a hand. NOT to be confused with lending a firm hand, not that that would be a problem at all, right LC? Anyway, Cutthroat lists her criteria as honest, committed, supportive. Basically, anybody who’s not like everybody else on this show. Some people should BE committed, but really, none of LC’s friends seem like they’d be good hard workers under the watchful eye of one Kelly Cutrone. Nevertheless, KC asks LC for some recommendations, with the warning that she should be careful not to refer the wrong people. Like, say, anyone blonde. And bitchy. And kinda trashy.

Naturally, the very next thing we see is LC having lunch with Stephanie. I guess LC is a lot less mad at Stephanie than was previously depicted. Didn’t she hate her last week? “I’m SO hungry,” says LC, her eyes widening like she canNOT believe it. This hunger is astounding! Stephanie asks her if she always feels like she has to stay in shape. I would think so, given the publicity LC gets from US Magazine whenever she drops 3 pounds by working out constantly and adhering to a delicious diet of steamed fish and veggies. “That’s what baggy shirts are for,” LC replies. “DRESSES,” Stephanie agrees. Ah, is that why they always wear the most slovenly clothes? Because they’re afraid to show off the figures they’ve worked so hard for? Tsk tsk, Hollywood, you’re one vicious mistress. LC mentions to Steph that they’re looking for an intern, which prompts a reaction both curious and slightly fearful from Ms. Pratt.

Steph expresses her desire to apply for the position, though sighs that “like, a hundred people probably want that job.” Uhhhh, low estimate anyone? I’m sure a thousand people want it. PR is located directly next door to Babeland. Oh, and you’d get to work with LC while constantly trying not to look at the camera. LC offers to get her an interview, which is the worst idea since giving Spencer a shot of Patròn.

At the Aryan Castle, Spencer enters and off-camera we hear Heidi calling out to ask if it’s him. I guess you never know, considering the fact that regular bums seem to wander in off the street if the door’s open. And by “bums,” of course I mean Stephanie. The couple have their joyous reunion, Spencer making subtle jabs about Heidi’s mother, Heidi complaining that a couple “in love” shouldn’t fight all the goddamn time. Spencer, in classic Pratt fashion, turns all blame onto Heidi for her dinner rendezvous with Colby. But Heidi isn’t having it, pointing out that taking shots with a bartender is hardly the same thing. But you know, even though she’s right, it would be a lot easier to take Heidi seriously if her voice didn’t grow ever shriller as their spat progresses. I know all that lip gloss makes it easy to run one’s mouth, but a better mode of argument would be flat iciness. I mean… in my experience, anyway.

After Spencer sighs that three days without Heidi is three days without fighting, she asks him if he saw Stacie again. He scoffs. Ladies, and even gentlemen, if you ask this of your significant other and the immediate answer isn’t a horrified “NO!” then the answer is most definitely YES.

At PR, Stephanie toddles in wearing a generic interview outfit and expresses her nervousness. LC assures her by complimenting her outfit.

Stephanie goes up to Kelly’s office, and Cutthroat does her best Miranda Priestly impression by first not looking up, then lifting her eyes only to assess Steph’s plain jane outfit, then finally standing to begrudgingly shake her hand. She can already smell the fear. Steph takes several deep breaths and giggles, and Cutthroat asks her if she’s okay. “I’m nervous,” Steph replies, “I haven’t done an interview in a REALLY. LONG. TIME.” Ummm. Good start? As Kelly reads her resumè, Steph fills the silence by declaring, “My final objective in life is to have a handbag line, so I really wanted to work here, just to… you guys have a lot of really good designers here who… and you do really good PR here… it’s just really awesome…” Oh my holy Lord. Where to begin? Firstly, a handbag line is your FINAL objective in life? I think everyone’s final objective is to die, whether they like it or not. Nature dictates this objective. Secondly… if you don’t know what to say, STOP TALKING. Thirdly, never say “really awesome” in an interview.

“So you basically wanna use MY experience and MY clients to ultimately leave here and go make your handbag line?” Cutthroat snaps, living up to her nickname. “No! No no no no no! Like, this is, like, eventually in, like, a decade,” Stephanie covers (and weakly so). Cutthroat snorts. “You should be able to move quicker than that, Honey!”

Kelly continues to condescend to Steph by asking her if she knows how to use a computer, prompting a happily authoritative “YEAH!” from the interviewee. Kelly asks if she knows how to print labels. “Print… labels…” Steph repeats, hoping that by repeating the words she’ll perhaps understand them. Cutthroat begins to explain what she means by “print” and “labels” and Steph slowly tries to finish her sentence, concluding with, “Is it, like, stickies?” Kelly openly laughs at the peon before her.

Kelly ups the ante by testing Stephanie’s French skills. This is like watching that scene in “Princess Bride” when Wesley is in the Pit of Despair and that albino guy keeps taking the torture device up one notch at a time. Kelly is torturing Stephanie one level at a time.

Cutthroat ends the interview by telling Stephanie that there’s no crying in her office. I guess it’s a lot like baseball in that way. Stephanie replies that that’s good, she “wants a strong backbone.” Ack! I am cringing. She and her little sister-in-law have got to learn that a spine is something you’re born with, much like a brain. And if you don’t have it, honey, you’re never gonna get it.

On the streets of Los Angeles there roams a dangerous presence. It makes you do bad things and it… it has disgusting facial hair. That’s right, it’s Captain Doucheface, and he and Spence are out for a boys’ night. All I’ve got to say is, I’ve known guys who drove around aimlessly with red, sweaty faces, danced in their cars to innocuous hip hop music, and rhymed with little to no style at all while giggling over nothing. Do you know what I call those guys? Stoners. Deadbeats. Ne’er-do-wells.

Meanwhile, out for sushi, Ms. Pratt and almost-Mrs.-Pratt, gussied to their finest, Cinderella dewiest, are talking about the former’s interview with the beast of People’s Revolution. Curiously, Steph is only telling Heidi about the good parts of the interview (of which there is only one: the fact that she read her resumè. If you can call that a good part). Heidi complains that Spencer has a double life. Steph blames it all on Charlie, whom she claims is a bad influence. I’ll buy that. Before him, Steph says, Spencer was “good husband material.” I will NOT buy that. No thank you, Vanna. Stephanie suggests that since the boys are out, they should go out too. “Where?” Heidi says innocently. “EVERY BAR THAT WOULD BE GOOD TONIGHT.” Hey, I have an idea, how about the bar you know your douchey fiancée will be at? Stephanie agrees. “You need to know where he is,” she urges Heidi. Ugh, this has trouble written all over it.

To a pop punk cover of “Toxic,” we join the Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Douche at H-Wood, where they’re discussing jukebox tunes with Stacie and her friends, who both look exactly like Stacie. You know how freaky it is when Stephanie, Heidi and Holly are all standing next to each other? This is the Bizarro version of that.

Heidi and Stephanie enter and, appalled at their correctness of Spencer’s infidelity, Heidi marches over to Spencer. With Italian-level hand gestures, she demands, “What. THE FUCK. Are you doing?” Thank you! Is that so hard to say? Haven’t we all been waiting for her to say that every episode we’ve ever seen of this show?

She begins accusing him of having more shots with Stacie (the horror!) and Charlie stands up to instruct Heidi to chill. Stephanie shows her support by calling Charlie “the worst influence ever.” Burn! Spencer, suddenly looking terrified at Heidi’s voice (which is growing more hysterical by the moment) tells Heidi nothing’s going on, in fact, they should join them. As Heidi laughs maniacally at this idea, Stephanie leans over and tells Heidi, “look at how she’s dressed, she’s obviously a slut.” What! Now that’s pretty harsh, thank you for stepping up your game, Stephanie.

Stacie naturally takes offense to this and politely requests that Stephanie repeat her insult. “You’re a home-wrecker, WHAT!” Stephanie shouts. “Do you have pants? Do you even have pants in your closet?” she asks. Stacie raises an eyebrow, takes a swig of champagne and yells at Stephanie that she looks like a dog on account of her hideous fur vest. Well, that one I’ll give to her. Stephanie has nothing to say to that except, “You’re such whores.” WOW. Now I can see why they brought Stephanie onto this show. I feel like Jerry Springer should be coming on-screen any moment to reflect and tell us to take care of each other while Stacie smashes a chair over Stephanie’s head in the background.

Just as Spencer is joking for everyone to excuse his sister, as “she’s not housebroken,” Heidi sighs and tells Spencer, “I’m done. Don’t call me, don’t talk to me, I want nothing to do with you.” It sounds nice, but we’ve all heard that before.

The next morning, swaddled in hangover blankets, the blondettes discuss how unspeakable Stacie’s lack of pants were. Stephanie says that love doesn’t make sense and that every couple goes through stages of breaking up, making up, and posing for paparazzi on the beach. “No, I’m breaking up with him, I’m done,” Heidi declares. Stephanie suggests couples therapy. Heidi remains silent but allows a “hey, just because YOU need professional help doesn’t mean the rest of us are crazy” roll of the eyes. “Everyone in L.A. has a therapist,” Stephanie insists. No, everyone in New York has a therapist. Everyone in L.A. has a personal trainer. But Heidi doesn’t even know if it will be worth the trouble. “How many chances do you get?” she wonders aloud.

Speaking of no pants…

At PR, LC and a fellow employee are debating exactly how many diamonds a model should wear before said model becomes “too decked-out” when Kelly Cutthroat interrupts to ask LC about her dippy little friend. Kelly admits she had to try really hard not to laugh in Stephanie’s face about her Final Objective in Life, and LC defends her by saying she probably misunderstood the question. The question of a resumè. Yeah, this doesn’t look good. Cutthroat says that she’s scared, but she wants to try Stephanie out anyway. “Her interview was such a folly that she might be a genius,” she theorizes.

Or perhaps you’re being paid to hire her. Who knows! In any case, Kelly tells LC with some violent imagery that if Steph ever has to be fired, LC’s gonna be the one to do it. LC looks all scared and wimpy, but I think that she’s getting Steph the job because she knows she’ll fail and she’ll get to fire her. Wouldn’t you?

At lunch, where everything major happens, Heidi and Spencer have a little passive-aggressive exchange of words and Heidi finally suggests therapy. Personally, I think that deep psychoanalysis by someone who specializes in narcissism would be their best bet, but they didn’t come to ME for advice. Spencer scoffs at the idea that he’d talk to a stranger who’d been to “an extra year of school more than me.” Don’t you mean eight years of school more than you? Anyway, Heidi brings Stacie up again, hissing, “A dress like that? She obviously doesn’t have a boyfriend!” Ha ha! I like the fact that she thinks she can assess Stacie’s relationship status based on her fashion. Believe me, plenty of people with boyfriends still dress all slutty. Just look at Blahdrina. She interrogates Spencer into admitting he’s seen her three times. “I’m done with you, I’m done with this,” Heidi says, then angrily (but calmly) states her fury at his lack of an apology. She remains steady, firm, and composed. “I don’t wanna talk to you, I don’t wanna look at you, I don’t even wanna be near you right now,” she declares, the words rushing out of her mouth before she can stop the onslaught of bravery. “So if you wanna be with me, get your stuff together and go to the therapist, or get outta my life, because I’m done with this.”

Wow, Heidi! No hysterics, no crying, no bullshit. Who knew you had a badass somewhere inside that little bony body?! I am so proud of her that I almost forget that I know she’ll eventually take him back. I think this is the backbone that Stephanie so longs for.

I know it’ll never last, but that beatdown was pretty damn satisfying to watch. What did you guys think? Anyone wanna take bets on how many episodes it will be until she takes him back? More importantly, anyone wanna take bets on how many episodes until Lauren as to fire Stephanie? ‘Cause that shit’s gonna be off the HOOK. Until next week, see you on the boards! – xoxOSnapp