This week on The Hills, a girl in Canada can stop holding her breath, Deadrina gets her hopes up again, and Lauren still fails to see the connection between Superbrody and Bustin.
Oooh! It’s Halloweenk!
For another one of their non-dates, Superbrody and Lauren have lunch at a place called Taste. Superbrody is wearing a hat and chewing gum, so thank god this isn’t a job interview. Or is it? In the voice-over Lauren hints she might want something more than the occasional roll.
He starts by telling our girl her eyes look very beautiful today (+ 1). Then he says they look “blueish,” but he always thought they were green (- 1). He also talks with he mouth full (-1). Then, throughout the lunch he checks out girl after girl who walks by ( – 1000). He even asks Lauren if she’s talked to Jen Bunney lately. He’s so cool. It’s so cool when a dude asks about women he’s fucked and never talked to again. Why? Just to make sure that your disinterest didn’t kill her? Apparently, Lauren is letting her come to her Halloween party that night, and suggests that Superbrody can hang out with her. Then they both kind of laugh, and we know that they still think she’s a loser.
A seefood date! How romantic!
Here we are in the officecloset at Teen Vogue. Whitney asks Lauren what she’s doing for Halloween, and Lauren tells her she and Deadrina were thinking about having a Halloween party. Hey, editors! YOU SUCK! Anyway, Deadrina’s going to invite a new guy, who Lauren refers to as Bustin’s “replacement.” Whitney tries to get the scoop on where LC and Superbrody stand, teasing that they’ll wear couples’ costumes. Lauren protests, betting that Frankie and Brody will dress as a pair. Whitney suggests Dumb and Dumber, prompting LC to ask, “But which one’s dumber?” I guess Lauren kind of hates all her friends. “Maybe those guys from Night at the Roxbury,” jokes Whitney. These are both clever, outstanding suggestions.
Whitney presses a little more regarding the status of the relationship with Brody and LC responds that it’s the same as it always is. Which means what, I wonder, and Whitney wonders the same thing. Brody likes the ladies, says Lauren. Whitney advises,”And you don’t need to be one amonk a million.” But isn’t she already? Maybe they just snuggle. Still, says Whit, she senses a chemistry between them every time she’s around those two.
Are you ready to get slimed? Apparently, Heidi invited the She-Pratt over to talk about her problems. “Ever since you were on drugs and got arrested for shoplifting, I really feel like I can trust you with my confidences,” begins Heidi. “Mmmmhmmm,” She-Pratt murmurs, somehow managing to keep her oiliness to the T-Zone today. Baby steps.
A little powder goes a long way. A lot of powder makes you look like a whore. It’s called balance, She-Pratt.
Heidi tells her about the fight over the supposed eloping and that Spencer left for the night without calling. She thinks maybe they should postpone the wedding. She-Pratt furrows her brow, but her only response is that the Monchichi loves her. Whenever I’m considering a big life changing decision, I prepare a little speech and have a younger friend come over to listen to it. I don’t cry, or repeat myself, or drink a bottle of wine in the afternoon. I maintain my composure and express myself quickly and clearly, just like Heidi. Heidi says she doesn’t have to mention it, but please don’t tell the Monchichi. Jeez, I wonder what’s going to happen.
I love Halloween. Adults dressing in costumes and getting wildly drunk is so much fun. Case in point, Lauren and Deadrina’s party. Frankie and Superbrody dress as Batman and Robin, respectively. Frankie’s pulling at the mask, complaining it’s too hot, and can he please have one more piece of candy, Mom? Lauren, who’s dressed in the most original flapper costume I’ve ever seen, asks Whitney what she thinks of the dynamic duo. “They look more like Sigfried and Roy.” Whitney could make a living off of suggesting insulting comparisons for these two.
Ambiguously Gay Duo
Deadrina is wearing a platinum wig and a polka dot dress, but I can’t identify the particular glamour queen she’s imitating. Whitney, of course, is wearing an actual costume, not just another way to look fuckable. She’s dressed as a lady bug. How cute! It’s hard for LC to make eyes at Brody when the smoke machine they rented keeps filling up the room and choking the guests.
This is so much fun!
Lauren beats a couple of guys dressed as referees at Beer Pong. There’s Bunts beside her, adorned with atennnae and wings, but I can’t tell what kind of bug she supposed to be. Maybe a fly? Which bug is the weakest and most irritating? Superbrody yells congratulations across the room (“GREAT JOB, LADIES!” ) and Bunts responds “We just won!” Lauren explains that’s why he’s congratulating her, and Brody also says something diminishing. We get it. Bunts is a stupid loser every time. Every time. It’s still kind of funny, though.
Just then, Deadrina’s new toy arrives. He’s dressed as a sailor and he has an accent. Swishy dish! Bunts hugs Superbrody in the kitchen, so our girl gives him the two-fingered “I’m watching you” gesture. Is this how they hook up? Get drunk at a party and go to bed together? She’s not this territorial when they’re alone. Deadrina introduces her sailor to everyone, and we find out he’s from Australia, which is sexy, but the slug-like lip piercing he sports is not.
It’s time for Superbrody to “bounce,” much to Lauren’s surprise and disappointment. He gives her a farewell hug and jokes that he got a little wood from it. ( We all saw the Robyn costume pictures. The wood doesn’t seem that little, eh?) Turn out the lights, the party’s over for the world’s prettiest flapper.
The next morning, let’s pretend, Deadrina and Lauren go over the minutes of the party. It’s too bad Superbrody and Frankie left early, but Lauren says,”Sometimes it doesn’t work out.” Sometimes the guy you like can’t guess the secret plan in your head, that’s true. Or sometimes the guy who’s not committed to you wants to try other options even when you’re totally available. But the SAussie Sailor, named Corey, was a big hit! Everyone liked him! He was nice to everyone! He made an effort! That shows he really likes you! We’re not comparing him to anyone!
Now if only he had highwaters, combat boots, and a second name, he’d be perfect!
At yet another unbelievable outing, the Monchichi and the She-Pratt arrive at a stationary store to pick up “The Heidi Montag Save The Date” invitations. First, when did Speidi pick a date? Second, hanging with the sis to pick up wedding stuff is a little contrived, ya think? I hope she doesn’t spill the beans about Heidi wanting to delay the wedding.
At any rate, the Monchichi says that everything’s coming together; they have the church, they have the invites, now they just need the party. “She won’t have it at Don Antonio’s,” he mutters. HAHAHAHA! That would be so classy. A Mariachi Rendition of “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” for the couples first dance, pitchers of margaritas, the Monchichi wearing a sombrero as he removes the garter. Oh, please, Heidi, reconsider. For your fans.
Joo are da weend beneat my weenks.
The She-Pratt decides that even though she promised not to, she should tell her brother everything Heidi entrusted her with. I can’t believe it! I wonder if the She-Pratt was one of those girls who figured out three-way calling on her parents’ phone way before anybody else and tricked nerd girls into saying they had a crush on the hot guy who was silently listening on the other line. The Monchichi is nonplussed and decides to bail on the invites to go talk to his “future bride.” These two were raised with such a strong sense of right and wrong. An afternoon at the Pratt’s house:
Mrs. Pratt: (on the phone) Well, Joan just told me she has cervical cancer. She told me in the strictest confidence so don’t tell anyone.
Mrs. Pratt: I know, it always DID seem like there was something wrong with her, and now we know why. (To She-Pratt) Go make mommy the special juice I like.
The SAussie Sailor takes Deadrina on a date to Katana, a really nice sushi restaurant on the Sunset Strip. His pants cover the tops of his shoes. He doesn’t appear to have a wallet chain. He doesn’t continually touch his dirty hair then touch his utensils and glassware. He doesn’t burp while she’s speaking. He’s self deprecating when he talks about learning to use chopsticks. Not that we’re comparing him to anybody. At all.
The only thing wrong is that leech-looking lip ring. Maybe he thinks his good looks are run-of-the-mill enough that he needed something to help identify him in a crowd. ( “Hey, which one’s your boyfriend?” “The one with the leech on his face.” “Oh, he’s cute!”) He actually makes conversation with her, even if it’s only about the weather and snowboarding. When she asks where they should go next, SAussie Sailor gives her the eyebrow and suggests they just go home. Oh, a guy after her own heart.
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous: Starring SAussie Leech
Meanwhile, Lauren and Lo go on a single girls date to Pane e Vino, a very “romantical” Italian restaurant. Lo calls herself a “loserface” for not showing up at the Halloween party because of her midterm the next day. Actually, her face doesn’t look as bad as it has the last few times we’ve seen her. New facialist? I know someone who could use a referral. Lo wants to know what’s the status with Superbrody. Jeez, really scratching for story lines this episode. Third round on this conversation? Lauren describes it as “limbo” and being “friends.” Lo drains her drink and says, “He’s more than your friend, Lauren.”
Lauren finally admits that it’s not that she doesn’t want Superbrody as her boyfriend, it’s that she wants him to want to be her boyfriend. Oh, god. She knows he goes out with other girls. How is this different from Deadrina and Bustin? Superbrody’s somewhat nicer? Lo suggests maybe Superbrody is having this conversation with one of his buddies, too. It’s like these girls just took a rocket ship to Planet Innocence and Double Standards. Come back soon! We miss you!
Unfortunately, Bustin’s influence still has a hold on Deadrina, because when we catch up with the girls at home, she’s wearing a blue snoodberet, the kind of thing a rastafarian might put his dreads or drugs in. She doesn’t seem high, just happy that her date with SAussie Sailor went well. “Everything he does, I’m not used to being treated like that,” she grins. No kidding. She describes him as “attentive,” “gentlemanly,” and he doesn’t “keep her hanging all the time.” Not that she’s comparing him to anybody. She even calls him a keeper. Whoa! The K word.
LC is supportive in her I-told-you-so way, but then she gets super girlie weird when she asks about the kiss. She wants to know if it was a “Thank you for dinner” kiss or a “I wanna kiss you but I don’t know” kind of kiss. She’s so into it it’s embarrassing. She practically wants Deadrina to act it out. She hasn’t been unselfconscious like this since Laguna days. Deadrina reveals that Bustin didn’t like to kiss which is a big EW for me, because ever since I saw “Pretty Woman” I always think that men don’t kiss prostitutes.
The Monchichi is reading a book about the Delta Force so he can learn how to thwart any attempts by outside parties to rescue Heidi while she pretends to clean up Chez Janky. He won’t move his feet out of the way, which is a perfect segue into a heartfelt talk regarding Heidi’s concerns about getting married. He says thankfully his sister told him Heidi didn’t want to get married before he spent thousands of dollars on wedding invitations. Grandma Pratt said he could use the emergencies only credit card, for chrissake.
Heidi tries to defend herself by saying She-Pratt had nothing to do with it, and she shouldn’t have said anything. So which one is it? She had nothing to do with it? Or, she shouldn’t have said anything? The Monchichi wants to know if the big wedding is just a way to avoid having a wedding. Huh? Heidi may be a lot of things, but sociopathic she is not. Is this a case of the pot calling the kettle black? Heidi thinks it may be, since he’s been acting like the whole thing is a “nightmare.” She even has the nerve to suggest he pushed her to move in, pushed her to get engaged, and she ended up sacrificing a lot of things.
Ding dong. You’re prince has arrived!
The Monchichi rebuts that HE has sacrificed, HE doesn’t go out with any of his friends, HE IS WITH HER 24/7. This is the greatest relationship ever. When I look for love , it’s with someone who will be with me 24/7. In fact, they better mention that on the first date or it’s dunzo. Heidi says she’s never needed that, but it sure seems like she found it seductive at the time. The Monchichi storms out, and Heidi tells him not to come back. Oh, if only.
On her second non-date of the episode, Lauren wears a sleeveless sparkly dress to hang out with her friend, Superbrody. He is dressed in a flannel shirt buttoned all the way up and a baseball hat at a retard/hiphop angle. Did he get a record deal we don’t know about? Perez! Get on that! They gossip about Deadrina and Bustin, and Superbrody thinks it’s highly unlikely that they won’t see each other again. Lauren oh-so-subtley makes a comment about how some guys just aren’t good for you. Superbrody picks up her 24 pound hint and lobs back, “Oh, so you think I’m going to mack all these girls?”
She sure does, so she asks him to unhand his phone. I cannot believe he does this, especially since Lauren goes directly to his phone book and starts reading the A’s: “Alex Alex Ally Allison Allison Amanda Amber Amber Amy Amy Amy Angie Angie Anna Anna April Adrian Ashley Ashley Aubrey….Blonde Hottie…Bridget Wanna Bang…Britney Miami Call her…Britney Platinum Blonde…Britney Canada Whore…” With that last one, Superbrody finally reaches for the phone back. He says he’s accumulated these numbers over the years, and I notice, just like LC does, that his Iphone came out just a few months ago. No, no, he got a software and transferred all the numbers from his old phone.
Please tell me Snail Trail is out of your life.
“So Britney Canada Whore is not getting a call anytime soon?” Lauren asks, sipping her Kir Royale. Good one. Superbrody says those girls mean nothing to him. Just trophy numbers? Scalp numbers? Hmmm. It’s left Lauren feeling unsure so she shrugs and tells him he can do whatever he wants; she’s not going to tell him what to do. He mumbles that maybe she should tell him something though and we’re supposed to believe they secretly want to date each other but are too shy to say.
Not buying it, kids. Superbrody’s a whore who won’t commit to Lauren because he can’t, and Lauren can’t commit to anyone because she refuses to have her relationships taped for public consumption after the last fiasco. Thank god Deadrina’s still gullible or else nothing would ever happen on this show. ‘Til next week’s finale, which may be our last. Come back soon! I miss you!